Annulment newlywed

  • Thread starter Thread starter Jen1
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I don’t think that 2-3 times a week is unusual especially for newlyweds. We dated for 2 years and engaged for 8 months after that and never had sex. We don’t have kids and I thought that it would be fun and forming a new bond with each-other to have sex once we were married but was dissapointed when he didn’t even sleep with me on our wedding night.

My husband cancelled seeing the therapist in person tonight and said that he is going to talk to him over the phone. I insisted that we talk together and he said he doesn’t want to talk about it and he will not budge on the issue and said maybe another time.
 
Jen1 said:
I don’t think that 2-3 times a week is unusual especially for newlyweds.
Click to expand...
I agree. Especially being newly weds, 2-3 times a week (approx. 10 a month or 100 a year) is not unusual or excessive. It doesn’t seem to me that your expectations are too high. It doesn’t seem to me you are seeking anything unusual. And especially during pregnancy, many couples are intimate much more frequently because the pressure is off. They no longer are trying to conceive or avoid conception, so it tends to be a time to relax and just bond. It makes me sad for you and angry with him. He is being cruel and manipulative. If this is how he treats the pregnant mother of his child, I can only see things getting worse. Please think seriously about getting home to your family. I’ve seen similar situations turn very ugly very fast.
 
I agree. And our Church is very, very weak about friends, parishioners, clergy, or pastors actually confronting those who deny important aspects of the faith.

I keep repeating, in these discussions, that our Church (the Catholic Church in general) does not practice faith based separations with pastoral conviction. We are being conditioned to use State force to get what we want. Which is slowly resulting in Catholics being influenced and forming their morals more in line with what the State promotes instead of the Church.

Pastors need to be bold and active when they are aware that parishioners openly denying important Teachings of our faith! It’s not acceptable. It does damage. It allows the devil to make strongholds! And make no mistake… the devil has strongholds!

OP, does your husband go to Mass? Does he receive Communion from the hands of this pastor?
 
Last edited:
OP, your husband has no problem telling you how things are going to be, from the perspective of what he will or won’t do. As bad as the situation is, it is good that he is honest with you. He doesn’t care how you feel about this issue.

It is time for you to decide what you will or won’t do. Your previous post expressed your concern that the bad feelings from this issue will bleed into other issues in your marriage. You also expressed concern regarding how this will affect children int he household. You are 100 % correct to consider these things. Unless your husband changes his way, none of it will be good.

God knows and is accepting that we are human and that part of being human is making mistakes. It is how we are designed. You made a mistake in marrying your husband, it seems. He wasn’t honest with you before the marriage, but you trusted he was. God gets this and doesn’t have unrealisitic expectations of us.

I would suggest you consider cutting your losses and moving on at this point. Don’t let fear stand in your way of doing what is right, especially for the innocent child on its way. From what you describe, you won’t have any trouble obtaining an annulment once you divorce your husband. True, there are are plenty here who say we shouldn’t be weighing in on this because we don’t have all of the facts, etc. I think it is simple. You married a man who has an aversion to marital sex and who had no interest in having sexual intimacy as part of your marriage together. He had already had sex with others before the wedding, so he knew what it was about. He can’t claim he was naive.

You are young and have a long life ahead of you. Love isn’t enough, sometimes. Time to make your own decisions, as he apparently already has.
 
Last edited:
Jen1 said:
He said that he has always been passive in the bedroom (he has slept with a few women before marriage which he told me after we got married).
Click to expand...
Is this something he lied to you about before you got married? Does he feel guilt about perhaps “cheating” on you before marriage?
 
Jen1 said:
I talked to my husband again and he said that he has no intention on being active in the bedroom. He told me that I have to initiate anything and that he doesn’t want to touch me intimately.
Click to expand...
Jen1 said:
My husband said that it is my fault and said that all I want is sex and that I’m unreasonable and that I’m the one who needs help.
Click to expand...
In my opinion I think you should just leave and if he still doesn’t want to get help then really that is a reflection of his love for you.
It really does seem like something is not right with your husband. It’s unfortunate that this stuff didn’t emerge in marriage prep but it would seem that the man you thought you were marrying is not the man you married.

If he still won’t get help and this drags on then I would say you should follow the route of an annulment. It really seems clear from this that he simply doesn’t have the slightest idea what catholic marriage consists of.
 
Last edited:
He never cheated. He is a practicing Catholic where he goes to Mass every Sunday and since we have been dating he does pray more often and same with confession. About a month ago I signed us up for an hour of Adoration a week as well.

He talked to the therapist last night via phone and I did end up talking with the therapist for about five minutes towards the end. He made some great points:

He said that my husband has extremely high level Asperger to a point where no one really can notice it. He said that this is why my husband doesn’t recognize that the lack of intimacy is causing hurt in our marriage and when I bring it up he said that my husband will turn the tables on me, blame me, and lash out.

I told him about the counselor I talked to and she suggested an annulment but he told me that this can be fixed and it means that my husband will have to break the habit of no intimacy and start a habit of having sex.
He said that if I bring it up to my husband that my husband will box me out and avoid talking about it at all costs and this is just the way he thinks and handles it. To solve this, he said that he would open his schedule to talk to my husband weekly and that this will work out and thinks my husband is capable of doing this with therapy. He said that we will have to talk to him together so he gets both sides and not just my husbands.

My husband completely denies Asperger’s and I thought that his therapist had told him this earlier and when I told my husband earlier in our marriage he denies it completely and forcefully. I do think he does have it but don’t want to push the issue on him since it is a bit hurtful so I didn’t bring it up again.

When he talked to my husband again for a few minutes after I talked to him he told my husband that he can work on this and if he didn’t that this would be a short marriage. The way he said it and coming from him it scared my husband. We went to bed and said a decade of the rosary and this morning there was intimacy:) and better than it has been since we were married.

Thank you all for your prayers, I don’t expect this to be an instant fix but hopefully it’s uphill from here.
 
Thank you,
I also asked the therapist last night about leaving my husband for awhile and he did say that if I do this I have to do it the right way. He said that I can’t do it in an emotional outburst or when angry. He said that I have to talk to my husband and basically make bullet points (write it out for him) saying that if this stuff doesn’t happen then I will be leaving and then I have to write out points and steps on how he can fix it.
He said that if I do tell my husband that I am going to leave for awhile if it stays bad that I have to follow through with it so my husband understands how serious it is.

I don’t think it will happen again because when my husband makes his mind up to change a behavior he is a bulldozer.Plus I think that the therapist talking weekly to my husband now instead of monthly/bi monthly that this will help tremendously.

Please continue to pray and I have said a prayer for all of you as well for any crosses you may be carrying in your life.
 
That’s good news…

Just find it disappointing that pastors aren’t pastoring. 😦

Why couldn’t your pastor relate the Catholic faith, and that a separation (and possibly permanently!) may happen without intimacy?

Why pass the buck to a therapist, when it concerns a matter of faith and morals?
 
Last edited:
rcwitness said:
That’s good news…
Click to expand...
The really good news is, that the OP’s husband is working with a really good therapist, who has diagnosed the behavioural condition.

The situation has shown itself to be not primarily a matter of faith and morals. Rather cognitive and behaviour he can learn. Therapy can give hope to this couple.
 
Last edited:
Actually, what seemed to make him reconsider his behavior was the prospect of the marriage “ending”.

We may never know if the pastor would have struck this nerve, since the pastor was not willing to speak clearly with the man.
 
I didn’t say he shouldnt be in therapy!

Does Aspergers prevent one from believing sexual intimacy is a part of Marriage (unless both prefer abstinence)?

The pastor should relate the Catholic faith. A therapist can work on medical approaches.

The thing that this therapist said to cause this man to reconsider his behavior, was that his marriage is in serious danger if he does not work on intimacy!

That’s precisely what a priest can and should relate!
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top