A question I was afraid to ask regarding marital intimacy

[Carolus_Martell]

I hope you can find a cure for this discomfort you’re experiencing…like female Viagra or a mental reset of some kind.

Be very thankful with prayer for your husbands patience I would have gone the annulment route 3 years and 6 mos ago if it were me in your husbands position.

 

[aemcpa]

I hope you can find a cure for this discomfort you’re experiencing…like female Viagra or a mental reset of some kind.

Be very thankful with prayer for your husbands patience I would have gone the annulment route 3 years and 6 mos ago if it were me in your husbands position.

I would hope that you would have given your fiancee the opportunity to call off the wedding given that you clearly have no conception of Christian marriage nor the mental capacity to enter into it.

 

[agnes_therese]

Be very thankful with prayer for your husbands patience I would have gone the annulment route 3 years and 6 mos ago if it were me in your husbands position.

I do hope that if you’re married, you left out the parts about “better or worse” and “in sickness and in health” out of your wedding.

 

[EasterJoy]

You might have your husband research into the causes, solutions, and especially the aggravating factors for problems of this type–because it is not just one single problem that causes this. Also, be aware that psychological causes are real causes, because most of the things that your central nervous system does to the rest of your body are not under your direct control. You can’t just “tough it out”, because when your body hears “tough it out”, that can have pretty much the opposite effect of when it hears “you are safe, you can relax entirely”.

Do you see where I’m going with this? In addition to whatever is physically causing this, you have to be aware that normal sexual functioning presumes a physical situation where the parties are relaxed and free to simply do what seems to be the thing to do, with all anxiety-producing things a million miles away. If the part of your body, your brain, that is responsible for letting the rest of your body know there is a danger turns on the “be wary” sign, then that can cause problems. When anxiety-producing factors intrude, nature lets us know that the trip beyond worries will have to wait for another day.

When it comes to thoughts, your body usually responds as if all thoughts were positive commands. Tell yourself “don’t think of an elephant”, and somehow all your body gets is “be wary of elephants”. You certainly can’t get pictures of pachyderms out of your head! Don’t want to think of elephants? You have to give yourself a mutually-exclusive positive command, instead, like “think of predators” or better yet, “think of birds in flight, floating and light, free and floating on the wind, forever and ever”. It isn’t very likely that you’re going to see Dumbo floating by, but if you do, he’s light and free, so what of it? You’re not going to be worried he’ll step on you.

So part of your “homework” is going to be to maintain a feeling in you that you are safe and that ultimately everything is right with the world when you’re intimate with your husband, no matter what else happens. Easier said than done, perhaps, but that is your (plural) goal, whatever other goals you have.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you for all of the insight and encouragement, you guys. I have never had my hormone levels checked, nor has it ever been suggested to me. I will look into that. There has to be something that we can do to fix this. I am young–I’m only 30. I love my husband, and I hate to disappoint him. He is not callous with me, but he understandably gets frustrated at times and then says things he regrets which hurt to hear.

For the book recommendation, thank you very much. I will see if it is at my local library!

For the prayer intentions, I deeply appreciate them. I want so badly to fix this.

God love and bless you all.

Is there a size problem? You probably need to have him go to the doctor with you to discuss any problems that aren’t yours.

You’ll be in my prayers. Tough situation. Pain is not erotic.

 

[18trouble]

praying for peace and healing!

 

[TimidlyAsking]

I hope you can find a cure for this discomfort you’re experiencing…like female Viagra or a mental reset of some kind.

Be very thankful with prayer for your husbands patience I would have gone the annulment route 3 years and 6 mos ago if it were me in your husbands position.

I hate to admit this, but your post pierces my heart with sadness. I hate to even imagine my husband having the same attitude as yours.

However, I am very blessed and grateful to report that I have a husband who meant his vows, and will remain with me through health and sickness. In other words, I actually have a man and not a little boy in a man’s body.

And for the record, you could have gone through the annulment route but most certainly would have been denied annulment by the Church.

 

[aemcpa]

However, I am very blessed and grateful to report that I have a husband who meant his vows, and will remain with me through health and sickness. In other words, I actually have a man and not a little boy in a man’s body.

 

[TimidlyAsking]

To everyone who has given advice and encouragement, I feel refreshed and hopeful that I can find a resolution to this. I appreciate your prayers, both for me and for my husband!

 

[Kelfa28]

To everyone who has given advice and encouragement, I feel refreshed and hopeful that I can find a resolution to this. I appreciate your prayers, both for me and for my husband!

Good luck!

You seem to have married a wonderful man!

Prayers for you!

 

[LongingSoul]

A previous poster provided a link to a recognised name for symptoms sounding very like what you describe. Go back and follow his link

I would like to give some key advice: Foreplay may be everything!!!

When I first got married my wife had a far more active sex drive than I had. Unfortunately various Gynie problems and 2 C-Sections have changed that and she is no longer so driven, and we have long periods when she is simply unable to share the marital embrace.

I will say that when she is able to, it is vital for us to ensure she is “Well warmed up” first.

Within the personal tastes for you and your husband it is well worth remembering that when used as foreplay and intended as part of a complete marital act, there are almost no holds barred.
My wife and I find it very helpful for my wife to ensure she reaches climax before we attempt penetration. We will use a number of methods to achieve this.

For obvious reasons the reverse cannot be true, as a man’s climax will typically end the process, and certainly prevents it from being completed in a manner which is open to life - even if he is able to climax a second time. (Unintended pre-mature events are a different matter - you can’t sin by accident!)

The marital act is intended to be a mutual gift of self to the other, and a mutual reception of the gift of the other. When you have a disorder getting in the way like you describe; it becomes impossible to recieve your husband as a gift. To try to “Push through the pain” may be you attempting to give him a gift, but it is in no way receiving a gift from him.

Finding another sex therapist may very much help. In a condition like you are describing the casues are quite possibly psychological… especially if the most likely physiological causes can be properly eliminated by your Gynecologist…

Another thing which my wife finds important: Her sex drive is linked to how recently she has been able to enjoy a previous embrace. If a woman has achieved climax with her husband, she becomes more receptive, and the muscles become more ready to enjoy that embrace again. If a woman has not enjoyed that embrace for some time, her body can become less receptive and take far more preparation before it is ready to receive him. (Obviously I accept the every person is different, and some women will find the opposite is true for them)

Excellent advice! … but I’m the poster you refer to… and I’m a ‘her’ ! :hypno:

 

[Forkfoot]

My husband tries to be understanding. He certainly doesn’t want to force himself on me when I am in pain. But on the flip side, he understandably gets frustrated with me (in spite of his best efforts to be supportive) because he wants his wife. When he is frustrated, he will sometimes say things like “You just aren’t trying. I need you to try for me.” And I want to be there for him. I am trying. So sometimes–more often than I would like to admit–we continue with the marital embrace while I have to just try and endure it.

I love my husband, and I hate to disappoint him. He is not callous with me, but he understandably gets frustrated at times and then says things he regrets which hurt to hear.

Whoa, whoa, hold on lady. It is not cool for him to get frustrated and say things that hurt you. Please don’t allow yourself to go through pain because your husband can’t show more patience with you; it will hurt your relationship. If you’re hurting, stop, if he accuses you of not trying, tell him you **are **trying that how it makes you feel when he says that. “Wife” does not mean “doormat”, and “husband” does not mean “always right”. Don’t torture yourself because he hasn’t yet matured enough to learn a little patience; his lack of patience is nobody’s responsibility but his own.

The sections I quoted above hurt my heart to read, and I’m kinda disturbed more people didn’t point out the insanity of a woman saying a husband “understandably” gets frustrated and hurts her feelings.

 

[Lorelei12]

Whoa, whoa, hold on lady. It is not cool for him to get frustrated and say things that hurt you. Please don’t allow yourself to go through pain because your husband can’t show more patience with you; it will hurt your relationship. If you’re hurting, stop, if he accuses you of not trying, tell him you **are **trying that how it makes you feel when he says that. “Wife” does not mean “doormat”, and “husband” does not mean “always right”. Don’t torture yourself because he hasn’t yet matured enough to learn a little patience; his lack of patience is nobody’s responsibility but his own.

The sections I quoted above hurt my heart to read, and I’m kinda disturbed more people didn’t point out the insanity of a woman saying a husband “understandably” gets frustrated and hurts her feelings.

I agree with you- it’s absolutely not okay for her husband to tell her she isn’t trying hard enough or to say hurtful things. He doesn’t sound like a bad guy necessarily, and I’m sure he is (understandably) frustrated- which I think is what the OP is saying (that she understands he is frustrated, not that she understands why he would say hurtful things).

He is being callous and hurtful, and I am sure that is affecting the problem greatly. OP, of course your husband is going to be frustrated but it isn’t okay for him to make you feel badly or as though it is your fault. It is NOT your fault, and it sounds like his attitude could be causing anxiety and making things worse. Have you told him how his comments make you feel?

 

[Miss_Felicity]

This is probably not going to be a popular opinion - but I’m a “fake it till you make it” type of girl. I’m not always in the mood for sex, and sometimes it’s the last thing I feel like doing. But I know I need to be there for my husband - and not just as a slab of meat on the bed. Most of the enjoyment in sex for men is seeing their wives enjoy the act. Not only is your husband’s goal YOUR pleasure, but he also needs to feel that you find him attractive and want to be with him. So yeah - I recommend a sort of “faking” - In the same way that your husband “fakes” that he’s happy to wash your car or take the trash our or fix the garbage disposal that you clogged. Of course those aren’t his favorite activities, but he’s happy to do them for YOU and your common home.

Have you tried having a couple glasses of wine before sex? Have you tried psychological help? If the gynecologists can’t find a physical cause, I would recommend seeking a psychological evaluation. There are many reasons a woman might have sexual issues that she can’t p(name removed by moderator)oint on her own.

DO NOT DO THIS! Something is not right, stay engaged with doctors and specialists to get it fixed. I DESPISE that lay there and think of England thinking. Within the confines of marriage you are supposed to enjoy it and if you are having trouble enjoying that you owe it to yourself, your husband and your marriage to find solutions. Additionally pain is usually a signal from our body that there is damage, trauma, or abnormality.

 

[sheilathebard]

Hugs. Been there.

There are some questions I have, which you don’t have to answer, but it does affect things:

1. Is this something that’s been going on since day 1 of your marriage, or something that’s arisen later? The former suggests vaginismus or maybe just a very tight perineum, the later suggests maybe a birth injury. You don’t mention if you’ve had any kids, but tears, episiotomies, or forceps deliveries really do a number on your body.
2. Does it seem to vary based on position or what your husband does? I still have to remind my husband that there are certain angles that are painful to me. Can you show your husband exactly where it hurts, and ask him to remember to be gentle toward those areas?

I think the most important thing is giving yourself permission to say, “Ouch, that hurts all of a sudden, let’s stop.” I know that’s hard to do because you feel like you’ve committed to having sex and now your husband will be disappointed. But it’s much better than training yourself, time after time, to tense up because it might get painful. You can always go back to foreplay for awhile, and then try intercourse again when you are more relaxed.

And if all else fails and your husband is feeling very frustrated or deprived, you can stimulate him almost to the point of orgasm beforehand so that intercourse is over quickly.

I wish I could give you a big hug right now, this is so hard! Hope that you find healing, but meanwhile that you are able to keep this from being a wedge between your husband and you.

 

[TimidlyAsking]

Whoa, whoa, hold on lady. It is not cool for him to get frustrated and say things that hurt you. Please don’t allow yourself to go through pain because your husband can’t show more patience with you; it will hurt your relationship. If you’re hurting, stop, if he accuses you of not trying, tell him you **are **trying that how it makes you feel when he says that. “Wife” does not mean “doormat”, and “husband” does not mean “always right”. Don’t torture yourself because he hasn’t yet matured enough to learn a little patience; his lack of patience is nobody’s responsibility but his own.

The sections I quoted above hurt my heart to read, and I’m kinda disturbed more people didn’t point out the insanity of a woman saying a husband “understandably” gets frustrated and hurts her feelings.

I absolutely have. I should specify that he does not often say these things. If he ever says anything that is not supportive, it is out of sheer frustration and it is not common. Thank you for your comments. My concern is not that my husband is callous or cruel, because he is neither of those things. He has deeply regretted it the moment anything like that has come out of his mouth. I am not his doormat, nor is he always right; I am merely trying to overcome and obstacle for the both of us. Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[Ophelia23]

I absolutely have. I should specify that he does not often say these things. If he ever says anything that is not supportive, it is out of sheer frustration and it is not common. Thank you for your comments. My concern is not that my husband is callous or cruel, because he is neither of those things. He has deeply regretted it the moment anything like that has come out of his mouth. I am not his doormat, nor is he always right; I am merely trying to overcome and obstacle for the both of us. Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

:hug3: I don’t think your husband sounds like a jerk. I think he sounds human, and I think it sounds like he is legitimately trying to support you through what is definitely difficult for him AND for you. If we all were limited to the occasional hurtful things we have said and regretted to someone we loved, we all would be labeled as callous jerks in some way or another.

I think it is great that you are trying to work through this problem. I don’t know what the cause may be, but I agree with others that you should not “push through the pain”. I think there has been a lot of useful advice given here worth considering. Please know that both you and your husband are in my prayers!

 

[Forkfoot]

I absolutely have. I should specify that he does not often say these things. If he ever says anything that is not supportive, it is out of sheer frustration and it is not common. Thank you for your comments. My concern is not that my husband is callous or cruel, because he is neither of those things. He has deeply regretted it the moment anything like that has come out of his mouth. I am not his doormat, nor is he always right; I am merely trying to overcome and obstacle for the both of us. Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

That’s good to hear. Please don’t keep doing it despite the pain to shelter him from frustration though. Much better to stop the pain then and there and keep looking for a solution that pleases you both.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Could you be over thinking it and letting it stress you out and make you tense up.

 

[JackieMom]

DO NOT DO THIS! Something is not right, stay engaged with doctors and specialists to get it fixed. I DESPISE that lay there and think of England thinking. Within the confines of marriage you are supposed to enjoy it and if you are having trouble enjoying that you owe it to yourself, your husband and your marriage to find solutions. Additionally pain is usually a signal from our body that there is damage, trauma, or abnormality.

I didn’t say to lay there and think of England - I said to jump in and get excited and act like she’s having a blast, and have a glass or two of wine f it helps. Her obgyn has said there are no medical issues. Sometimes pushing through something difficult and “faking it till you make it” can work. It’s not always complicated. You can’t just cut your husband off because sex is uncomfortable - if there is a medical diagnosis, get it and treat it. If you need some wine, drink it. If you need psychological counseling, seek it. I have been in situations where sex hurt (postpartum, third degree tear) and where the very idea of it was akin to getting a root canal because sex caused a bladder infection half the time. Guess what? None of that was going to change because I wasn’t having any sex. Not only would the problem persist, but my husband would have become understandably frustrated and hurt. I could lay there wincing and huffing or like a dead fish, and ruin the sex for both of us, or I could act like it was amazing and make my husband happy and maybe get some enjoyment myself.

I realize the conventional wisdom says that if things aren’t perfect, then women have the right to deny their husbands. I simply disagree with that. I do think that jumping in with a positive attitude, enthusiasm and a desire to push through a problem in the bedroom CAN be a very viable “treatment.” Not always, but often.