Age Difference in Marriage

[cargopilot]

Lilyofthevalley:

Originally Posted by cargopilot
He has dated some, but found himself very disillusioned with the typical American female… He lives in a tiny house, drives a junky old car, and spends every penny like it’s his last. But he makes a LOT of money, and has a HUGE nest-egg.

He’s cheap. Naturally an older American female would’nt buy that.

After his wife died, he couldn’t live in the marital house, anymore. For him, it was just too sad and he just didn’t need all that room. It wasn’t Beverly Hills, but it was a very nice house. FYI, she always had a nice car. Again, it wasn’t any S-class Mercedes, but a very nice safe and comfortable car. As for his car, when I say ‘junker’, I mean it’s a more than 5 year old car. Again, why would someone want to park an expensive car at the airport all the time. You see, things can ‘happen’ to a car that sits in a large airport for days. A plain sedan is less of a ‘target’. So for those who judge my bud to be a ‘cheap-skate’ because he drives an older model boring sedan, please think about what you are saying. Besides, when you’re used to going mach .8 at FL 380, a car is just a car, simply a way to get to the airport.

 

[Lilyofthevalley]

Thank-you, for clearing that up Cargo. When I think junker I think of a B210 or something.

 

[CarolAnnSFO]

cargopilot:

Besides, when you’re used to going mach .8 at FL 380, a car is just a car, simply a way to get to the airport.

That is the absolute truth! I remember from my active flying days, the parade of old, beat-up junkers some of the pilots drove to the airport. Once there, they’d climb into the real transportation – the airplanes. And those were only small Pipers, Cessnas, Beechcrafts, and Mooneys!

**Crazy Internet Junkies Society
**Carrier of the Angelic Sparkles Sprinkle Bag

 

[Princess_Abby]

Um…

Is he planning on retiring early or simply quitting his job? When exactly will a busy pilot have time to set up house with a new wife from a foreign country who is only semi proficient in the language? And when does he plan on dealing with NOT JUST the immigration of his wife, but of his ENTIRE WIFE’S FAMILY? (This is NO small order.) Oh, and setting up the “new business” with them?

Isn’t a pilot gone at LEAST 70% of the week? Or does his schedule go in cycles, where he works like crazy for three weeks and has one week off, etc.?

How is the lonely 17 year old who is barely old enough to drive in this country supposed to deal with an absent husband while transitioning to a new country? No friends except her family from the old country…

I have a business acquaintance who actually married a Russian internet bride. Seriously. He spent hundreds of dollars in phone bills for six months, flew over during his Christmas break to meet her (he’s a teacher, but actually independently wealthy–he inherited millions from his deceased parents and is an only child), flew back at spring break to marry her. He was unable to bring her over to the United States with a visa until November. The visa is also conditional and comes with a weird clause that allows the American spouse to “send 'er back.” They have been married two years but separated this summer. They are remaining married another year, I think, so she can have citizenship status even after they divorce, or she has to go back to Russia.

My “acquaintance” friend is 39 now. He married this girl when he was 37 and she was 21. She grew up in a poor home with an abusive father and a loving mother. She had serious attachment and emotional issues and had an extremely difficult time adjusting to life in America. Jim would spoil her and she came to “expect” it after awhile, which he said slightly took the joy out of doing it for her (which sounds pathetic to me). Jim has what I would call a “savior complex,” meaning he loves “rescuing” people and is a natural caretaker. However he also would go on these endless rants about how American women are so materialistic and once any woman found out how much money he had, they started demanding a ring. He wanted a girl with a very simple life who would be “grateful” for what he could offer her.

Obviously it’s a totally messed up situation and I think it’s more than bizarre. But because it was so interesting, I enjoyed hearing his “updates” when I would go visit clients (kids) at his school. He called me a few months ago and said it was the biggest mistake of his life and “thank God for the pre-nup.” He listed all sorts of issues, detailing how much the dynamic of the relationship (the power imbalance) trickled down into every aspect (and i mean EVERY aspect) of their life.

When she first arrived, he said it was a wonderful, blissful happiness and the elation of “finally” things being done. (He had to get three different immigration lawyers to make things happen.) However, that soon wore off… She simply was never his equal in any way, shape or form, and finally the lack of normalcy has torn them apart.

This situation has red flag all over it…

HOWEVER.

ANOTHER relationship I’ve been exposed to is that of a Columbian housekeeper of another old client of mine. Her American husband met her at a local bazaar in Columbia and they “fell in love at first sight,” supposedly. It took them exactly one year to get her visa and then they finally married in America. He visited three times in the interim. They’ve been married for seven years and honestly she’s madly in love with her husband. He is also one of the nicest men I’ve ever met. There is also an age difference…she’s 35 and he is 60. This is her first marriage and his third. They are the type who are still “on their honeymoon,” giggling over each other and hugging/kissing at every opportunity. BUT, she was in her late twenties when she met him. Not a 17 year old girl…

 

[cargopilot]

CarolAnnSFO:

But on the other hand, at least he won’t be bothered by golddiggers who are only after his money. If you fall in love with someone, and then find out he has lots of money, that’s just icing on the cake (assuming he’s ever willing to spend any of it ). But if the money is the primary or only factor in the “attraction”, then it’s just not enough.

Well, I’m a little too old to have children, but at least I’m not divorced.

I understand, as I’ve walked my entire adult life in those shoes.

Slim Pickins, proud member of:
Crazy Internet Junkies Society
Carrier of the Angelic Sparkles Sprinkle Bag

Howdy, Slim.

Since you’re not divorced, do you find that the divorced men that you meet, somehow happen to be less than what you would want in a husband? I suppose what I mean is, do you feel that you, as a person who is single, never divorced, are worth more than a divorcee? Obviously, you appreciate the fact that we Catholics are forbidden to marry someone who is after all, still married. We simply don’t (or shouldn’t) do that.

Now, I’m not lookin’, but my bud has, and he will testify that while there is no shortage of potential mates, both Catholic and non-Catholic, who are divorced and ready and willing, but UNABLE to marry in the Church. He wild-guesses that a Catholic female who is ready, willing and ABLE to marry in the Church to be less than one in a thousand.

Many posters on this thread seem to be under the impression that there are scads of eligible mates everywhere, who are ready, willing and ABLE to marry in the Church. With that in mind, you, who have walked that mile, could you verify the acute scarcity of the pool of potential mates in certain age brackets?

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I have an interest in this, not just because Cargo has some of the most interesting friends I ever met second-hand, but because my dear aunt married at 17- to a man who was not quite 30. He was the love of her life, he helped raise me, and he died much too soon. She married somebody else after his passing, but it isn’t the same- and as nice a man as he is, he is not Unc. She still misses Unc to this day.

My grandparents rented an apartment from his parents. She grew up, he noticed, she noticed, they waited for her to finish high school, they got married.

Would I have a thing or two to say if it was my daughter? YOU BET, esp. since I have two beautiful grandchildren to consider. I think I made my objections pretty clear.

But I also know it can work.

 

[cargopilot]

OK, now I’m just dyin’ to know this. What if the sexes of the players were reversed?

What if my buddy were a great lookin’, rich, etc. 40ish widow, and the young Latina was a young Latino, instead?

Would she be called some of the things I’ve seen on this thread? Would she be reminded that are just tons of men her own age that can marry in the Church, if she just weren’t some kind of defect?

I have to assume that men in the 30 to 50 year age bracket who can marry in the Church are also very, very rare indeed. Or are they as common as all those females some posters say my buddy should be pursuing?

 

[Princess_Abby]

cargopilot:

OK, now I’m just dyin’ to know this. What if the sexes of the players were reversed?

What if my buddy were a great lookin’, rich, etc. 40ish widow, and the young Latina was a young Latino, instead?

Would she be called some of the things I’ve seen on this thread? Would she be reminded that are just tons of men her own age that can marry in the Church, if she just weren’t some kind of defect?

I have to assume that men in the 30 to 50 year age bracket who can marry in the Church are also very, very rare indeed. Or are they as common as all those females some posters say my buddy should be pursuing?

Go peruse www.catholicmatch.com

I have increasingly heard of it’s success again and again in the last several months. YES, there are plenty of available American Catholics.

 

[cargopilot]

Princess_Abby:

Go peruse www.catholicmatch.com

I have increasingly heard of it’s success again and again in the last several months. YES, there are plenty of available American Catholics.

Sure, if you’re 20, but I’m told that for the 40ish ‘old-timers’, by the time you weed out the youngsters, divorcees and the ‘gonna get my anullment’ wannabe’s, you’re down to the same slim-pickins. Since I don’t need it, I haven’t tried it, but that’s what I’m told. Thanx for the tip, though.

 

[carol_marie]

cargopilot:

OK, now I’m just dyin’ to know this. What if the sexes of the players were reversed?

What if my buddy were a great lookin’, rich, etc. 40ish widow, and the young Latina was a young Latino, instead?

Would she be called some of the things I’ve seen on this thread? Would she be reminded that are just tons of men her own age that can marry in the Church, if she just weren’t some kind of defect?

I have to assume that men in the 30 to 50 year age bracket who can marry in the Church are also very, very rare indeed. Or are they as common as all those females some posters say my buddy should be pursuing?

CP,
I would have a problem w/ that as well… a 40 something year old woman with a very young Latin man. Although truth be told… as an almost 40 something year old woman myself… for some reason that senerio makes me smile just a bit…

 

[Princess_Abby]

cargopilot:

Sure, if you’re 20, but I’m told that for the 40ish ‘old-timers’, by the time you weed out the youngsters, divorcees and the ‘gonna get my anullment’ wannabe’s, you’re down to the same slim-pickins. Since I don’t need it, I haven’t tried it, but that’s what I’m told. Thanx for the tip, though.

That is completely untrue. A good friend of mine knows one of the three owners of the site. I think it’s unreasonable to dismiss a suggestion on hearsay without even trying. Your friend would have soooooooooooo many options to choose from. It also indicates if a person is never married, divorced, annulled, etc… so he could make his choices in his search criteria.

 

[Siena]

cargopilot:

I have to assume that men in the 30 to 50 year age bracket who can marry in the Church are also very, very rare indeed. Or are they as common as all those females some posters say my buddy should be pursuing?

RARE!!! My (anulled) mom finally gave up “looking” for a nice, available, catholic man who wasn’t interested in getting into her pants on a 1st date! (yuck!) She is now 50, and my dad left 11 yrs. ago.

They 'aint out there ladies!!!

 

[Tasha]

Well cargopilot,

I think all’s that is left now is for you to pray for your buddy. He sounds like a wonderful man that deserves all good things. And he’s fortunate to have YOU as a friend. Pray for his happiness, no matter how that happiness shows up.

Stranger things have happened…to me, for one.
I am a “40-something” grandmother, divorced, (annulment coming soon) and my happiness turned up in a “20-something”, never been married, no children, very little dating experience, etc. Catholic man. He’s asked me to marry him and I thought I would never, EVER consider something this outrageous. He turned up at a very difficult time in my life. I was praying so hard at the time. I needed some divine assistance but I didn’t expect it to show up like THIS!

We’ve taken into consideration all the problems that may occur due to our age difference and we’re willing to deal with those possible problems. So you see my initial interest in this thread…

Keep praying!

Tasha

 

[CarolAnnSFO]

cargopilot:

I suppose what I mean is, do you feel that you, as a person who is single, never divorced, are worth more than a divorcee?

No, I don’t think I’m worth more than a divorcee. I know many very fine people who just happen to be divorced, and the reasons for the divorces don’t necessarily reflect badly upon their character. Of course, unless a divorced man already has an annullment, then he isn’t even dating/courtship material in my book, much less marriage material.

Regarding the “shortage”, and this is only from my experience, but the shortage is on the male side. Once you get past babyhood, there are more females than males in the population in the first place. From what I’ve seen, men who are divorced or widowed, don’t stay that way for long. That plus the tendency of men to put much greater emphasis on physical appearance than a woman would, ensure that it’s the marriageable men that are in short supply (for we older women).

I know lots of women like myself – never married, and definitely able to be married in the Catholic Church. Why aren’t we snapped up? Because men our age are looking for young women (maybe because they want more children, but that isn’t always the reason). Or they are looking for beauty queens (“trophies”), and my unmarried "buds"and I maybe aren’t so thin or pretty (regardless of how beautiful the inside is). So if you are talking about “drop-dead gorgeous, slim women who can still have children”, then yes, the pickings might be quite scarce in the 40+ age category. Likewise, I find there is a huge shortage of men who are eligible to marry in the Church, and actually want a 50+ gal who doesn’t look like a Hollywood heartthrob.

Regarding the Catholic dating web sites, I gave up on them. In addition to not being movie-star gorgeous, I am horribly, horribly unphotogenic – and any site where meeting men will be based on having them like my profile picture is a doomed lost cause.

Not to mention all the men I’ve seen on some sites who answer the question “Are you able to be married in the Catholic Church” with a “No”. :bigyikes: Then why are they on a dating website?

Slim Pickins, “One in a Thousand”
Crazy Internet Junkies Society
Carrier of the Angelic Sparkles Sprinkle Bag

 

[Princess_Abby]

CarolAnnSFO:

No, I don’t think I’m worth more than a divorcee. I know many very fine people who just happen to be divorced, and the reasons for the divorces don’t necessarily reflect badly upon their character. Of course, unless a divorced man already has an annullment, then he isn’t even dating/courtship material in my book, much less marriage material.

Regarding the “shortage”, and this is only from my experience, but the shortage is on the male side. Once you get past babyhood, there are more females than males in the population in the first place. From what I’ve seen, men who are divorced or widowed, don’t stay that way for long. That plus the tendency of men to put much greater emphasis on physical appearance than a woman would, ensure that it’s the marriageable men that are in short supply (for we older women).

I know lots of women like myself – never married, and definitely able to be married in the Catholic Church. Why aren’t we snapped up? Because men our age are looking for young women (maybe because they want more children, but that isn’t always the reason). Or they are looking for beauty queens (“trophies”), and my unmarried "buds"and I maybe aren’t so thin or pretty (regardless of how beautiful the inside is). So if you are talking about “drop-dead gorgeous, slim women who can still have children”, then yes, the pickings might be quite scarce in the 40+ age category. Likewise, I find there is a huge shortage of men who are eligible to marry in the Church, and actually want a 50+ gal who doesn’t look like a Hollywood heartthrob.

Regarding the Catholic dating web sites, I gave up on them. In addition to not being movie-star gorgeous, I am horribly, horribly unphotogenic – and any site where meeting men will be based on having them like my profile picture is a doomed lost cause.

Not to mention all the men I’ve seen on some sites who answer the question “Are you able to be married in the Catholic Church” with a “No”. :bigyikes: Then why are they on a dating website?

Slim Pickins, “One in a Thousand”
Crazy Internet Junkies Society
Carrier of the Angelic Sparkles Sprinkle Bag

I just want to say that I always notice your posts and you have such a compassionate, kind soul that simply glows, even from your typed words. Regardless of how unphotogenic you may (or may not) be, you are among the few “truly beautiful” people out there in the world.

I would ALSO say… that you do not have to post a picture on those websites. In fact, some of the more physically beautiful people I happen to know who have tried these sites do NOT post pictures, because they do NOT want people “loving” them for their physical attractiveness. They want to fall in love with a person’s SOUL. Obviously, at some point, you have to show a picture or agree to meet someone, but there are men out there who truly do want to meet a woman with a remarkable soul, not a remarkable body.

But, it doesn’t sound like you’re exactly heartbroken about this. If you feel confident that being called to the single vocation is what God has in mind for you, then that is great.

 

[CarolAnnSFO]

Princess_Abby, thank you for your kind words!

I never thought of going onto those web sites without a photo – the instructions always say that your chances of getting “hits” are much better with a photo.

Princess_Abby:

But, it doesn’t sound like you’re exactly heartbroken about this. If you feel confident that being called to the single vocation is what God has in mind for you, then that is great.

I’m not sure I’m called to the single vocation; I’m still asking God about it. In any event you’re right, I’m not heartbroken about it – when it comes to this sort of thing, I’ve always been a late bloomer, so I figure there’s still time. Since God’s power knows no bounds, I will trust Him to put the right man in my path if I’m meant to be married. I’m involved in plenty of activities, and am definitely not a hermit, so there are ample occasions God can use to send the guy to me.

Slim Pickins, “One in a Thousand”
Crazy Internet Junkies Society
Carrier of the Angelic Sparkles Sprinkle Bag

 

[Mom_of_5]

As Dr. Laura sez, “Love isn’t enough”!!! There is MUCH more involved, all of which we have discussed on this thread. I know of a beautiful 42 yr. old Catholic gal looking for the right man. She has friends in the same boat. I think you friend spends too much time out of the country.

Love and peace

Mom

 

[cargopilot]

CarolAnnSFO:

No, I don’t think I’m worth more than a divorcee. I know many very fine people who just happen to be divorced, and the reasons for the divorces don’t necessarily reflect badly upon their character. Of course, unless a divorced man already has an annullment, then he isn’t even dating/courtship material in my book, much less marriage material…

Slim Pickins, “One in a Thousand”
Crazy Internet Junkies Society
Carrier of the Angelic Sparkles Sprinkle Bag

Howdy Slim,

You really do have a much nicer way of putting things than I do. I believe you captured the gist of what I was saying, but put it in a much clearer, far more charitable way.

You really do seem to be one in a thousand.

 

[CarolAnnSFO]

cargopilot:

Howdy Slim,

You really do have a much nicer way of putting things than I do. I believe you captured the gist of what I was saying, but put it in a much clearer, far more charitable way.

You really do seem to be one in a thousand.

Aw, shucks.

Crazy Internet Junkies Society
Carrier of the Angelic Sparkles Sprinkle Bag

 

[otm]

Lilyofthevalley:

Mom, I disagree with you. A mature 17/18 yr old is better able to be a wife and mother than most 27 yr olds running around here nowadays. I am 30, married and started having kids at 21, and MOST of my college friends are still unmarried, living with someone, and/or seeking out their own “selfish” persuits. I found new friends through my kids CATHOLIC school, but most, if not ALL of them are either divorced and remarried (w/o annulments), and using ABC’s in marriage

Frankly Mom is correct a 17/18 year old is not ready to be a wife or mom in today’s culture. Also a mature 17/18 year old would be very disgusted by a 40+ year old man’s interest.

You are forgetting, it would seem, that she is not in “this culture”; she is, from the post, in a culture where a 17 yr. old is as mature, or more so, than many women here in their late 20’s. The death rate in central American countries is way higher than hea; people dowb there simply are not living until their 80s. She is in a culture where it is not at all unusual for a girl of 17 to be married and having a second child.

The problem isn’t so much her as it is him. He does not sound, from cargo’s posts, to have gotten on a stable footing since his wife’s death. He sounds infatuated, on top of that, and living in some sort of dream world.