Would it be better for me to get sterilized, or my husband?

[sdeco]

I do not understand why everyone is getting so upset. Just because giving a baby up for adoption would be much, much, much worse than miscarriage doesn’t mean miscarriage is easy. People are saying I’m insensitive to people who have had miscarriages - but aren’t you all being insensitive to people who have had to give a baby up for adoption?!? In what universe is miscarriage worse than giving a baby up for adoption?? That is just insane.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Notice that every time the thread seems to go quiet, a poster comes on to stir things up again. And I do mean, STIR.

Ignore or unsubscribe.

 

[aspirant]

I can’t believe what I am reading here, and why would a catholic even ask the question to begin with?

Don’t come down too hard. Based on her several other posts, the OP appears to be in an abusive relationship, and should be encouraged to begin making safety plans for herself and her children.

 

[agapewolf]

I do not understand why everyone is getting so upset. Just because giving a baby up for adoption would be much, much, much worse than miscarriage doesn’t mean miscarriage is easy. People are saying I’m insensitive to people who have had miscarriages - but aren’t you all being insensitive to people who have had to give a baby up for adoption?!? In what universe is miscarriage worse than giving a baby up for adoption?? That is just insane.

Are you kidding me? A dead baby vs one that is living with loving adopted parents?

This universe. You have offended people who have miscarried, people who have been adopted, and infertile people.

 

[agapewolf]

You are WAY out of line.

We always intended to have children. The reason we didn’t “try when the time was right” is because we never had the chance!! We kept being surprised. The reason the first two are four years apart is because we were both working full-time and my husband was in grad school. We had serious reasons to avoid the entire time. Just because I haven’t found a way to make NFP work for me doesn’t mean I don’t want my kids. That makes no sense.

Sounds to me like NFP DID work for you ???

You’ve mixed methods. that’s not doing NFP correctly.

 

[Rose74]

Are you kidding me? A dead baby vs one that is living with loving adopted parents?

This universe. You have offended people who have miscarried, people who have been adopted, and infertile people.

I’ve miscarried and given birth to two children. Giving up my living children for adoption would be so much worse than the miscarriage. Those of you who think “just giving up the child for adoption” is always the best option don’t know what they are talking about. Thank God open adoption is now an option. All the heart ache the birthmother and adopted child feel is mitigated a bit, but still a family is destroyed for another family to be created.

 

[agapewolf]

I’ve miscarried and given birth to two children. Giving up my living children for adoption would be so much worse than the miscarriage. Those of you who think “just giving up the child for adoption” is always the best option don’t know what they are talking about. Thank God open adoption is now an option. All the heart ache the birthmother and adopted child feel is mitigated a bit, but still a family is destroyed for another family to be created.

You need to watch what you are saying here. I’m adopted. I don’t feel “ache”. And my birth mother’s family wasn’t “destroyed”

 

[thewanderer]

I’ve miscarried and given birth to two children. Giving up my living children for adoption would be so much worse than the miscarriage. Those of you who think “just giving up the child for adoption” is always the best option don’t know what they are talking about. Thank God open adoption is now an option. All the heart ache the birthmother and adopted child feel is mitigated a bit, but still a family is destroyed for another family to be created.

I just want to point out that no one is saying that adoption is always the best option. What they are objecting to is the idea that either a) the death of ones child is objectively better than giving them up for adoption or b) the pain of miscarriage is always less than the pain of giving ones child up for adoption. Both of these statements are false and everyone on this thread is right to point that out.

 

[fAitH_virtue]

I know many have said this before me, but, I would like to give my advice:
Neither of you getting sterilized would be a good idea! It’s a permanent procedure: once it’s done, it’s done, and there’s no going back. I recommend you speak to your local priest for help and advice. I’m sure he’ll be of help.
Meanwhile, I’ll pray for you to find your way through this hard patch in your life. Cherish your little miracle; children are a precious gift.
Oh, situations like this tear me to pieces. It’s easy to say ‘dont do it’ when you aren’t going through it. I wish you look on this hard desicion.
I wish you the best.

 

[Julianna]

I do not understand why everyone is getting so upset. Just because giving a baby up for adoption would be much, much, much worse than miscarriage doesn’t mean miscarriage is easy. People are saying I’m insensitive to people who have had miscarriages - but aren’t you all being insensitive to people who have had to give a baby up for adoption?!? In what universe is miscarriage worse than giving a baby up for adoption?? That is just insane.

A child is “placed” for adoption…not “given up”. Is it easy…no it is not. One has to consider what is “best” for the child. Adoption is a loving option. As a birth granny, not I am not insulted. I “know” this child “lives”, I know he has “quality” of life, I know he is better off than with my daughter. That is as it should be. Because it’s OPEN adoption, my daughter sees him once a year and if my husband and I choose, we can also visit with him. However, he has a “grandmother”, so I just back off.

I have known friends who have had a miscarriage. The family that adopted my daughter’s child had 5. It is a physical, emotional and a heart hurt experience.

FWIW, I understand your point. However, there is no worse than…each comes with it’s own emotional upheaval.

 

[The_Bucket]

I’m not trying to rub salt in any wounds or anything, but I just would like to softly note that you’ve made these kinds of threads many times in the past OP. You made a thread about your third and in years past you made a thread about your husband having drinking problems.

I really and truly hope that the latter issue has been resolved. That he’s in some kind of program or completed one; if not, then it’s safe to chalk this up to not addressing those issues. Like I posted many times before, I know what it’s like to be an addict and I know what kind of emotional and spiritual damage addicts can inflict on their loved ones. It’s horrible and I’m sure I will deal with the fallout for years to come even as I near my one-year anniversary of sobriety.

 

[MerryHeart]

As a Protestant, I tried to talk my husband into getting sterilized after two children. Then I would have gotten sterilized if I knew number three was a girl. She was but wouldn’t let us see in all three ultrasounds. Then we had number four a few months before joining the Catholic Church. We found out my husband had testicular cancer the week we found out I was pregnant with our fourth. He is in remission. But after surgery to remove the cancerous side, radiation with no effort to protect sperm, and NFP, we are unexpectedly pregnant with number five. So scary especially as young as I am. I worry we will look closer to the Duggars before long. But my last two are such beautiful blessings. How could I imagine life without them if we had gone ahead with sterilization. After we had praised God publicly for this fifth blessing, my husband got a generous unexpected raise and aced an audit to improve his monthly bonus. He is gonna take care of us even physically as this will be my fifth c-section. The future is unclear but I encourage you to trust God rather than commit grave sin. He is faithful.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

I’ve miscarried and given birth to two children. Giving up my living children for adoption would be so much worse than the miscarriage. Those of you who think “just giving up the child for adoption” is always the best option don’t know what they are talking about. Thank God open adoption is now an option. All the heart ache the birthmother and adopted child feel is mitigated a bit, but still a family is destroyed for another family to be created.

Thank you for confirming what I was thinking. I can’t speak from personal experience, but my hunch is that you grieve for a miscarried baby, but you never really get a chance to bond with him/her, so you move on. However, a child that you carry to term and then give up is going to be much harder on you, esp. where you start wondering years later what he/she looks like, if they are happy, what they are doing with their life…

 

[cheezey]

Thank you for confirming what I was thinking. I can’t speak from personal experience, but my hunch is that you grieve for a miscarried baby, but you never really get a chance to bond with him/her, so you move on.However, a child that you carry to term and then give up is going to be much harder on you, esp. where you start wondering years later what he/she looks like, if they are happy, what they are doing with their life…

Your hunch depends upon the individual… One grieves for a miscarried baby, but you never really get a chance to bond with him/her, and so you cannot move on. Who are you grieving? Often, not even sure a boy or a girl. Or it takes far longer, because there was no bonding, no understanding. No bonding to grieve is a stunner. Who am I grieving for, for the rest of my days?
Someone actually said to me, “At least you didn’t have to bury a baby.”
I said, “At least? Look at it the other way. I didn’t have a baby to bury. No way to formally say good bye.”

 

[WingsOfEagles]

Your hunch depends upon the individual… One grieves for a miscarried baby, but you never really get a chance to bond with him/her, and so you cannot move on. Who are you grieving? Often, not even sure a boy or a girl. Or it takes far longer, because there was no bonding, no understanding. No bonding to grieve is a stunner. Who am I grieving for, for the rest of my days?
Someone actually said to me, “At least you didn’t have to bury a baby.”
I said, “At least? Look at it the other way. I didn’t have a baby to bury. No way to formally say good bye.”

I’m sure it does depend on an individual’s personality. I think for me a pregnancy that ended in the 1st trimester wouldn’t be tangible enough to make me grieve long-term. I feel bad for the OP in that people have jumped all over her for saying she wouldn’t mind a miscarriage. Although she is pro-life, I think it could be easy to view a miscarriage as God’s way of saying the timing is right for this person to have a child right now.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

The level of grief over miscarriages varies immensely. I know people whose grief was almost nonexistent, and I know people who have suffered terrible feelings of loss and sadness for a really long time. Whatever characteristics of the mother and the specific situation go into her experience, the reality is that it varies widely. It really does no good to argue over how much miscarriage may or may not hurt, and how it compares to the death of older, already born children, or to adoption. They are not comparable because there are too many factors.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

That doesn’t make a statement about “a miscarriage being the best option” ok, but it is not because of hurt or feelings. It is because of the objective reality that that the baby’s life is valuable, and that it is not our place to judge when a person is better off dead. That is for God alone. But again, we don’t need to quibble over how the OP will feel, or even compare our own loss experiences to her detachment. It is just wrong to hope for death.

OP, maybe it would be helpful to pray the Our Father, focusing on, “Thy will be done…”

 

[sailor28]

sdeco,

I read your journey. My prayers are with you on this tough road. I sent you a private message.