Am I too jealous of his ex? Please help

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I still think it’s inappropriate. My initial concern wasn’t about the holidays but was about how much alone time he was spending with her. I’d handle the situation carefully b/c from what I gather I don’t think he thinks he is doing anything wrong- and my assumption is that he isn’t intentionally trying to make you jealous. However, maybe you should put the shoe on the other foot and ask him how he would feel if you were spending lots of time with a former boyfriend.

Also… when I invite friends over to my parent’s house I don’t offer to come pick them up- that sounds waaaaay to “date-ish” to me.
 
Still totally inappropriate, an evening or a week, close or far. If it was truly a “just old friends thing,” he would gladly include you; in fact, he would probably even prefer it for the sake of not giving this other girl any wrong ideas.

WRONG WRONG WRONG- Dump him!

Does anyone else think this thread is starting to sound like a reality TV show where a bunch of onlookers determine the fate of some pitiful boyfriend?? 😛
 
He obviously still longs for some kind of connection with his ex. If it were just platonic, you should be able to go along. I think you deserve something better than this.

Was he sexually active with this ex.? If they were dating for four years, why didn’t they marry?
 
Not that you need another opinion saying the same thing, but I must agree with just about everyone else on this post. I know some people who have the same attitude as your boyfriend, one of my husband’s friends being one of them. This character actually walked around at his own wedding with his arm around another girl who was his “long time friend” from school, leaving his bride to talk to “her own friends” at the reception. :eek: You don’t want that to happen to you at your wedding do you? Either his actions need to stop immediately or you need to get out of that relationship. After all, does he plan to continue his weekly 3 hours with this woman after you’re married?
 
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applepie:
Hi all

My boyfriend is very close to his ex-girlfriend. They dated for more than 4 years and broke up very amiably about** a year ago. **

My boyfriend continues to meet his ex once a week, just the 2 of them. They have dinner and then go along to their parish prayer group. They spend about 3 hours exclusive time together, apart from the time they spend with others at the prayer group. I am not invited along cos he feels it would be awkward having us both there together and also because it would be difficult for her. Plus, I live a bit away so I would be going out of my way to meet them.

My boyfriend has told me that he has no romantic feelings for his ex at all. He said that he has a very strong friendship with her due to the amount of time they were together as a couple. He has told me that I am the only person that he has romantic feelings for and that I should not feel worried about his friendship with his ex.

While I fully believe him about not having any romantic feelings for his ex, I really don’t like him meeting up with his ex on an exclusive basis so often. I asked him would he consider inviting some of the other members of the prayer group along to their dinner but he said that it wouldn’t be the same thing as they couldn’t talk properly in a group. My fear is that there is an ongoing emotional bond between them that is inappropriate. I would not mind them meeting up occasionally but this is more.

My first question is this - do you think that this is something I should really ask to be changed or is it something that I should just learn to get over?

My second question is this - i just found out that he is bringing his ex back to his family house in a weeks time to meet his family again. Obviously I’m not invited. I got quite a shock. Should this not stop when he starts courting somebody else?

Any advice gratefully received. Sorry for rambling!
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Apple pie, the highlighted parts alone from your post above make it clear to whom your boyfriend is loyal. They broke up A YEAR AGO and he still needs to see her every week? You, his would-be fiancee, are not even given the courtesy of an invitation to attend, because he doesn’t want HER to feel awkward?

You keep posting more info to clarify, but really, it seems crystal clear to everyone here but you that she is #1.

Courtship is about discerning whether or not we are called to marry each other. How do we discern that? Answer: by taking the time to watch for clues that your boyfriend is someone worthy of your total and complete fidelity and commitment until one of you dies. He’s giving you plenty of clues. Are you brave enough to recognize them as such?
 
Vluvski–😛

I must say, I agree with all here.

Please pick up the book His Needs, Her Needs from the library by Harley. THAT is how a relationship is supposed to work. He’s treating her the way he SHOULD be treating you. And if he doesn’t comprehend this, he is at a big risk for being one of the 1 in 2 men who are sexually active OUTSIDE of their marriages. I tell you, it starts like this. Alone time. Personal sharing. Emotional closeness. Mmm, mmm, mmm. :tsktsk: You’ve got a CLASSIC case of it that just fell into your lap. Let her have him. You deserve better.

Seriously, check out that book. It’s an easy read. The beginning with the love bank, radical honesty, and emotional bonding part is the best.
 
You, my sister in Christ, deserve a loving, Catholic man who has no other woman in his life except for the Blessed Virgin Mary. He should respect his own mother but be ready to cleave to his spouse. This man is not - and he is showing you disrespect.
 
I knew to get out of a relationship with a devout catholic boyfriend when all he seemed to talk about was his ex girlfriend who was 500 miles away. It’s a good thing he did this because that’s when I decided to give my now-husband another chance… 25 yrs later, I thank God for opening my eyes to something that seemed “fishy”.
 
As one of the few on this list who feel men and women can be friends with the opposite sex, even when they are married - I advise you to end this relationship. My husband would never have a female friend where I was not included in the friendship, and vice versa. Never ever EVER.

I have male friends that I’ve know all my life - longer than I’ve known my husband. As soon as my DH and I were dating, he met all of them and was invited/included in ever get together we had.

Run.
 
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applepie:
Hi all - thanks for all your replies.

I just want to clarify one thing, maybe it was unclear in my original post.

He is not taking her home for the holidays. He is taking her there in a weeks time, but only for an evening. She will have dinner in his house presumably and will chat to his parents and brothers and sisters who she got close to when they were dating. That’s it, but I think it’s still too much.

Would you all agree? Are your comments based on the incorrect assumption that he was taking her home for the holidays? (I fully agree that if this was the case, it would be completely unacceptable - no doubt there!). Or would you comment differently now knowing that it’s only for an evening, not the holidays?

On his side, he has known this girl a long time and I have only started courting him fairly recently. Should I expect him to end their very close relationship just because he’s met me? My gut feeling is that they shouldn’t be meeting up exclusively, particularly as often as they do (once a week). And neither should he be taking her home for an evening to meet his family? What do you think?
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Apple pie…you should be the apple of his eye right now. 😉

I do not necessarily think you should automatically dump him…but step back and withdrawl from exclusive dating. Give him a chance to realize that this is unfair…he is expecting you to see him and no one else, while he is in affect “dating” you and his ex-girlfriend. Explain to him that this is how you see it. He is picking her up on a weekly basis, and going on a date…men and women cannot be “just friends”. Do not be mean about it…it is just a matter of fact. “His name here, I really like you a lot, but I can clearly see that you are still emotionally involved with, her name here, and I want to give you time to figure out what you want, and so I think it is best if we date other people for the time being…because…You Are Already!” You don’t have to put that last part in…that was me feeling angry for you 😃

You are still single, and able to date as you please. Get busy! Go out with friends, accept invitations from others, keep busy so that you aren’t waiting by the phone. Maybe…he will come to his senses and realise you are right!

I will pray for you…I hope your feelings aren’t hurt too badly already 😦
 
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Forest-Pine:
Vluvski–😛

I must say, I agree with all here.

Please pick up the book His Needs, Her Needs from the library by Harley. THAT is how a relationship is supposed to work. He’s treating her the way he SHOULD be treating you.
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Oooohhh, good one V. I second the motion. This is an excellent book and DH and I have it in our collection of “marriage” books.

I agree, this book lays it out very nicely in an easy read.
 
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applepie:
Hi all
… We have agreed not to date anybody else. I posted recently in the Morality forum re keeping our relationship pure.

YOU may have agreed not to date…but he IS

My boyfriend is very close to his ex-girlfriend. They dated for more than 4 years and broke up very amiably about a year ago.

The key is EX…and exes are that for a reason…

My boyfriend continues to meet his ex once a week, just the 2 of them. They have dinner and then go along to their parish prayer group. They spend about 3 hours exclusive time together,

And you don’t think this STRANGE???

My boyfriend has told me that he has no romantic feelings for his ex at all. He said that he has a very strong friendship with her due to the amount of time they were together as a couple. He has told me that I am the only person that he has romantic feelings for and that I should not feel worried about his friendship with his ex.
Oh my. does he have you fooled!!

While I fully believe him about not having any romantic feelings for his ex, I really don’t like him meeting up with his ex on an exclusive basis so often… My fear is that there is an ongoing emotional bond between them that is inappropriate. I would not mind them meeting up occasionally but this is more.

Your fears are right!!

My first question is this - do you think that this is something I should really ask to be changed or is it something that I should just learn to get over?

My second question is this - i just found out that he is bringing his ex back to his family house in a weeks time to meet his family again. Obviously I’m not invited. I got quite a shock. Should this not stop when he starts courting somebody else?

You have answered your own questions…Make him choose…her or you

Any advice gratefully received. Sorry for rambling!
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~ Kathy ~
 
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applepie:
Hi all

My boyfriend and I, both in our late 20s, starting courting a couple of months ago with a view to discerning whether we are being called to marry. We have agreed not to date anybody else. I posted recently in the Morality forum re keeping our relationship pure.

My boyfriend is very close to his ex-girlfriend. They dated for more than 4 years and broke up very amiably about a year ago.

My boyfriend continues to meet his ex once a week, just the 2 of them. They have dinner and then go along to their parish prayer group. They spend about 3 hours exclusive time together, apart from the time they spend with others at the prayer group. I am not invited along cos he feels it would be awkward having us both there together and also because it would be difficult for her. Plus, I live a bit away so I would be going out of my way to meet them.

My boyfriend has told me that he has no romantic feelings for his ex at all. He said that he has a very strong friendship with her due to the amount of time they were together as a couple. He has told me that I am the only person that he has romantic feelings for and that I should not feel worried about his friendship with his ex.

While I fully believe him about not having any romantic feelings for his ex, I really don’t like him meeting up with his ex on an exclusive basis so often. I asked him would he consider inviting some of the other members of the prayer group along to their dinner but he said that it wouldn’t be the same thing as they couldn’t talk properly in a group. My fear is that there is an ongoing emotional bond between them that is inappropriate. I would not mind them meeting up occasionally but this is more.

My first question is this - do you think that this is something I should really ask to be changed or is it something that I should just learn to get over?

My second question is this - i just found out that he is bringing his ex back to his family house in a weeks time to meet his family again. Obviously I’m not invited. I got quite a shock. Should this not stop when he starts courting somebody else?

Any advice gratefully received. Sorry for rambling!
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Hi there,

I’d never be pleased if it was my situation. I would say he
can be friends with her, but to go out together? Not. That
would bug me. My ex husband and I were good friends
after our divorce, and he met a girl who is insanely jealous
of our friendship, but my ex is also best friends with my
husband, so it was not like we were going out together
behind his back. All 3 of us had fun together. Ex would
come up every Christmas for 3 days. His new girlfriend
had a problem with him being friends with not just me,
but my husband as well. Now, we don’t even talk anymore.
Are you sure he doesn’t have residual feelings for her?
Bringing her back to his family makes me wonder! It
sounds like he might still be in love with her. If your
not invited, then you need to have a serious talk with
him. He can’t date you, and take another girl out. That
isn’t right. He should have included you. As for you
learning to get over it, I don’t agree with that. I think he
needs to make a decision. If he wants to be with you
then he should respect how you feel. Her hanging
around like that is not a good sign. It is my own
opionion, and I think it is not good. When my ex
and I broke up, it was amicable. We parted friends.
We never went anywhere together or what have you.
But when I got remarried, we spoke, and he got to
know my husband, and they practically hit it off and
became fast friends. Then the husband invited him up
for the Christmas holidays, and he came for 3 years
until he met the girl. My sitation is different. I think
you need to have a serious talk with him, and if he
wants to be with you, it should be you alone. You
and he need to discuss it for sure. The sooner the
better! Also, talk to your priest as well. That’d be
a very good idea.

God bless you!
 
It really isn’t your place to question / complain about him remaining friends with someone who he has known for over 4 years.

However, once he places a ring on your finger (an engagement ring is sufficient – no need to wait for the wedding ring), then he will have an obligation to take your feelings into consideration OVER that of his other friends and if you are bothered by the time he is spending with his ex, then he needs to get rid of her. Otherwise, don’t accept a wedding ring and tell him to take a hike.

But until you have a ring on your finger, I see nothing wrong with his behavior.
 
Sir Knight:
…But until you have a ring on your finger, I see nothing wrong with his behavior.
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That is because you are a guy. If it were your girlfriend, I bet you’d be more than a tad jealous.

Exes are exes for a reason. They belong in the past.
~ Kathy ~
 
Sir Knight:
It really isn’t your place to question / complain about him remaining friends with someone who he has known for over 4 years.

However, once he places a ring on your finger (an engagement ring is sufficient – no need to wait for the wedding ring), then he will have an obligation to take your feelings into consideration OVER that of his other friends and if you are bothered by the time he is spending with his ex, then he needs to get rid of her. Otherwise, don’t accept a wedding ring and tell him to take a hike.

But until you have a ring on your finger, I see nothing wrong with his behavior.
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Including the excluded girlfriend at the family gathering?

-D
 
I am a guy and I think 99% of you have this right…if this guy has agreed to exclusive dating, he’s doesn’t understand the meaning of exclusive. Go no further in the relationship if he won’t stop seeing this girl…he is waaaaayyyy too attached to her…3 hours a week…sheeesh…no way my wife would let me get away with that and no way I’d stand for it with anyone I’ve ever dated, either. I’m actually kinda mad right now cuz Apple Pie seems like a sweet person and I want to punch him in the face or give him a real bad wedgie or something like that.

Dennis
 
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kage_ar:
As one of the few on this list who feel men and women can be friends with the opposite sex, even when they are married - I advise you to end this relationship. My husband would never have a female friend where I was not included in the friendship, and vice versa. Never ever EVER.
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I agree.

You (applepie) don’t have the right to insist that he stop being friends with his ex, but you do have the right to insist that you be included in this friendship. He doesn’t have to end this friendship, but he does have to figure out how to change it so that you are included as well.
 
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Katie1723:
If it were your girlfriend, I bet you’d be more than a tad jealous.
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Darrel:
Including the excluded girlfriend at the family gathering?
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You’re darn right I’d be jealous but until there is a ring on the finger (and as I said, engagement ring is sufficient because it is a promise of marriage and future commitment), we are just boyFRIEND and girlFRIEND and I have no greater standing than any other FRIEND. Once a ring enters the picture, all of that changes – your “status” becomes greater than that of a FRIEND.
 
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jumbyhead:
I am a guy and I think 99% of you have this right…if this guy has agreed to exclusive dating, he’s doesn’t understand the meaning of exclusive. Go no further in the relationship if he won’t stop seeing this girl…he is waaaaayyyy too attached to her…3 hours a week…sheeesh…no way my wife would let me get away with that and no way I’d stand for it with anyone I’ve ever dated, either. I’m actually kinda mad right now cuz** Apple Pie seems like a sweet person and I want to punch him in the face or give him a real bad wedgie or something like that.**
Dennis
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:rotfl:

I love that Dennis…that is exactly how I feel…I’ll hold him down
 
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