Basic Truths About 24’s Jack Bauer
Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
*If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice. *
*If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life. *
*Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas. *
*If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it’s beef. *
*Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys. *
*1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight. *
*Let’s get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you. *
*Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer. *
*Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. *
*When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade. *
*Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves. *
*Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive. *
*Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men. *
*Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away. *
*When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables. *
*Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact. *
*Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it. *
*Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. *
When Jack Bauer p***** into the wind, the wind changes direction. *
*Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent. *
*When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help. *
*You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink. *
*Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30. *
*When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer. *
*Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< Jack Bauer”. *
*In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the hell have you done with your life? *
*Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball. *
*In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell. *
*What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed. *
*Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people. *
*If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out. *
People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
*Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it. *
*Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars. *
*Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness. *
*When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal. *
*It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ. *
*Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg. *
*After 7 minutes of interrogation at the hands of Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise admitted that he was gay. *
*Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once. *