A question I was afraid to ask regarding marital intimacy

  • Thread starter Thread starter TimidlyAsking
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
T

TimidlyAsking

Guest
Hello all,

I am very familiar with and active on this forum, but I created this account only to ask this question. I am not seeking any medical advice, merely seeking advice on how to handle a situation and also I am seeking prayers. I apologize for the sensitive nature of my question.

For a brief background, I have discomfort often when being intimate with my husband. It is not every time, but it is common enough that it causes a problem. I have seen several doctors for this, all of whom insist nothing is wrong with me. I love my husband. The desire is there. But the mechanics just don’t seem to work as they should. It is like I have an ‘off’ switch that will turn for no apparent reason, and I can be enjoying our time together one minute and be in absolute pain the next. My husband tries to be understanding. He certainly doesn’t want to force himself on me when I am in pain. But on the flip side, he understandably gets frustrated with me (in spite of his best efforts to be supportive) because he wants his wife. When he is frustrated, he will sometimes say things like “You just aren’t trying. I need you to try for me.” And I want to be there for him. I am trying. So sometimes–more often than I would like to admit–we continue with the marital embrace while I have to just try and endure it. This definitely causes a hardship on us.

I have been praying for a resolution to this issue. Sometimes I am even praying during the act, begging God to allow me to somehow open up, to somehow enjoy this, so that I can be more for my husband. But I will admit, it is hard to give myself fully when physically it is very painful to do. We have been married 4 years, and it is getting more and more difficult instead of the other way around.

I don’t want to put my husband in a bad situation where he is engaging in the marital act with hardly any participation from me. I don’t want to lower the act to just pleasure from him. I don’t know how to fix this issue. I want to be a good wife. I love my husband. I admire him, and I desire him. I don’t know what to do. Please pray for me.
 
I do not think this is the right place to seek an answer. I suggest making a visit with a gynogologist . Sorry for the spelling.
 
Thank you for your replies. But I should reiterate, I am not seeking medical advice. I understand that I should continue seeing a doctor. I am continually being told nothing is wrong with me.

My question is, what can I do in my marriage for this? Should I allow my husband to be intimate with me when I am struggling through it? Are there any novenas or patron saints I could turn to for help? And finally, I am asking for prayers.

Thank you again.
 
Jessie5000 said:
I do not think this is the right place to seek an answer. I suggest making a visit with a gynogologist . Sorry for the spelling.
Click to expand...
I second that opinion.

You need to see a doctor.

All we can do here is guess at what is wrong. A doctor can actually diagnose what is wrong.
 
Em_in_FL said:
Which types of specialists? Maybe someone can recommend a different type of specialist you haven’t tried?
Click to expand...
I first went to a gynecologist a month after being married. I expected the first few times to be painful, but I also anticipated that going away. When it wasn’t going away, I went to the doctor. She advised it was likely due to my being a virgin at marriage and that this was just normal. I went back several months later, and they could find nothing wrong and directed me to a sexual health specialist. When I went to this specialist, they advised that I simply didn’t know what was pleasurable to me, and encouraged me to do some personal exploring, if you will. I did not take that advice. I have since been to 4 different gynecologists, all who tell me the same thing: nothing is wrong. 🤷 It is frustrating, to say the least. I know something is wrong.

But while I am working through it, I am unsure how to best proceed with my husband. I want him to be happy and to feel loved and satisfied. But clearly, he is most satisfied when he has a wife who is an active participant in intimacy; not a wife who is taking one for the team. :nope: I suppose I really have been unclear in my question and it has come off as more of a rant than anything. I didn’t mean for that to happen. Could you please pray for us?
 
This is probably not going to be a popular opinion - but I’m a “fake it till you make it” type of girl. I’m not always in the mood for sex, and sometimes it’s the last thing I feel like doing. But I know I need to be there for my husband - and not just as a slab of meat on the bed. Most of the enjoyment in sex for men is seeing their wives enjoy the act. Not only is your husband’s goal YOUR pleasure, but he also needs to feel that you find him attractive and want to be with him. So yeah - I recommend a sort of “faking” - In the same way that your husband “fakes” that he’s happy to wash your car or take the trash our or fix the garbage disposal that you clogged. Of course those aren’t his favorite activities, but he’s happy to do them for YOU and your common home.

Have you tried having a couple glasses of wine before sex? Have you tried psychological help? If the gynecologists can’t find a physical cause, I would recommend seeking a psychological evaluation. There are many reasons a woman might have sexual issues that she can’t p(name removed by moderator)oint on her own.
 
I know this is a sensitive topic for you but I don’t know how old you are but it could be you are in the age group to experience vaginal dryness due to perimenopause. or even full-blown menopause. Have your hormones tested. Even the ph balance too. Dryness is quite common with women after 35 and on up. I heard it is painful. But I also hear they have over the counter creams you can use to make it less painful at that. Try that as well. I hope this helps. 🤷

Becca3
 
JackieMom said:
This is probably not going to be a popular opinion - but I’m a “fake it till you make it” type of girl. I’m not always in the mood for sex, and sometimes it’s the last thing I feel like doing. But I know I need to be there for my husband - and not just as a slab of meat on the bed. Most of the enjoyment in sex for men is seeing their wives enjoy the act. Not only is your husband’s goal YOUR pleasure, but he also needs to feel that you find him attractive and want to be with him. So yeah - I recommend a sort of “faking” - In the same way that your husband “fakes” that he’s happy to wash your car or take the trash our or fix the garbage disposal that you clogged. Of course those aren’t his favorite activities, but he’s happy to do them for YOU and your common home.

Have you tried having a couple glasses of wine before sex? Have you tried psychological help? If the gynecologists can’t find a physical cause, I would recommend seeking a psychological evaluation. There are many reasons a woman might have sexual issues that she can’t p(name removed by moderator)oint on her own.
Click to expand...
I am sorry I don’t usually butt in but how can she fake it if she is in pain?? I mean, come on!
 
TimidlyAsking said:
I first went to a gynecologist a month after being married. I expected the first few times to be painful, but I also anticipated that going away. When it wasn’t going away, I went to the doctor. She advised it was likely due to my being a virgin at marriage and that this was just normal. I went back several months later, and they could find nothing wrong and directed me to a sexual health specialist. When I went to this specialist, they advised that I simply didn’t know what was pleasurable to me, and encouraged me to do some personal exploring, if you will. I did not take that advice. I have since been to 4 different gynecologists, all who tell me the same thing: nothing is wrong. 🤷 It is frustrating, to say the least. I know something is wrong.

But while I am working through it, I am unsure how to best proceed with my husband. I want him to be happy and to feel loved and satisfied. But clearly, he is most satisfied when he has a wife who is an active participant in intimacy; not a wife who is taking one for the team. :nope: I suppose I really have been unclear in my question and it has come off as more of a rant than anything. I didn’t mean for that to happen. Could you please pray for us?
Click to expand...
Have you had your hormone levels checked by an Endocrinologist? Reproductive Endocrinologists specialize in hormones and are often just seen as “infertility doctors”, but in all reality they may be your best bet for seeing if all your levels are in check!
Highly recommend looking into a Reproductive Endocrinologist. 👍
 
JackieMom said:
This is probably not going to be a popular opinion - but I’m a “fake it till you make it” type of girl. I’m not always in the mood for sex, and sometimes it’s the last thing I feel like doing. But I know I need to be there for my husband - and not just as a slab of meat on the bed. Most of the enjoyment in sex for men is seeing their wives enjoy the act. Not only is your husband’s goal YOUR pleasure, but he also needs to feel that you find him attractive and want to be with him. So yeah - I recommend a sort of “faking” - In the same way that your husband “fakes” that he’s happy to wash your car or take the trash our or fix the garbage disposal that you clogged. Of course those aren’t his favorite activities, but he’s happy to do them for YOU and your common home…
Click to expand...
Please do not suggest that the OP “push through the pain”. This is not a case of just “not being in the mood”. There are many physiological causes to such pain, and OP, I would suggest that you pick up a copy of the book When Sex Hurts: A Woman’s Guide to Banishing Sexual Pain. The worst thing you can do is continue to endure the pain because it sets up an involuntary muscle response that perpetuates the cycle. This book goes into depth about some conditions that cause pain and has resources you can use with your doctors to figure it out.
 
You have my sympathies, I hope you can find a way to discuss and communicate with your husband and come to a place where you both are at peace. I really don’t know what I would do in your shoes but I know that I can and will pray for you and your husband.
Memorare
REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
TimidlyAsking said:
Hello all,

I am very familiar with and active on this forum, but I created this account only to ask this question. I am not seeking any medical advice, merely seeking advice on how to handle a situation and also I am seeking prayers. I apologize for the sensitive nature of my question.

For a brief background, I have discomfort often when being intimate with my husband. It is not every time, but it is common enough that it causes a problem. I have seen several doctors for this, all of whom insist nothing is wrong with me. I love my husband. The desire is there. But the mechanics just don’t seem to work as they should. It is like I have an ‘off’ switch that will turn for no apparent reason, and I can be enjoying our time together one minute and be in absolute pain the next. My husband tries to be understanding. He certainly doesn’t want to force himself on me when I am in pain. But on the flip side, he understandably gets frustrated with me (in spite of his best efforts to be supportive) because he wants his wife. When he is frustrated, he will sometimes say things like “You just aren’t trying. I need you to try for me.” And I want to be there for him. I am trying. So sometimes–more often than I would like to admit–we continue with the marital embrace while I have to just try and endure it. This definitely causes a hardship on us.

I have been praying for a resolution to this issue. Sometimes I am even praying during the act, begging God to allow me to somehow open up, to somehow enjoy this, so that I can be more for my husband. But I will admit, it is hard to give myself fully when physically it is very painful to do. We have been married 4 years, and it is getting more and more difficult instead of the other way around.

I don’t want to put my husband in a bad situation where he is engaging in the marital act with hardly any participation from me. I don’t want to lower the act to just pleasure from him. I don’t know how to fix this issue. I want to be a good wife. I love my husband. I admire him, and I desire him. I don’t know what to do. Please pray for me.
Click to expand...
Oh, honey. :hug1: Been there, done that. I second the research into vaginismus. I brought it up with my gyno after having researched and purchased the books and he said, “As much as the people who run that site purport it to be common, I’ve rarely run across anyone who actually has it.” So, it could be that because it’s so uncommon (or infrequently recognized/diagnosed), the multiple specialists you’ve seen haven’t even thought of it.

I also second NOT pushing through the pain. I’m sorry that your husband isn’t holding his tongue on some of the things that he’s said. Mine couldn’t enjoy it when he saw how much pain or discomfort I was in. It led to quite a few dry spells because I didn’t want to get hurt anymore, so there is that, but the end result is worth it.

I tried to send this to you in a PM, but I couldn’t, so here it is. Do your research and bring up some possibilities to your docs. Sometimes, it’s the only way to get a correct diagnosis or even a second look.

Good luck.
 
am so sorry for what you are going through. sex is supposed to be mutually enjoyable and I can guess the frustration you feel when a doctor after another tell its o.k
what they mean is physically ok but there is really a physiological problem. sex psychologist could have delt with that. try and remember if you ever experienced sexual abuse before 5th birthday and be delivered …even if you can’t remember, organize with your priest for deliverance. meanwhile remember fear of it will make it more painful.
I will remember you in prayers
 
Thank you for all of the insight and encouragement, you guys. I have never had my hormone levels checked, nor has it ever been suggested to me. I will look into that. There has to be something that we can do to fix this. I am young–I’m only 30. I love my husband, and I hate to disappoint him. He is not callous with me, but he understandably gets frustrated at times and then says things he regrets which hurt to hear.

For the book recommendation, thank you very much. I will see if it is at my local library!

For the prayer intentions, I deeply appreciate them. I want so badly to fix this.

God love and bless you all.
 
You say that a specialist recommended that you do some personal exploring?

Well…you don’t have to do it…but why can’t your husband try it instead? Have him touch you, gently, in different places before intercourse. Tell him exactly what feels good and what doesn’t. Reinforce this again and again about what, if anything, feels good.

Maybe you need more foreplay…more kissing and touching before intercourse. Sometimes guys like to move things along quickly. If you ask him to slow down a bit more to let you catch up.

Also…have you tried lubricants? Not just the kinds you find in wal-mart…but some of the really good stuff, like the silicon lubes, you buy online. Have him apply the lubricant on you. Encourage him to touch you as much as possible.

You probably need to speak to some more doctors. But I’m just making some different suggestions that you could try now.
 
A previous poster provided a link to a recognised name for symptoms sounding very like what you describe. Go back and follow his link

I would like to give some key advice: Foreplay may be everything!!!

When I first got married my wife had a far more active sex drive than I had. Unfortunately various Gynie problems and 2 C-Sections have changed that and she is no longer so driven, and we have long periods when she is simply unable to share the marital embrace.

I will say that when she is able to, it is vital for us to ensure she is “Well warmed up” first.

Within the personal tastes for you and your husband it is well worth remembering that when used as foreplay and intended as part of a complete marital act, there are almost no holds barred.
My wife and I find it very helpful for my wife to ensure she reaches climax before we attempt penetration. We will use a number of methods to achieve this.

For obvious reasons the reverse cannot be true, as a man’s climax will typically end the process, and certainly prevents it from being completed in a manner which is open to life - even if he is able to climax a second time. (Unintended pre-mature events are a different matter - you can’t sin by accident!)

The marital act is intended to be a mutual gift of self to the other, and a mutual reception of the gift of the other. When you have a disorder getting in the way like you describe; it becomes impossible to recieve your husband as a gift. To try to “Push through the pain” may be you attempting to give him a gift, but it is in no way receiving a gift from him.

Finding another sex therapist may very much help. In a condition like you are describing the casues are quite possibly psychological… especially if the most likely physiological causes can be properly eliminated by your Gynecologist…

Another thing which my wife finds important: Her sex drive is linked to how recently she has been able to enjoy a previous embrace. If a woman has achieved climax with her husband, she becomes more receptive, and the muscles become more ready to enjoy that embrace again. If a woman has not enjoyed that embrace for some time, her body can become less receptive and take far more preparation before it is ready to receive him. (Obviously I accept the every person is different, and some women will find the opposite is true for them)
 
You say it doesn’t always happen. I would suggest trying to document as much as possible all the details and circumstances of your sexual encounters to see what the common threads are when it happens and when it doesn’t. Day of the week, time of day or night, where you are in your cycle, what you ate, what types of foreplay were used, stress levels of husband and wife with regard to work, home, children, etc. It may seem strange or awkward to even think about and recall all these things, much less document them “clinically”, but it will provide a wealth of information to help a doctor, counselor, or even the two of you understand your sex life better.
 
anruari said:
A previous poster provided a link to a recognised name for symptoms sounding very like what you describe. Go back and follow his link

I would like to give some key advice: Foreplay may be everything!!!

When I first got married my wife had a far more active sex drive than I had. Unfortunately various Gynie problems and 2 C-Sections have changed that and she is no longer so driven, and we have long periods when she is simply unable to share the marital embrace.

I will say that when she is able to, it is vital for us to ensure she is “Well warmed up” first.

Within the personal tastes for you and your husband it is well worth remembering that when used as foreplay and intended as part of a complete marital act, there are almost no holds barred.
My wife and I find it very helpful for my wife to ensure she reaches climax before we attempt penetration. We will use a number of methods to achieve this.

For obvious reasons the reverse cannot be true, as a man’s climax will typically end the process, and certainly prevents it from being completed in a manner which is open to life - even if he is able to climax a second time. (Unintended pre-mature events are a different matter - you can’t sin by accident!)

The marital act is intended to be a mutual gift of self to the other, and a mutual reception of the gift of the other. When you have a disorder getting in the way like you describe; it becomes impossible to recieve your husband as a gift. To try to “Push through the pain” may be you attempting to give him a gift, but it is in no way receiving a gift from him.

Finding another sex therapist may very much help. In a condition like you are describing the casues are quite possibly psychological… especially if the most likely physiological causes can be properly eliminated by your Gynecologist…

Another thing which my wife finds important: Her sex drive is linked to how recently she has been able to enjoy a previous embrace. If a woman has achieved climax with her husband, she becomes more receptive, and the muscles become more ready to enjoy that embrace again. If a woman has not enjoyed that embrace for some time, her body can become less receptive and take far more preparation before it is ready to receive him. (Obviously I accept the every person is different, and some women will find the opposite is true for them)
Click to expand...
Fantastic (and realistic) advice here! Thank you for your honesty!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top