Would you be upset if your adult child got engaged without talking to you first?

[EasterJoy]

It is definitely different than asking permission, although I don’t think we would officially get engaged until he talked to my dad. I do need to talk to my boyfriend about what he plans to say to him, though; you are right.

They don’t golf, but maybe I can think of something else that they could both do, like ice fishing possibly. Not a whole lot of other options around here this time of year .

Just as I wouldn’t tell him he needs to ask my dad, I would also not imply that he can’t figure out how to talk to my dad by himself. I would instead offer to be a sounding board, in case he is concerned about running into landmines of cultural difference. If he feels comfortable going it alone, let him go for it. This is a venture that your boyfriend needs to be fully in charge of.

(So much of harmony in family life comes from support that is not controlling and *never *says, “I told you so. You should have done what I said, instead of trusting your own sense of things,” but instead says, “What one of us decides, we both live with together, and we don’t waste time on what-ifs.” It is hard to give without those strings attached, but it is a great gift.)

 

[AnnArbor]

Huh?

I thought that’s what this thread was about. Approaching the parents before proposing, either for “permission” or a blessing. What is the point of asking the parents if you’ve already proposed and she said yes?

I think that is the point. I have an adult daughter who is in a serious relationship. She and I are quite close. I would be very concerned if her boyfriend approached either me or DH for any conversation about marriage before having proposed to her first. Rather than showing respect for the parents, it shows a lack of respect for the young woman as an adult.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I realize the answers are probably going to vary quite a bit on this question, but I am interested to hear different perspectives.

As a parent, would you be hurt or offended if your (adult) daughter’s boyfriend proposed without talking to you first and asking for your blessing? Would the answer change if it was your son who proposed to his girlfriend without talking to you first and asking for your blessing? If so, why?

Yes, I would be hurt and offended. Would I throw a huge fit? No. But my children would know that I was disappointed.

The answer would not change if it were my son. I have/will continue to have a extremely close relationship with my kids. I am sure they will discuss “The One” with me before I get the invitation to the wedding…

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, I would be hurt and offended. Would I throw a huge fit? No. But my children would know that I was disappointed.

The answer would not change if it were my son. I have/will continue to have a extremely close relationship with my kids. I am sure they will discuss “The One” with me before I get the invitation to the wedding…

Let’s clarify, because you are talking about having earned a position of trust and intimacy and being put off if your child does not trust you enough to ask your thoughts on this most important of all decisions. Fair enough–if we feel close, we might understandably feel hurt when there is a perceived rift in that closeness.

We’re not talking about your child talking about life decisions with you, although to be blunt it is a privilege to have an adult come to you with these things, and not a right, even when the adult is your son or daughter. Trust is earned, yes, but IMO it is a mistake to start thinking that a position of trust and respect entitles you to have a say with those who have come to trust and respect you you. After all, surely they respect and trust you because they have come to know that you will allow them whatever level of autonomy they choose to have. Parents who think they have a right to have a say-so have this way of eventually earning their way out of the decision-making loop.

No, we are talking about whether you have a right to expect your future son-in-law, someone whose trust you may or may not have earned, to ask you whether or not he has your permission to ask your daughter to marry him. Do you really think you have a right to expect that? You absolutely do not.

Your blessings and approval are yours to give or not give, but your adult children have the entire authority to decide who they will or will not marry and who they will or will not work for and where they they will or will not live, and no one else has any right to be consulted. If that doesn’t meet with their parents’ approval, then their parents’ approval is something they will have to learn to live without.

Still, I think you are only saying that you would be hurt if your adult child didn’t trust you enough to talk this over with you. Fair enough. That is a suggestion that the OP talk to her parents about her decision, not a suggestion that her future fiance do so.

Having said that, sometimes it is wise to give in to our parents’ expectations, even when they don’t have any right to expect what they are expecting, provided there is no real loss in adult autonomy by doing so. There is such a thing as dead right, LOL. Seriously, though, it is a good habit to look for these little gracious gestures, when no harm is done to the marriage in terms of setting up an inappropriate sense of control in the parents. Consider it payment for all those future times when your parents will be biting their tongues to bleeding.

 

[Rau]

(If you wonder why he has only met them once, it is basically because my family [Baptist] has never been happy about my becoming a Catholic. This extends to them being upset about my potentially marrying a Catholic, because it would mean a Catholic wedding and raising the children Catholic. Up until now, they have basically avoided the subject of my boyfriend and haven’t really asked about him or invited him to dinner. However, we are definitely to a point where the subject can’t be avoided anymore, and I would like them to get to know each other, rather than just bring him home one day as my fiancé, which I would not wish to do to my parents.)

The obligations in so far as Catholic wedding and raising children Catholic were set when you became Catholic - your boyfriend’s status does not really change that, but I suppose from your parent’s perspective, the matter becomes even more avoidable with s Cathilic fiancé.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Let’s clarify, because you are talking about having earned a position of trust and intimacy and being put off if your child does not trust you enough to ask your thoughts on this most important of all decisions. Fair enough–if we feel close, we might understandably feel hurt when there is a perceived rift in that closeness.

We’re not talking about your child talking about life decisions with you, although to be blunt it is a privilege to have an adult come to you with these things, and not a right, even when the adult is your son or daughter. Trust is earned, yes, but IMO it is a mistake to start thinking that a position of trust and respect entitles you to have a say with those who have come to trust and respect you you. After all, surely they respect and trust you because they have come to know that you will allow them whatever level of autonomy they choose to have. Parents who think they have a right to have a say-so have this way of eventually earning their way out of the decision-making loop.

No, we are talking about whether you have a right to expect your future son-in-law, someone whose trust you may or may not have earned, to ask you whether or not he has your permission to ask your daughter to marry him. Do you really think you have a right to expect that? You absolutely do not.

Your blessings and approval are yours to give or not give, but your adult children have the entire authority to decide who they will or will not marry and who they will or will not work for and where they they will or will not live, and no one else has any right to be consulted. If that doesn’t meet with their parents’ approval, then their parents’ approval is something they will have to learn to live without.

Still, I think you are only saying that you would be hurt if your adult child didn’t trust you enough to talk this over with you. Fair enough. That is a suggestion that the OP talk to her parents about her decision, not a suggestion that her future fiance do so.

Having said that, sometimes it is wise to give in to our parents’ expectations, even when they don’t have any right to expect what they are expecting, provided there is no real loss in adult autonomy by doing so. There is such a thing as dead right, LOL. Seriously, though, it is a good habit to look for these little gracious gestures, when no harm is done to the marriage in terms of setting up an inappropriate sense of control in the parents. Consider it payment for all those future times when your parents will be biting their tongues to bleeding.

Yes, my kids don’t HAVE to do anything as adult with my (name removed by moderator)ut. But I would view it as a failure of our relationship if they did not involve me in their lives. Honestly I have nothing to give me concern with this currently and I know I will be picking out dresses with my princesses at some future date…

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Just as I wouldn’t tell him he needs to ask my dad, I would also not imply that he can’t figure out how to talk to my dad by himself. I would instead offer to be a sounding board, in case he is concerned about running into landmines of cultural difference. If he feels comfortable going it alone, let him go for it. This is a venture that your boyfriend needs to be fully in charge of.

(So much of harmony in family life comes from support that is not controlling and *never *says, “I told you so. You should have done what I said, instead of trusting your own sense of things,” but instead says, “What one of us decides, we both live with together, and we don’t waste time on what-ifs.” It is hard to give without those strings attached, but it is a great gift.)

Good reminder, especially the bolded.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

The obligations in so far as Catholic wedding and raising children Catholic were set when you became Catholic - your boyfriend’s status does not really change that, but I suppose from your parents’ perspective, the matter becomes even more unavoidable with a Catholic fiancé.

Exactly. I think from their perspective, they see this as setting the matter in stone, although of course from my perspective, it already has been set a long time ago.

 

[pensmama87]

I do think there is a difference between “asking parents before asking girlfriend” when the couple is upfront about the fact that their relationship is heading toward marriage, and it’s more a matter of when an official proposal would happen; and a boyfriend asking a dad/parents before the subject of marriage is ever broached between boyfriend and girlfriend. The latter would seem offensive to me (treating woman like a minor), but the former does not - declaring one’s intention to the bride’s parents, knowing that the couple is in agreement that they plan on getting married.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

But, is there something he could say that will relieve their fears?

Not sure; still thinking about this one. We will let them know that our first priority with any children that we may have will be to make sure that they are raised to know and love Jesus Christ, even though the Catholic way may look a little different from the way my parents are used to seeing. Easter Joy’s suggestion of reassuring them that we will be teaching our future children the Bible, was a good one. Hopefully that will give them some peace of mind.

If they say “no”, what would be his recourse?

Well, we wouldn’t be asking for permission, per se, but it would nevertheless be awkward if they withhold their approval. We will see how that goes.

I think, if you were teenagers, then asking for parents’ blessing (approval) is wise. But if you are into your twenties - and fully adult - I don’t think it is necessary (and some would even think it is insulting)

Right, we are both adults. I definitely respect both perspectives on this question, but knowing my parents, I think they would really appreciate it and think more highly of a future son-in-law if he talked to my dad first. Yes, it is old-fashioned, but it does show respect for them, and I want to honor them as much as possible. If my parents had a different perspective on this, I would not feel it necessary, but I think that it is a nice gesture that will help their future relationship with my boyfriend.

But if it is just that you would like your parents and boyfriend to know each other better before you spring the engagement on them, then that would likely be a good idea.

Yes, this is the most important reason why I want them to meet.

You say that you’ve been dating for over a year. Do your parents know that you have dated for over a year? How long have you dated before you told your parents about him? How old are you?

They know. We weren’t dating too long before they knew about it, maybe a month or so. We are both in our thirties (earlier end).

I take it that you live away from your parents’ home. How long have you lived on your own? How far away do you live from them?

Yep. I have lived on my own for over ten years, although I did live with them briefly for several months when I returned to this area, but that was over four years ago. They live about half an hour away.

At some point you are an adult and will make your own decisions. So, you have to be fully prepared for your course of action should your parents decide to withhold their approval.

Yes, I have been for some time, and I have been thinking about how to handle it if they get very upset about a Catholic wedding and marriage. I have always been very close with my family, so the thought of there being any kind of a rift over this is nervewracking. But I will hope and pray for the best.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

I do think there is a difference between “asking parents before asking girlfriend” when the couple is upfront about the fact that their relationship is heading toward marriage, and it’s more a matter of when an official proposal would happen; and a boyfriend asking a dad/parents before the subject of marriage is ever broached between boyfriend and girlfriend. The latter would seem offensive to me (treating woman like a minor), but the former does not - declaring one’s intention to the bride’s parents, knowing that the couple is in agreement that they plan on getting married.

Exactly.

 

[Xantippe]

We’re not talking about your child talking about life decisions with you, although to be blunt it is a privilege to have an adult come to you with these things, and not a right, even when the adult is your son or daughter. Trust is earned, yes, but IMO it is a mistake to start thinking that a position of trust and respect entitles you to have a say with those who have come to trust and respect you you. After all, surely they respect and trust you because they have come to know that you will allow them whatever level of autonomy they choose to have. Parents who think they have a right to have a say-so have this way of eventually earning their way out of the decision-making loop.

Yes.

No, we are talking about whether you have a right to expect your future son-in-law, someone whose trust you may or may not have earned, to ask you whether or not he has your permission to ask your daughter to marry him. Do you really think you have a right to expect that? You absolutely do not.

Right.

Still, I think you are only saying that you would be hurt if your adult child didn’t trust you enough to talk this over with you.

**
Yes.

Sometimes there are very obvious and defensible reasons why a couple doesn’t give a set of parents early warning–it may be that one or both parents is sure to flip out, and there’s no point in talking to them about a match until it’s a sure thing.

There’s a certain type of parent that I’ve encountered that has heart trouble whenever their adult child does something they don’t like. That type of parent is probably not going to get early warning of anything.
**

Having said that, sometimes it is wise to give in to our parents’ expectations, even when they don’t have any right to expect what they are expecting, provided there is no real loss in adult autonomy by doing so. There is such a thing as dead right, LOL. Seriously, though, it is a good habit to look for these little gracious gestures, when no harm is done to the marriage in terms of setting up an inappropriate sense of control in the parents. Consider it payment for all those future times when your parents will be biting their tongues to bleeding.

Yes.

A young adult may not figure that out until middle age when it’s no longer relevant.

But even so, we can still learn to practice the golden rule to our prospective sons or daughters-in-law and think about how we would like to have been treated by our prospective parents-in-law.

 

[justineAnne]

If the question were in the form of, “I’d like your honest (name removed by moderator)ut concerning whether you think this is a good idea, and I promise I will keep your answer confidential, if you like,” then it would be OK. That isn’t asking permission. That is giving permission to give an opinion to consider. Very different.

No it wouldn’t be okay then. If the honest (name removed by moderator)ut is that it’s not a good idea, the guy will either be too afraid to ask for the girls hand knowing that her parents don’t support it, or the guy will show that he doesn’t respect/care about the opinion and was going to propose regardless. Unless the answer is a definite yes (and asking for the blessing is only being done for tradition), there is no good in asking.

 

[Xantippe]

No it wouldn’t be okay then. If the honest (name removed by moderator)ut is that it’s not a good idea, the guy will either be too afraid to ask for the girls hand knowing that her parents don’t support it, or the guy will show that he doesn’t respect/care about the opinion and was going to propose regardless. Unless the answer is a definite yes (and asking for the blessing is only being done for tradition), there is no good in asking.

Yes.

 

[EasterJoy]

No it wouldn’t be okay then. If the honest (name removed by moderator)ut is that it’s not a good idea, the guy will either be too afraid to ask for the girls hand knowing that her parents don’t support it, or the guy will show that he doesn’t respect/care about the opinion and was going to propose regardless. Unless the answer is a definite yes (and asking for the blessing is only being done for tradition), there is no good in asking.

I appreciate that there are people who think it is an insult to ask their opinion and then not do what they think you ought to do. That is not someone you’d have this kind of a talk with, you are very right about that.

On the other hand, there are parents who can respond more along the lines of, “OK, since you asked me to be blunt, I’ll tell you. I think this marriage is a bad idea, because of ____________,” but who would at least feel better to know that the couple has taken this concern into account. If the young people are grown up enough to face the questions head-on, then the parents can hope that maybe they’re more mature than it first appeared.

I know people who say their parents were against their marriage at the beginning, but who could admit it when they were proven to have been over-cautious. Even the couples would say that the concerns were reasonable–they were marrying far too soon, they were marrying with no clear idea how they were going to support themselves, they had a lot of growing up to do, and so on. All true, all reasonable objections, but thank goodness they rose above…"…and now we’re all relieved that it worked out fine, even Dad."

It depends very much on who your parents are.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, my kids don’t HAVE to do anything as adult with my (name removed by moderator)ut. But I would view it as a failure of our relationship if they did not involve me in their lives. Honestly I have nothing to give me concern with this currently and I know I will be picking out dresses with my princesses at some future date…

That is quite a bit different than the “I’m her father, and I’d feel insulted if you asked her to marry without asking me first.”

 

[Xantippe]

I appreciate that there are people who think it is an insult to ask their opinion and then not do what they think you ought to do. That is not someone you’d have this kind of a talk with, you are very right about that.

On the other hand, there are parents who can respond more along the lines of, “OK, since you asked me to be blunt, I’ll tell you. I think this marriage is a bad idea, because of ____________,” but who would at least feel better to know that the couple has taken this concern into account. If the young people are grown up enough to face the questions head-on, then the parents can hope that maybe they’re more mature than it first appeared.

I know people who say their parents were against their marriage at the beginning, but who could admit it when they were proven to have been over-cautious. Even the couples would say that the concerns were reasonable–they were marrying far too soon, they were marrying with no clear idea how they were going to support themselves, they had a lot of growing up to do, and so on. All true, all reasonable objections, but thank goodness they rose above…"…and now we’re all relieved that it worked out fine, even Dad."

It depends very much on who your parents are.

Maybe the correct verbiage is something like, “I want you to know that I’m very serious about Bernadette Lourdes and we’re discerning marriage.”

(Among our parents, there was one set who believed that a two year engagement ought to be the minimum, as that is allegedly how things are traditionally done in the old country. Mmmmm-hmmm.)

 

[Xantippe]

It’s possible that easy-going parents won’t care if you ask or don’t ask, and hard-to-please parents won’t like it no matter how you ask.

 

[Xantippe]

I also suspect that by the time engagement is in the air, it’s probably too late to offer much (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[EasterJoy]

Maybe the correct verbiage is something like, “I want you to know that I’m very serious about Bernadette Lourdes and we’re discerning marriage.”

(Among our parents, there was one set who believed that a two year engagement ought to be the minimum, as that is allegedly how things are traditionally done in the old country. Mmmmm-hmmm.)

I have found that when people say “this is how things are done where I come from,” the people who live where they come from are not always in universal agreement about that. A lot of the ones who left also cite “how things are done” as the reason they left, too!

My in-laws would have thought I had gone insane, if I had asked them before I married their son if I had their permission. Had my husband asked my parents, they would have told him, “Well, if you want an answer, you’d better ask her.” They would not have gone into that mine field for a million bucks. If you have to sleep in the bed, then you get to make it.