You might be in a redneck church if

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…the snakes the congregation handles all have pet names.
 
John_Lazarus said:
…it’s a double-wide.

…the holy water stoup has a sign on it: “Not a spit cup!”

…they seem to think “woodland camo” and “blaze orange” count as liturgical colours.

…the candles are all citronella.

…the bishop’s zucchetto has a bill on it.

…the church loudspeakers came out of a '76 Ford truck.

…during the Canon, the altar boy shakes his truck keys.

…the priest makes a chasuble by cutting the sleeves off an alb.

…the bishop’s mitre has sponsor patches.

…the name of the church is spray-painted on.

…the collection plate is a hubcap. From a Datsun. Which is why no one has stolen it yet.

…the priest’s stole doubles as suspenders.

…the little old ladies in the congregation have hairdos taller than the bishop’s mitre. And a nicer blue.

…the confessionals have screen doors on them.

…they will accept coupons in the collection plate.

…instead of incense, they put mosquito coils in the thurible.

…the numbers on the hymn board are cut from old license plates.

…the confessional grill is actually a truck door and the priest rolls down the window to hear confession.

…“dressing up for church” means black rubbers instead of green, and a clean ball cap.

…Two words: Ecclesiatic tattoos. “Wayne, roll up your sleeves, gramma wants to do the stations.”
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This one is hard to beat!😃
 
Am I the only one who thinks this is a horrible thread? What if I was to start a “You might be in an <insert_perjorative> suburban church if…” thread?

…Mass was cancelled because the priest’s Corvette was in the shop.

…catechesis on how to receive communion includes the admonition to consider receiving in the hand if you have not had teeth whitening in the past three months.

…the bishop’s mitre is a $900 golf club.

Yeah, I could make all kinds of asinine jokes about organic, free-range, celebrity-chef prepared hosts and sending the chalice back to ask for a pino grigio instead. 🤷

-Tim-
 
Your parish hands out blessed St. Hubert medals at the beginning of hunting season
 
The Sanctus bells sound like duck calls.

The choir loft doubles as a duck blind.
 
John_Lazarus said:
Don’t sweat it. It’s actually the original pronunciation. IIRC, only English has a silent ‘p’, every other language – including the original Greek – pronounces the ‘p’.

On the other hand, if you are mispronouncing it as “P’salm P’sunday…” 😃
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:rotfl:
 
TimothyH said:
Am I the only one who thinks this is a horrible thread? What if I was to start a “You might be in an <insert_perjorative> suburban church if…” thread?

…Mass was cancelled because the priest’s Corvette was in the shop.

…catechesis on how to receive communion includes the admonition to consider receiving in the hand if you have not had teeth whitening in the past three months.

…the bishop’s mitre is a $900 golf club.

Yeah, I could make all kinds of asinine jokes about organic, free-range, celebrity-chef prepared hosts and sending the chalice back to ask for a pino grigio instead. 🤷

-Tim-
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No, I actually find it quite humorous, and I’m from/live about as far South as you can go! 😃 If you started that thread, it would probably be questioned, especially with what you have already posted. This thread is a simple way to state things you might see, or that might occur, or that you have seen, in a redneck church. I’m sure all churches down here aren’t like that, in fact, I know all churches aren’t. The point is is that this is supposed to be a lighthearted, joke infested thread, alright? If you don’t want to post here, or read this, there is nothing that says you have to. In conclusion, lighten up and have some fun, friend! 😛
 
Funny thread. Creative people. (and of course the few that have witnessed some of these).

I love the beer crack before the homily.
 
At a wedding the Pastor says, “I now pronounce you hunter and wife.”
 
TimothyH said:
Am I the only one who thinks this is a horrible thread? What if I was to start a “You might be in an <insert_perjorative> suburban church if…” thread?

…Mass was cancelled because the priest’s Corvette was in the shop.

…catechesis on how to receive communion includes the admonition to consider receiving in the hand if you have not had teeth whitening in the past three months.

…the bishop’s mitre is a $900 golf club.

Yeah, I could make all kinds of asinine jokes about organic, free-range, celebrity-chef prepared hosts and sending the chalice back to ask for a pino grigio instead. 🤷

-Tim-
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The tooth-whitening thing was pretty good. 😃

…Anointing of the Sick is extended to ladies who broke a nail.
 
…if the choir is accompanied by a banjo and a fiddle.(actually in one of the parishes I attend, the hammer dulcimer is played)

…if you have to wipe the manure specks off the kneelers before kneeling.

—if nobody else in the parish wipes the manure specks off the kneelers before kneeling.

…if the beginning prayers are drowned out by the glass pack mufflers on late-arriving parishioners’ pickups.

…if more than one woman in your pew is wearing a rodeo belt buckle.

…if the teenage girl in front of you is wearing a sweatshirt that says “Ozarks Region Club Wrestling…FIGHT LIKE A GIRL!” and has a long row of safety pins attached to it.*

…if the pews are scarred by the buck knife chains.

*See, every time one wrestler pins another at a meet, he/she gets to put a safety pin on his/her jacket or shirt.

…if, during the Kyrie, the congregation says “thoo mah mos’ grevEEus fault”.
 
TimothyH said:
Am I the only one who thinks this is a horrible thread? What if I was to start a “You might be in an <insert_perjorative> suburban church if…” thread?

…Mass was cancelled because the priest’s Corvette was in the shop.

…catechesis on how to receive communion includes the admonition to consider receiving in the hand if you have not had teeth whitening in the past three months.

…the bishop’s mitre is a $900 golf club.

Yeah, I could make all kinds of asinine jokes about organic, free-range, celebrity-chef prepared hosts and sending the chalice back to ask for a pino grigio instead. 🤷

-Tim-
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I think so. I think its cute and just showing the lighter side of all of us. God gave us laughter and its a good thing.

Sometimes you need a break and good laugh all in good fun.
 
TimothyH said:
Am I the only one who thinks this is a horrible thread? What if I was to start a “You might be in an <insert_perjorative> suburban church if…” thread?
Yeah, I could make all kinds of asinine jokes about organic, free-range, celebrity-chef prepared hosts and sending the chalice back to ask for a pino grigio instead. 🤷
Click to expand...
Hey, good idea. Basically any blonde joke can be recycled this way!
  • Dispensation is given for those who miss mass because they didn’t know how to get into their car when the remote fob battery died.
  • Carbon footprint appears on examinations of conscience.
  • The church lawn and underlying soil is incapable of supporting ANY sort of organic life forms except turf grass.
  • They paint the parking lot black every year, whether it needs it or not!
  • There is more live plant life inside around the altar than on the rest of the church grounds combined.
You could almost do as many.
 
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