Your reaction to your son or daughter

[LeahInancsi]

I’m still a little confused as to the point of the view the OP is trying to represent when he gives counsel. If it is the Catholic church’s view, then Blest One (post #2) stated is quite well. If it’s not the Church’s view, then you can to the wrong place to ask your questions.

Also, I don’t think parents will be seeking you out. By the time a parent has a college age child, they have given this subject much thought and most likely have an idea how they will react.

Lastly, the college years are very difficult for many young people because for the first time they are away from their parents and trying to find their own identity. Except for me, I was brainwashed from the day I was born and lived at home during college.

 

[jssaxon]

Frankly, this question is a bridge a person would cross when they came to it. Most people couldn’t predict how they would react. You would be better off asking people who have already faced it.

Why don’t you post a question such as “How did you deal with your adult child who informed you of his homosexual inclinations and/or lifestyle?”

 

[LeahInancsi]

Frankly, this question is a bridge a person would cross when they came to it. Most people couldn’t predict how they would react. You would be better off asking people who have already faced it.

Why don’t you post a question such as “How did you deal with your adult child who informed you of his homosexual inclinations and/or lifestyle?”

You may have a point about who to ask the questions of. Although I don’t have any children, I try to imagine how I would react if my hypothetical child told me he/she was homosexual. This thought usually comes to mind when when a parent reacts very negatively to the news and disowns the child.

 

[kage_ar]

You sound like a caring young person, I would hope you do not wish to undermine the faith of any person who comes to you for advice.

Here is my suggestion, if some teen/young adult comes to you and says “I am/think I am (insert the sexual attraction here)” - your next question should be “what is your faith or religious affiliation?”.

If they give one, you answer " am not qualified to give you the guidance you need, let me assist you in finding on campus or near by (insert religious affiliation here) who are waiting to assist you." And find that group, offer to go with them, to make calls, etc.

For those who have no religious or faith background of any kind, then the secular humanist options would seem less problematic.

 

[BlestOne]

• Would you be comfortable with your child forming a relationship with someone of the same sex but living chastely? (such as simply affectionate behaviours acted)not sure what you mean by the parts in parenthesis, but as to living chastely… I would still talk to my child about how tough it is to be in a same sex relationship and how I encourage and admire the decision to follow the teachings of the church if he feels he has no interest in the opposite gender.

*If a relationship were not completely chaste but was a monogamous relationship between your son or daughter and a member of the same sex, would that still make you feel uncomfortable? Yes very much… it isn’t about how many partners… it is about sinning and salvation.

Jarryd,
You sound like a nice and caring person, but you aren’t getting that as a parent the biggest responsibility is the spiritual education and welfare of our children. It isn’t a matter of degrees… sinful action is sinful and will cause death of the soul… What parent could say they loved their child and be ok with a non-chaste same sex relationship? It just isn’t possible.

 

[Mirdath]

I’m still a little confused as to the point of the view the OP is trying to represent when he gives counsel. If it is the Catholic church’s view, then Blest One (post #2) stated is quite well. If it’s not the Church’s view, then you can to the wrong place to ask your questions.

The OP’s trying to find out about different viewpoints to be better able to assist students coming to him for advice on what to do, not so much representing one himself. A Catholic family could react very differently from a Southern Baptist family and so on – and that’s not even getting into the kind of torment that someone could be in over his or her sexuality being considered disordered or even inherently sinful by a religion he or she still holds to.

He’s going to have a lot on his plate, and the better he knows how families and students might respond the more he’ll be able to help. I kinda wish I had this kind of moral support, instead of confiding in someone who spilled the beans without a second thought. Fortunately my family was much more accepting than I’d expected (I had moved a thousand miles away from all of them in large part because I was afraid of the possible fallout) – and now that I’m happily married, it’s a bit of a moot point.

Jarryd, you should probably be aware that the sample you’re getting here is mostly of pretty strictly orthodox Catholics. Many, many Catholics aren’t so close to the actual teachings of the Church, especially on this issue.

 

[jmcrae]

One thing I read that put the whole thing into perspective for me, was from a young person who wrote, “I am not heterosexual. Why should I pair up with someone and pretend at dating or marriage, as though I were? No - I am homosexual, and what makes the most sense for me is to stay out of sexual relationships that seem to mock or mimic the heterosexual lifestyle, whether it be a married relationship or a promiscuous lifestyle. For me, it makes more sense to enjoy who I am and to protect my health and sanity by remaining chaste and celibate. What I want is not to be bad at being heterosexual by having imitation-hetero relationships with boys/men instead of girls/women, but to become good at being me. I can still have friends even if I never have sex. Being without sex does not mean that I will be lonely.”

 

[Mograce]

If my son or daughter came home and announced his/she was gay.lesbian,bi or wanted to change their body into the opposite sex…what would I do, think, say?

First, I would hug them and have them sit down. I would tell them how much I love them. I would tell them how beautiful they are and God created them in His Image and likeness.

Then, I would ask about their molestation. Who did it, when did it happen and I would make them share what happened. I would ask why they couldn’t share/report it to me before. I would urge them to seek legal recourse.

EVERY single “homosexual” person I have met and “hung out” with in college and inquired about whether they have been victims of molestation, the answer has been affirmative. Perhaps at first some were really upset at me for asking…but sooner or later they spilled the whole story and their victimization.

My own cousin was dimissed from the seminary. He drank and was flagrantly homosexual as he shared his “conquests” with me when he was 35 yrs old. He lied and said he hadn’t been molested but if he had he would have loved it. His sister told me otherwise. He was twelve and it lasted until his family left the area (and the neighbor who victimized him).

The Gay etc community keeps this secret and makes each of its “members” take it for the team. If they had admitted they have been victimized and traumatized then WE (heteros) may think that they ARE disordered and acting out as a symptom of damage perpetrated. They prefer to have us think they are okay and happy and having fun.

Is there fun in NEVER finding true monogamous Christian love in a God-ordained marriage?
Is there fun in exposing oneself to damaging behaviors?
Is it fun to get herpes, aids, hepatitis…and other bodily damage during this type of “sex”?

Is the fun the reason for the high suicide, alcoholism,drug addiction rates in GLBT?

These people are the walking wounded and need help. I would get my son/daughter that help. If they refused I would still see them, but sans the lovers. I would love and pray for them. And cry a lot.

 

[jmcrae]

If my son or daughter came home and announced his/she was gay.lesbian,bi or wanted to change their body into the opposite sex…what would I do, think, say?

First, I would hug them and have them sit down. I would tell them how much I love them. I would tell them how beautiful they are and God created them in His Image and likeness.

Then, I would ask about their molestation. Who did it, when did it happen and I would make them share what happened. I would ask why they couldn’t share/report it to me before. I would urge them to seek legal recourse.

That’s a good point. I can’t think of anyone I know who is homosexual, who is not also healing from some form of traumatic abuse in their formative years - there is definitely some kind of a connection, there.

 

[Daddums]

(i’m just trying to find the truth in things).

Just to add two questions out of what has comes up.

• Would you be comfortable with your child forming a relationship with someone of the same sex but living chastely? (such as simply affectionate behaviours acted)

*If a relationship were not completely chaste but was a monogamous relationship between your son or daughter and a member of the same sex, would that still make you feel uncomfortable?

If you have come here to find the truth, you have come to the right place. If you believe the issue is whether or not we are comfortable, you have not. Many of us would give up our lives for our children without giving it so much as a thought, but you are asking us for something that is beyond our authority to give. Part of our responsibility as parents is to teach our children right from wrong. We represent moral authority for our children. Abandoning this responsibility as parents is not an act of love towards are children.

For the record, chastity isn’t about abstaining from sex. It’s about the moral use of our sexuality.

Daddums

 

[Corki]

Jarryd;3068442

1. How would you react if your son or daughter told you they were gay? Would you react differently if they told you they were bisexual? Gay - I would let them know that I still loved them very much. I would help him find a good support system such as COURAGE. Bisexual - different story. I don’t believe that such an orientation actually exists absent serious mental problems. I would try to get my child appropriate psychological help for the disorder.

1. How would you react if your son or daughter brought home a same sex partner? “Brought home” is loaded language. If my child, who had identified himself as gay, wanted to bring another gay person to dinner, I would be ok. They would not be welcome to bring a “boyfriend” to a family gathering or holiday celebration nor to stay overnight.

1. What do you think would need to happen for you to be comfortable with a gay son or daughter? As with any disorder, I don’t think I would ever be “comfortable.” I want the best for my children I would always grieve the cross he would be carrying.

1. How would you feel if from the early stages of youth your son or daughter exibited non gender conforming behaviours (boys playing with dolls or girls playing with trucks)? From early stages most kids are pretty eclectic in thier interests. It isn’t a big deal unless the child shows signs of obsession and that is true wheter the interest is “gender conforming” or not.

1. How would you react if your son or daughter told you they were ‘transgendered’ (they felt they were not born into the right gender)? I would offer to pay for genetic testing and if the tests affirmed the “feeling” I would help with appropriate help. Otherwise, I would urge intensive counseling.

1. How would you react if your son or daughter began to change their appearance to that of the opposite gender? As long as they were reacting to postive test results as discussed in #5, I would support them. Otherwise, I would insist on proper appearance when at home or around family members.

1. How would you react if your son or daughter told you that they wished to undergoe sex reassignment surgery? Again, if he was truly physically a male but genetically a female, and had completed appropriate counseling, I think reassignment surgery is often the best choice. Otherwise, I would strongly argue against it and try to influence him to avoid mutilating his body in this way.

1. What do you think would need to happen for you to be comfortable with a transgendered son or daughter?I think I already explained that. I do not have a problem with someone changing their outward appearance to match their genetic make-up but would never be “comfortable” with someone simulating a gender change.

1. For either of these circumstances would you feel comfortable discussing this matter with an outside person? Would it matter whether this person was a ‘professional’ (such as a doctor, psychiatrist or even a preist)? Absolutely, in fact I would seek out professionals to consult. First of course would be my pastor or other priest with experience in moral theology issues but I would also consult counselors and psychologists who understand the mental and moral issues involved. I can’t think of any non-professionals, other than my spouse or someone from Courage, who I would seek (name removed by moderator)ut from. I certainly wouldn’t discuss the matter with anyone affiliated with any GLBT group.

1. Given the reactions you have expressed above what would you say was your greatest influence in hypothetically taking those actions? (was it religious, was it personal experience, was it scientific literature, unknown ect ect)All of the above. I did my college studies in psychology and those studies and the scientific literature I have read are certainly major factors in my views since I believe that gender disorders are primarily psychologically based disorders. My religious background mostly influences the resources I would utilize rather than my actions. My personal experience with individuals with SSA and in the “gay” culture is also important.

continued below.

 

[Corki]

Thanks for taking the time to answer these questions. I have been told i have a habit of making questions that are too precise (and possibly bias) so please feel free to extend beyond what a question is asking or altering the questions so you feel them to be clearer. Ideally this whole thing is just to gauge some general opinion so that i know what some parents will likely be feeling should they come in contact with me. I would find it very unlikely that someone with my perspective would be in contact with someone in your role but if it helps, fine.

I simply think i’ll be called in to give advice to parents who are in conflict between their beliefs and their childs sexuality (if they choose to form relationships with those of the same sex). I’m sorry if it appears as if i’m pushing an agenda but as i stated my questioning has a habit of doing that. Based on this statement, you will likely be dealing only with parents who have a certain level of denial of what is happening with their child and who feel helpless to do anything that might make someone feel uncomfortable. I can’t see how you would have the opportunity to “give advice” to most parents.

Just to add two questions out of what has comes up.

• Would you be comfortable with your child forming a relationship with someone of the same sex but living chastely? (such as simply affectionate behaviours acted) I don’t think such a relationship can exist. I don’t think you are really describing chastity. Physically affectionate behavior between two people with a disordered sexual orientation is still un-chaste. Chastity is more than just avoiding sex. I have no problem with one of my children having same sex friends but that is where the relationship should limit.
  *If a relationship were not completely chaste but was a monogamous relationship between your son or daughter and a member of the same sex, would that still make you feel uncomfortable? No, that would make me feel less comfortable. Someone with a sexual orientation disorder who tries to rationalize it into a “relationship” has even deeper problems than someone who understands that the orientation is disordered but who falls into sin occasionally. The former is much farther away from finding a way to live with his disorder in a healthy manner.

• I realise that those two may be viewed as very subjective (i couldn’t think of a better way of expressing it), basically i wanted to see how you view the same sex relationship itself (without the sexual aspect).

I appreciate the effort. One misrepresentation of Catholic teaching is that the Church condemns homosexuality which is not true at all.

Just out of curiosity, what are your credentials for giving this kind of advice? I would assume that, at minimum, significant training in psychology, social work and counseling would be needed as well as some medical background.

 

[Jarryd]

Then, I would ask about their molestation. Who did it, when did it happen and I would make them share what happened. I would ask why they couldn’t share/report it to me before. I would urge them to seek legal recourse.

I was a little concerned about this response and the one following it. There has been no evidence to connect homosexuality to child sexual abuse in any way shape or form. Your first hand experience may differ but its certainly not of any conclusive proof. One of the ways of explaining your experiences is likely that many victims of child sexual abuse find solace in the church as a means to heal their pain. Should you affiliate mostly with religious individuals this may make it more likely for you to come into contact with a homosexual who was abused (but this is just me making assumptions really). As some reference, i consider myself a gay man and i have never been sexually abused (nor have any of the GLB people i’ve associated with. Certainly you could argue that gay groups avoid releasing any statistics about the amount of GLB people that have been abused however to my knowledge no major psychological or medical group has released any proof of what your saying. I suggest you check out the American Psychological Association’s website www.apa.org as they have several publication released surrounding GLBT individuals. I was just a little shocked by your response as (coming from an Australian perspective) i haven’t heard such claims made by even the most ruthless GLBT critics, and i know that being a Catholic you aren’t meaning harm by it.

I also think that the Catholic Churches use of the word “disorder” is being connected to the psychiatric term ‘mental disorder’ which homosexuality (offically atleast) is not characterised as. I don’t think that is the way Catholic teachers are using the word (from my understanding it is used to mean ‘against the natural order’ eg. non-procreative and sinful). There is some dispute regarding transgendered individuals relationship to mental health, most long term transexuals are classified under Gender Identity Disorder (however its clasification is controversial) .

In answer to Corki’s question, as i stated before i am part of a student association and i am not qualified as any mental health professional. I will mostly be doing referrals for individuals who are seeking help (i’m in the process of collecting a large amount of information), and will be presenting the views of professionals to people who want help (i will not be presenting my views). That is why it is important for students who come to me to be able to understand their parent’s point of view and to be prepared for their response should they ‘come out’ to them.

 

[rayne89]

That’s a good point. I can’t think of anyone I know who is homosexual, who is not also healing from some form of traumatic abuse in their formative years - there is definitely some kind of a connection, there.

This has been my experience as well, and those I’ve known who were gay I didn’t meet in the church but through the work place. One case of abuse was not sexual but severe physical abuse by the mother who singled out this particular child while treating the others well. In this case he had fathered a child in his early 20’s but since that relationship lived the “gay lifestyle”.

The others were sexual abuse. What amazes me is for some reason these people as co-workers, not close friends, would reveal such intimate details about their lives to me, especially since it is well known in my work place that I am a devout Catholic. I do pray for them, they seem so unhappy.

 

[jmcrae]

I also think that the Catholic Churches use of the word “disorder” is being connected to the psychiatric term ‘mental disorder’ which homosexuality (offically atleast) is not characterised as. I don’t think that is the way Catholic teachers are using the word (from my understanding it is used to mean ‘against the natural order’ eg. non-procreative and sinful). There is some dispute regarding transgendered individuals relationship to mental health, most long term transexuals are classified under Gender Identity Disorder (however its clasification is controversial).

We mean “disorder” in the sense that, for example, blindness is a “disorder.” We want all the best for blind people, but we would not support any effort to distribute driver’s licenses to them, or even learner’s permits.

In the same way, we want all the best for those with same-sex attraction disorder, but we draw the line at issuing them marriage licenses, or even permitting them to date.

The reason in both cases is that although, at first glance, it may appear to give them more freedom, in reality, it can only end disastrously for everyone concerned, and with many tears.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Hi, i will soon be helping out as part of my University in the role of assisting …Ideally this whole thing is just to gauge some general opinion so that i know what some parents will likely be feeling should they come in contact with me.

I thought the op and others reading this thread might be interested in this article; worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=59169

 

[Jarryd]

I agree with alot of what the article has said in that the quest for harm minimisation in regard to sexual transmitted diseases, can often disregard the emotional side of sexual relationships. Just because someone is safe physically doesn’t mean that they are safe emotionally. I would however have to disagree with the claim by one student that there is a"pressure to declare (himself) homosexual" as the queer collectives that are set up at university have done so because homosexual individuals (men especially) are subjected to a great deal of abuse and violence at University. Given my experience with my campus there is very much a stigma attached with being a homosexual (although this is an Australian perspective, then again we are seen as ‘more liberal’ in some ways to the USA). What universities often preach is tolerance for the diverse range of people at University (tolerate being the emphasised point) and i know my University especially is very reluctant to move from tolerate to preaching acceptance simply because of differing opinions.
Saying that though many Universities have also adopted a ‘queer room’ which could be seen as preaching a paticular agenda, but this is mainly because again homosexuals tend to be a ‘target group’. I’m assuming it is these things in which a student feel is ‘pressuring’ him to be a homosexual.

 

[LeahInancsi]

Who said this?:

I appreciate the effort. One misrepresentation of Catholic teaching is that the Church condemns homosexuality which is not true at all.

I disagree. The Catholic church strongly condemns homosexuality, from fantasizing to practicing.

Just out of curiosity, what are your credentials for giving this kind of advice? I would assume that, at minimum, significant training in psychology, social work and counseling would be needed as well as some medical background.

The post you seem to be responding to is from Blest One. I think it’s pretty clear that she is expressing her opinion. That is what the OP is asking for. I don’t think it require a PhD to answer this thread. Or, am I wrong?

 

[Pong]

Well in that case, the Church also condemns heterosexulaity, from fantasizing to practicing. The Church does NOT condemn homosexulality, only homosexual acts. Why is it that people never seem to get that straight (hehe). Oh, and I have yet to see anything from any reputable source substantiating the claim that molestation and homosexuality are linked.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I agree with alot of what the article has said in that the quest for harm minimisation in regard to sexual transmitted diseases, can often disregard the emotional side of sexual relationships. Just because someone is safe physically doesn’t mean that they are safe emotionally. I would however have to disagree with the claim by one student that there is a"pressure to declare (himself) homosexual" …Given my experience with my campus there is very much a stigma attached with being a homosexual …What universities often preach is tolerance for the diverse range of people at University …

Rather than focussing on that particular quote regarding homosexuality, I thought the article made a good point about how undermining traditional morality places University students at risk for emotional and physical harm. This part of the article stands out to me: *

*…writing sentences like this: “Casual sex is a health hazard for young women.” Believe it or not, such expressions – the embodiment of common sense to just about every parent on earth – represent rank heresy in Dr. Grossman’s profession. You’re expected to hand out condoms and push “safe sex” (or “safer sex”) on students at every turn, but never, ever “pass judgment” on any behavior. One should encourage “experimentation” and downplay any moral and religious concerns as the undesirable traits of a “patriarchal” society. Abstinence is an unattainable ideal, and “tradition” is another word for “repression.” *

I also liked the quote earlier from someone on this thread comparing this to how she might react if her daughter was having an affair with a married man. I don’t know how I would react if a child of mine declared himself/herself gay, but I also don’t know exactly how I’d react if a heterosexual child of mine decided to commit heterosexual sins and expect my acceptance. I expect that I would hold to my principles, make sure my child knew I loved him/her, and spend a lot of time praying for my child’s soul. While some in the homosexual community might feel “stigmatized” by those of us who believe homosexual acts are wrong, they may forget that we consider a number of *heterosexual *acts immoral as well.

We believe that sex is sacred–part of the *Sacrament *of Marriage. I encourage you to learn about the Catholic Church teachings about sex and marriage. The teachings are quite consistant between behaviors expected of homosexuals *and *heterosexuals. Particularly look at the Church’s condemnation of contraception in marriage. We believe that sex should take place within marriage and needs to remain open to the creation of a child.

The widespread acceptance and promotion of sexual immorality on college campuses harms individuals and our whole society. While I sense that you are motivated to help others, I strongly encourage you to study more about this and related issues to that you can *really *help the people you wish to serve. God bless you.