Young single Catholics

[chevalier]

-Has interests outside of me. Bonus if they are either something useful or something I like, too.

Hey, Kamaduck. You didn’t ask but I guess you wouldn’t mind a (helpful) comment from the other side of the field. So. That’s perfectly reasonable but there’s one potential pitfall: it’s very easy to underestimate someone (perhaps not only or not mainly a man) or that person’s intelligence or achievements due to how that person seems to be taken with us. It’s perfectly possible for a small girl to make a big guy lose his tongue or an intellectual communicate in monosyllables. So, don’t judge a guy solely on the interest he shows in you. When it comes to being fast on one’s feet, I’d sooner expect a seasoned rogue than a gallant hero to have the trait. And don’t discount attention or interest when you get a lot of it, there might be a day you’d wish for even a tiny bit! (Sometimes even from the same person, just with some time elapsing.)

(And above all when a guy isn’t all that interested in you, especially when you’re giving him noticeable hints, don’t fall into the trap of thinking or feeling he’s more interesting or more attractive for that. Chances are it really comes down to the fact he isn’t all that interested or doesn’t hold you in that high regard, or women in general. This is a mistake young women sometimes make (a.k.a. the “cold jerk” cliché).)

 

[PHSshamrock]

This is a bit ridiculously long, so I apologize in advance.

Qualities I want in a husband:

1. Catholic- holy, prayerful, loves God, virtuous, etc.
2. Pure- I want a very chaste, holy relationship
3. Gentlemanly- will lead the household (but still at least consult me before big decisions), respectful to women, well mannered, protective (in the sense of protecting and providing for his family)
4. Intelligent- enjoys reading, discussing Theology and philosophy, and is a deep thinker
5. Has a sense of humor.
6. Athletic- will run with me, or at least bike beside me when I run
7. Good with kids/desires a large family
8. Classy- appreciates “old fashioned” things such as writing me letters/ receiving letters from me during courtship, etc. “Romantic”
9. Trusts in God’s providence- is generous and nonmaterialistic, but still wise enough with money to take care of his family
   10.Hard working
10. Doesn’t mind having guests over, talking, being social in general (I’m kinda quiet, but enjoy being around people, so I’d prefer a talkative husband)
11. Prolife!!!
12. Makes time for family
13. Strives to lead family to heaven.

 

[Greg_N]

If she’s a traditional Catholic and is above average in the looks department, I’d put a ring on that.

 

[trinichiqn]

If you will pardon me for being a little vague, it made it to the list due to some things I’ve observed in other people or experienced on my own (still have nightmares sometimes). I’ve also had a long-standing (if somewhat shallow) interest in psychology and sometimes read about things I wouldn’t normally be researching. Additionally, as a criminal law scholar I’m somewhat sensitive to matters of punishment or the way interrogations are handled, and proceedings in general, which makes me dread when I think about teacher justice in the school system but also traditional parental justice (while I’m not only a criminal lawyer by any means, e.g. I’m interested in ADR (alternative dispute resolution, e.g. mediation, negotiating etc.) in civil law too). As a result of all of this, I’ve concluded that while I can understand hot tempers, moods and other related human weakness, and I don’t really talk like a little girl myself, either, so I certainly don’t expect a living person to act like a politically correct robot on tranquilisers, I just don’t want my children exposed to adults losing self-control, taking it out verbally or otherwise, shouting when it’s not warranted, shaming, calling names, using too deep-reaching guilt trips to ensure compliance with expectations, other characteristic features of the traditional approach to children back from when men were still men and one had to walk 10 miles on foot to school. I want my children lifted up, not brought down.

I don’t think shouting or shaming is really so rare among parents and teachers, as are other destructive patterns, as it might appear to you judging by your surprise with that item being on my list. While few people are on the truly extreme side of this problem, I suspect that a near complete absence of all of its characteristics would be rare and unusual in a person or family. It is also that I predict I could be pretty insistent and stern in requiring that those things must stop when I saw or heard them, which could lead to rows and rifts and an impression of my supposedly being controlling. I would be unable to compromise on this and I suppose the other party would feel suffocated by how much she were expected to change in order to function in the marriage or family with me. That causes serious problems for people, perhaps identity crises etc. Not tenable in the long run.

Therefore I pay a lot of attention to dispute resolution patterns. I don’t expect ideal ones (and certainly not the type they sell in self-development trainings), and my own aren’t ideal either, but there are just some points I can’t live with or without. Name calling (not talking about a couple of situational idiots or sons-of-a-gun), disappearing (not for a walk but don’t-know-if-I’ll-be-back), ridiculing, talking spiteful things, quickly jumping to accusations (esp. of lying) are no-nos. Less extreme cases are negotiable as long as the person realises the problem.

:yup: :clapping:

I think it is so much easier and better to teach and train children in an uplifting way than by breaking them down. They respond better and you get actually encourage them to do better instead of instilling fear. Too many parents mistake fear for respect and vice versa. Life won’t be perfect and at times it won’t go our way but if we start off with that sentiment and keep at it it will work out.

 

[Greg_N]

:yup: :clapping:

I think it is so much easier and better to teach and train children in an uplifting way than by breaking them down. They respond better and you get actually encourage them to do better instead of instilling fear. Too many parents mistake fear for respect and vice versa. Life won’t be perfect and at times it won’t go our way but if we start off with that sentiment and keep at it it will work out.

See, I disagree. I was the kind of child who had to be “broke down” (for lack of a better phrase). That being said, my younger siblings exhibited behavior the complete opposite of my own; which leads me to understand this whole “rearing” children thing is completely relative to the child’s behavior. If a child has Asperger’s, you’re obviously going to have to treat him/her differently than you would a child without it.
As long as the parent/s maintain a balance/fairness between how they discipline their children, everything should be in order.

And I know this is a little off topic but:

Change the topic if you want!

 

[trinichiqn]

My list includes prayerful, has a desire for many kids (whether we have many or not for other reasons besides wanting them), respectful, honest, has a servant’s heart, confident (quiet or bold).

 

[oldfashcathgirl]

Change the topic if you want!

Where would you like to go to get to know a person?

A group event, Somewhere quiet just the two of you, dinner with family, mass…

 

[mike2112]

Well I’m only 19 at the moment but my list is very simple.
I would love her to:

#1 - Love God more than she loves me.
- Be obedient more to God’s wishes than mine.
- Talks to God more than she would to me.

#2 - Has all the qualities of Jesus minus His divine power.
- Not be conformed to the kingdom of this world and its ideals.
- To be more spiritual and closer to God than I am.
- Pure and chaste like the Virgin Mary or at least as Chaste as I am.
- Be as Catholic as Pope JPII, Padre Pio, and Mother Theresa Combined.

#3 - Is open to the possibility of bringing to the world 12 children or a huge family.
- She likes to laugh alot and smile too
- Is open to me and correct me if I make mistakes.
- Loves me as I am and to be together despite being in the midst of hardships.
- Beautiful on the inside which reflects on her beauty on the outside.
- Have fun with me in all that we do!

#4 - (Forgot) To be God’s will for Me!
- Plus all that I have forgot to mention.
- Younger than me.

If any woman reading this post has met the following requirements please consult with God as to whether I am the one. If it is a yes, you will have to come back to this post after I have grown into the proper age for marriage. (Estimated waiting time is: 7-8 Years)

 

[chevalier]

:yup: :clapping:

I think it is so much easier and better to teach and train children in an uplifting way than by breaking them down. They respond better and you get actually encourage them to do better instead of instilling fear. Too many parents mistake fear for respect and vice versa. Life won’t be perfect and at times it won’t go our way but if we start off with that sentiment and keep at it it will work out.

Thank you. Well, children need the understanding that they have their own lives, don’t need to fulfil all of their parents’ expectations and hopes to the max in order to be loved. It’s devastating when an A student hears, “oh, why no flying colours?” and, “if you’d studied harder, you’d have won that competition,” stocking to the brim on extracurriculars or asking why aren’t you studying on Saturdays or summer holidays. Parents think they’re driving their children towards the best in that but in reality they’re undercutting their confidence and self-esteem, which has a paralysing effect and actually prevents achievement.

See, I disagree. I was the kind of child who had to be “broke down” (for lack of a better phrase). That being said, my younger siblings exhibited behavior the complete opposite of my own; which leads me to understand this whole “rearing” children thing is completely relative to the child’s behavior. If a child has Asperger’s, you’re obviously going to have to treat him/her differently than you would a child without it.
As long as the parent/s maintain a balance/fairness between how they discipline their children, everything should be in order.

Oh, I think we’ve got a little misunderstanding! Discipline must be there, especially for real transgressions. But fear, breaking down and other stuch excessive sternness shouldn’t be used as a motivational tool, I think. Either that or I’m just too soft.

For the record, some people seem to have a strong need for alpha, beta and other such pack mechanics, they will challenge authority and only submit if the authority has the power to make them listen and the willingness to use that power. I suspect young women are exhibiting a similar pattern in pulling a man’s leg in the early phase of a relationship: treating him badly to see how much he can take or especially if he can bring them in line. The answer to the latter, in my case, being: I could but I don’t want to play that game. With a child or a young employee or student this could be different. I guess we’ve just arrived at another position I could’ve put on the list.

 

[oldfashcathgirl]

Topic change… Wanted people to see it!

Where would you like to go to get to know a person?

A group event, Somewhere quiet just the two of you, dinner with family, mass…

 

[chevalier]

Where would you like to go to get to know a person?

Coffee or a walk or both. Conversations while walking are important to me, preferably a long walk and a long conversation. Has to do with pace and keeping up, and stuff.

I avoid group events. I don’t want to introduce any barely known woman to any group where I could possibly belong. It wouldn’t be a problem if it were somehow necessary or expedient but I don’t see a reason normally. Nor do I wish to sign up with groups just to get to know a single specific person. On the other hand, mingling into a group of strangers wouldn’t perhaps be a bad idea.

 

[joshvanrad]

Intelligent
Has a general goal in life
Strong Catholic values
Enjoys family time

I think that’s pretty simple.

P.S. How young am I supposed to be to comment in this thread?

 

[Doeco]

For the first question…

Well I am currently 21 and this is what I would like to see in a future wife:

Puts her spiritual life and love of God first.
Is open-minded about other religions and points of view but also knows her own faith and positions well.
Strives to be environmentally conscious and connected to the Earth.

As for places to go:
Anywhere where you can talk. Coffeeshops are fun. So are nature walks/hikes.

 

[oldfashcathgirl]

intelligent
has a general goal in life
strong catholic values
enjoys family time

i think that’s pretty simple.

P.s. How young am i supposed to be to comment in this thread?

under 35??..

 

[Kamaduck]

Hey, Kamaduck. You didn’t ask but I guess you wouldn’t mind a (helpful) comment from the other side of the field. So. That’s perfectly reasonable but there’s one potential pitfall: it’s very easy to underestimate someone (perhaps not only or not mainly a man) or that person’s intelligence or achievements due to how that person seems to be taken with us. It’s perfectly possible for a small girl to make a big guy lose his tongue or an intellectual communicate in monosyllables. So, don’t judge a guy solely on the interest he shows in you. When it comes to being fast on one’s feet, I’d sooner expect a seasoned rogue than a gallant hero to have the trait. And don’t discount attention or interest when you get a lot of it, there might be a day you’d wish for even a tiny bit! (Sometimes even from the same person, just with some time elapsing.)

(And above all when a guy isn’t all that interested in you, especially when you’re giving him noticeable hints, don’t fall into the trap of thinking or feeling he’s more interesting or more attractive for that. Chances are it really comes down to the fact he isn’t all that interested or doesn’t hold you in that high regard, or women in general. This is a mistake young women sometimes make (a.k.a. the “cold jerk” cliché).)

Sounds like sound advice to me. I figure if I’m thinking of dating a guy, though, I’ll probably know a bit more about him than how he converses with me, personally. If he has NO other interests outside of dating me, I will take that as a very bad sign. Plus, he probably won’t have much to talk about. You must remember, too- I am still in school, and most of the young men I meet are in my classes. I judge intelligence mainly by classroom activity and other abilities I observe, not by conversational wit (at least not at first).

I can’t actually imagine myself giving noticeable hints, though. Sadly, I believe I give off very intense “not interested” vibes without meaning to, if that makes sense. And when I do actually like someone, I tend to get really nervous and spend as little time as possible with them, lest they figure it out. I do not think my main problem will be chasing boys who have no interest in me.

Thank you for the advice, though, I could probably use a ton. Or an ounce of confidence.

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

For the first question…

Well I am currently 21 and this is what I would like to see in a future wife:

Puts her spiritual life and love of God first.
Is open-minded about other religions and points of view but also knows her own faith and positions well.
Strives to be environmentally conscious and connected to the Earth.

As for places to go:
Anywhere where you can talk. Coffeeshops are fun. So are nature walks/hikes.

I totally agree with this; coffee is a very chill, no pressure scenario. I think it’s a great way to meet someone in a casual setting, especially because restaurants are more formal. (Plus, I’m a vegetarian, so sometimes finding a restaurant with options is tricky.) Nature walks/hikes are also great, but I don’t know if it’s just me personally, but I am more chatty when in a social setting whereas when I’m outside, I basically just want to sit and breathe in nature.

 

[chevalier]

Sounds like sound advice to me. I figure if I’m thinking of dating a guy, though, I’ll probably know a bit more about him than how he converses with me, personally. If he has NO other interests outside of dating me, I will take that as a very bad sign. Plus, he probably won’t have much to talk about. You must remember, too- I am still in school, and most of the young men I meet are in my classes. I judge intelligence mainly by classroom activity and other abilities I observe, not by conversational wit (at least not at first).

Ah, yes, that’s good. You have plenty of room to make good observations!

One more thing, perhaps, which I still remember from being that age, a young man when he’s really taken with you (e.g. a rapid and/or strong feeling rather than slow progress) may be inclined to move just about anything and everything in his agenda to make room for you. This can be obsessive but it can also mean he’s very much into you, or a person brought up somewhat traditionally and big on reverence for women (I guess I was all three).

I can’t actually imagine myself giving noticeable hints, though.

Yeah, it was just a figure. I only meant to say that if you do drop such hints and a guy ignores them, there’s a good chance he’s just not that into you (some young women seem to experience increased due to being ignored or unsuccessful like it that cliché saying that average women are won by effort and beautiful ones by indifference).

Sadly, I believe I give off very intense “not interested” vibes without meaning to, if that makes sense.

Maybe you’re withdrawn, reserved? Or a little bit of shyness or anxiety? I wouldn’t worry about that too much though. In mature company a verbal statement of your attitude to somebody should override guesses from your behaviour.

And when I do actually like someone, I tend to get really nervous and spend as little time as possible with them, lest they figure it out.

Well, there are times one has to keep it to himself. Well, you’ll need to find time if you want to have some conversations but the confidence, I think, will come naturally or through experience, I wouldn’t sweat it.

Thank you for the advice, though, I could probably use a ton. Or an ounce of confidence.

It’s natural to be somewhat lacking in confidence when you’re new to something. You gain some confidence with time or by just doing what you need to do despite not being confident (this confidence despite lack of confidence is probably the best or most useful kind). Self-esteem is sometimes a problem, as in if there are some problems in that regard, there’s going to be a problem with confidence too.

But you’ve got your education to deal with first, so I wouldn’t worry excessively about that. I wish I’d spent less time and focus on girls, not more. I was one of those brilliant kids until I discovered girls disliked that and I encountered some kind of psychic block and deteriorated. Took me years to get back and I never got to the same level I was before the slump. If you don’t see any worthwhile guys and if nobody seems to be competing for your interest, then be happy and make friends with your books, really, really, really, and optimise your grades for future use when you apply for scholarships etc. I didn’t and I wish I had. A couple of hours a day several years ago could’ve saved me a new car’s worth of fees. I didn’t even realise how close I was to a free Ph.D. scholarship (& junior lecturer position) until it was too late. Publishing a bunch of articles and getting the GPA some +0.2 points higher could’ve done the trick. Instead, I was tangled up in conversations in relationships that didn’t last. Which wasn’t exactly a wasted time (I learnt some about life) but I’d still prefer it the other way, in retrospect.

 

[Vim71]

Hmm, things I would like to have in a future wife. . .

• Catholic for sure, my faith is important to me.
• Kind.
• Chaste.
• Inspires me to be a better person.
• Can hold a mildly intelligent conversation with me
• Someone who is a bit Nerdy is defiantly a plus with me, but not a requirement by any means.
• She wouldn’t mind being the breadwinner, and me the house husband

You might laugh at the last point, but I’ve been taking care all household duties since I was 18.

Some men mention looks, but as I have learned over the years to look past that. For instance, the last women I really loved was often put down by others because she was not “slim” enough for their tastes. That did not matter to me, because in my eyes (the only set of eyes that matter ), she was a cute, kind, loving woman.

 

[llenadegracia]

Oh snap, everyone!

The youth of CAF come out to mingle when the term single Catholics is brought up!

…no shame! We all pray for a wonderful spouse!

 

[oldfashcathgirl]

Coffee or a walk or both. Conversations while walking are important to me, preferably a long walk and a long conversation. Has to do with pace and keeping up, and stuff.

I avoid group events. I don’t want to introduce any barely known woman to any group where I could possibly belong. It wouldn’t be a problem if it were somehow necessary or expedient but I don’t see a reason normally. Nor do I wish to sign up with groups just to get to know a single specific person. On the other hand, mingling into a group of strangers wouldn’t perhaps be a bad idea.

I like coffee shops but I also like group events.
I like coffee shops if I have known the person enough in a group setting, most guys I meet have been at a bible study or social event that I usually go to and so I have been watching (sounds creeper but it’s not) them for some time before I approach them in a “romantic” manner. That’s how I weed out the ones who are not within my “list”. No, I don’t just watch people but I listen to their conversations ask questions and get to know them as friends…