Would you still pay for your daughter's wedding

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No, but it doesn’t make it any less true. Weddings are supremely important to society, evidence would suggest that is universally understood.
 
I’m not paying for any of my kids weddings anyways. I paid for mine, and the party with $900 of food gifted to us. I paid for the other 10 thousand or however much it was. It was simple but great. My son in law can pay for his own wedding like I did. If they don’t shack up, maybe I’ll pay for the honeymoon.

I would not even help with a dime in your case. But that is just me
 
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twf said:
Were you always expected to pay? Was that always the understanding?
A lot of couples today pay for their own wedding. Especially as the marriage age is closer (or above depending where you live) 30… my wife and I certainly paid for our own wedding. Didn’t expect anything nor get anything from my father-in-law.
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My mother in law made the dress and my bro in law gifted the food and my mother and her husband gifted us the honeymoon trip. I paid for everything else. I would expect the same for any future son in law of mine. A little help is fine. I myself accepted those 3 gifts but I would want him to pay the bulk of it.
 
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Well, I know that is what you did, but usually, if the bride and groom aren’t paying for things themselves, the brides parents pay for the reception.

And why is that? Because it is a celebration of their daughter getting married. The parents hosted a reception for the bride and groom. Old school yes.

And that is why the parents got to decide a lot of things and the grooms parents had little (name removed by moderator)ut.

All of that is changing now. Bride and groom pay, or both sets of parents pay, or brides parents pay if they offer because their guest list is huge. So, it will be up to your kids to decide what they want to do.
 
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JohnStrachan said:
Not only is co-habitation a bad idea if you are interested in preserving a life-long marriage, but it’s contrary to the teaching of the church. It is the sin that keeps on giving as it is a public repudiation of God’s law
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Definitely, but wouldn’t it make sense to be okay with the wedding then? Since their arrangement would no longer be sinful?

If you’re hesitant about the wedding being a civil wedding, then the issue is just that and not the fact that they are living together isn’t it?
 
JohnStrachan said:
But how punitive should we be?
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Look at the big picture. With luck and prayer, your son-in-law will be with you for life. Grand-babies may come along, too, and if things stay congenial, there will be years of Thanksgiving dinners, school plays, and Fourth of July barbecues.

Your wisest move is to play your cards safely. While it may feel painful to see your daughter deviate from how you raised her, ask yourself what role you can play in getting your relationship with this couple off to the best possible start. Then keep them in steadfast prayer.

If you feel uneasy about paying for the wedding, I recommend against withholding funds to make any “political” or religious statements about their beliefs and choices. Doing so won’t change them. Instead, consider redirecting that money toward a generous but practical wedding gift.

Finally, if it’s any consolation, I was a secular agnostic when I got married, much to my parents’ chagrin. We’ve now been married for over 20 years and are raising a Catholic family.
 
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My parents did.

I had lived with my boyfriend for almost two years.

We then got married civilly. We fully expected to pay, but Dad wrote the check. And booked and paid for our wedding night hotel.

Eleven years and one child later, we were married in the Church. And again Mom and Dad paid for the cantor and gave a stipend to the priest. We provided the refreshments at the small gathering after.

We’ve been married 28 years.
 
I would consider the goal. If they are living together, marriage would improve the situation. If your goal is that they correct the behaviour, I would support them doing the right thing.

If you are trying to bring your daughter back in line with the church, I think honey works better than vinegar. Talk with her, not at her.

I can share that I made the same mistake as your daughter when I was young. My father also disapproved but he supported me even though I was not married in the church. Dad died last Good Friday. His last concious act was to pray the Hail Mary and Our Father during annointing of the Sick. We were very close, and I was there. I am back in the church now.

My whole marriage was a big mistake which tnobody could have talked me out of. Dad understood I just wanted to be loved. I am no longer married. I got an anulment years ago after ten years of marriage and after adopting a child, now an adult. There were many good times, many hard times like many miscarriages. My parents were always there for me whether I took their advice or made other decisions.
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My Mom and Dad gave me a beautiful day. He walked me down the aisle. He danced with me. He rode in the limo with me. At the end of our dance, he stopped me to say a few words just to me. I will never forget it. I did everything… absolutely everything… wrong but I meant only to love and be loved. Dad did everything right. When the marriage blew up, Dad was there to support me…no chiding, no rubbing my face in it. I learned because I could go to the best teachers after the worst mistakes.

For what it’s worth, I treasure knowing that. I am now the age Dad was when I got married. My son is running his relationship in ways I don’t approve of. Oh boy. Payback. I hope to win his heart back to the church…his girlfriend’s, too.

I will likely never remarry but I had my dance with my Dad. I had my beautiful dream day with a groom I did love. He did not love me enough to last, but my father filled my heart all my life. He said those words. What if he had not supported the marriage, let a rift grow, let me go to a courthouse, let me feel he no longer had my back, said “I told you so” when I got divorced? I don’t know. I am glad it didn’t happen, even though what he gave was more than I deserved.
 
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I would not pay for any weddings for any children. That way, they can go crazy or stay modest in their expenditures and choose exactly what they want, which seems to be their custom. However, I would give them both a good downpayment on their houses. I think housing can otherwise be too difficult to attain.
 
I don’t understand what one has to do with the other.

Aren’t you glad they are getting married, rather than living together? I would think you would want to support that effort to whatever extent you are able.

My advice regarding parents paying for weddings is always the same, regardless of the situation. If you choose to make a contribution, consider it a gift. In fact, gift the couple a check in whatever amount you want to give in the early days of their wedding planning, and tell them you would like them to put it towards the expense of their wedding. That way, you don’t have to be a part of wedding creep and all that entails. Of course, this method means you accept that you aren’t really entitled to have a say in the wedding plans (other than those in which the couple wants to include you ). I feel pretty strongly that is the way it should be, anyway. If they are old enough to get married, they are old enough to plan their own wedding without parents hovering about and trying to control things.

On the other hand, if you choose not to give a gift, that is up to you.

Don’t ever give a gift with strings attached. If you do that, it will lead to a whole bunch of heartburn (and it isn’t really a gift, afterall).
 
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Wow. A lot of the responses here are really harsh. Or stingy. I am not sure which.

My husband and I gifted my daughter and her fiance with a check when they began planning their wedding. They didn’t do it all exactly as I would have. It was still one of the happiest days of my life. My beautiful daughter marrying a wonderful man. Not perfect. But still a lovely human being (as most human beings are, warts and all).

I would suggest trying to find a way to share in the joy of the happy couple, and support them however you can. I agree with the previous poster who reminded us that there will be holidays and grandchildren, most likely, in the future. You want these things to go well, for them and for you. Don’t be stingy.
 
I would think if you’re against them cohabitating, you’d want to encourage them to get married. I don’t see how telling them you won’t help pay for a wedding is encouraging.

Also, they might not want or need your money for their wedding. When my husband and I got married, we had my mom pay for my dress and his parents pay for flowers. We paid for everything else ourselves and didn’t really need the parental money but the parents wanted to help pay for things so we let them be involved because they wanted to. If they’d taken your attitude, I would have said “keep your money, we don’t want or need it.” The vast majority of couples I know paid for their own weddings, as adults take responsibility for their own bills and budgets. It also allows the couple to have the kind of wedding they want and not what Mom and Dad want.

Edited to add, my husband and I de facto cohabitated for a few years before we were married in the Church. We were married 23 years, it was a good marriage, and we would still be married if he hadn’t passed away. Living together before marriage does not mean the marriage is automatically doomed to failure, any more than not living together before marriage means it will be a success.
 
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Luckily, both my married children who married outside the Church paid for their own weddings. They saved and had small events they could afford. We still gave them presents, while being clear that I, and in son’s case his MIL, were not happy that they had chosen to do this. Son & DIL claim to be atheists; daughter said she would have had to lie to have a Catholic wedding and she wouldn’t do that.
 
I’ve heard of the groom paying for that. Maybe very young grooms get help from their family.
 
Personally, I would pay. I think it’s more in line Catholic/Christian to offer grace and love than to appear stingy or unloving
 
I can appreciate the traditional values you taught your children about marriage and cohabitation. I think in helping pay for a wedding you are helping lead them out of sin. Perhaps they don’t need or expect help. Has there been a conversation? I would just make sure you and your wife are on the same page and have a conversation with your daughter. When my husband and I were getting married, I asked my dad for money for a dress; however I went shopping and found a beautiful one at a thrift store for 40 bucks. My mom was with me so she bought it and my dad paid like 100 for alterations. No biggie. We didn’t ask for anything else. My moms friends helped cater, another one made a cake, we were our own dj and only played a few songs. It was intimate small and beautiful <3 <3 <3
 
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