Would you be upset if your adult child got engaged without talking to you first?

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I realize the answers are probably going to vary quite a bit on this question, but I am interested to hear different perspectives.

As a parent, would you be hurt or offended if your (adult) daughter’s boyfriend proposed without talking to you first and asking for your blessing? Would the answer change if it was your son who proposed to his girlfriend without talking to you first and asking for your blessing? If so, why?
 
Is it your position your adult child needs your blessing to ask someone to marry them or to accept a proposal?
 
My children are very young still, but I think I probably would not be upset if I knew the significant other well and liked them, thought they were a good fit for my child, etc. This would probably go either way - if my child was the asker or the askee. I think if I had misgivings I would probably find a time to tell them besides a “asking for blessing” conversation. Of course, if those weren’t answered I might be upset no matter what. 😉

If I didn’t know the person at all, I would think it very important that at some point prior to engagement my child let me know they were serious about this person and were thinking about marriage. If the other person was going to propose, I would really appreciate them taking the time to at least converse with me once if I hadn’t met with them before.

(I am a mom, by the way, if not obvious by my username. I don’t know if my husband would feel the same way or not.)

For me, it’s more about getting to know the person involved in my child’s life, than the specific ritual of asking for a blessing/permission.
 
1ke said:
Is it your position your adult child needs your blessing to ask someone to marry them or to accept a proposal?
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No, this is not my position. They are adults and are free to do as they wish. I do think it is a gesture that shows respect and good-will to parents, however.
 
I would be extremely hurt and offended if my child called out of no where to tell me they were engaged. I understand that sometimes life throws us hard circumstances that may make it impossible for me to meet every person my child dates, even seriously. But I do expect to be told that they have someone special in their life and that they are that serious about them.

But it strikes me as more than a little self-centered to expect that you will get to give another adult couple your permission, or even just blessing, to get married. It doesn’t work that way.
 
pensmama87 said:
My children are very young still, but I think I probably would not be upset if I knew the significant other well and liked them, thought they were a good fit for my child, etc. This would probably go either way - if my child was the asker or the askee. I think if I had misgivings I would probably find a time to tell them besides a “asking for blessing” conversation. Of course, if those weren’t answered I might be upset no matter what. 😉

If I didn’t know the person at all, I would think it very important that at some point prior to engagement my child let me know they were serious about this person and were thinking about marriage. If the other person was going to propose, I would really appreciate them taking the time to at least converse with me once if I hadn’t met with them before.

(I am a mom, by the way, if not obvious by my username. I don’t know if my husband would feel the same way or not.)

For me, it’s more about getting to know the person involved in my child’s life, than the specific ritual of asking for a blessing/permission.
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Good thoughts; I agree.
 
Short answer: no. She’ll be an adult, and that’s her decision, not ours.

Longer answer: Our DD will presumably be an adult when she gets engaged, with all that that entails. God willing, at the time that she gets engaged (if she does) she’ll be the faith-filled, educated, independent young woman we hope she’ll grow into. Depending on the boyfriend and scenario, I would either think it a) sweet but unnecessary or b) a disturbing suggestion of his views vis-à-vis women, marriage, and the differences between the sexes.

ETA: I would also be concerned if I’d never met/heard of this person before, but for a bigger reason than the engagement. It would suggest that our relationship with DD wasn’t a close or particularly good one.
 
Dacinom said:
I do not expect to be asked for a blessing, ever, although I have been asked once, it was very sweet. We were really just “going through the motions” in many respects. That particular child was plenty old enough to make their own decisions and that engagement had been coming for a while.

Are your feelings hurt? It is not Catholic Church teaching that a young man has to ask the parent’s for a blessing, therefore I do not expect it. ** I am sorry that you seem disappointed**.
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Oh, I am not disappointed, haha. I don’t have any children, much less adult children. I am asking this question just to get people’s perspectives on the matter. You have good thoughts, as always.
 
It wouldn’t bother me a bit.

I would, as others have said, expect to have met his intended. Or to have at least heard about her.
 
UbiCaritas said:
Short answer: no. She’ll be an adult, and that’s her decision, not ours.

Longer answer: Our DD will presumably be an adult when she gets engaged, with all that that entails. God willing, at the time that she gets engaged (if she does) she’ll be the faith-filled, educated, independent young woman we hope she’ll grow into. Depending on the boyfriend and scenario, I would either think it a) sweet but unnecessary or b) a disturbing suggestion of his views vis-à-vis women, marriage, and the differences between the sexes.

ETA: I would also be concerned if I’d never met/heard of this person before, but for a bigger reason than the engagement. It would suggest that our relationship with DD wasn’t a close or particularly good one.
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This very well sums up my thoughts too.

If any man asked for “permission” to marry one of my daughters, I would likely find it a bit troubling. If a man asked for my “blessing”, that would be sweet but unnecessary.

PS I neither asked for permission nor blessing from my wife’s parents.
 
I don’t think there is a clear cut answer to this and it depends. I currently have one son that is pretty steady with a girlfriend. I would imagine that this will continue and if everything stays as is can see them eventually getting married down the road. So with a child that has had a steady boyfriend/girlfriend and as a parent can see them together, then no I wouldn’t be upset if he comes home and announces that they are now engage. It is expected. Now, I have another son that doesn’t have a girlfriend and if suddenly and out of blue comes home and announces that he is now engaged and we never met her or gotten to know her, then I wouldn’t be upset but much more concerned especially if it is some kind of internet relationship to begin with. BTW my sons are 17 and 20. I think asking if a parent would be upset is not as accurate as maybe concern if the engagement is unforseen and unexpected. I realize and my husband agrees that our children need to make their own choices and who they marry needs to be their own choice and one they not us eventually live with.
 
I would be hurt if my child was hiding their significant other from me, but no, I wouldn’t expect them to ask my permission or blessing.

My husband didn’t ask before he proposed to me because I’m an adult and not property. My parents said the same thing to my in-laws when they apologized because DH didn’t ask my parents before he proposed 🙂
 
EnglishTeacher said:
I realize the answers are probably going to vary quite a bit on this question, but I am interested to hear different perspectives.

As a parent, would you be hurt or offended if your (adult) daughter’s boyfriend proposed without talking to you first and asking for your blessing? Would the answer change if it was your son who proposed to his girlfriend without talking to you first and asking for your blessing? If so, why?
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I would not be offended. Seeking parental blessing prior to engagement is not custom I have grown up with.
 
Marriage is about family. Traditionally, it signified a daughter going from the protection of her parents to a trusted suiter. Jacob became an indentured servents to prove to Sarrahs father he was a worthy suiter; however, I imagine the father was not only passing his beloved daughter, but legacy of his riches.

In today’s culture, marriage is still about family. Since most children skip marriage for education and career (men and women) that transition seems to be lacking. Also, with the nature of corporations, fathers/mothers rarely need a prodege’ to train for their legacy.

Again, marriage is about building family. I would imagine being proposed to might be unexpected (trendy today) and she would answer on the spot. Hopefully, the couple had a chance to introduce their fiancé before an engagement was underway, but so many are far away from their parents starting with college. I would find it respectful if they approached my husband first (man asking the girl goes to father). The couple should be working to build a strong family, not destroy the family.
 
I wouldn’t; but my perspective is that I’m in my mid-20’s and single. I don’t think my parents expect to be asked. :rolleyes:
 
EnglishTeacher said:
I realize the answers are probably going to vary quite a bit on this question, but I am interested to hear different perspectives.

As a parent, would you be hurt or offended if your (adult) daughter’s boyfriend proposed without talking to you first and asking for your blessing? Would the answer change if it was your son who proposed to his girlfriend without talking to you first and asking for your blessing? If so, why?
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Not at all. Neither of my children asked for our blessing although, unbeknownst to DD, SIL did ask her dad’s permission to propose to her. I was personally upset by this (not that he’d asked just her dad but that he’d asked at all) and told him I hoped if DH had said no that he still had the intention of proposing - they weren’t teenagers at the time.

DS1 told me he’d bought a ring and DS2 actually borrowed money from me to buy a ring (though that marriage never happened). Neither boys discussed it with us, they just told us.
 
My father told me that if a guy ever asks him for my hand in marriage, he would automatically say no. 1) because he doesn’t want to give up his little girl 2) no one is good enough for me and 3) going to my dad would suggest that he doesn’t respect me in my own right or that I am an object to obtain from him. Number 3 is the only serious reason, the other ones are just silly! But yeah, it is a nice gesture I guess but when the time comes for me to get engaged, my father and I don’t want it done. We are pretty traditional in most regards, but not this.
 
I’d be open to talking to my children about any big decision they wanted to bounce off of me, but I’ll be very surprised if my sons don’t decide who they are going to marry without asking me first. I certainly would not expect a future son-in-law to ask me about marrying my daughter before he asked* her*! Are you kidding me? And what if she wanted to be able to turn him down without my even knowing that he asked? She might not think it was something she wanted to share with me, and I think better of him if he thought that far ahead.

As for my blessing, they ought to get it without having to ask. If I thought the marriage was a bad idea, I hope I would have the grace to refrain from appending: “…because wow and good grief, you’re gonna need it.” :rolleyes:

Seriously, though, of course you give congratulations and blessings when two people who are free to marry choose each other and then give you their happy news, if you want to be counted in their trusted circle of those who trust them to make decisions on their own behalf. You’d only express misgivings if you were given the message in such a way that the person telling you were expressing them first. (Then you have to ask if they’re really OK with their decision, because sometimes people don’t know how to say that they’re not happy when they are “supposed to be” happy.)
 
justineAnne said:
My father told me that if a guy ever asks him for my hand in marriage, he would automatically say no. 1) because he doesn’t want to give up his little girl 2) no one is good enough for me and 3) going to my dad would suggest that he doesn’t respect me in my own right or that I am an object to obtain from him. Number 3 is the only serious reason, the other ones are just silly! But yeah, it is a nice gesture I guess but when the time comes for me to get engaged, my father and I don’t want it done. We are pretty traditional in most regards, but not this.
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If the question were in the form of, “I’d like your honest (name removed by moderator)ut concerning whether you think this is a good idea, and I promise I will keep your answer confidential, if you like,” then it would be OK. That isn’t asking permission. That is giving permission to give an opinion to consider. Very different.
 
EnglishTeacher said:
No, this is not my position. They are adults and are free to do as they wish. I do think it is a gesture that shows respect and good-will to parents, however.
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That is exactly what my answer would be. If you have the least bit of respect and love for your parents, you would tell them of your plans and want their blessing.
 
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