Am I too jealous of his ex? Please help

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Sir Knight:
You’re darn right I’d be jealous but until there is a ring on the finger (and as I said, engagement ring is sufficient because it is a promise of marriage and future commitment), we are just boyFRIEND and girlFRIEND and I have no greater standing than any other FRIEND. Once a ring enters the picture, all of that changes – your “status” becomes greater than that of a FRIEND.
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Having guy FRIENDS or girl FRIENDS is one thing. Having EXES is a whole 'nother thing. Apparently this guy isn’t ready to move on as his EX still has a prominent place in his life. I say she should put her foot down and tell him EXactly how she feels.If he can’t respect her feelings, then she should say sayonara.
~ Kathy ~
 
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Katie1723:
Having guy FRIENDS or girl FRIENDS is one thing. Having EXES is a whole 'nother thing.
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Why? It’s still a girl FRIEND because they broke up.
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Katie1723:
I say she should put her foot down and tell him EXactly how she feels.If he can’t respect her feelings, then she should say sayonara.
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She does that one minute after he slips the ring on her finger. Then EVERYTHING you said applies but the right does not exist before.
 
Sir Knight:
You’re darn right I’d be jealous but until there is a ring on the finger (and as I said, engagement ring is sufficient because it is a promise of marriage and future commitment), we are just boyFRIEND and girlFRIEND and I have no greater standing than any other FRIEND. Once a ring enters the picture, all of that changes – your “status” becomes greater than that of a FRIEND.
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I disagree. At this point, an agreement has been reached, and the terms of the courtship have been laid out: exclusive dating is out, other than with eachother. This is a commitment, almost or as much as an engagement ring is. This means that the couple has agreed to discern marriage together-- with eachoether, not with their exes!

When my DH and I courted exclusively, there was no question. I never got an engagement ring (and never really wanted one anyway. I’d rather spend the money on our family in the future!), so does that mean that DH would have been alright to date other women until our marriage instruction? Precana? What?

Applepie, you should follow your heart, but at least be prudent enough to reconsider your relationship, and tell him how you feel honestly. Give him a chance to react, but then, don’t hesitate to move on if he does not treat you as you should.
 
I’m glad you’re not MY boyfriend, Sir Knight!

Friendships with old friends and exes are one thing, but going on dates with an ex, or anyone other than the designated boy/girlfring for that matter, is not part of an “exclusive” dating relationship. This guy’s head is not screwed on straight. If the two of them had agreed to an open relationship, then it would be a different story.

Part of courtship is discerning the other party’s level of commitment to you. The boyfriend in question has an inappropriate level of commitment to his ex. For crying out loud, I don’t even see my fiance that often! Meeting eachother at the prayer group should be plenty of time for them to maintain such a strong, forged friendship if they have already discerned they are not meant for eachother. Something is still going on between them if they feel it necessary to have a dinner date every single week, and if he thinks he needs to have her over for a family holiday dinner.

Apple-pie, this guy should be TOAST. Go find yourself a nice dumpling of a fellow who will treat you better!
 
Sir Knight:
You’re darn right I’d be jealous but until there is a ring on the finger (and as I said, engagement ring is sufficient because it is a promise of marriage and future commitment), we are just boyFRIEND and girlFRIEND and I have no greater standing than any other FRIEND. Once a ring enters the picture, all of that changes – your “status” becomes greater than that of a FRIEND.
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The point is , given his behavior, she should not wait for a ring to placed on her finger. She should dump him now-he is not ready to make a commitment to her until he cuts loose his old girlfriend.
 
Wow.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but I read the first few and the last few and got totally different flavors.

At first, I thought yes, certainly, the guy is not even pretending to let go of the ex.

Then after reading some responses to Sir Knight, I now have to admit I see his point too.

The difference is whether a promise is broken. If the guy says he’s not “dating” another and will not until you are done, then there is a problem because unless you have a very specific definition of what “dating” means it sounds like you and she are on equal status.

That said, officially you are on equal status, being unmarried.

There is a total difference between fidelity in casual dating then in one where there is a specific – especially official as in ring – context.

The day I decided that I could completely give up my ex-girlfriends was the day I finally saw what beauty I was about to miss out on, and I did buy a ring. Since that day in 1985 I have never strayed nor looked back, and we are ecstatically married now and have six wonderful children. Prior to that day, I made no promises and as my wife has learned and duly chastised me for (way long ago and then we moved on), neither did I keep them. 😦

Conclusions: 1) do not expect a guy to keep promises he did not make, or you may be fooling yourself. 2) do expect a guy to keep promises he did make, or you have nothing at all – if a man’s word is no good, then what part of him is?

Also, I do not recommend pressing him for exclusivity, unless you absolutely require it or are willing to push him away unnecessarily. That is, unless there is sex involved – then all bets are off on what he may or may not do during those quiet times although I still think the two above conclusion still apply.

You might want to see a document I posted for my oldest daughter’s boyfriend to read and fear, “Ten Rules for Dating My Daughters.” In those, the exclusivity issue is addressed directly. Yes, I have provided the boy’s father with a copy, and he thinks they are wonderful rules. 😛

Alan
 
One other point from the POV of one guy who didn’t used to have a clue about matters of love:

For a guy who doesn’t really know what he wants in life, there is a certain advantage to talking to an ex-girlfriend in that she knows where she stands – in second place – and knows that she is replaceable. Therefore there is little threat she will run away based on my behavior, or that she will attempt to limit my wanderings because she already knows where that gets her.

IOW, the ex is more of a “friend” than the current one, because you could lose the current one if you don’t play your cards right.

The exception to this is an ex who has designs of getting her place back – she knows she cannot do it by trying to control him with threats, but she might learn a few new tricks at getting his attention.

This all from a guy point of view, purely speculation. Use it FWIW.

Alan
 
SirKnight,

It’s unacceptable to tell applepie that he wants to consider marrying her, but wants to constantly pal around with his ex. You don’t do it for the same reasons you don’t continue to buy cigarettes everyday after you quit: it’s you too tempting to light up, whether it’s a smoke or an old fling.
 
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wabrams:
SirKnight,

It’s unacceptable to tell applepie that he wants to consider marrying her, but wants to constantly pal around with his ex. You don’t do it for the same reasons you don’t continue to buy cigarettes everyday after you quit: it’s you too tempting to light up, whether it’s a smoke or an old fling.
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I thought the main reason for not buying cigarettes anymore after you quit is to keep from wasting the money for them. 😛

Alan
 
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wabrams:
SirKnight,

It’s unacceptable to tell applepie that he wants to consider marrying her, but wants to constantly pal around with his ex. You don’t do it for the same reasons you don’t continue to buy cigarettes everyday after you quit: it’s you too tempting to light up, whether it’s a smoke or an old fling.
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For some who quit, they carry around one pack - because the strong urge goes away if they know they can have one whenever they want… they can take one out, hold it, feel it - then put it away without lighting up…
 
Awww come on now… lets not forget that a pack of smokes has no emotions. We can’t compare a girlfriend who was told that they were discerning a vocation of marriage to a dirty habit.

And even the ex-girlfriend should not be compared to a dirty habit… she surely has feelings as well. Human emotions are being played by this “boyfriend” on all sides, it just doesn’t seem fair for any of the “players”. LOL “Players” are a kind of cigarette brand in Canada… what irony is this?
 
Loboto-Me said:
“Players” are a kind of cigarette brand in Canada… what irony is this?
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:rotfl:

You just conjured up images of old TV commercials with Doral cigarettes dancing and singing “taste me.”

Oh, my.

Alan
 
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AlanFromWichita:
Wow.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but I read the first few and the last few and got totally different flavors.

At first, I thought yes, certainly, the guy is not even pretending to let go of the ex.

Then after reading some responses to Sir Knight, I now have to admit I see his point too.

The difference is whether a promise is broken. If the guy says he’s not “dating” another and will not until you are done, then there is a problem because unless you have a very specific definition of what “dating” means it sounds like you and she are on equal status.

That said, officially you are on equal status, being unmarried.

There is a total difference between fidelity in casual dating then in one where there is a specific – especially official as in ring – context.

The day I decided that I could completely give up my ex-girlfriends was the day I finally saw what beauty I was about to miss out on, and I did buy a ring. Since that day in 1985 I have never strayed nor looked back, and we are ecstatically married now and have six wonderful children. Prior to that day, I made no promises and as my wife has learned and duly chastised me for (way long ago and then we moved on), neither did I keep them. 😦

Conclusions: 1) do not expect a guy to keep promises he did not make, or you may be fooling yourself. 2) do expect a guy to keep promises he did make, or you have nothing at all – if a man’s word is no good, then what part of him is?

Also, I do not recommend pressing him for exclusivity, unless you absolutely require it or are willing to push him away unnecessarily. That is, unless there is sex involved – then all bets are off on what he may or may not do during those quiet times although I still think the two above conclusion still apply.

You might want to see a document I posted for my oldest daughter’s boyfriend to read and fear, “Ten Rules for Dating My Daughters.” In those, the exclusivity issue is addressed directly. Yes, I have provided the boy’s father with a copy, and he thinks they are wonderful rules. 😛

Alan
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I’ve never been much of a fan of agreements to date exclusively. I am not saying it is bad to date exclusively, I just don’t like agreements to do so. I always felt like both should be open until they realize they only want to date each other and do so only because they want to. If they realize they do not feel sure, but would like to learn more about the other, then they can still get to know other people (“see” other people) rather than date exclusively without really feeling sure. (The key is to keep all relationships chaste, like they should be anyways).

For example, when my husband and I realized we only wanted to date each other from then on it didn’t make sense to either of us to date anyone else. The reason we dated exclusively was because we didn’t want to see anyone else, not because we agreed on it. I guess other people can have other ideas on this, but this is mine.
 
Girls who are friends are one thing

Guys who are friends are one thing too

BUT, EXES are just that EX , as in out of the picture…as in bye bye, see ya, toodles…as in so long, farewell, auf weidersehn, adieu.

How can you possibly forge a new bond with someone when you still have the old one on a back burner??
~ Kathy ~
 
Apple-pie, this guy should be TOAST. Go find yourself a nice dumpling of a fellow who will treat you better!

Excellent advice. One should never consider marriage to ANYONE who is not so absolutely knocked out and head over heels crazy for one that the idea of spending even an evening without him/her would be unthinkable. Marriage is hard enough when you are completely infatuated. This guy doesn’t care for you. If he did, that old girlfriend would be long gone or a good friend to both of you. This guy will disappoint you. He is already disappointing you. It won’t get any better, only worse.

Sweeting, you are worthy of someone who will walk through fire for you. THAT man is out there somewhere. This guy is a loser. Give him his freedom now so that you can find the one who will love you the way you deserve. :yup:
 
Here is how guys are operating in this situation. It is a case of “keep your options open”. From his standpoint he’s got a good thing going. First he has a relationship with a woman whom he has a close emotional relationship with.

If that doesn’t work out, he has plan B - a girlfriend who has indicated she wants to marry him in you.

He claims he doesn’t have romantic feelings for her, yet he is spending a bunch of time with her alone. You also mention that you aren’t sexually active with him. He is giving you every reason to believe that he is sexually active with her. Three hours alone with her every week? You would be foolish to think they weren’t sexually active, and I doubt that you are a fool.
 
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1ke:
One of the major issues with the “sexual revolution” is the idea that men and women can “just be friends” and have these emotionally filling relationships outside the marital bond. I completely disagree with this. Yes, my husband and I are best friends. But, we have that intimacy born of love and companionship. We do not seek out emotional connections with others of the opposite sex.
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This really hit home. When I was just dating my now husband, I had alot of guy friends. They continued to be my friends up until I got married. I was young and grew up with the notion that guys and gals could just be friends, but it became very obvious that once they no longer had a chance they left. It sounds like this guy is keeping is options open I I personally wouldn’t waste my time.
 
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Cupofkindness:
Do your boyfriend a favor. Tell him that you want some distance because you believe he should sort out his feelings about love, marriage, and the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Let him think about it until after the holidays. Tell him that you will call him after New Year’s for his answer.
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I would second this advice, except for the “call him after New Year’s” part. He can call you. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. Be prepared to let this go completely.
 
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