Age Difference in Marriage

[Miss_Piggy]

My brother-in-law married a young girl from China. She was attending community college and working at a Chinese restaurant that he frequented. Having been raised in China, she was very mature for her age and thought the American boys her age were immature and undesirable. Having no family here, she was very lonely, and after they began dating, his extended family was a great comfort to her. GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?!! THEY GOT MARRIED AND TEN YEARS LATER WHEN SHE BECAME MORE SECURE, AN AMERICAN CITIZEN AND MORE AMERICANIZED, SHE LEFT HIM!! He was getting older and wanting children, she was just getting started in her career. He was getting older and experiences health problems, and she was wanting to be carefree. The romance had worn off. She couldn’t relate to his friends or his background, and although she still liked his relatives, she no longer was emotionally dependent upon them. Is that how you want your friend to end up? Now he’s probably wasted whatever hope he had of finding someone his own age and having children with her. Tell him to wait and keep looking. You’re not going to find Miss Right until you get Miss Wrong out of your mind and out of the picture.

 

[cargopilot]

Miss Piggy:

My brother-in-law married a young girl from China. She was attending community college and working at a Chinese restaurant that he frequented. Having been raised in China, she was very mature for her age and thought the American boys her age were immature and undesirable. Having no family here, she was very lonely, and after they began dating, his extended family was a great comfort to her. GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?!! THEY GOT MARRIED AND TEN YEARS LATER WHEN SHE BECAME MORE SECURE, AN AMERICAN CITIZEN AND MORE AMERICANIZED, SHE LEFT HIM!! He was getting older and wanting children, she was just getting started in her career. He was getting older and experiences health problems, and she was wanting to be carefree. The romance had worn off. She couldn’t relate to his friends or his background, and although she still liked his relatives, she no longer was emotionally dependent upon them. Is that how you want your friend to end up? Now he’s probably wasted whatever hope he had of finding someone his own age and having children with her. Tell him to wait and keep looking. You’re not going to find Miss Right until you get Miss Wrong out of your mind and out of the picture.

Hi Miss Piggy,

I could tell him whatever I wanted, but he’s gonna do what he wants. Really, I have no say in the matter of who’s Miss Right or Wrong, I’m just a friend.

Was your brother-in-law and his Chinese wife Catholic? If so, were they both quite firm about marrying in the Church, and then did so? Could your brother-in-law fluently speak Chinese?

I want to believe that two faithful Catholics, who marry in the Church, have at least a slightly better chance of marital success, than mixed-faith or no-faith marriages, even if it is between a Latina and a ‘gringo’.

 

[manualman]

While I find the whole idea somewhat repulsive, I can at least concede that it may be somewhat cultural.

Because of this, my advice to this friend would be to try to get his flight schedule setup such that this South American destination is his ‘home’ for a year. Go a-courtin’.

After the year is up, make a decision. But strongly consider whether is might not be in the best interest of a successful marriage for Him to move THERE. Not the other way around.

Her moving here places huge cultural barriers in the way. If he REALLY loves her, the best chance for the marriage should come before nationalism or cultural preference. If he doesn’t love her enough to live there instead of here, that ought to tell him something…

Any South American town big enough to receive regular international flights has a section of town nice enough for a wealthy, but frugal American to live quite comfortably. One could even make the argument that to spend some of that income down there and spread it around the local economy is downright charitable.

 

[cargopilot]

manualman:

While I find the whole idea somewhat repulsive, I can at least concede that it may be somewhat cultural.

Because of this, my advice to this friend would be to try to get his flight schedule setup such that this South American destination is his ‘home’ for a year. Go a-courtin’.

After the year is up, make a decision. But strongly consider whether is might not be in the best interest of a successful marriage for Him to move THERE. Not the other way around.

Her moving here places huge cultural barriers in the way. If he REALLY loves her, the best chance for the marriage should come before nationalism or cultural preference. If he doesn’t love her enough to live there instead of here, that ought to tell him something…

Any South American town big enough to receive regular international flights has a section of town nice enough for a wealthy, but frugal American to live quite comfortably. One could even make the argument that to spend some of that income down there and spread it around the local economy is downright charitable.

Hey manualman,

You’ve really got a good idea there, and I think he has implemented at least some of them, now.

The only problem is the company, flight training, AME’s (Doctors), maintenance and the airplanes are all here. He has managed to wiggle into flights that get him there as much as possible, but that’s about as far as he can take it, as far as the company is concerned.

As far as I’m concerned, yours is the best idea, yet.

 

[Miss_Piggy]

cargopilot:

Hi Miss Piggy,

I could tell him whatever I wanted, but he’s gonna do what he wants. Really, I have no say in the matter of who’s Miss Right or Wrong, I’m just a friend.

Was your brother-in-law and his Chinese wife Catholic? If so, were they both quite firm about marrying in the Church, and then did so? Could your brother-in-law fluently speak Chinese?

I want to believe that two faithful Catholics, who marry in the Church, have at least a slightly better chance of marital success, than mixed-faith or no-faith marriages, even if it is between a Latina and a ‘gringo’.

My brother-in-law was raised Catholic, but rejected it after he began pursuing a degree in psychology. His Chinese wife never gave any indication of having any religious beliefs. It was interesting to talk to her about her views on raising children. After having come to America and after having seen American youth, she was convinced that the Chinese way of conformity and de-emphasizing the individual was superior. They were married by a judge in his parents’ living room. Even though he has not embraced the faith, I have seen him come around to believing that maybe previous generations weren’t so unelightened as the psychiatric world might have him think. I just keep praying for his conversion. Of course, you are right–you can’t tell anyone what to do.

 

[Peace-bwu]

cargopilot:

A long-time friend lost his wife some time ago. Today, he still grieves. He still can’t talk about her without choking up. Throughout their marriage, she had always had health problems and they never had any children survive the pregnancy. Except for his friends, he’s all alone.

He has dated some, but found himself very disillusioned with the typical American female. Qualities he desired and found in his deceased wife are very difficult to find, for a guy who is fourty-something. He wants a good old-fashioned, faithful Catholic female who is eligible for marriage. He also wants kids, very, very much. The problem is, in his view, the good ones are already married, or just not his ‘type’.

He is fluent in Spanish, and flies into Central and South America many times per year. There, he met a girl who he is quite smitten with. He talks about her constantly. She is, of course, Catholic.

The problem is, she’s seventeen and he’s deep in his fourties. He could EASILY be her Dad. And she’s foreign. He is very concerned about the scandalous nature of marrying somone who is so much younger than he is. She is, by American standards, very poor, very foreign, very average looking and very young.

He lives in a tiny house, drives a junky old car, and spends every penny like it’s his last. But he makes a LOT of money, and has a HUGE nest-egg. For her, it would be the true rags-to-riches story.

Others have said that’s wierd, and worse. I say, ‘Go for it’, who cares about the others. What would you say, if he were your friend? Would you accept or reject someone like that in your parish? Would you consider this relationship to be scandalous?

I agree, as long as they are both genuinely happy and ready to be married. I know alot of military men who didn’t have much luck finding a typical American woman who fell in love over seas. It is highly common in my world. Many of the men have wives who are ten or more years younger.

 

[Al_Masetti]

I’m going to camoflage this answer… but I know someone who actually did this – marry someone half their age. Cultural differences and language differences, also.

Ended up losing the house, bank account, stocks, personal files and records, and so deep in debt they can’t see daylight. Even the judge asked, “why did you do this???” “what were you thinking?”

 

[Al_Masetti]

I got to thinking about this again. There is some argument that could be made for marriage candidates getting some kind of marriage counseling, before marriage.

Some friends have had nice things to say about eHarmony.com and others about a Catholic on-line marriage-oriented Web site (www.avemaria.com – if I recall correctly). Marriage candidates could arrange for some kind of screening through those auspices. There are a variety of compatibility tests that can be administered by an experienced marriage counsellor.

 

[Al_Masetti]

It’s www.avemariasingles.com

Sorry about that.

 

[stanley123]

The problem I see with marrying an American woman is that many of them that I have talked to, do not fully accept the teaching of the RCC on ABC. Some want to delay the birth of children after getting married, while others want to space out their children using the pill. As I understand it, willful exclusion of children could be used later on to get the marriage annulled.
Willful exclusion of children (Canon 1101, sec. 2)
You or your spouse married intending, either explicitly or implicitly, to deny the other’s right to sexual acts open to procreation.
If a male were to get involved with an American Catholic who rejects the teaching of the RCC on ABC, could that not be used against him later on to indicate that he was not serious about this issue also?
If a man can find a woman from South America who is observant of the teachings of the RCC, and who loves children, then it seems that he should be praised for this. As far as the age or cultural differences are concerned, I would recommend giving it a bit more time. Also, the husband might want to consider the possibility of relocating to South America and establishing himself there with his new wife and her family.

 

[antiaphrodite]

you say your friend is still grieving for his wife. i think he should work that out first; no offense intended at all.

 

[cargopilot]

stanley123:

The problem I see with marrying an American woman is that many of them that I have talked to, do not fully accept the teaching of the RCC on ABC…

…If a man can find a woman from South America who is observant of the teachings of the RCC, and who loves children, then it seems that he should be praised for this…

BINGO!

You really hit the nail on the head. ABC isn’t the only thing many American women reject about the Church. Now, before I get blasted, I’m not giving American men a free pass on this, either. Oh, no. Not by a long shot, but my friend isn’t interested in marrying one of them.http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon10.gif

 

[cargopilot]

antiaphrodite:

you say your friend is still grieving for his wife. i think he should work that out first; no offense intended at all.

And none is taken.http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon12.gif

You have a good point, and I, along with others, have mentioned that to him.

His response is, “It’s been five years. How long is long enough?” and “I’m lonely, and I want a wife and kids. I don’t want to wait any longer. I’m still just young enough to have both.”

How do you argue with that? Honestly, my heart goes out to him. On the one hand, he loves her and he sees the possibility of having a wife and family, just within his grasp, but the price will be scorn and ridicule from the throngs of judgemental people, everywhere. On the other hand, he can remain single and lonely, but save himself from the torment of society. It’s a tough choice.

 

[antiaphrodite]

cargopilot:

And none is taken.http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon12.gif

You have a good point, and I, along with others, have mentioned that to him.

His response is, “It’s been five years. How long is long enough?” and “I’m lonely, and I want a wife and kids. I don’t want to wait any longer. I’m still just young enough to have both.”

How do you argue with that? Honestly, my heart goes out to him. On the one hand, he loves her and he sees the possibility of having a wife and family, just within his grasp, but the price will be scorn and ridicule from the throngs of judgemental people, everywhere. On the other hand, he can remain single and lonely, but save himself from the torment of society. It’s a tough choice.

i don’t really see the five years as “long enough” or not. my problem is the fact that it has been five years, yet he still gets choked up when he talks about his first wife. what does that mean?

you first posted a month ago. how is he now? how are they?

i don’t know your friend or the girl, so this is just my very limited opinion . it just sounds to me that he’s very lonely, misses his wife terribly, and that his loneliness his is first reason for wanting to get married. if that is so, i’m afraid of what will happen after the wedding, when everyday life sets in. are they both strong enough to overcome the problems they will surely encounter? will their love be strong enough?

personally i think public scorn would be the least of their problems. most problems in marriage begin and end with the couple themselves. she’s 17. he will have a different relationship with her from that of his first wife. it might (i’m pretty sure it will) be more difficult than he thinks. can he handle that?

and what about in ten years’ time? he’ll be fifty-plus, and his wife will be twenty-seven. guys younger than her will be hovering around. can he handle that too? is he sure he’s not setting himself up for more sadness in the end?

i’m sorry if i sound mean. we’re praying for them both.

 

[cargopilot]

You’re not sounding mean, you’re just pointing toward potential problems.http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon10.gif

Not that it makes much difference, but she’s eighteen now and finished with school. They’re still in constant communication.

About his lonliness, you could be right, but I don’t know. He has had numerous opportunities to get married in the last five years. Shortly after his wife died he mentioned something about " females coming out of the woodwork." He knew it wasn’t right, so he didn’t persue many of them.

Yeah, it’s hard to get around the math. Even though he’s far more fit than guys much younger, age still takes it’s toll.

As for younger guys hovering around, well, let me just say I’m glad he’s on my side. Also, hmmm, how can I put this without getting my tail kicked…He has found beauty in her that many others just can’t see. Her beauty is on the inside. She’s just a plain, average girl, who’s a little on the heavy side. I don’t anticipate too many ‘poachers’.

I don’t know how this will all play out. I’m glad to see my bud happy. He hasn’t been this way for a long time.

 

[deb1]

I have come across so many single women in their early thirties that complain that there are no good Christian men available in their age range, that I am surprised that he couldn’t find a spouse here in America.

Yet, I am not going to judge him. Perhaps, he and this young lady really do love one another. It is possible that, despite the age difference, that they were made for one another.

I think that it is a good idea for him to bring her and her family to the U.S for a visit. Also, I believe that he should wait until she is 18, then he can at least say that she is of a legal age. It might be a good idea for him to encourage her to take her G.E.D. Granted that a person with the equivilant of a high school education is not considered well educated, but it would make the relationship seem a little less one sided. It also gives her the opportunity to recieve some further education, if she so chooses.

If they attended my church, I would certainly not shun either of them. I would give them the benefit of the doubt. Any concern that I had would evaporate if they both acted as if they loved and respected one another.

My one big concern is all the advantages that her family seems to recieve from their possible union. I would worry that an unfair amount of pressure is being placed on the young lady to wed your friend.

 

[Katie1723]

cargopilot:

…As for younger guys hovering around, well, let me just say I’m glad he’s on my side. Also, hmmm, how can I put this without getting my tail kicked…He has found beauty in her that many others just can’t see. Her beauty is on the inside. She’s just a plain, average girl, who’s a little on the heavy side. I don’t anticipate too many ‘poachers’.

I don’t know how this will all play out. I’m glad to see my bud happy. He hasn’t been this way for a long time.

This issue seems to come up a lot. It’s as if to say “don’t worry. no one else wants her” That’s an awful thing to say! And if it wasn’t your intention, why bring it up??
~ Kathy ~

 

[deb1]

cargopilot:

Not that it makes much difference, but she’s eighteen now and finished with school. They’re still in constant communication.

.

So sorry. I thought that this was a new thread. I didn’t read every single post so I missed that she had finished her high school education. My last post about getting her G.E.D should be ignored.

 

[cargopilot]

Katie1723:

This issue seems to come up a lot. It’s as if to say “don’t worry. no one else wants her” That’s an awful thing to say! And if it wasn’t your intention, why bring it up??
~ Kathy ~

Hi Kathy,

You’re right. It was a poor way for me to word that, and with some thought, I could’ve found a better way to put it, or I could’ve just not offered any answer to that question. It was a reply to a previous poster’s comment that my ol’ buddy would be facing a lot of younger guys ‘hitting’ on her, and how would he be able to deal with that.

I’m well aware that many of my male brethren wrongly value a female’s physical attributes over and above their inner qualities. I will be the first to admit that outer beauty is, in the long run, fleeting, and that we should endevour to look past that to find qualities that are infinitely more worthy in the long run.

I appreciate you pointing out my less than charitable way of answering that previous poster’s question, and you’re criticism is humbly accepted.http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon11.gif

 

[antiaphrodite]

cargopilot:

You’re not sounding mean, you’re just pointing toward potential problems.http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon10.gif

thank you! i must say, it’s refreshing not having my head bitten off when “pointing towards potential problems”

cargopilot:

About his lonliness, you could be right, but I don’t know. He has had numerous opportunities to get married in the last five years. Shortly after his wife died he mentioned something about " females coming out of the woodwork." He knew it wasn’t right, so he didn’t persue many of them.

well, i don’t know your friend. but i do know people who got into a marriage/relationship thinking the same things your friend is now, who ended up worse than they were when they were single.

cargopilot:

Yeah, it’s hard to get around the math. Even though he’s far more fit than guys much younger, age still takes it’s toll.

precisely.

personally, i think wider-than-usual age gaps can make relationships interesting. however, i also think there is such a thing as…er, too wide. in this case, i’m afraid the disparity will be just a plain old stumbling block.

cargopilot:

As for younger guys hovering around, well, let me just say I’m glad he’s on my side. Also, hmmm, how can I put this without getting my tail kicked…He has found beauty in her that many others just can’t see. Her beauty is on the inside. She’s just a plain, average girl, who’s a little on the heavy side. I don’t anticipate too many ‘poachers’.

i understand what you mean. and yep, i read your above post.

like i said, it may not be much of a deal now, but once the situation is actually happening, things have a strange way of making a big difference.

cargopilot:

I don’t know how this will all play out. I’m glad to see my bud happy. He hasn’t been this way for a long time.

neither do i. and who doesn’t want their friends to be happy? i guess all i can say now is we’re praying for them both. (and for you too, of course!)