Would you still pay for your daughter's wedding

Status
Not open for further replies.
J

JohnStrachan

New member
if she and her boyfriend shacked up before they got married? Not only is co-habitation a bad idea if you are interested in preserving a life-long marriage, but it’s contrary to the teaching of the church. It is the sin that keeps on giving as it is a public repudiation of God’s law.

My wife and I have made it perfectly clear to our kids that if they make this choice, they do so without our blessing. And if they visit our house overnight, they sleep in separate rooms. But how punitive should we be? We are considering reducing our contribution to their weddings but does this go too far? Thoughts?
 
Last edited:
Were you always expected to pay? Was that always the understanding?
A lot of couples today pay for their own wedding. Especially as the marriage age is closer (or above depending where you live) 30… my wife and I certainly paid for our own wedding. Didn’t expect anything nor get anything from my father-in-law.
 
Hmmm are they both Catholic? That’s a tough question.
 
Yes. unless they include a photo booth and at the reception or other extra things like that according to your title.
And I expect the grooms parents to pay for rehearsal dinner and honey moon

But of course things go haywire what I want will not matter.

That’s life. The important thing is that she is happy. If she shacks up with someone they must have a good income and if I paid for college well then that’s a conversation.
Same as civil marriage conversation.
 
Last edited:
I would say “heck no, I’m not paying for a civil wedding when you already live together”.
In my opinion they forfeited a fancy wedding once they see started living together.
I personally got a civil courthouse wedding (I wasn’t Catholic then), and frankly, there’s a lot less to pay for!
If you want to give them a gift of some kind, do whatever you want, but I personally would not feel obligated to pay for a wedding in those circumstances.
 
Last edited:
I never heard of the groom’s parent’s paying for the honeymoon. 🤔
 
Last edited:
I’m not married and don’t have kids. However, I can tell you that it has never occurred to me that I’d expect my parents to pay for my wedding if/when the time comes. As for your question, personally, I don’t think I’d allow the circumstances to change my approach to paying for any hypothetical wedding my hypothetical son or daughter may have. I think if I had undertaken to pay, I’d pay whether they cohabited or not and whatever kind of wedding it was going to be. A marriage is a happy occasion and a positive step in life. It should be encouraged and celebrated. People don’t always go about things exactly as we’d like or choose, but I’m a glass half full person. If a cohabiting couple are getting married, good.
Jen95 said:
In my opinion they forfeited a fancy wedding once they see started living together.
Click to expand...
That seems rather harsh and unforgiving.
 
Last edited:
Maybe if they were getting married in the Church. Maybe if they promised to raise their kids Catholic.

Openly flaunting that they live together, and aren’t marrying in the Church? Forget it.
 
Last edited:
Well, the OP is Anglican.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to withhold my generosity from somebody just because they didn’t share my religious beliefs.
Jen95 said:
Openly flaunting that they live together, and aren’t marrying in the Church? Forget it.
Click to expand...
I don’t really think that punishing people for falling short is the best way of being a Christian.
 
Last edited:
In my opinion, once they’re openly living together, it’s like a common law marriage. Like they’re already married and living as husband and wife. So it’s just embarrassing to go through the motions. Have a party, have a housewarming, whatever. Just don’t pretend it’s the same meaning as a wedding.
 
I would likely reduce my financial support for a civil wedding quite drastically. Praying I don’t have to make that decision.
 
Marriage has a definition in civil as well as ecclesiastical law. A civil marriage is still a serious commitment, even when it is not considered valid by the Catholic Church.
 
do_justly_love_mercy said:
Marriage has a definition in civil as well as ecclesiastical law. A civil marriage is still a serious commitment, even when it is not considered valid by the Catholic Church.
Click to expand...
Very true. Still the parents’ choice to pay, not pay, attend, not attend, etc.
 
Honestly, I think all the hype and expense about weddings is very overblown. I’m hoping my kids will just get married during a normal Mass, and we could have dinner, or cake and punch, and call it good.
I say this as someone who has worked in the wedding industry as a musician. Too much stress and importance on just one day.
 
I agree with your sentiment. OTOH, it’s not coincidental that most societies and cultures have a custom of celebrating weddings. It us cause for celebration, the start of a family, the building bloc k of any civil society.
 
Last edited:
Well, I’m not saying that they can’t celebrate. Just that it’s not the same as the old-fashioned type wedding that they’re trying to pass it off as, where the bride’s family pays for certain things, etc.
Modern secular wedding and lifestyle? Okay. Go ahead and pay your own way. Just my thoughts.
 
JohnStrachan said:
if she and her boyfriend shacked up before they got married? Not only is co-habitation a bad idea if you are interested in preserving a life-long marriage, but it’s contrary to the teaching of the church. It is the sin that keeps on giving as it is a public repudiation of God’s law.

My wife and I have made it perfectly clear to our kids that if they make this choice, they do so without our blessing. And if they visit our house overnight, they sleep in separate rooms. But how punitive should we be? We are considering reducing our contribution to their weddings but does this go too far? Thoughts?
Click to expand...
I think if you’ve warned them of your expectations through the normal course of their upbringing, they’ll have already subconsciously factored that into their decisions. My parents let us know well early that they wouldn’t be able to be part of our weddings if we didn’t marry in the Church. We all did of course but I don’t know how they would have loosened the rule if one of us had decided that.

My brother even though married in the Church, didn’t become devout until the later in the childrens lives. Consequently all 3 have chosen a secular way and lived together before they were married. My brother did pay for both girls civil weddings out of recognition of that. But we all pray that eventually grace will bring them home.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top