Would you charge your kids rent?

[meltzerboy]

Yeah, I’m amazed at the “let’s teach them a lesson” vibe.
**
I rather think that life is hard enough.**
I know well how disappointed my girls were when:
they didn’t make the team
they didn’t go to the prom
they didn’t get voted student body president
they didn’t get a car for their sweet 16
they didn’t go on a Senior trip
they didn’t have perfect skin in high school
they didn’t didn’t get the first job they applied for
their “friend” betrayed their confidence
their teacher was short with them
their best friend stole a boyfriend
their CD player broke
their dog died
the car they share got rear-ended twice
the car they share got dented when a oak limb fell on it
any any NUMBER of things that happen to people just because that’s life!

I am happy that my daughters have a safe, soft place to fall. They’ve never once held anything from me, or decided to stop communicating with me. They’ve always told me the truth.
They are loved beyond measure, and they have lived the hard knock life, particularly when their dad died. It’s enough. I can let them live in my house rent free. I’ll live. They give much more than they take. It was a lovely Mother’s Day at my place.

You’ve obviously raised your daughters well, pianistclare. And you express my exact sentiments. Life is hard enough! That they will learn soon enough, as well as the coping strategies to deal with it.

 

[tafan]

i mean adult children who still live at home

would you let them live at home if they wanted to?

if they did, would you charge them anything? why or why not?

i know there’s no right or wrong answer, just curious of different perspectives. i realize this may also be quite cultural sometimes based on reactions I’ve gotten from other people

I would definitely charge any child rent, barring a situation of major financial distress. I actively discourage any of my kids thinking they can live at home after obtaining a bachelors degree. Actually financial assistance of any type is a bad idea for adult children. Yes, sometimes it is unavoidable, but it should be strongly resisted. Some of my siblings and myself have never received any help from my parents since college days. Other of my siblings have. It always started in the form of small loans. Its about half and half. Now we are all in our late forties and fifties, and my dad often talks about how it was such a mistake helping kids out. Very simple, the siblings who never had any help are financially secure and independent. The others are not. Very consistent. No one holds any grudges about fairness, although it does bother my father that he wasn’t fair.
Now I see the same thing developing when comparing my adult kids and kids of friends. THe exact same thing. Its like watching a slow motion train wreck.

Push them out of the nest, that’s my theory. I love them, they are always welcome to visit. I will be there for them in the event they truly need it. And I will always provide a free moving service for my daughters.

Read the book “The Millionaire Next Door”, you will learn that there is nothing worse for one’s long term financial health and security than financial assistance from parents.

 

[tafan]

Heck yeah I would.

I was paying $550 a month to rent a room from my Grandmother until I got my own place. And I am a better man for it I think. Heck yes they will be charged rent. And if they do not want to, their stuff will be out the door. And I mean all this with a lot of love. I do not want to see my kids be as irresponsible as I was in my early 20’s. I will help them, even let rent slide a few months if necessary but I WILL NOT let them take advantage and enable irresponsibility.

The OP said there was no right or wrong answer, this post illustrates that statement is not accurate IMO. How could anyone take advantage of their grandmother and NOT pay rent? So why would it be ok with your parents?

 

[kwitz]

I think what’s key is some flexibility. Both of my kids knew they had a year’s free rent from the time they graduated from college and got their first “big kid” job. Both DH and I thought it important for each to know they had a safe landing spot as they were sorting out a lot of big changes. The original thought was that once that year was up, there would be some sort of minimal rent. Had that happened, my plan was to put that rent in a savings account to gift them when they were able to move out. Each graduated, got that first job and moved home. For each of them, by the time the year approached, they were in a serious relationship and it was obvious they would be getting married to that person. Neither ended up paying rent but both contributed what would have been rent money to wedding expenses. It all worked out. Both moved from our house into their married apartment or house.

I’ve shown both of my children the “granny pods” that have made their rounds on Facebook. Hoping one of them jumps at the opportunity to have me and/or DH living in the equivalent of a shed in their backyards at some point

Kris

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I don’t think there is any definite moral dimension to this issue, it strikes me as more of a cultural issue than anything else.

Though I will point out that in many cultures that encourage a woman staying home with the parents until married, the issue of financial independence is irrelevant, because they also believe a woman should never be independent of a male in authority over her, but are perpetual minors who always can and should depend on a man to take care of her financially, whether that be a father or a husband. All she needs to master are the domestic chores a wife and mother is expected to carry out.

And if a woman never marries and her parents die, then she’s expected to throw herself on the mercy of a brother or brother in law. A widow is supposed to depend on her oldest son to help her out. (Hebrew culture also had this kind of tradition and I see this even used by Catholic apologetics to explain why Mary did not have any children other than Jesus; that if she had, Jesus would never have bothered to ask John to take care of her.

However, while the quiverfull or “Christian patriarchy” types. do make this kind of “woman are perpetual minors” view to be a religious ideology, but it’s also the case in many Asian cultures that based this more on purely philosophical and traditional cultural mores, with little religious backing. (Confucious is seen as a philosopher, not a religious guru.)

I personally did pay my parents rent when I lived with them for 1 year after I first graduated college. It was certainly not anything close to market value, but I did not feel comfortable continuing to freeload, since I did have a paying job.

 

[Lorelei12]

After college, I paid rent to my parents for the two years I lived with them until I saved enough to move out. It wasn’t much (maybe $100-200, I can’t remember) and I stayed in my old room, ate their food, used their hot water, electricity, and internet. Looking back, I should have paid them more, even though that is what they asked for. I worked full time, and then part time while in graduate school, and I don’t see any reason why adult children who are working should not contribute to the household expenses. It’s fair and responsible. Hardship, illness, or some other inability to care for oneself would be a different story. But if you are an adult and you can work, you can contribute either financially or by helping with cooking, cleaning, yard work, etc.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

After college, I paid rent to my parents for the two years I lived with them until I saved enough to move out. It wasn’t much (maybe $100-200, I can’t remember) and I stayed in my old room, ate their food, used their hot water, electricity, and internet. Looking back, I should have paid them more, even though that is what they asked for. I worked full time, and then part time while in graduate school, and I don’t see any reason why adult children who are working should not contribute to the household expenses. It’s fair and responsible. Hardship, illness, or some other inability to care for oneself would be a different story. But if you are an adult and you can work, you can contribute either financially or by helping with cooking, cleaning, yard work, etc.

I also recall paying about $200 and per my parents that was officially “food money” not rent. I also paid for my own Internet broadband connection, as at that time, I was the only one using it. (My father did eventually figure out how to use the Internet but I still get many phone calls for IT support from him.)

I doubt those who think it is somehow immoral to charge your kid rent, thinks these kids have the right to just sit around playing video games and living off their parents for the rest of their lives. I get the feeling most parents would expect an adult child to help out around the house in some capacity.

On the other hand, I don’t think it’s somehow immoral NOT to charge rent, or for a child to NOT pay rent if the parents don’t ask for it. Certainly this kind of arrangement can result in a child eventually leaving the nest completely unprepared to live independently. But I think that’s more a question of prudence, not morals.

And as I mentioned before, in many cultures, a woman is NOT expected to ever live independently anyway, often there is an expectation of extended parental support even for men. But the caveat is that the adult children are expected to eventually care for their parents in their old age – most cultures that accept adult children at home, and see it as a travesty for parents to charge them rent, would also see it as an absolute travesty for adult children to place their parents in a nursing home.

 

[pianistclare]

Paying bills doesn’t necessarily equate to adulthood.
Or personhood.
I prefer my kids not even attempt to get into debt until they are REALLY mature.
Only one daughter has a credit card, and she pays it off at each statement. She waiting and saw her friends drowning n debt by their senior year in college. She said NO WAY.
She didn’t get one until it was apparent she needed one for certain things. But she still pays it off immediately.

 

[starlady88]

I would definitely charge any child rent, barring a situation of major financial distress. I actively discourage any of my kids thinking they can live at home after obtaining a bachelors degree. Actually financial assistance of any type is a bad idea for adult children. Yes, sometimes it is unavoidable, but it should be strongly resisted. Some of my siblings and myself have never received any help from my parents since college days. Other of my siblings have. It always started in the form of small loans. Its about half and half. Now we are all in our late forties and fifties, and my dad often talks about how it was such a mistake helping kids out. Very simple, the siblings who never had any help are financially secure and independent. The others are not. Very consistent. No one holds any grudges about fairness, although it does bother my father that he wasn’t fair.
Now I see the same thing developing when comparing my adult kids and kids of friends. THe exact same thing. Its like watching a slow motion train wreck.

Push them out of the nest, that’s my theory. I love them, they are always welcome to visit. I will be there for them in the event they truly need it. And I will always provide a free moving service for my daughters.

Read the book “The Millionaire Next Door”, you will learn that there is nothing worse for one’s long term financial health and security than financial assistance from parents.

Depends on the kid, I think. My parents have been very generous and have helped me pay rent when I was unable to. They have given unsolicited money to help with other expenses as well. I think I’m rather financially responsible, even though I have been the recipient of the generosity of my parents. I never ask them for anything, they always offer, and I don’t think it has negatively affected my views toward finances or responsibility. And I would never expect to live off their kindness…I take great pride in being able to be independent.

On the other hand, I don’t think it’s somehow immoral NOT to charge rent, or for a child to NOT pay rent if the parents don’t ask for it. Certainly this kind of arrangement can result in a child eventually leaving the nest completely unprepared to live independently. But I think that’s more a question of prudence, not morals.

And as I mentioned before, in many cultures, a woman is NOT expected to ever live independently anyway, often there is an expectation of extended parental support even for men. But the caveat is that the adult children are expected to eventually care for their parents in their old age – most cultures that accept adult children at home, and see it as a travesty for parents to charge them rent, would also see it as an absolute travesty for adult children to place their parents in a nursing home.

My fiance is Hispanic and he is like that…he would never place his parents in a nursing home. And he would have no problem with adult children living at home. I don’t think I would mind either, at least for a certain amount of time, and as long as they were clearly making an effort to become independent.

Paying bills doesn’t necessarily equate to adulthood.
Or personhood.
I prefer my kids not even attempt to get into debt until they are REALLY mature.
Only one daughter has a credit card, and she pays it off at each statement. She waiting and saw her friends drowning n debt by their senior year in college. She said NO WAY.
She didn’t get one until it was apparent she needed one for certain things. But she still pays it off immediately.

Just to be clear, I don’t think my mom would ever have acted on her threat to make us pay rent. I knew then (and know now) that my parents would help me in any difficult circumstances that occur.

I was always afraid of credit cards. I was a junior in college when I applied with my dad for a credit card…and that was only because I was going abroad for a semester and I would only use it in emergencies (if I missed a flight or something like that). I have my own card now that I use on occasion, mostly just to continue building credit and showing good credit history.

 

[ToeInTheWater]

My fiance is Hispanic and he is like that…he would never place his parents in a nursing home. And he would have no problem with adult children living at home. I don’t think I would mind either, at least for a certain amount of time, and as long as they were clearly making an effort to become independent.

One caveat I would give to this, is that at least IMO there ARE instances of very disabled and/or demented elderly people, who really are unsafe to remain in a home environment, even with 24/7 trained home health aides. Some demented people also become very agitated and aggressive and endanger others. Insisting on keeping such people at home can result in tragic consequences. I know a lady whose demented mother wound up drowning in a river after wandering away from home.

There are also cases of “sandwich generation” middle aged people just not having the means, not only financially but in terms of time and effort, to care for both their children and their parents. People with special needs children, for example. Or those who are disabled or chronically ill themselves.

So, I would not judge those who do place their parents in nursing homes. Yes, some people who do that are indeed guilty of abandoning their parents, but not all.

I would say the same for people who demand their adult children pay rent or even evict them. There are cases of adult children bringing lovers home to have sex with, or bringing drugs into the home, or worse. Often with younger siblings still living with home who the parents also have a responsibility to. So, I can certainly understand parents who do evict problem children, as well.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

This thread prompted an interesting discussion between my wife and I.
Her on the rent side, me, not so much.

I can count one one hand the times we’ve disagreed about a parenting issue.
I was surprised. Hopefully if that ever happened we could agree!

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

One caveat I would give to this, is that at least IMO there ARE instances of very disabled and/or demented elderly people, who really are unsafe to remain in a home environment, even with 24/7 trained home health aides. Some demented people also become very agitated and aggressive and endanger others. Insisting on keeping such people at home can result in tragic consequences. I know a lady whose demented mother wound up drowning in a river after wandering away from home.

There are also cases of “sandwich generation” middle aged people just not having the means, not only financially but in terms of time and effort, to care for both their children and their parents. People with special needs children, for example. Or those who are disabled or chronically ill themselves.

So, I would not judge those who do place their parents in nursing homes. Yes, some people who do that are indeed guilty of abandoning their parents, but not all.

I would say the same for people who demand their adult children pay rent or even evict them. There are cases of adult children bringing lovers home to have sex with, or bringing drugs into the home, or worse. Often with younger siblings still living with home who the parents also have a responsibility to. So, I can certainly understand parents who do evict problem children, as well.

My mom lives in a nursing home because she has dementia and psychosis. I am not capable of caring for her. There was no way for her to continue living home alone. I wish she were healthy. The nursing staff is all very kind.

 

[EasterJoy]

After college, I paid rent to my parents for the two years I lived with them until I saved enough to move out. It wasn’t much (maybe $100-200, I can’t remember) and I stayed in my old room, ate their food, used their hot water, electricity, and internet. Looking back, I should have paid them more, even though that is what they asked for. I worked full time, and then part time while in graduate school, and I don’t see any reason why adult children who are working should not contribute to the household expenses. It’s fair and responsible. Hardship, illness, or some other inability to care for oneself would be a different story. But if you are an adult and you can work, you can contribute either financially or by helping with cooking, cleaning, yard work, etc.

My parents’ rule was you either had to be going to school full time or else have a full time job (or the equivalent combination of part-time work and part-time school). If you had a full-time job, you needed to be saving most of what you made, as if you were paying rent.

They wouldn’t have required rent from an adult child who wouldn’t do that. They would have said, “Sorry, if you want different rules, get your own place and make your own rules.”

I think that is the bottom line. The parents are entitled to decide what works for their house, their finances, and their relationship with the set of children they have. When you’re a minor, your parents ought to force you to do what will give you good habits and the good choices they can make available when you’re an adult. When you’re an adult, you make your own rules for yourself but your parents are entitled to decide how to run their own home and their own finances.

In the moral realm? They ought to do what seems to them to be the best for your soul. There can be a lot of “tough love” in that. It just depends.

 

[Xantippe]

This thread prompted an interesting discussion between my wife and I.
Her on the rent side, me, not so much.

I can count one one hand the times we’ve disagreed about a parenting issue.
I was surprised. Hopefully if that ever happened we could agree!

I expect you will–you have lots of time to iron it out.

I don’t like the idea of adult kid being able to say, “I pay rent so I get to blah blah blah,” but I suppose that can be headed off with appropriate advance talks.

 

[Xantippe]

My parents’ rule was you either had to be going to school full time or else have a full time job (or the equivalent combination of part-time work and part-time school). If you had a full-time job, you needed to be saving most of what you made, as if you were paying rent.

They wouldn’t have required rent from an adult child who wouldn’t do that. They would have said, “Sorry, if you want different rules, get your own place and make your own rules.”

I think that is the bottom line. The parents are entitled to decide what works for their house, their finances, and their relationship with the set of children they have. When you’re a minor, your parents ought to force you to do what will give you choices when you’re an adult. When you’re an adult, you make your own rules for yourself but they are entitled to decide how to run their own home and their own finances.

I like that a lot.

Living at home is such an amazing opportunity for a young adult in terms of being able to save for the future, and I would not stand by and let my kids blow that.

 

[EasterJoy]

I like that a lot.

Living at home is such an amazing opportunity for a young adult in terms of being able to save for the future, and I would not stand by and let my kids blow that.

They knew a bachelor is going to spend money differently than a married man, for instance, but they would not have coped well with an adult child who was using their house to live like the Prodigal Son. Uh-uh. No rent high enough to cover that. (Again…if you didn’t like their rules, there was always the option of becoming master of your own home.)

 

[bmaj]

i mean adult children who still live at home

would you let them live at home if they wanted to?

if they did, would you charge them anything? why or why not?

i know there’s no right or wrong answer, just curious of different perspectives. i realize this may also be quite cultural sometimes based on reactions I’ve gotten from other people

If they had a job and weren’t going to college or some kind of continued schooling, yes, I would collect rent. The amount doesn’t have to be large, depending on the circumstances, but it can at least cover food, some electricity, etc… I believe it helps teach them responsibility, and that can be a crucial lesson for everyone to learn in life. And when they eventually move out, some or all of the amount given over the time period that they paid rent (if not needed by the parents) could be returned to them either to go toward the cost of a wedding, as a wedding gift, or to use as a down-payment on a house with that explanation given to them. I always felt that was a very wise idea - almost like a savings account for them. I would also insist that they find some kind of a job if they wished to live at home once their schooling was done, even if it were something not in their chosen field, until something better came along.

Lots of interesting opinions in this thread. Our Lord’s blessings to everyone.

 

[signit]

I doubt those who think it is somehow immoral to charge your kid rent, thinks these kids have the right to just sit around playing video games and living off their parents for the rest of their lives. I get the feeling most parents would expect an adult child to help out around the house in some capacity.

Right.

When I mentioned earlier that I was allowed to live rent-free, I always was trying to improve myself in some way; either working/looking for work, going to school, or both.

If I had been playing video games all day, it would have been made clear to me that that isnj’t going to be my life’s work.

 

[stinkcat_14]

My parents always had the policy that if you were going to school, you could live rent free. Also, for temporary situations, rent wasn’t an issue. But my mother once told me that, “if you are making more than me, you better believe you will be paying rent”. My parents never made a lot of money, so it did make sense. I never did hang around to pay rent though.

 

[tafan]

I like that a lot.

Living at home is such an amazing opportunity for a young adult in terms of being able to save for the future, and I would not stand by and let my kids blow that.

Three kids on their upper twenties, none of them allowed to live at home after they got a bachelor’s degree. None of them have any debt besides mortgage on a house, they all have good savings.

Iliving with parents is not an opportunity to save, it turns into an opportunity to let mom do lay laundry, I’ll just work part time for now until I find a job that I want, I’ll look for a full time job tomorrow, what a great video game I bought today with my measly pay check. . That’s the result over 50% of the time.

I have another college graduate in December, not changing a think. He graduates, I cancel his phone.