Am I too jealous of his ex? Please help

[SemperJase]

Sir Knight:

Yep, married with children…Why?

I wouldn’t expect to hear a married man claim that men and women can be friends. The fact that you have ended your female friendships indicates you understand that though.

Yes, let’s accuse someone of being dishonest without any proof. What happened to a person being innocent until proven guilty?

This isn’t a court room. It is wise to question why his actions contradict his words. He says he is in an exclusive relationship while seeing another woman alone.

But as his girlFRIEND, that is not something she has a RIGHT to. As a finacee or a wife, yes! But NOT as a girlfriend.

Sure she has the right. He willingly made an agreement to date her exclusively apparently to explore the possibility of marriage. Since he made the agreement, she has the right to expect him to keep it.

Now if they had just started dating and he had not agreed to dating her exclusively then I would agree with your point. Once he says, “I’m dating you alone” she has the right to expect that to be true.

 

[SemperJase]

applepie:

He’s going to spend the next few days thinking…me too

Way to go. I knew you had your head on straight. Keep thinking about it.

He has made it clear, the only reason he is going to that prayer meeting is to be with her. Otherwise he would just go to another prayer meeting.

1ke is right, why do her feelings take precedence over yours?

He said that he doesn’t want to be one of those people who forgets his other friends when he dates somebody new and that this girl is one of his oldest friends.

This a case of misplaced priorities. Let’s say down the road he breaks up with you, then he has another girlfriend and breaks up with her. Is he going to go to 3 prayer meetings a week?

They are broken up. Breaking up amicably doesn’t mean he must continue seeing her weekly.

It doesn’t seem like you and he have the same priorities here.

 

[vluvski]

I consider my first boyfriend one of my very best friends. Despite the fact that we only talk every couple months or so, and have never met for anything that could be misconstrued as date-ish since we broke things off 7 years ago, we have managed to maintain a strong friendship.

I guess I can understand where he’s coming from, but I’m still skeptical. I agree that he needs to decide on his own that his behavior is inappropriate (see previous post where I said reconsider the relationship even if he was willing to change just for you).

Sir Knight, I agree that applepie doesn’t have a right, per se, to tell her boyfriend who to see and how to see them. That’s not the point. The point is that if she is open and honest with him about the issue and he still doesn’t change his behavior AND his attitude, it’s pretty indicative of a serious disconnect between them.

I don’t have a right to tell a boyfriend how to spend his money, but if I see him throwing money at all sorts of entertainment when he is struggling to pay the bills, that’s a big red flag. See the similarity there?

Besides, his behavior is not like any simple friendship I’ve ever been in!

 

[Katie1723]

Why does it always seem that it is the GUY who can’t let go of past relationships?
~Kathy ~

 

[Sir_Knight]

SemperJase:

I wouldn’t expect to hear a married man claim that men and women can be friends.

Because they CAN be just friends. Look … I’m on very good terms with my wife’s sisters. They live in different states. When I’m on a business trip in their state, both my wife and her sister insist that I stay with them instead of a hotel. I can assure you that nothing has ever happened or will happen. If it is possible for me to have a NON-romantic friendship with my sister-in-law who is a member of the OPPOSITE SEX, then it is also possible for me to have a NON-romantic friendship with other members of the opposite sex.

It IS possible – men & women CAN be JUST FRIENDS.

SemperJase:

The fact that you have ended your female friendships indicates you understand that though.

I did that out of consideration for my WIFE’s feelings – NOT for my GIRLFRIEND’s feelings.

SemperJase:

He says he is in an exclusive relationship while seeing another woman alone.

He says he is in an exclusive ROMANTIC relationship while seeing another woman alone AS A FRIEND. And I ask again, what is the problem?

SemperJase:

Sure she has the right. He willingly made an agreement to date her exclusively apparently to explore the possibility of marriage. Since he made the agreement, she has the right to expect him to keep it.

She has as much rights as his other friends do. Friends are not yo-yo’s. You don’t drop them and pick them up based on who you are dating or if you are dating – that is unfair to them and doesn’t speak highly of you (him) as a friend. He has as much of an obligation to his friends as he does to his girlfriend. Now, when she becomes his fiancee, then he has a greater obligation to her than to his friends but not before then.

SemperJase:

Now if they had just started dating and he had not agreed to dating her exclusively then I would agree with your point. Once he says, “I’m dating you alone” she has the right to expect that to be true.

But he isn’t romanticly involved with anyone else so it is true.

 

[estesbob]

Katie1723:

Why does it always seem that it is the GUY who can’t let go of past relationships?
~Kathy ~

Seems like this guys supposedly ex girlfriend is having the same problem.

 

[Katie1723]

applepie:

Hi all

…We have agreed not to date anybody else.!

Not dating ANYONE else SHOULD include ex girlfriends. Why is this guy having so much trouble letting go? And WHY did they break up in the first place if they still “date”??
~ Kathy ~

 

[Sir_Knight]

It appears that there is a difference of opinion of what is meant by ‘date’.

 

[Ronin]

WOW!!!

I think you all need to take a few dozen chill pills.

LIGHTEN UP ALREADY!

Maybe the guy is a bum, maybe just a little confused…

Only one way to be certain… and there is no reason not to have a little fun too…

Show up unannounced at that little prayer group.

Everybody is there to pray, no? So they should all be thankful that there is a new soul to save, right?

Once everybody rejoices at the new voice, be an active participant - hey, everybody could use a few prayers…

While actively participating, keep an eye on boyfriend and “plutonic” girlfriend.

After the group is done, offer to treat the boyfriend and “plutonic” girlfriend to dinner… may want to hold boyfriends hand as you make your offer…

About this time you should have your CONCRETE answer…

Just make sure that you KEEP SMILING!

 

[Sir_Knight]

Words of wisdom …

Ronin:

WOW!!!

I think you all need to take a few dozen chill pills.

LIGHTEN UP ALREADY!

Maybe the guy is a bum, maybe just a little confused…

Only one way to be certain… and there is no reason not to have a little fun too…

Show up unannounced at that little prayer group.

Everybody is there to pray, no? So they should all be thankful that there is a new soul to save, right?

Once everybody rejoices at the new voice, be an active participant - hey, everybody could use a few prayers…

While actively participating, keep an eye on boyfriend and “plutonic” girlfriend.

After the group is done, offer to treat the boyfriend and “plutonic” girlfriend to dinner… may want to hold boyfriends hand as you make your offer…

About this time you should have your CONCRETE answer…

Just make sure that you KEEP SMILING!

… Can’t argue with any of that

 

[mumto5]

In honesty, I think men and women can be ‘just friends’. As a married woman, I wouldn’t be spending much time alone with the husbands of my friends, however. It’s just not appropriate. The odd coffee here or there if we happen to meet up or if their wife is present, sure, but ongoing would be inappropriate, especially if the other partner(s) were not welcome.

That is the bit that would bug me. Why does he feel the need to keep you two seperate? And what if you do get married, what of their relationship then? Alarm bells sound for me too, as much as you try to justify his actions in every post, and if she is just a friend, there is no need for him to feel awkward when the two of you encounter each other. Was there a sexual relationship? I guess that would explain the awkwardness more.

Somehow, I think your boyfriend needs to find a way to either deal with the two of you in the same room or do some soul searching as to who is loyalty lies with.

 

[SemperJase]

mumto5:

Why does he feel the need to keep you two seperate?

And that is exactly why there is suspicion about him being “just friends” with her. If that was the extent of their relationship, what does it matter if they dated in the past? If it were me I would make sure the two of you associated. If it made the ex uncomfortable, I would decide that it would be better to distance that relationship until the ex came to terms with the fact that things have changed. If it really was an amicable split she has no reason to be uncomfortable with him dating someone else. That’s what breaking up means.

How many other of his friends does he not allow her to associate with? “Danger Will Robinson!”

His insistence on maintaining this friendship is really a sign of immaturity. A mature person realizes that things change. He shouldn’t be clinging to the past by seeing her away from you. They dated, they no longer do. It is time for him to move on. He clearly hasn’t.

Mumto5 is right. Its not the friendship with her, its the fact that he keeps you away from her and is does not build trust. That is just a big red flag that says he doesn’t have his priorities right.