Women, how do you judge your own modesty?

[DarkLight]

Please, I’d rather keep this thread mostly to women. I suspect I’m not the only one who looks at clothing and has a hard time answering the question “is this modest?” It seems like I get labelled as “slutty” or “distracting” or “tempting” no matter what I wear, especially with a body that many refuse to believe is my natural shape (no dieting or implants or padding). I just have the wrong sort of figure to be seen as a good modest woman.

I was taught to ask what would tempt a man, and to look at whether or not I was treated more or less sexually as the judge. But it seems that in a long skirt and blouse I still come across as more of a sex object than another women may be in a minidress. If we can’t go by this standard, what do we go by?

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

It seems like I get labelled as “slutty” or “distracting” or “tempting” no matter what I wear, especially with a body that many refuse to believe is my natural shape (no dieting or implants or padding). I just have the wrong sort of figure to be seen as a good modest woman.

You need to stop being around people who say things like this to you. It’s really unsafe and unhealthy for you on many, many levels. The issue isn’t your body or clothing; it’s the people in your life.

 

[UserNotFound]

Yeah. As long as you wear stuff that isn’t too showy or tight, it’s okay.

Form-fitting clothes are fine, just don’t buy stuff that looks like you wrapped your clothes around you like mummy tape. With the cleavage issue, it isn’t always easy to buy modest stuff, especially if you have a short torso, or are just short in height like me. It may also depend on the setting. I may wear mid-thigh shorts outside of Church, but I generally don’t wear them to Church. Same goes for tank-top or sleeveless tops/dresses.

You can’t help it if you’re curvy, and your intention is not to lead others to sin. If people make lewd comments about you, that’s their issue, and you should tell them so. Let them know you don’t like being objectified.

 

[DarkLight]

You need to stop being around people who say things like this to you. It’s really unsafe and unhealthy for you on many, many levels. The issue isn’t your body or clothing; it’s the people in your life.

I’m not talking about people I know though. I’m talking about having “Hey baby why won’t you let me touch you” yelled at you, or being approached by a stranger asking if you want to “help them have a good time,” or spending your entire bus ride being leered at.

As far as clothing goes, doesn’t help that I’m both tiny and pretty curvy. Clothing manufacturers seem to assume women my size are all shaped like young teenagers with no curves to speak of. I am really tempted to slap the next saleswoman who tries to direct me to the girl’s section for bras because that’s where my band size is!

 

[Christy_Beth]

I’ve never been leered at, but I have been told when my clothing has proven to be a distraction for men. So, I try to be careful. Especially during the summer when all I want is to be nice looking and comfortable. During the winter it’s usually jeans and an appropriate top (T-shirt, sweatshirt, etc.). But in summer it gets a bit harder, especially when you want to look feminine as well. Some people just have their minds in the gutter no matter what you wear. Oh, and years ago I was in a situation where I got mixed messages. One person may say that what I had on was appropriate, then later the same person will say that it’s provocative. Really hard to please people these days.

 

[DarkLight]

To be honest, that’s also something I hate about the modesty rhetoric. Modesty in our society doesn’t automatically get your more respect. If you have a certain figure you’re still going to be treated as a sex object. Or even worse, be held up as a standard as though every woman should look like you. I can’t count how many times I’ve been asked for the secret of my diet by a woman who should never look like me. It just seems like a losing battle for woman - you’re taught to want the “ideal” figure, but if you have it your reward is being treated as vain and slutty.

 

[ClearWater]

Please, I’d rather keep this thread mostly to women. I suspect I’m not the only one who looks at clothing and has a hard time answering the question “is this modest?” It seems like I get labelled as “slutty” or “distracting” or “tempting” no matter what I wear, especially with a body that many refuse to believe is my natural shape (no dieting or implants or padding). I just have the wrong sort of figure to be seen as a good modest woman.

I was taught to ask what would tempt a man, and to look at whether or not I was treated more or less sexually as the judge. But it seems that in a long skirt and blouse I still come across as more of a sex object than another women may be in a minidress. If we can’t go by this standard, what do we go by?

Try your best to be modest to the best of your ability, and if some guys still have a problem with that, you can rest assured you did your best.

Here’s one dictionary definition of modesty, don’t know if that helps.

thefreedictionary.com/modesty

 

[Stillsosola]

hmmmm I have this problem sometimes as well I have a very big bottom and no matter what I wear it seems to show case it unless it’s a big floaty skirt which I can’t do. I try to do this, lean over if you can see cleavage then put a cami under the shirt, bend over if you can see your lower back exposed wear higher rise pants, blouses try to get some that aren’t sheer or white since they can show too much, also I find it helpful to invest in short sleeve longer length cardigans to help minimize your figure and cover your bottom up some. Or those cute floaty kimono tops a lot of the girls are wearing over their camis could work to make you more modest up top.

But as many posters have stated many people have their minds in the gutter no matter what you wear, and having a hour glass figure doesn’t help matters at all.

Sorry I hope you can find some clothes to help you out

 

[izzydizzydo]

Dark Light,

I too faced the same challenges and obstacles you are now facing yet I can’t imagine how much worse it is in the culture of today.

For me what helped was learning to focus my thoughts on being made perfect in the image of God everytime someone either said or did or looked at me with lustful eyes.

I sure wish it hadn’t taken me 48 years to learn how to do that. The more I did that the more I was able to clearly understand that this wasn’t my problem but instead the problem of the men and women who were labeling me this way.

Eventually I even found myself praying for their healing.

Gods peace be with you,
Izzydizzydo

 

[Avocadomom]

Maybe I’m wrong, but I go with my gut. If I feel off, I don’t wear it. I tend not to overthink it, as men are as responsible for their thoughts and behaviors as I am for mine. I can’t control what others think.

 

[DarkLight]

Maybe I’m wrong, but I go with my gut. If I feel off, I don’t wear it. I tend not to overthink it, as men are as responsible for their thoughts and behaviors as I am for mine. I can’t control what others think.

Unfortunately one’s “gut” often depends as much on one’s background and training as anything else. If like me you grew up in a fairly restrictive environment, anything other than baggy t-shirts and oversized pants cinched to stay up high feels immodest.

 

[izzydizzydo]

Dark Light,

I too faced the same challenges and obstacles you are now facing yet I can’t imagine how much worse it is in the culture of today.

For me what helped was learning to focus my thoughts on being made perfect in the image of God everytime someone either said or did or looked at me with lustful eyes.

I sure wish it hadn’t taken me 48 years to learn how to do that. The more I did that the more I was able to clearly understand that this wasn’t my problem but instead the problem of the men and women who were labeling me this way.

Eventually I even found myself praying for their healing.

Gods peace be with you,
Izzydizzydo

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I’m not talking about people I know though. I’m talking about having “Hey baby why won’t you let me touch you” yelled at you, or being approached by a stranger asking if you want to “help them have a good time,” or spending your entire bus ride being leered at.

The problem isn’t with your body or your clothing. The problem is the culture that permits this kind of behavior and the individuals who do and say these things.

How you cope with cat-calls, leering and offensive comments depends on you, your personality, and how threatened you feel by the behavior. But whatever you do, You need to remember that the problem is not yours, it’s theirs.

If a stanger approaches you in a public space, you have every right to complain and ask that that person be removed. In my area, asking a stanger to help you ‘have a good time’ is illegal and can get you ejected from a premises at best, arrested at worst.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s disgusting.

 

[Isca]

If you are shapely and pretty, you will always look attractive to men, even if you are wearing very modest clothing. You’re not obliged to dress in huge jumpers and shapeless shifts just because you have been blessed with a good figure!

I think the “rules” for dressing modestly are the same whatever your shape, really. Don’t wear things too tight, too short or too low-cut.

 

[DarkLight]

If you are shapely and pretty, you will always look attractive to men, even if you are wearing very modest clothing. You’re not obliged to dress in huge jumpers and shapeless shifts just because you have been blessed with a good figure!

I think the “rules” for dressing modestly are the same whatever your shape, really. Don’t wear things too tight, too short or too low-cut.

Those exist?

 

[Radish]

I’ve never been leered at, but I have been told when my clothing has proven to be a distraction for men. So, I try to be careful. Especially during the summer when all I want is to be nice looking and comfortable. During the winter it’s usually jeans and an appropriate top (T-shirt, sweatshirt, etc.). But in summer it gets a bit harder, especially when you want to look feminine as well. Some people just have their minds in the gutter no matter what you wear. Oh, and years ago I was in a situation where I got mixed messages. One person may say that what I had on was appropriate, then later the same person will say that it’s provocative. Really hard to please people these days.

For some of us there is no way to cover up enough to not get leered at. I’ve got an hour glass figure and no matter what I wear - even if everything is covered someone will stare. I figure it’s their problem not mine.

 

[Gia_B]

I have standards for how I dress, but I don’t base them off of protecting men who cannot possibly help themselves ; this is about what makes me feel comfortable. As such, I know that these are very subjective. I classify all of this as modest in the sense that none of it is extreme or likely to call undue attention to me.

I don’t usually wear dresses because I like reading while lying on my back with my knees bent. In all of the loose-fitting dresses I have, there is no dignified way to do that, so I don’t wear them often. I also avoid dresses (and shorts) because the hair on my legs is pretty dark and I can still sort of see it under the skin after I shave. This unappealing trait leads me to wear long pants most of the time, which is fine with me. I have a similar problem with my armpits and this, combined with my dislike of strapless bras, means that I never wear a tank top on its own. When I do wear one, it’s under a button-up shirt that covers my bra straps and gives me sleeve so that I don’t have to worry about raising my arms.
As for the question of how low these shirts can be, I define the minimum line as being slightly above the center of my chest. I realize that this is below the standards “two fingers below the collarbone” rule (it’s more like five or six), but I have a small bust and there really isn’t much to cover anyway. Besides, this gives me more space for necklaces. As for tightness, I figure I’m okay if I can pull my shirt and pants an inch or two away from my body. That way my clothes are loose enough to move in without being too baggy.

 

[FrenzyJen]

Next time someone is making remarks at you or staring you down on the bus, stare them straight in the eye and make the sign of the cross. If it doesn’t encourage them to stop, it will remind you that they need prayers.

 

[ccarte25]

You should wear whatever you want. Do NOT let others control you by making you uncomfortable. Bite back at guys being rude! To me this goes along with the same premise of “if you are nice to a guy that means you are flirting with them and want them”. God gave you that body, be proud of it! Don’t let others actions control you!

To answer your question: as a young adult female, I judge my modesty by what I want my clothes to say about me. Your clothes should be a reflection of you.

 

[DarkLight]

You should wear whatever you want. Do NOT let others control you by making you uncomfortable. Bite back at guys being rude! To me this goes along with the same premise of “if you are nice to a guy that means you are flirting with them and want them”. God gave you that body, be proud of it! Don’t let others actions control you!

To answer your question: as a young adult female, I judge my modesty by what I want my clothes to say about me. Your clothes should be a reflection of you.

What if you feel like no matter what you wear your doesn’t reflect who you are? That’s always been my problem - I look in the mirror and I see a body that a lot of women really want but that I don’t want. No matter how I dress or what I wear my body just looks like one of those models that starves themselves and then gets implants. I want to look like a strong young woman, not a tiny weak girl with oversized breasts.