Would it be better for me to get sterilized, or my husband?

[RedSparklyShoes]

NFP and avoiding a pregnancy does NOT mean that there is no intimacy. My husband and I are currently avoiding for some medical issues on my part. During times of abstaining, we still do have naked closeness and snuggling and nuzzling and cuddling. I LONG for a baby right now, but I’ve been so sick that it truly would not be a good idea right now.

 

[ffg]

To everyone telling me to “just use NFP” - we have been using NFP for ten years.

I tried to follow church teaching. I tried for ten long years. I can’t do it anymore.

So you and your husband are fertile people (a gift) and have been not using artificial contraception.

That’s good.

Is 10 years supposed to be a long time? and what does that have to do with right and wrong?

Try the Billings method. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to try anything until after the baby comes, but you can at least learn.

.Getting sterilized is not going to be healthy spiritually and possibly physically, it will also destroy your marriage.

With regard to your plan, you don’t know what your penance would be, what if it is to reverse the sterilization?

NFP is also something that BOTH of you need to be engaged in. Your husband ‘blaming’ you is idiotic at best.

I would spend some time in prayer as you sound angry over a good, and you are desiring a wrong.

 

[ffg]

And then I would be a single mother of four. How on earth will I support four kids by myself?

This is an absolute nightmare. I should have stayed single.

If you can understand that children are a gift. Figure out who from, and then trust that He provides for those who do right.

The means will be there.

You need to not use this site as your counceling, you need to make an appointment with a priest. and then possibly a good Catholic counselor for you and your husband.

But right now as a pregnant mother, go to saintgerard.com/

St. Gerard is the patron saint of Motherhood. Pray the novena and invite your husband to join you each time before you start. Pray it often during pregnancy.

 

[Brendan_64]

With regard to your plan, you don’t know what your penance would be, what if it is to reverse the sterilization?

Or to abstain from sex, since it is no longer open to reproduction and is potentially blocking God’s plan.

 

[The_Bucket]

Or to abstain from sex, since it is no longer open to reproduction and is potentially blocking God’s plan.

A good priest would never demand this as a penance. The Church’s teaching regarding sterilization is clear, as is the requirement for being absolved from the sin. As with anything else, all that is required is repentance and confession. One need not seek out a reversal.

However, just throwing up your hands and saying “whatever he does, he does” is not a proper attitude. You have to actually object. And you have to mean it. You can’t say “I can’t control you dear husband” and then secretly be relieved that he put the burden of the sin on his soul so you can benefit. God does not work that way. There aren’t any loopholes with an omniscient God.

 

[porthos11]

A good priest would never demand this as a penance. The Church’s teaching regarding sterilization is clear, as is the requirement for being absolved from the sin. As with anything else, all that is required is repentance and confession. One need not seek out a reversal.

However, just throwing up your hands and saying “whatever he does, he does” is not a proper attitude. You have to actually object. And you have to mean it. You can’t say “I can’t control you dear husband” and then secretly be relieved that he put the burden of the sin on his soul so you can benefit. God does not work that way. There aren’t any loopholes with an omniscient God.

^ This. Reversal is not required, but contrition is, and as you said, God is not mocked. This last part constitutes such a grave risk that contrition won’t be true, which is why we cannot use the “I can just confess” attitude.

 

[The_Bucket]

Again, that’s not to say that presumption cannot be forgiven. But the problem with presumption is not that God is unable or unwilling to forgive, it’s that the penitent is creating more and more barriers between himself and God.

The problem with receiving forgiveness is never that God is too angry or that one’s sin is too grave, it’s that the deeper one goes into sin the more and more he or she thinks either A) his sins are unforgivable or B) his sins are not sins and therefore there is no need for forgiveness and repentance.

Presuming God’s mercy is playing with fire indeed. God will always forgive to be sure, but how can you actually be contrite when you think that it’s basically all a game?

 

[Rico_S]

However, just throwing up your hands and saying “whatever he does, he does” is not a proper attitude. You have to actually object. And you have to mean it. You can’t say “I can’t control you dear husband” and then secretly be relieved that he put the burden of the sin on his soul so you can benefit. God does not work that way. There aren’t any loopholes with an omniscient God.

How far does she have to go? Clearly she can’t say, "I object " quietly once and then say nothing again. But what does that look like to really “mean it” from her perspective. Tell him no sex if he does it? Put some other negative consequence to doing it? Physically try to keep him from getting it done? Personally, if she has been clear with her objection and explains what the church teaching is on the matter, and he still insists on getting one, I don’t see how she holds any responsibility.

As to the fact that she may feel a sense of relief…I can only imagine that she would. She is human and this would solve an immediate issue that threatens her marriage. Not sure she can be condemned for having those feelings. However, I am sure the relief of this burden will come with guilt (which may have its own price).

 

[Soren_Itenu]

Rico,

You don’t seem to get it.

Faith is irrelevant in this matter.

A wife desperately needs her husband to do something. Husband would rather abandon her and the children than do that thing. We can conclude from that decision that he doesn’t love her.

 

[irishcelt8]

Please know that I am praying for you and your husband, and each of your precious children. I have PCOS and my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant, to no avail so far. Our doctor recently recommended that we use prometrium in order to help shorten the cycle. I have not taken it yet, because prometrium should be used after the peak period in order to co-operate with your cycle. If Prometrium is used after the peak period, it will create a normal cycle for the next stage. If you take it prior, then it will make it difficult to read the mucus signs and may cause complications if you were to get pregnant. Two of my doctor’s (one a non-NFP doctor, and the other is an NFP doctor) both agree that the best thing for PCOS patients to do is to have a healthy diet and get some exercise (I know it is not easy when you’re working full time, and raising multiple kids, but it is important for your health too!). As soon as I began exercising and eating healthier, I began to recognize my fertile indicators much easier. At present, I am waiting for my next period to really get two months of good charting before I take the prometrium. We hope God will bless us then!

I ask that you sincerely pray that God will open your hearts. It is not your child’s fault, nor God’s, nor yours, nor your husband’s. Your precious offspring are a gift and you are being called to bring this precious little one into the world for a marvelous purpose. I hope that the pressures of the extended family and finances and responsibilities do not bring you to a bad place. I know that PCOS is a frustrating thing, but know that there are other options out there that are good for you and do not lead you down a path to sin. Regardless, I will be praying for you.

 

[Rico_S]

Rico,

You don’t seem to get it.

Faith is irrelevant in this matter.

.

No. I absolutely get it. And faith is completely relevant which is why you don’t.

I

 

[Soren_Itenu]

I would try to argue the obvious with you, but I learned long ago that it doesn’t work on the Internet. I cannot meet you face to face, and therefore this kind of back and forth can become uncharitable really quick. Sorry, but this is where we end.

 

[Rico_S]

I would try to argue the obvious with you, but I learned long ago that it doesn’t work on the Internet. I cannot meet you face to face, and therefore this kind of back and forth can become uncharitable really quick. Sorry, but this is where we end.

Ok

 

[mommamaree]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Forgive my asking, but why are you considering sterilization at all after only four children? I must admit that I know nothing about PCOS or Prometrium. Why are your surprise pregnancies problematic?

I don’t mean to pry, but I have read the whole thread so far and cannot figure out why a fourth surprise pregnancy is such a crisis. For that matter, why is any pregnancy such a surprise or cause for consternation. You and your husband were joined in Holy Matrimony (literally means “to make a mother”) and vowed to lovingly receive any children God should send you. What changed?

Please do not commit this grave sin. Please do not remain silent and allow your husband to commit this grave sin. God bless you both. I will pray for you. This is just such a sad situation.

 

[sdeco]

ONLY four? Are you kidding me? Surprise pregnancy is unbelievably stressful. I have to work part time to help support the family, and my MIL watches the kids while I work. Now we have to figure out childcare options. We don’t know if she will be willing to watch yet another kid. I also don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle four along with my part-time job,

My husband yelled at me this evening and said I was “selfish” for continuing to insist on NFP for all these years. He wanted to use birth control years ago after our first surprise. He said he wants to give the baby up for adoption (I refused - that would destroy me) and threatened to leave. He finally relented when I assured him one of us could get sterilized. He said he had told my brother once that he would leave me if I got pregnant again, and my brother said he didn’t blame him.

He thinks it’s selfish to use NFP because it creates more work for everyone, not just me. It creates more work for him and for my MIL, who watches the kids some days. He also thinks it’s bad for all the kids because they get less attention.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Won’t any of the children be in school by the time baby comes?

Again, I know this is stressful and overwhelming. Please try to remain calm. Try to accept this baby.

Try to pray for acceptance and ask God for his guidance.

Please see your OB to make sure how far along you are. I am concerned that you were on prometrium and are now not taking it. Please ask your OB to test your progesterone levels to see if you need progesterone supplementation. Lack of progesterone could lead to miscarriage.

I’ll pray for your serenity, for your husband to accept the baby, and please don’t make any permanent decisions now.

 

[mommamaree]

ONLY four? Are you kidding me? Surprise pregnancy is unbelievably stressful. I have to work part time to help support the family, and my MIL watches the kids while I work. Now we have to figure out childcare options. We don’t know if she will be willing to watch yet another kid. I also don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle four along with my part-time job,

My husband yelled at me this evening and said I was “selfish” for continuing to insist on NFP for all these years. He wanted to use birth control years ago after our first surprise. He said he wants to give the baby up for adoption (I refused - that would destroy me) and threatened to leave. He finally relented when I assured him one of us could get sterilized. He said he had told my brother once that he would leave me if I got pregnant again, and my brother said he didn’t blame him.

He thinks it’s selfish to use NFP because it creates more work for everyone, not just me. It creates more work for him and for my MIL, who watches the kids some days. He also thinks it’s bad for all the kids because they get less attention.

I see. I am in tears after reading this. You are being treated abominably, by your husband and your own brother. Please, please go to your priest and tell him everything that you have shared here. You need good spiritual counsel, not just moral advice. Regardless of what your husband and brother seem to believe, you are lovable and unique and precious. You need healing and affirmation of God’s love for you.

By the way, I was not being facetious when I asked about only four kids. I just recently had my fourth child. It is a challenge, but my husband is a good man and he helps me at home and we have wonderful friends who step in to help during difficult times. I wish you had those blessings to support you. It is your family who is failing you, not you failing them. It is their selfishness, not yours. Four children should not be that big of a crisis, but in our contraceptive culture, babies are unfortunately viewed as burdens instead of blessings. I will also pray that you are able to enjoy your pregnancy, and feel joy and excitement about the new life growing within your womb. I will pray that your husband’s heart will soften toward you and his children, born and unborn.

 

[Soren_Itenu]

Is your husband a member here? I have two or three choice words to speak in his ear.

You are nothing to him but a vessel for sex.

 

[porthos11]

My husband yelled at me this evening and said I was “selfish” for continuing to insist on NFP for all these years. He wanted to use birth control years ago after our first surprise. He said he wants to give the baby up for adoption (I refused - that would destroy me) and** threatened to leave.** He finally relented when I assured him one of us could get sterilized. He said he had told my brother once that he would leave me if I got pregnant again, and my brother said he didn’t blame him.

Selfish? And you believe him?

Wow. Just wow. What kind of husband is this? This isn’t about the sterilization anymore. It’s about a spouse willing to leave his wife over her faith. This is why you’re struggling; it’s not really about Church teaching. I think you’re at peace with it. It’s actually your husband, and you’re just naturally afraid of breaking up your family, as any decent wife would.

You, ma’am, unfortunately and very sadly, have some thinking to do and not about sterilization, but about this man you’re with. I mean, what decent husband threatens to leave his family for any reason whatsoever? You don’t come across as psycho or violent, just struggling with the tough moral teachings of your faith, so what justification does he have to leave you? I’ll tell you right now, NOTHING. He is bullying you and you should first admit that.

I’m sorry to be so blunt; this is not about you. He has some manning up to do, and you have much to think about. I’m a married man myself and I find this attitude from him absolutely abhorrent. I don’t get as much sex as I would like either, but this is unthinkable. I’m sure many others here will feel the same way as well.

 

[Listener]

I think you need to talk to a priest. You are truly in dire circumstances if your husband is threatening to give the baby up for adoption. If one of you does get sterilized, it should be him, not you. Number one, it is a much simpler procedure for men. Number two, he is the one who said you should have been using birth control all along. He has free will, and this is apparently what he wants to do. You can’t really control what he does. If he decides to leave you, you can’t really control that, either. I also can’t see how you would have “full consent” if he decides to go ahead with this. I think that a priest could help you to see this, and I hope you will discuss this with a priest.