Young daughter wants to marry a Muslim!

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James147

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My daughter who isn’t even yet 19 has informed me she is engaged to a man she met at work. This is upsetting for many different reasons. I’m upset that their whole relationship seems to have been kept from me and I feel very disrespected he didn’t meet with me, much less ask for her hand or my blessing. I personally feel she is too young but the fact that he is 29is ridiculous. They are in such different stages of life. And worst of all he is a Muslim! She has always been such a good girl with a strong faith, I honestly don’t know what is going on in her head!

I’m trying to stay calm but I’m furious. It’s been suggested I kick her out of our home but I believe that would push her right into his arms. I’ve considered withholding payment for her education unless she waits until after graduation to marry, maybe she’ll get her senses back. But that may backfire, I’d hate for her to feel stuck in a situation where she may be financially reliant on this man. This is still all very new and fresh. I just dont know what to do.
 
What does she know about this man? Where is he from? We had a Muslim young lady friend once who was going to marry a Muslim guy from Lebanon. Fortunately she knew to look into his background and found he had been married before and had a child he didn’t even mention to her. She told us to tell American girls never to marry a Muslim guy here without knowing his background because if they were over 20 or so, they would probably already be married and maybe have more than one wife already back home. They count on the naivete and romanticism of American girls and young women. If she were to go to an Islamic country, she might find that she couldn’t leave without his permission. She should ask some serious questions, and I hope she will. These are things she should know about anyone she marries anyway.
 
Assuming the OP’s post is real, what made you think the man was from a foreign country?
 
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James147 said:
I’ve considered withholding payment for her education unless she waits until after graduation to marry, maybe she’ll get her senses back. But that may backfire, I’d hate for her to feel stuck in a situation where she may be financially reliant on this man.
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In fact, I am not sure that this tactic will have any efficacity.
Many muslin married women stay at home, and don’t work. So, is your daughter is motivated enough to go to college, even as a married woman who can have children quickly? What is his fiancé wishes toward this?

Going to be married at such a young age for the woman is somewhat cultural: as cohabitation is not the norm in muslin observant (contrary to western) marriage take place quickly. And may be dissolve too.

Is this man has the same nationality? Or can it be a motive for the wedding?
Is he born in the same country?

Try to understand the situation. But stay strong on your opposition. But I will not kicked her out of the house, as it will led her in his arm, as you say.
 
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She’s a legal adult. If she wants to marry that is her decision, not yours.

For now all you can do is pray for her.
 
James147 said:
And worst of all he is a Muslim!
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There are worse possibilities out there.

I know this is a shock, but you need to step back, take some deep breaths, and talk to your daughter about this man. Threatening to throw her out, or threatening her education, would be almost sure to guarantee not only that this marriage happens, but that you will have no relationship with her in the future.Today’s

Have you even met him?
 
What is your question? You are a father who has been so for at least 19 years. I am going to assume you are at least 40.

First thing is to calm down. Be a father, meet this man, get to know him. Find out about him.
 
The only thing you can do is advise her. She is too young. She hasn’t finished school yet. He is a lot older than she is. He hasn’t bothered to meet her family and I suspect she hasn’t met his. She is not ready to be married and if he is pressuring her to marry this soon, that’s a huge red flag. I definitely wouldn’t throw her out. I have no idea what purpose that would serve. I’d have some questions for the boyfriend too. If you ever get to meet him.
 
Try to explain the age difference and try to figure out what’s going on. There might be some red flags that she hasn’t noticed that you could point out.
 
She’s an adult, and can do as she pleases.

As an adult, she can and SHOULD provide for herself. That means paying for her own apartment, paying her own way through college, etc.

If she wants all the liberties of adulthood, she needs all the responsibilities thereof, as well.

If she’s serious about her faith life, she should not enter marriage that will not be a sacrament.

The odds of an inter-faith marriage with a decade of difference in age working out is so small it’s hard to even quantify.

Deacon Christopher
 
I understand your frustration.

While I don’t think you need to apologize, because your daughter should not have put you in a situation like this, you need to respect her freedom too.

But I agree that you should be most concerned with meeting him and getting to know him.

Let your first encounters be free of the animosity which has already developed.

You can be honest about your sentiments and stuff with her, and perhaps him too. But treat things delicate also!

You must be the wise father for your daughter!

I believe she has not handled this very well, but that could be because your relationship already isnt as good as you wish it was.

Make your relationship better NOW, on your part first, then she will be more open to your opinion of the man.

I don’t think the age difference is necessarily such a bad thing. And neither is he being Muslim, unless he also has contempt and rejection of Jesus. But that stuff has to be discerned after you get to know him on some good terms first.

I know the terms aren’t ideal already. But too late to change that. Start looking at how you can move this in a positive way for you and your daughter.
 
James147 said:
I feel very disrespected he didn’t meet with me, much less ask for her hand or my blessing.
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First thing, your daughter is a legal adult. The idea of asking for “hand” or “blessing” is not part of Catholic marriage. A woman freely chooses her husband.

Second, you can be kind and loving or you can drive your daughter away. Your choice.

I have Muslim family members, they are all lovely, kind people who have a deep sense of family. I would not trade them for anything! Get to know this man, your daughter chose him, that is reason enough to build a friendship.
 
Is your daughter a practicing Catholic? If so, can someone ask her if there are no available Catholic men to marry that she has to go outside the faith?

Some other things to find out:
  1. How serious is he about his Muslim religion? What is his view of Catholicism? Might he be open to conversion?
  2. Is his family here or overseas? If overseas, will he expect your daughter to move with him once married? I suggest viewing the movie “Not Without My Daughter” - maybe even for family movie night.
On a humorous note, there are often jokes about the traditional making the boy afraid of you by “just happening” to do your periodic gun cleaning or working out on the heavy bag in the basement or garage or having a phone conversation with “Frankie, Nick, and Angelo” regarding someone who owes you money when she brings him over to meet you.
 
There’s also an aspect here of whether the man is a citizen. Is he trying to get a permanent visa by marrying an American? (I don’t know how immigration works.) In other words, is she being used?

Has she accepted Islam? Does she know anything about it, what she is getting herself into?

I would cut off the financial aid immediately.
 
James. The problem isn’t that your daughter is engaged to a Muslim. The problem is that you raised a woman who at 18 has decided to take an unwise step without (name removed by moderator)ut from you. This indicates a failure on your part. Your relationship with her is not as it should be. So throwing a fit now doesn’t do much. It’s our job to raise faithful educated saints. Funding her life should be stopped immediately and not as a punative measure but as one where you two can try to have a more normal father adult daughter relationship.
 
Hoosier-Daddy said:
Funding her life should be stopped immediately and not as a punative measure but as one where you two can try to have a more normal father adult daughter relationship.
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That’s very likely to have exactly the opposite effect. And he really needs to at least meet this guy before deciding to possibly destroy his relationship with his daughter.
 
Hoosier-Daddy said:
decided to take an unwise step
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otrrl said:
Is he trying to get a permanent visa by marrying an American?
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Norseman82 said:
I suggest viewing the movie “Not Without My Daughter” - maybe even for family movie night.
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Honestly, there seems to be a bit of rash judgement going on here. All of this simply because a man is of the Muslim faith?

CCC 841 The Church’s relationship with the Muslims . "The plan of salvation also includes those who acknowledge the Creator, in the first place amongst whom are the Muslims; these profess to hold the faith of Abraham, and together with us they adore the one, merciful God, mankind’s judge on the last day."
 
What relationship? He pays for her school, she does as she pleases. If she feels independent enough to get engaged at 18 to a old Muslim guy then HE can provide for her or she can provide for herself.
 
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