Would it be better for me to get sterilized, or my husband?

[JannyJa21]

Would you rather have you or your husband on the road to hell? Whichever one you prefer to end up there, yourself or your husband, that’s who should do the sterilization.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

Would you rather have you or your husband on the road to hell? Whichever one you prefer to end up there, yourself or your husband, that’s who should do the sterilization.

I think you need to calm down a little bit…the way you’ve made your point isn’t productive.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

Counseling is too expensive, but sterilization is in the budget?

Depending on insurance, a vasectomy can cost as little as a $25 co-pay. Regular counseling would cost more than that. Plus, in his mind the possibility of counseling and then ending up with yet another child.

 

[Brendan_64]

Depending on insurance, a vasectomy can cost as little as a $25 co-pay. Regular counseling would cost more than that.

$25 plus the potential loss of an eternal soul, that’s quite expensive I’d say. And to see a priest is free.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

$25 plus the potential loss of an eternal soul, that’s quite expensive I’d say. And to see a priest is free.

Yes, but Frank Drebin was questioning why OP would say they could financially afford one and not the other. OP I’m sure was talking about the expense of a counselor that you pay by the appointment to meet with.

 

[Julianna]

They are 8, 4 and 20 months.

**And how exactly am I supposed to support myself and four kids? It is very, very easy for people to say these things when they are not in my situation.
**
You know, I actually did talk to a priest when I was pregnant with my third, because my husband was very upset about it also and wanted to use birth control. The priest had the nerve to tell me that if I ever became pregnant again unexpectedly, there are infertile couples in the church who would take my baby. I was livid. I think I mumbled something about how giving my baby away would be like cutting off my leg, and that I would never do that. I never went back to that priest. That experience is party why I am reluctant to talk to a priest. They are so far removed from reality sometimes. (That priest is no longer at my parish, fortunately.) When even priests won’t be there for me, I don’t know what to do.

It is looking like my husband will go ahead with the vasectomy. I have pretty much done all I can at this point.

Your husbands words are insensitive to say the least. I have encouraged my daughter, as my mother encouraged my sister and myself,“learn a skill, go to school, earn a degree, learn how to do something, you may need it someday.” Looks like it’s your day.

Does your husband feel (in addition to not being able to provide attention) that finances will be stretched to a breaking point? Do you work outside the home? As for a former employer firing you for getting pregnant…you do know that is against the law. I am surprised that many women do not know this.

Look, a precious life is coming into the world… a blessing, a joy, not a curse. My parents practiced Vatican Roulette, (that is what it was called back in the 60’s). My brother was a surprise, 8 yrs after me, and 6 yrs after my sister. She was 38 and 2 yrs later she had a complete hysterectomy due to medical issues. Though a Baptist, my mother believed that chemical birth control is poison.

Talk to your husband…find out all the issues he has as well. A pancake, no matter how flat has two sides. He needs to listen to yours as well.

Only you and your husband need to decide what is best for your family.

 

[VivienneJ]

I think you need to calm down a little bit…the way you’ve made your point isn’t productive.

Would you rather have you or your husband on the road to hell? Whichever one you prefer to end up there, yourself or your husband, that’s who should do the sterilization.

Mmmm, very aggressive and from a new poster as well.

Read the whole thread, and realise that, while what you say is true, and has been said before, there is a lot more going on in this marriage than the issue of sterilization.

Communication and counselling are desperately needed. OP I do hope you find a way through all the trees that are presently obscuring your view to a way to improve your marriage and your family life.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

But sdeco, you are the one that stated that a miscarriage would be the best thing that could possibly happen to this child.

But if someone suggests that you give up this child that you don’t want, you tell them to “Go to hell?”

I realize that you are upset. That your husband is a bully. But I just don’t get how you can be upset at the priest or russet. I agree with them. When a woman tells me that the best thing for her unborn child is for that child to die, well, I have to conclude that she doesn’t really care about the child. I pray you spoke in haste and that you really don’t believe that having a miscarriage is the best thing that could happen.

:sad_yes:

In following this thread, the OP keeps insisting that she and her husband love their existing children, but keeps calling them “surprises,” which means they were trying to keep from having children. Why haven’t they at least tried to have children when it was the RIGHT time for them? To call every single child a “surprise” (and the first 2 are 4 years apart!) suggests to me that NO children would have been the ideal for her husband, and I’m not going to be scolded out of that viewpoint. I know I am not alone in my observations. It’s one thing for one child, maybe even 2 to be a “surprise” (why not a “blessing?”), but ALL of them?? That, combined with her husband’s insistence on contraceptives and sterilization…and then her own statement that miscarriage would be the best outcome…This family needs counseling and spiritual guidance.

 

[Frank_Drebin]

Yes, but Frank Drebin was questioning why OP would say they could financially afford one and not the other. OP I’m sure was talking about the expense of a counselor that you pay by the appointment to meet with.

Mos Catholic counselors will adjust payments or take you free of charge if they deem you sincere.

Again, how much is one’s soul worth?

 

[sdeco]

In following this thread, the OP keeps insisting that she and her husband love their existing children, but keeps calling them “surprises,” which means they were trying to keep from having children. Why haven’t they at least tried to have children when it was the RIGHT time for them? To call every single child a “surprise” (and the first 2 are 4 years apart!) suggests to me that NO children would have been the ideal for her husband, and I’m not going to be scolded out of that viewpoint. I know I am not alone in my observations. It’s one thing for one child, maybe even 2 to be a “surprise” (why not a “blessing?”), but ALL of them?? That, combined with her husband’s insistence on contraceptives and sterilization…and then her own statement that miscarriage would be the best outcome…This family needs counseling and spiritual guidance.

You are WAY out of line.

We always intended to have children. The reason we didn’t “try when the time was right” is because we never had the chance!! We kept being surprised. The reason the first two are four years apart is because we were both working full-time and my husband was in grad school. We had serious reasons to avoid the entire time. Just because I haven’t found a way to make NFP work for me doesn’t mean I don’t want my kids. That makes no sense.

 

[sdeco]

Also, I can’t believe you people can’t see the difference between a miscarriage and giving a baby up for adoption. There are probably a lot of women with surprise pregnancies who would be relieved if they had a miscarriage, but would be tortured for the rest of their life if they gave their baby up for adoption. I can’t believe you people can’t see that. It’s like you’re being willfully dense.

 

[VivienneJ]

Also, I can’t believe you people can’t see the difference between a miscarriage and giving a baby up for adoption. There are probably a lot of women with surprise pregnancies who would be relieved if they had a miscarriage, but would be tortured for the rest of their life if they gave their baby up for adoption. I can’t believe you people can’t see that. It’s like you’re being willfully dense.

Having threatened to miscarry a surprise pregnancy and having miscarried an earlier pregnancy I can only say you have no idea of the pain miscarriage causes. There are still times I wonder about and miss my miscarried twins. Very little difference between the one and the other, the pain of loss is still the pain of loss.

 

[maryjk]

Also, I can’t believe you people can’t see the difference between a miscarriage and giving a baby up for adoption. There are probably a lot of women with surprise pregnancies who would be relieved if they had a miscarriage, but would be tortured for the rest of their life if they gave their baby up for adoption. I can’t believe you people can’t see that. It’s like you’re being willfully dense.

No, WE are not being willfully dense.

You didn’t say you would be relieved if you had a miscarriage. You said a miscarriage would be the best thing that could possibly happen. Big difference.

I am using NFP to avoid. I have many many medical reasons to avoid. Every time I get my period, I am relieved that I am not pregnant. (Although I a pretty confident with NFP) BUT, if I was pregnant, I would never wish for or see a miscarriage as a good thing. NEVER.

 

[waanju]

Also, I can’t believe you people can’t see the difference between a miscarriage and giving a baby up for adoption. There are probably a lot of women with surprise pregnancies who would be relieved if they had a miscarriage, but would be tortured for the rest of their life if they gave their baby up for adoption. I can’t believe you people can’t see that. It’s like you’re being willfully dense.

So, I’ve been following this thread the whole time, even if I haven’t commented.

Breathe. You don’t have to worry about having your NEXT kid until this one comes. Don’t let the fear of what COULD happen drive you crazy. Sit down, talk to your husband. Tell him you’re overwhelmed by the pressure he’s putting on you and that’s it’s really causing you anguish. Ask to delay even talking about sterilization until your heads are clear (after you’ve gone to some counseling with a good, Catholic therapist and baby is at least a couple months old.) Before you say that he won’t agree, might I point out that he wants to make you do something a lot more permanent. If counseling is the wrong choice (it isn’t) the worst you lose is a few hours of your time and some words (since we’ve already established that there are free/sliding scale counselors).

It sounds like the both of you are overwhelmed, and the only way he knows to deal with it is by saying NEVER AGAIN, no matter what, and running to sterilization. Sin isn’t always about pride or malice, sometimes it’s about fear. And guess what? Your fears aren’t completely unjustified. Maybe you shouldn’t ever have another child. Maybe you won’t. However, I can guarantee you that sterilization is the WRONG choice. But, I’ll say that now, with hormones and shock and fear of the unknown on all sides, is not the best time to really discuss that with your husband. Wait until stuff is cooled off, probably before kiddo turns one or two. He’s so much more likely to be rational then.

Also, in the post I quoted, I want to say one thing. You’re clearly in anguish right now, and it’s understandable that you might see a miscarriage as an “easy way out”. It’s hard to really contemplate loving your baby the same as your other kids when he or she has been surrounded by so much fear and mental torture. However, deep down, you already do love this baby. You know it, which is why you know that giving him or her up for adoption would break you. And, while I understand your feelings, you should know that what you’ve said is very, very hurtful to women who’ve had a child die in miscarriage. The pain of losing a child is ALWAYS terrible, and women whose children die before birth can’t even console themselves that baby is alive and growing somewhere out there in the world. Both hurt.

 

[cheezey]

You didn’t say you would be relieved if you had a miscarriage. You said a miscarriage would be the best thing that could possibly happen. Big difference.

true, and still

…The pain of losing a child is ALWAYS terrible, and women whose children die before birth can’t even console themselves that baby is alive and growing somewhere out there in the world. Both hurt.

 

[mommamaree]

Also, I can’t believe you people can’t see the difference between a miscarriage and giving a baby up for adoption. There are probably a lot of women with surprise pregnancies who would be relieved if they had a miscarriage, but would be tortured for the rest of their life if they gave their baby up for adoption. I can’t believe you people can’t see that. It’s like you’re being willfully dense.

Sdeco,
I would like you to consider that you might be wrong about this, and that your comments are hurtful. Have you lost any babies? I have lost 2. Sometimes, when I do a head count to make sure I know where all my little ducklings are, I panic because I realize I am missing two. I start to count again, and then look around to see where they are. My babies are lost! Then I remember, I lost them a long time ago. And it breaks my heart all over again. The pain of miscarriage is very raw and primal, and yet so few people in our society are willing to acknowledge that the mother has lost anything at all. The pain never goes away. My MIL stills mourns for the baby she miscarried decades ago.
So please understand that you are mistaken when you imagine that the death of your child would be the best thing that could happen. Giving a baby up for adoption is painful, too, and there is no reason to evaluate which hurts worst. They both hurt. But the reality is that a miscarried baby has died. As a prolife people, we should never ever hope for a miscarriage, while an adoption in certain situations, like a teen mother pregnant out of wedlock, could actually be a desirable end.

 

[cheezey]

Sdeco,
I would like you to consider that you might be wrong about this, and that your comments are hurtful. Have you lost any babies? I have lost 2. Sometimes, when I do a head count to make sure I know where all my little ducklings are, I panic because I realize I am missing two. I start to count again, and then look around to see where they are. My babies are lost! Then I remember, I lost them a long time ago. And it breaks my heart all over again. The pain of miscarriage is very raw and primal, and yet so few people in our society are willing to acknowledge that the mother has lost anything at all. The pain never goes away. My MIL stills mourns for the baby she miscarried decades ago.
So please understand that you are mistaken when you imagine that the death of your child would be the best thing that could happen. Giving a baby up for adoption is painful, too, and there is no reason to evaluate which hurts worst. They both hurt. But the reality is that a miscarried baby has died. As a prolife people, we should never ever hope for a miscarriage, while an adoption in certain situations, like a teen mother pregnant out of wedlock, could actually be a desirable end.

Oh, thank you. You stated this much better than I did.
12 years and running…

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Also, in the post I quoted, I want to say one thing. You’re clearly in anguish right now, and it’s understandable that you might see a miscarriage as an “easy way out”. It’s hard to really contemplate loving your baby the same as your other kids when he or she has been surrounded by so much fear and mental torture.** However, deep down, you already do love this baby.** You know it, which is why you know that giving him or her up for adoption would break you. And, while I understand your feelings, you should know that what you’ve said is very, very hurtful to women who’ve had a child die in miscarriage. The pain of losing a child is ALWAYS terrible, and women whose children die before birth can’t even console themselves that baby is alive and growing somewhere out there in the world. Both hurt.

Think about this… at what stage of this baby’s life would his/her death stop being a relief? I agree with waanju, I suspect you are a wonderful loving mother going through a very tough time. I have never knowingly had a miscarriage, but I am pregnant, and with every pregnancy I am always so terribly nervous about having a miscarriage. I want to get the chance to see my little one’s face, to hug and love him/her outside the womb, to see him/her grow up. God’s will always goes before mine, but I could never welcome a miscarriage! Like I said above, I agree with the other poster and have a feeling you are speaking out of frustration and feeling desperate with your situation. Please remember that no matter how difficult it feels like life is getting, you can always lean on God. You can always ask for Him to help you through anything. Don’t shut Him out of your life. If you realize that with Him you can get through anything, and you ask Him to help you with your crosses, you will be able to get through anything. In NFP it isn’t about getting things our way, every child planned to arrive exactly when we decide we want them to… it is about listening to His plan. Telling Him you have prayerfully discerned now is not a good time, and welcoming the blessings if He tells you otherwise. If you go into marriage and having a family expecting to be in control 100% then it is very easy to fall in despair when things don’t go how you want them to… but if you realize that He really wants what is best for us, and try to embrace His will, then you will always have the strength to deal with whatever may come (and even when you feel like you don’t have the strength, you can lean on Him and tell Him that you are exhausted and need Him to help you, He will never abandon you!).

 

[Brendan_64]

I’ve been married for over 20 years and we would love a child, but we haven’t had any. All our many brothers and sisters blessed with lovely children, we have to settle with being the popular Auntie and Uncle.

To think that some married couples look on miscarriages as a relief

 

[DJgang]

I’ve been married for over 20 years and we would love a child, but we haven’t had any. All our many brothers and sisters blessed with lovely children, we have to settle with being the popular Auntie and Uncle.

To think that some married couples look on miscarriages as a relief

I am sorry. Must be painful reading this thread. I’ve not been here in some time but I can’t believe what I am reading here, and why would a catholic even ask the question to begin with?

I’ve lost two children in the womb and wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy, much less myself and my marriage.

Let’s all move on. Years ago, I do believe this thread would have been deleted by now.