Age Difference in Marriage

  • Thread starter Thread starter cargopilot
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
40.png
Siena:
He has already loved and tended to a wife who was ill, and has lost children, He would have a much more compassionate veiw of being a good husband than most.
Click to expand...
Good point!

I have trouble with the ages from my own perspective - but, it’s always been more acceptable in our culture for a man to marry a younger woman than for a woman to marry a younger man. It used to be very common to have such a disparity between the ages of the husband and wife.
 
Elizabeth-
One small note, you have kids that age, he dosn’t. I think your perspective of that only changes with kids. A story I am not proud of: My husband had never gone to a strip club (he is fallen away catholic) but felt “left out” for not having done so. He did go (I didn’t try to stop him- don’t ask, it’s not important to the moral here) He left there after about an hour. He told me he did not think the girls were very attractive, at first, but one came up to dance, and she was kind of cute, when suddenly she looked over and smiled at him, and he saw our daughter’s smile in her face! (our dd was about 7) He got up in discust and left, thinking how she was somebodys dd!!! You can only think like that if you have children at home to make the comparison with!
 
Mom, I disagree with you. A mature 17/18 yr old is better able to be a wife and mother than most 27 yr olds running around here nowadays. I am 30, married and started having kids at 21, and MOST of my college friends are still unmarried, living with someone, and/or seeking out their own “selfish” persuits. I found new friends through my kids CATHOLIC school, but most, if not ALL of them are either divorced and remarried (w/o annulments), and using ABC’s in marriage

Frankly Mom is correct a 17/18 year old is not ready to be a wife or mom in today’s culture. Also a mature 17/18 year old would be very disgusted by a 40+ year old man’s interest.
 
Mom of 5:
“Cargo pilot, why are you so involved in all of this?”

(Involved? He’s a friend. But how involved am I? I start a thread and that makes me involved?)

“Would you want your 17 year old daughter to marry this or any other 49 yr old???”

(No, but once she turns 18, it isn’t my choice, is it?)

“why are you all for this marriage???”

(I’m not '“all for” it, It’s a friend’s decision. I am for any Sacramental Marriage.)

"You asked for “help”,

(I didn’t ask for ‘help’, again, it isn’t my deal.)

“I think that means helpful insight into this relationship, if you already had your mind made up that this is a “Good thing”, then why bother with the post?”

(What my mind is made up for is immaterial, again, it isn’t my deal.)

“You are getting angry with those of us who highly disagree with this arrangement.”

(I have no anger for you, or anyone else on this forum. Again, I’m married and it’s only a factor 'cause it’s a friend. I started a thread to see what others say, from curiousity. I can clearly see that there are those who are very, very quick to judge and others who are much less so.)

“Most 17 year olds are in no way prepared to be wives and mothers no matter what nationality.”

(A judgement call. I didn’t marry until I was 30. I wasn’t ready for marriage at 17 or 18, but I know some who married at that age, and are married to this day.)

“We have a singles group at our church, and as I understand it, there are singles groups in many parishes. If not, start one, you don’t have to go to another country to find a wife! (under-aged as well)”

(I think most parishes have singles (divorced) groups. Trouble is, I’m told there are few that are able to marry in the Church. Not that it means anything, but the minimum age for males to marry in the Church is 16 and 14 for females.)

Mom, let me be very clear, I’m not angry with you, or any other poster. You’re opinion is probably the prevailing attitude on this matter, so I’m not surprised. You’ve got to understand that I’ll defend a friend, particularly if they aren’t commiting any sin.
Click to expand...
 
40.png
Siena:
You can only think like that if you have children at home to make the comparison with!
Click to expand...
I think you’re right on that.

When I was young, I was in love with someone who had a daughter my age. We were very good friends and I did everything I could think of to let him know that the age difference didn’t matter to me, but he was very firm and never let it go beyond friendship - maybe because he could see these obstacles and didn’t want to put me through them. That would have been very much like him. I didn’t see any obstacles - not until I had semi-grown children - I finally understood.
 
I think it’s weird and almost gross. She’s only a bit younger than my son who still watches Saturday AM cartoons. At almost 50, he is going to be slowing down in life while she is just starting hers. I think it’s unfair… but then again, living w/ an old man might be a better deal than living dirt poor in another country.

Would I be nice to them if they went to my parish? Of course. But at first glance I would think he must’ve adopted her as a child.

And to those who say, “Go for it…” - just to be fair, would your opinion be different if it was an almost 50 year old woman with a 17 year old boy?
 
I think it’s weird and almost gross

Exactly. An almost 50 year old man with a TEENAGER is DISGUSTING.
 
40.png
Lilyofthevalley:
Also a mature 17/18 year old would be very disgusted by a 40+ year old man’s interest.
Click to expand...
**Not unless they where looking for a “rich” American husband and a “green card” **
 
First: the age difference

This is not the biggest issue for me. 17 may well be considered adult where this girl comes from and poverty has a way of bringing maturity at a much younger age than most sheltered americans are used to or comfortable with.

Second: her poverty vs his wealth

Poverty’s a desperate situation down south for many people and I wouldn’t fault her for taking any way out available - including marriage to this man, especially if she is completely uneducated. If that’s the case, I would recommend waiting until she’s 20. Can she read, speak english, does she live with family? What does her family think? These things are the bigger issues, imho.
 
I have a couple of questions:

Under what circumstances did they meet?

Is she smitten with him, too?

Tasha
 
Not unless they where looking for a “rich” American husband and a “green card”

Good point!
 
Yeah the power to get the all mighty “green card” has made people do some stupid things.
 
Also a mature 17/18 year old would be very disgusted by a 40+ year old man’s interest.
Click to expand...
That is NOT true at all! Many women are attracted to men much older than them, myself included until I met my dh. It wasn’t about age - it just worked out that way. Older men held the door open for me, were more mature in their manner and conversation, older men had learned to appreciate women for more than s*x. Frankly, I was astonished to stumble across my dh when we met. He was the youngest man I’d ever been interested in by a good 6 years or more and he had all of those qualities I was finding so attractive in older men.

As for the green card and money - that doesn’t have one thing to do with her being from south america! Good grief, many american women are more interested in a man’s stock portfolio than his heart and they don’t have the excuse of living in deplorable conditions. Even if this girl does look at marriage to him as beneficial due to those things, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him too or won’t keep her marriage vows. For his sake, I recommended they talk to her family and he get to know them all much better. This will give him a much better idea of where her heart is and if things could work for the many years to follow.
 
Older men held the door open for me, were more mature in their manner and conversation,
😦 An older man usually dates a teen because he can’t get a woman his own age. A teen bean doesn’t expect what an older woman expects from aman.

older men had learned to appreciate women for more than s*x.
:mad: Why ELSE does an older man want to date a teen bean??
 
As the father of a 17 yo daughter, I find the story repellant. I understand in some cultures, mostly around the time of the Bronze Age, this would be an acceptable arrangement. It is not unusual for an older man to seek a fling with a girl half his age as a hedge against feelings of growing older

I keep thinking, “All I want is an electric guitar for my mid-life crisis.” Maybe if I show this to my wife she’ll give in.
 
40.png
cargopilot:
As for isolation, please see my above post, regarding her parents and brothers, as well as a large Spanish population in our area. Mass and social opportunities abound here for the Latin-American.

Brenda: “You did not tell us in your original post about the plans for her family to come here or the large Spanish population where you live. That does indeed change things a little.”

As for education and college, I’m quite certain he would provide that, if that’s what she wanted.

Brenda: “This is good.”

As for his likelihood of dieing and leaving her poor, rest assured, she and any children will be provided for, handsomely. Unless she develops a desire for a BelAire address, Ferraris and Rodeo Drive, she and any children will get to live the rest of her life very nicely. He has joked that when he dies, he hopes she’ll take all that money and marry the gardener.

Brenda: “Nest eggs can go bust in 24 hrs. I have watched this happen to some retirees. You don’t need to have a desire for a Bel Aire address, Ferraris or shopping at Rodeo Drive for this nest egg to disappear. I am happy to see that he has thought about it though.”

I’m sorry that you are “insulted that this man thinks there are no women closer to his own age who might be what he is looking for.” Please remember that you are blessed with children, and he is not. He wants children, and the simple fact is a fourty-something female is past child-bearing age. Also, there is actually a minutely small pool of females in the 35-45 age bracket that is even able to marry. Most of the available pool of females in the age bracket you describe are divorced, and cannot marry in the Church.

Brenda: “I am still fertile at the age of 47. We don’t have any more children because we practice NFP. Also, there are women in the 35-45 age range who have never been married, were married but had an annullment or made the mistake of having pre-marital sex and have a child but still never been married. The last two should not by any means put someone “out of the running”.”

I’ll pray for my friend and continue to always be his friend. If he marries a then to be 18 year old Latina, I will welcome her into our ‘circle’ with open arms, with no questions asked, or judgements made. If they do go through with this, I also pray that everyone in our close-knit parish will accept them.

Brenda: “These are admirable goals, I too will pray for your friend but also for the girl and her family that they make a good decision. If this man lived in my Parish and came to me for advise I would indeed tell him what I said in my original post but I would also advise if he wishes to go through with the marriage to bring her here first, let her become used to this culture, allow her 3 to even 5 more years to grow up some more, get more life expereinces so she can make a well formed decision.”
Click to expand...
On the surface, this is gross and not a good idea. There are certainly many variables that can come into play which you have clarified to a small extent. I too would like to know a few other things, the same as Tasha:

"Tasha:
I have a couple of questions:

Under what circumstances did they meet?

Is she smitten with him, too?

Tasha"

If these questions could be answered then we would be able to take the “grossness” factor out and just put in, “this is weird but okay”.

Brenda V.
 
I’ll try to answer what I can from my second-hand info and without getting so detailed as to identify my buddy.

As to the green-card question. If an American marries a foreigner, they are automatically a US citizen. I believe her parents and brothers will have to obtain green-cards, for which he will facilitate.

He has known the family for a couple of years, and has been sending them little care-packages during that time. He flies to this country on a scheduled flight, so contact with the family has been regular and continuous.

I’m told she is very ‘smitten’ with him, and they write frequently. My friend is in top physical condition and is VERY good-looking. He has never had any trouble attracting females of many ages. They met at a festival of some kind at the parish, there. I’m told the family is quite alright with this.

They don’t have ‘dating’ there as we know it here. It is more like courting, and the family is always there. I’ve never asked, but I have to assume that there has never been any ‘hanky-panky’, as it is just not possible with the omnipresent family. Also, I’m told that she is not one to do ‘that’, until marriage.

As for bringing her here before marriage, I don’t believe that is an option, as she wants to stay at home until marriage.

In her town, it is not unusual for nearly all the girls to be married by 18, and over 20 is considered an ‘old-maid’, locally.

Marriage in the Church is similar to here, in that there are pre-cana ‘classes’ of some sort. I’m told the Priest there has no problem with their marriage plans, and is looking forward to a January of February marriage.

Not that it matters much to the sake of this thread, for the age difference is still the same, but she will be 18 in October.
 
40.png
Lilyofthevalley:
Older men held the door open for me, were more mature in their manner and conversation,
😦 An older man usually dates a teen because he can’t get a woman his own age. A teen bean doesn’t expect what an older woman expects from aman.

older men had learned to appreciate women for more than s*x.
:mad: Why ELSE does an older man want to date a teen bean??
Click to expand...
Wow. Your assumptions and derogatory wording is insulting. “Teen bean”? “ELSE”?
I will leave it as e****nough said there.
 
Get mad at me, but I don’t care for this unless she and her family are willing to move to the US for awhile and “test drive” the culture, in their own home, while these two court or date or whatever it is they do in her culture when the man and the woman learn about each other. It bothers me that he has over 30 years on her. He seems to be set in his ways- quite logically, for a man of his years. He’s around my age. Does he have not only the physical stamina, but the mental flexibility, to live out his life with somebody who is still formulating her thoughts and dreams?

And no Cargo, an alien who marries a citizen does NOTget automatic citizenship. They get preference on a permanent visa, but still have to do all the lovely paperwork. If your friend thinks that, he’s wrong. We have several cousins who married alien nationals, Europeans to be sure (Germand and Polish), but the rules still hold for those from Central and South America. Your friend needs to take a trip to Homeland Security and check it out first:
uscis.gov/graphics/index.htm

I must say, though, your friends are certainly interesting. Mine are boring by comparison. You keep writing them up, OK?
 
40.png
OutinChgoburbs:
Get mad at me, but I don’t care for this unless she and her family are willing to move to the US for awhile and “test drive” the culture, in their own home, while these two court or date or whatever it is they do in her culture when the man and the woman learn about each other. It bothers me that he has over 30 years on her. He seems to be set in his ways- quite logically, for a man of his years. He’s around my age. Does he have not only the physical stamina, but the mental flexibility, to live out his life with somebody who is still formulating her thoughts and dreams?

And no Cargo, an alien who marries a citizen does NOTget automatic citizenship. They get preference on a permanent visa, but still have to do all the lovely paperwork. If your friend thinks that, he’s wrong. We have several cousins who married alien nationals, Europeans to be sure (Germand and Polish), but the rules still hold for those from Central and South America. Your friend needs to take a trip to Homeland Security and check it out first:
uscis.gov/graphics/index.htm

I must say, though, your friends are certainly interesting. Mine are boring by comparison. You keep writing them up, OK?
Click to expand...
Oh, I won’t get mad. I’m like to get all these interesting perspectives from everyone.

I’ll just take your word for it on the alien marriage thing.

I’m just glad I’m not single. For the middle aged male OR female, who wishes to find and marry someone who can actually enter a valid, sacramental Catholic marriage, in spite of what everyone says, it’s slim-pickin’s.

And yes, I do have quite a collection of friends. When you’re always ‘on the road’, you can get into some pretty involved conversations…sometimes there’s just not much else to do.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top