Would it be better for me to get sterilized, or my husband?

[Rico_S]

That is nonsense. He has a pretty faulty sense of love if that’s what he thinks. “I need absolute control over my sexual life in order to love my kids properly.” That doesn’t even make any sense.
.

I think you way off with that mind reading exercise, imo. It seems clear the poster is saying the husband is thinking what so many married couples think—we have limited resources and I don’t believe we can stretch them adequately with another child. In his case he is saying that he believes attention (I assume time and energy devoted to the children) will be stretched to the point of not being able to provide what he thinks is best. Parents make this same decision all the time with other resources when planning their families.

Look I am not saying he is right in this line of thinking…He is just not saying “I want to have sex whenever I want in order to love the kids properly” That doesn’t make any sense. It is like you are trying to paint this guy in the worst possible light.

And I know I have to say this b/c everyone gets all persnickety and lashes out if someone offers a bit of defense to the villain of the thread—I don’t think he is right, I don’t think threatening to leave is good, and I think he has handled it quite poorly from what little info we have…and he doesn’t sound like a good guy. Certainly not from a catholic perspective. (But we are only getting one side. I am sure I can make a post about my wife and be 100% truthful and lead you guys to believe she is a hideous monster…and I am sure she could do the same about me-----but it would not be real picture.). I think he is a product of today’s culture where contraception is completely std and large families are not the the norm.

Anyway, I say this not to argumentative with you…as I actually think your posts are generally sensitive. I get the impression you are a humble guy with real concern for others.

 

[The_Bucket]

I think he is a product of today’s culture where contraception is completely std and large families are not the the norm.

I concur. And thanks for your kind words. I generally would be a lot more sensitive and more shake my head and say “he doesn’t understand the Catholic teaching and that is sad. We’ll pray for him.”

But that’s if this thread was all about “My husband wants to get a vasectomy, what should I do?” Not “my husband has threatened to divorce me and demanded our child be put up for adoption.” That last part pretty much blinds me to the idea that he’s merely misinformed or panicking or a product of a secular culture. I would be sensitive to that.

I’m not sensitive to a guy who says he wants to divorce his wife for getting pregnant… with his own kid. That’s lunacy.

 

[mommamaree]

Where on earth did you get that idea?! We always wanted kids. We just wanted to be able to plan them. My husband adores our kids. But we cant keep having surprises.Its BECAUSE he loves our kids that he wants to make sure they get the attention they deserve.

Okay, this is an easy concern to address, sdeco!
Just now, as I am responding to you, my attention is not fully on my middle two children. So are they being neglected and not getting the attention they need? No, thank God! They are playing WITH EACH OTHER! . I am sitting with them, facilitating their play dough activity time, but they are the ones giving each other the attention they need. Thank God I do not have to be the sole person attending to my children’s social and emotional needs. That would be exhausting with just one child, right?
Start observing your children, sdeco. Notice how much they meet each other’s needs. That is part of God’s design for families. Isn’t that wonderful? You and your husband can set that fear aside, because God’s plan is for plenty of children and a sharing of responsibilities and activities that evolves as your children grow up.
May I ask how old your children are?

 

[mt_gooseberry]

Welcome to reality. You can’t control it. Not perfectly anyway.

The idea that we can somehow have absolute control over nature is laughable. If you want absolute control over not having children, don’t have sex. Otherwise, you’re rolling the dice. While contraception provides you with a pair of immoral loaded dice, it’s not a guarantee.

That is nonsense. He has a pretty faulty sense of love if that’s what he thinks. “I need absolute control over my sexual life in order to love my kids properly.” That doesn’t even make any sense.

If you mean that the lack of control leads to anxiety… I have to tell you that sterilization is not going to help. That’s just going to perpetuate the idea that he’s got control of his life when he doesn’t. God is the one in control. Not us. Sure, we are called to be responsible, but being responsible is not the same as having mastery over our lives. We are to be good stewards of His creation while surrendering our wills completely to Him.

And if you think that’s not something that cannot happen, may I remind you that vasectomies have a failure rate of between 0.5% to 1%. Think that’s low? That’s the “perfect use” failure rate of IUDs and NFP as well. “Typical use” rates for NFP are between 10% and 25%. The vast majority of “surprises” in NFP are the result of user error and/or not caring anymore, but there are real surprises. Just like there are real surprises with the pill. And tubal ligation. What happens if you get a “real surprise” with a vasectomy?

A man that has threatened you with abandonment and made threats about forcing his own child that he created with his wife into adoption is not a man with a lot of love in his heart. Period.

This. I have a friend right now who is 5mo pg, 5 years after having her tubes tied. It is a well-known secret among family planning circles that contraception of all types fails way more often than is officially claimed. Between 1/4 and 1/2 of all abortions are the result of failed contraception. IUDs are supposedly over 99% effective, I have even seen it claimed that they are more effective than sterilization, but I know four women who have gotten pg with them. One of the local midwives here says she will no longer allow them in her practice because she has seen too many pregnancies associated with IUD use, and the complications are severe. Even if contraception and sterilization were not mortal sins, it would still be the wrong choice…why do you think Planned Parenthood makes so much money? It’s because they peddle products that have such high failure rates that there will always be a large pool of abortion candidates.

 

[thewanderer]

I’m sure you don’t mean this, but I just want to caution anyone for misinterpreting here and thinking that you or I or anyone is advocating for her to go and have a boatload more kids just because it’s been good for you or your fiance… or that it was great for say, my in-laws. Which it was.

I’d argue it’s a decidedly bad idea here, but that’s because her husband is not supportive. Not because having more children in general is a bad idea.

Financial concerns are real concerns. They are not something to be swept aside. Sometimes they are real and true impediments to having more kids now or even for an indefinite period. Sometimes they are just needless worries. No one can know which is the true case here or in anyone else’s situation. The only people who can make that call are the spouses in those specific situations.

Oh, yes, sorry if it came across as though I was trying to tell her she ought to have more kids. I really wasn’t careful about how I wrote that. Financial concerns are absolutely real and should not be ignored. Its just that it sounded from what we have so far heard as though a large part of the reason she and her husband are upset about having the child they currently have is because they are worried that with 4 children the children will no longer get enough attention and so will have worse lives because of it. I just want to help her see that this is not something she or her husband needs to worry about nearly as much as it seems that they currently are.

 

[Rico_S]

" Not “my husband has threatened to divorce me and demanded our child be put up for adoption.” That last part pretty much blinds me to the idea that he’s merely misinformed or panicking or a product of a secular culture. I would be sensitive to that.

I’m not sensitive to a guy who says he wants to divorce his wife for getting pregnant… with his own kid. That’s lunacy.

After our 3rd child—all 4 years or younger–our lives and marriage became quite chaotic. I am not sure what it was, but we were fine and dandy after the 2nd child, but when the 3rd came and whamo!! everything seemed to fall apart. I can’t exactly put my finger on why…It is hard to describe but it was a huge transition in our lives. It felt like we were just treading water on all fronts…just keeping our head above the water, including our marriage. My wife was a huge proponent of catholic education, and we were trying to financially prepare as our oldest was already in kindergarten. Not a high point in our married life.

Anyway while in the midst of struggling with this we found out we were pregnant with our 4th…an impossibility according to our NFP sources. I remember when she came to me to tell me the news. If felt like an elephant just sat on my chest. This wave of despair came over me and the impossibility of making this work was all consuming. After the initial despair…a wave of anger came… and I had some choice words to say about NFP and her devotion to it. I don’t remember all the details of that conversation but I remember saying some pretty hurtful things. I remember telling her that catholic education was officially off the table…I remember saying that she will have to go to work after having the baby. While I never said I was going to leave, I do remember saying something along the lines that I would be surprised if we made it. I am sure there is more, but I hope you get the point.

Anyway, I am 100% certain that if my wife came here and posted about those days she could post things that were 100% true and CAF would think I was a monster. (of course, I am sure the really, really holy CAFers already do with what I have shared); perhaps even claiming abuse and posting abuse hotline numbers. Of course, I am not proud of my behavior there, but when everything is put into context, it “makes more sense.” Low spot in our marriage, chaotic household, struggling to financially make things go, etc… This is not justification, just proper perspective. Something we do not have with her husband. We are hearing one side, and it is a side from a woman in despair!!

Look…saying he is going to leave is awful. Having that conversation with her brother is awful. Saying she has to put the child up for adoption is awful. I get it. I agree. Terribly unloving. Inexuseable. But we do lack some perspective here…and should avoid going off the deep end with the demonization of this guy. I know from personal experience that my anger/despair have lead me to say things…horrible, unloving things to my wife, about my wife, that i completely regret now. (Yes, I know most of the CAFers out there have never done that).

It really bothers me when the CAFer pile on…extrapolating into thinking they really know what this guys is thinking. Saying :"That is nonsense. He has a pretty faulty sense of love if that’s what he thinks. “I need absolute control over my sexual life in order to love my kids properly.” That doesn’t even make any sense." is doing just that, imo. Every post where she releases a bit more info is like,’“OMG, OMG OMG, this guy is the devil”

And again, I have to say this so I don’t get harangued (probably will anyway), but her husband has said stuff that is way out of line and is in not defensible. He sounds like a creep from some of the things he said.

I really feel for the OP and hope that time will bring some clarity to her.

 

[The_Bucket]

Having zero tolerance and zero sympathy for this guy because I’m incensed at his extremely troubling words does not mean he’s irredeemable. What he said constitutes bullying and abuse. And he should be smacked around for it. He should be smacked around so he can understand the depth of the injury he’s causing.

Rico, I’m sure I’ve said and done worse with my wife than you have with yours. I’ve never threatened my wife with abandonment… but I did emotionally abandon her via addiction. I was emotionally and spiritually abusive. I never laid a hand on her. I can’t remember ever calling her dumb, or worthless, or any of those things you’d normally associate with emotional abuse… but I remember the anger. I remember the passive-aggressiveness and the manic insanity I possessed. I knew she felt like I was directing at her, even though I really was directing it at myself, but I didn’t do anything to assuage her fears besides saying “I’m angry at me.” I refused to elaborate to hide my own addiction. It’s what cowards do. And that’s what I was.

You might have had a weak moment or two. I had weak years. I’m coming at it from the perspective of a guy who was so deep into pornography I didn’t realize or even care that I was emotionally crippling my wife and oldest child. I’m coming at it from the perspective of a guy who actually was that monster.

And I’m telling you that it was beyond inexcusable and I deserved any and all wrath directed at me. I still do. No one should have the slightest bit of sympathy for me and they are all right that I am extremely fortunate that my wife came back after packing up the kids and leaving for awhile.

I will never for one second say that anyone is irredeemable or cannot change. I know for a fact that people can and do if they surrender their lives to God. But when I see monstrous behavior, I’m going to call it out. I do not want anyone to imitate me.

Oh and this was not some distant past thing either. I was pretty good at duplicity. See that join date up there in the corner? Yeah. I was on CAF and a fairly frequent poster… while I was doing this. I didn’t get my you-know-what together and get into a program until May of last year. So please. I know all about being a pretty terrible person. I do not want anyone to copy me and I do not want anyone else to be hurt the way I hurt my family.

 

[sdeco]

May I ask how old your children are?

They are 8, 4 and 20 months.

I will repeat that if my husband stated that our child should be adopted out after birth, I would kick him out of the house and file for separation, at least.

And how exactly am I supposed to support myself and four kids? It is very, very easy for people to say these things when they are not in my situation.

You know, I actually did talk to a priest when I was pregnant with my third, because my husband was very upset about it also and wanted to use birth control. The priest had the nerve to tell me that if I ever became pregnant again unexpectedly, there are infertile couples in the church who would take my baby. I was livid. I think I mumbled something about how giving my baby away would be like cutting off my leg, and that I would never do that. I never went back to that priest. That experience is party why I am reluctant to talk to a priest. They are so far removed from reality sometimes. (That priest is no longer at my parish, fortunately.) When even priests won’t be there for me, I don’t know what to do.

It is looking like my husband will go ahead with the vasectomy. I have pretty much done all I can at this point.

 

[russet1]

They are 8, 4 and 20 months.

And how exactly am I supposed to support myself and four kids? It is very, very easy for people to say these things when they are not in my situation.

You know, I actually did talk to a priest when I was pregnant with my third, because my husband was very upset about it also and wanted to use birth control. The priest had the nerve to tell me that if I ever became pregnant again unexpectedly, there are infertile couples in the church who would take my baby. I was livid. I think I mumbled something about how giving my baby away would be like cutting off my leg, and that I would never do that. I never went back to that priest. That experience is party why I am reluctant to talk to a priest. They are so far removed from reality sometimes. (That priest is no longer at my parish, fortunately.) When even priests won’t be there for me, I don’t know what to do.

It is looking like my husband will go ahead with the vasectomy. I have pretty much done all I can at this point.

I would gladly take any past or future children you brought into this world.
Your marriage will suffer greatly.

 

[mommamaree]

They are 8, 4 and 20 months.

And how exactly am I supposed to support myself and four kids? It is very, very easy for people to say these things when they are not in my situation.

You know, I actually did talk to a priest when I was pregnant with my third, because my husband was very upset about it also and wanted to use birth control. The priest had the nerve to tell me that if I ever became pregnant again unexpectedly, there are infertile couples in the church who would take my baby. I was livid. I think I mumbled something about how giving my baby away would be like cutting off my leg, and that I would never do that. I never went back to that priest. That experience is party why I am reluctant to talk to a priest. They are so far removed from reality sometimes. (That priest is no longer at my parish, fortunately.) When even priests won’t be there for me, I don’t know what to do.

It is looking like my husband will go ahead with the vasectomy. I have pretty much done all I can at this point.

The spacing of your children is very much like my own!
8, 5, just turned 2, and newborn.
It is very challenging, but I have been told by trustworthy people that this is the hardest time and it does get easier once your oldest two kids are past kindergarten. Indeed I am already seeing some (name removed by moderator)rovements in the last 6 months.

That comment by the priest was horribly insensitive. I remember how, just two days before I found out that I was pregnant with my first, my mother told me that my liitle sister was pregnant out of wedlock. She then said wouldn’t it be wonderful if I turned out to be infertile, and then I could just adopt my sister’s baby. . That hurt terribly. It is amazing how many people are so callous as to take it upon themselves to assign “possession” of a baby from one person to another, as if they know best and as if babies are commodities to redistribute according to human whims. And now, not only is your priest saying such things, but your husband, who is handling the surprises and challenges of parenthood very poorly, is saying similar things to you. As if you could ever give up your own baby when you as a mother are quite capable of nurturing the offspring your husband helped you to conceive.
There have been some times when my own husband has said or done some truly hurtful things like this during crises. I have forgiven him because he was not in his right mind and he apologized and felt really bad for hurting me. Plus, I love him!
I can tell you are feeling a lot of anxiety and your husband is trying to punish you for his fear of not being in control, by making hurtful comments or threats. I will pray for God to soften his heart and help him to see how he is hurting you and his children. If he does go through with the vasectomy, it is not your fault. It appears to me that he knows the Church’s teaching and your feelings quite well and tht has been a major source of conflict for you as a Couple for a long time now. I am sorry that this has happened to your marriage. Maybe, if he does get a vasectomy, instead of fighting about NFP, somehow the Lord will convict him. Not that that would change the outcome, as he would likely remain sterile unless he sought a reversal in the future, but that it would change his heart. God can use the interior and exterior consequences of our sin to bring us back to him in extraordinary ways. I have seen it in my own life.
I will keep your family in my prayers, sdeco. You have been on my mind so much, since we have several things in common. God bless!

 

[mommamaree]

I would gladly take any past or future children you brought into this world.
Your marriage will suffer greatly.

This is a rather hurtful comment. I think the OP has suffered enough.

Why do so many people want to take this woman’s children away from her.

Sdeco,
Mary knows your pain. Your instincts are to nurture the child of your woman, no matter how much of a surprise they are. Of course, the Blessed Virgin understands. Let her be your companion and refuge. She can help you let go of your fears and enjoy this pregnancy and the baby that is on its way.

 

[Brendan_64]

That experience is party why I am reluctant to talk to a priest. They are so far removed from reality sometimes. (That priest is no longer at my parish, fortunately.) When even priests won’t be there for me, I don’t know what to do.

So that particular priest is no longer there, but you insist that you cannot go and speak to any priest, even though that guy has left. That just sounds like an excuse to me? Priests are human like the rest of us, they are not all the same.

The bottom line is that you must not should, must speak to a priest about this. This is a matter of potential grave sin. The bottom line is that if you don’t even speak to a priest in confession about such things, then you are in very grave risk of eternal damnation. Is that really worth it, just because one particular priest in the past said something crass and upsetting to you in the past? That sounds to me like you’re trying to justify your not wanting to go and speak to any priest.

We all stand alone before our Lord at our day of judgement. Its probably advisable for a Catholic to have discussed grave matters with a priest in confession before that point.

Go and see a priest, any priest, Try and find one that you think you’d be more comfortable talking to than others, but you** must** find a priest.

 

[sdeco]

I would gladly take any past or future children you brought into this world.
Your marriage will suffer greatly.

Go to hell.

 

[Rose74]

Did you not read her post? Her husband is going to get a vasectomy. She is against it. That is on him. She is not going to hell for what her husband does.

 

[sdeco]

The spacing of your children is very much like my own!
8, 5, just turned 2, and newborn.
It is very challenging, but I have been told by trustworthy people that this is the hardest time and it does get easier once your oldest two kids are past kindergarten. Indeed I am already seeing some (name removed by moderator)rovements in the last 6 months.

That comment by the priest was horribly insensitive. I remember how, just two days before I found out that I was pregnant with my first, my mother told me that my liitle sister was pregnant out of wedlock. She then said wouldn’t it be wonderful if I turned out to be infertile, and then I could just adopt my sister’s baby. . That hurt terribly. It is amazing how many people are so callous as to take it upon themselves to assign “possession” of a baby from one person to another, as if they know best and as if babies are commodities to redistribute according to human whims. And now, not only is your priest saying such things, but your husband, who is handling the surprises and challenges of parenthood very poorly, is saying similar things to you. As if you could ever give up your own baby when you as a mother are quite capable of nurturing the offspring your husband helped you to conceive.
There have been some times when my own husband has said or done some truly hurtful things like this during crises. I have forgiven him because he was not in his right mind and he apologized and felt really bad for hurting me. Plus, I love him!
I can tell you are feeling a lot of anxiety and your husband is trying to punish you for his fear of not being in control, by making hurtful comments or threats. I will pray for God to soften his heart and help him to see how he is hurting you and his children. If he does go through with the vasectomy, it is not your fault. It appears to me that he knows the Church’s teaching and your feelings quite well and tht has been a major source of conflict for you as a Couple for a long time now. I am sorry that this has happened to your marriage. Maybe, if he does get a vasectomy, instead of fighting about NFP, somehow the Lord will convict him. Not that that would change the outcome, as he would likely remain sterile unless he sought a reversal in the future, but that it would change his heart. God can use the interior and exterior consequences of our sin to bring us back to him in extraordinary ways. I have seen it in my own life.
I will keep your family in my prayers, sdeco. You have been on my mind so much, since we have several things in common. God bless!

Thank you for your kind words.

Another thing I’m worried about is my husband wants to teach our kids to use birth control when they get married. He doesn’t want them to go through what we went through. I don’t know what to do about that.

 

[russet1]

This is a rather hurtful comment. I think the OP has suffered enough.

Why do so many people want to take this woman’s children away from her.

Sdeco,
Mary knows your pain. Your instincts are to nurture the child of your woman, no matter how much of a surprise they are. Of course, the Blessed Virgin understands. Let her be your companion and refuge. She can help you let go of your fears and enjoy this pregnancy and the baby that is on its way.

I’m sorry it might have been insensitive but I have read her posts that have said that she just can’t take it anymore and that she and her husband are contemplating getting sterilized. She also said that after her third they considred birth control.
I have 4 kids. I am sure she is a good mother but she did come on here and tell the world about this issue. I think everyone should help anyone who feels overwhelmed. My comment was not meant to be mean. I am quite serious. We should never offer something like that unless we could back it up.
I would pay someone to not have an abortion.
I would pay someone to not mutilate their body and commit sin.
I am sorry if I offended. I will leave the post.
Honestly I think the priest was fine in offering that. We ask our priests to be pro life and he may have been trying to communicate an option that could have been on the table.
What is the difference between saying I don’t want a potential soul on this earth so I will sterilize and I think it would be best if someone else took care of the person? Both are not recognizing God’s sovernty over your life and marriage. Only one option still brings a precious soul to the world who would be loved.

 

[KellyPalmer]

You know, I actually did talk to a priest when I was pregnant with my third, because my husband was very upset about it also and wanted to use birth control. The priest had the nerve to tell me that if I ever became pregnant again unexpectedly, there are infertile couples in the church who would take my baby. I was livid. I think I mumbled something about how giving my baby away would be like cutting off my leg, and that I would never do that. I never went back to that priest. That experience is party why I am reluctant to talk to a priest. They are so far removed from reality sometimes. (That priest is no longer at my parish, fortunately.) When even priests won’t be there for me, I don’t know what to do.

It is looking like my husband will go ahead with the vasectomy. I have pretty much done all I can at this point.

IME, having them spaced apart like that is more difficult than having them close in age. My heart goes out to you – I see how this would cause even more stress!

That said, I think you need to hear this – you have not pretty much done all that you can do. It sounds like you’ve done almost nothing. The only thing you’ve done is made an angry post on the internet and reminisced your bitter feelings about a meeting with a Priest years ago. You better believe that if I was about to “let” my husband get a vasectomy, I’d be at my Priests door for spiritual guidance. If you guys go ahead with this, you need to at least be honest with yourself that you’ve done basically nothing about it. Because if you are not honest with yourself now, there’s a good chance you will realize this one day.

 

[sdeco]

That said, I think you need to hear this – you have not pretty much done all that you can do. It sounds like you’ve done almost nothing. The only thing you’ve done is made an angry post on the internet and reminisced your bitter feelings about a meeting with a Priest years ago. You better believe that if I was about to “let” my husband get a vasectomy, I’d be at my Priests door for spiritual guidance. If you guys go ahead with this, you need to at least be honest with yourself that you’ve done basically nothing about it. Because if you are not honest with yourself now, there’s a good chance you will realize this one day.

How can you say that?? I have been using NFP for TEN YEARS. I kept using it after the first surprise pregnancy, which resulted in me getting fired for being pregnant (I know this because a former boss told me.) I kept using it after the second surprise pregnancy, which resulted in me having a very dangerous complication (preeclampsia), which in turn resulted in me developing pretty severe health anxiety and panic attacks. Then I had a third surprise pregnancy. At that point my husband was also talking divorce and pushing birth control. Then I had a FOURTH surprise pregnancy.

I have been going to an NFP-only doctor for years. I’ve tried multiple methods, a fertility monitor, diet, medications, etc. Nothing has worked. I have had many, many, many discussions and arguments with my husband, I stood my ground for many years. I tried and tried and tried to find a way to make it work. This is going to destroy my marriage and family. I don’t know what else I can do.

 

[KellyPalmer]

How can you say that?? I have been using NFP for TEN YEARS. I kept using it after the first surprise pregnancy, which resulted in me getting fired for being pregnant (I know this because a former boss told me.) I kept using it after the second surprise pregnancy, which resulted in me having a very dangerous complication (preeclampsia), which in turn resulted in me developing pretty severe health anxiety and panic attacks. Then I had a third surprise pregnancy. At that point my husband was also talking divorce and pushing birth control. Then I had a FOURTH surprise pregnancy.

I have been going to an NFP-only doctor for years. I’ve tried multiple methods, a fertility monitor, diet, medications, etc. Nothing has worked. I have had many, many, many discussions and arguments with my husband, I stood my ground for many years. I tried and tried and tried to find a way to make it work. This is going to destroy my marriage and family. I don’t know what else I can do.

I fail to see how having surprise pregnancy equals doing something about the current wish to be sterilized. Yes, you’ve struggled with NFP but what are you doing about the issue of sterilization now? I’m not seeing anything. It sounds like you came here with your mind already made up and now you want to believe that you’ve done all you can – you haven’t. You need to talk to a Priest. That’s step 1. You haven’t even taken that first step.

 

[mommamaree]

IME, having them spaced apart like that is more difficult than having them close in age. My heart goes out to you – I see how this would cause even more stress!

That said, I think you need to hear this – you have not pretty much done all that you can do. It sounds like you’ve done almost nothing. The only thing you’ve done is made an angry post on the internet and reminisced your bitter feelings about a meeting with a Priest years ago. You better believe that if I was about to “let” my husband get a vasectomy, I’d be at my Priests door for spiritual guidance. If you guys go ahead with this, you need to at least be honest with yourself that you’ve done basically nothing about it. Because if you are not honest with yourself now, there’s a good chance you will realize this one day.

She has not “done nothing” as you say. She has practiced NFP for years, against the wishes of her husband. She has refused sterilization on at least one occasion. She has refused to use contraceptives. She has told her husband why. She has mentioned here the fallout from such disagreements with her husband. He talked about sterilization before, and she has successfully held him off for quite some time. She talked to a priest about this issue in her last pregnancy, which was only 2years ago. And at that time, rather than counsel her, the priest offered to take her children and give them away! No wonder she is a bit shy about opening herself up to a priest again. I only wish she could talk to our pastor. He is so gracious and empathetic and wise. OP, are there any priests at your parish now that are like that? I will pray for you on that one too.
I am not sure what she is expected to do here. Level threats of her own at the husband? What good would that do? Physically restrain him so he cannot go to his surgery? Not likely to work. her husband knows it is wrong and he has witnessed her staying true to the teachings of the Church for years. What else is possible to be done?
If sdeco’s husband would agree to consult a priest, that would be wonderful. But if he refuses, what can be done?
I just feel like sdeco is bearing the burden of condemnation here for something she is not guilty of. It is not going to help her in this situation and it is not charitable. To answer her initial question, neither should get sterilized. But if her husband insists on sterilization, despite her objections and gainst Church teachings, she is not guilty for his sin.