Annulment newlywed

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That’s what a church sanctioned separation is aimed at!

The terms are completely up to those involved
 
I’ve talked to my husband about moving out and that once he works on things that I’ll come back. I do hope that this incentives him as I’ve tried everything else I can think of. He said that if I moved out that it would backfire on me and not work.
I don’t want to be married and living separate from my husband; however, I do hope that if I left now for a a week or two that it would fix things.
I do not want to be married and live separately permanently from my husband, I think that it would be incredibly detrimental to a child to not have his father and I know my husband would make a great dad.

I believe that if things came to it we would definitely get an annulment before anything legal such as a divorce. I desperately want things to work out but I’m worried that if it didn’t and I stayed I won’t end up being ok with this situation as it is…(and I expect it to get worse from what I read about anyone else that has been in this situation) and don’t want to raise a child in a home where the parents are not intimate. I also know that I would not be strong enough to have this aspect of our marriage to not affect the other parts of marriage and bitterness would grow and I’m worried that sarcastic remarks will be a daily thing.
Right now I think my husband is an amazing man but I’m worried that as time goes on I won’t even view him as a man but as an extremely manipulative and mean person.
 
You are pregnant, so very vulnerable. So I will advise you not to take a definitive decision now.

For religious nullity decree, no, a civil divorce is need before any petition. Not the contrary.

You will have to ask for yourself: do you think that you will feel better living separately from him for this reason, or not?
 
Well the current tribunal system requires a civil divorce before looking at your case.

I encourage a Church separation.

Work on the terms and offer it to your pastor and him.

For example"

6 months with mandatory couples counseling… Mass together… whatever you all think is appropriate… and financial support too.
 
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rcwitness said:
I encourage a Church separation.
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I think it’s too eary to think of this solution. She is pregnant, the marriage is new. She needs her husband/the father of her child.

It’s good that the husband is going to counseling. he seems to have issues to work with his mother. He needs to be detached from her to be her wife’s husband.
I think that the couple have at least some cessions together to express their feelings is vital.
This can be made without a house’s separation.
 
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Perhaps. I’m thinking its inevitable though…

To allow it to stress her too much, may lead to skipping the Church based separation and going to secular support.

But I hope things can heal in any case!

I hate broken marriages!
 
Part of me thinks it will work out and I’m somewhere optimistic about it. I believe that my husband is very strong and that he does love me a lot (enough to go against his mom). He was not raised in a house where people learned to argue well and I feel that this might be why when I bring this up that he lashes out at me and blames me. I believe these actions are not how he feels but how he was raised in such a critical household and that his parents criticized and made horrible assumptions/made things up about everyone and even strangers. That being said, I think if my husband took me seriously on this issue that he would work it out.

Please pray for me and my husband that our marriage is a reflection of what God wants us to be and is filled with love, joy, holiness, happiness…and passion. Please also pray that our current situation does not affect us and that there is no bitterness in my heart and that I don’t hold the words he said in anger in my heart.
 
Jen1 said:
He said that if I moved out that it would backfire on me and not work.
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And why is that? And in what way does he imagine it will “backfire”?

Please do not be naive and think that a week or two of you leaving is going to “fix it”. No. This is LONG TERM THERAPY territory.

You cannot pursue a decree of nullity without a divorce.

He isn’t a “great” man— he is manipulative, dismissive of your feelings, and has a deep psychological issue. Please don’t put on the “everything else is great” blinders. Except for the big hole in the side of the ship, everything else was great on the Titanic too.
 
I think he says it will backfire to say that he won’t work on things if I move out.
I do see your point and agree that he needs therapy and long term but hope things progress as he goes.
What do you suggest that I do in the interm if he does go to therapy?
 
Jen1 said:
What do you suggest that I do in the interm if he does go to therapy?
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I think that is a conversation you and the therapist need to have.

You need to be involved in the initial evaluation with the mental health professional— and his treatment plan needs to be shared with you. This needs to be an open book as far as you being involved and the therapist/psych professional needs to guide you on appropriate steps you need to take in the process.
 
I talked to my husband again and he said that he has no intention on being active in the bedroom. He told me that I have to initiate anything and that he doesn’t want to touch me intimately. I am afraid to initiate at this point from being rejected so many times. He told me that I have to realize that he has a stressful job and therefor is exhausted at the end of everyday to sleep with me (yet he will hang out with friends and work out and go running)
He said that he has always been passive in the bedroom (he has slept with a few women before marriage which he told me after we got married). We are hopefully going to talk to someone tomorrow and I am going to ask him if I can just leave. My husband told me again that I"m the one that has to work on things and not to expect sex and to stop putting it as a priority.
I’m so tired of this and feel like I’m going crazy. My husband said that it is my fault and said that all I want is sex and that I’m unreasonable and that I’m the one who needs help.
I begged him to stay up and talk with me but he said that I was ungrateful and went to sleep. I have asked him to take a day off of work so we can work on our marriage but he won’t (yet he has taken off days in the past if he felt sick or wanted to study)
I told him that if I fell asleep on the couch tonight to please not wake me up to sleep with him in bed and that I will come in on my own if I wake up (the main reason being that he wants me to hold his hand when we lay down but nothing more and I didn’t feel like crying tonight) He proceeded to wake me up and told me to came lay down with him which I did and he told me to hold his hand and he fell asleep.)

We are hopefully talking to a therapist tomorrow night (we called and the guy he talks to is being awesome and said he could meet like at 9pm) and I told my husband we have to talk about this but he doesn’t see the need. He would rather talk about his mom and sister and try to work on those things.
 
You husband has something very wrong with him, and I don’t mean just about sex. Like something is NOT RIGHT in the head.

I’m sorry none of this came out in premarital preparation. It definitely seems like deception on his part, but of course I only have a small snippet to go on.
 
Jen1 said:
We just talked again this morning and he said he doesn’t want me to talk with the therapist with him tonight. He said that he’s not ready to talk about this and will talk to him by himself.
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We just talked again this morning and he said he doesn’t want me to talk with the therapist with him tonight. He said that he’s not ready to talk about this and will talk to him by himself.
 
Tell him that is too bad. He doesn’t get to simply dictate the rules when he clearly has no idea how a man should act as a husband and father.

Has him seeing his therapist done anything thus far? If it has, it certainly isn’t manifesting in your posts.

Whatever his issues with mom and sis are, they can be dealt with in parallel or tabled for now. he is married TO YOU. Those issues are of immediate concern and focus. His behavior is being tolerated and he is being coddled way too much. Easy to say when you aren’t living with him i realize, but it is true. I wish he had another Catholic male friend to tell him to grow up up and slap some sense into him. Perhaps if he realized it wasn’t just his wife who thought he was acting crazy and immature but everyone else as well, he’d take counseling a bit more seriously. I am very sorry, and will add you to my prayers.
 
Thank you so much. I think he doesn’t respect my opinion and I try to talk to him as simply as possible so he doesn’t get offended but to no avail. I have told him that he needs to focus on us instead of his mom and this takes precedence. I’m not saying I’m perfect in our marriage since lately I’ve been asking him to fix it more often recently and I’ve been very blunt. He doesn’t tell any of his friends about this and I strongly believe he doesn’t want to talk to his therapist about this with me because he is worried what the therapist will think about him.

I expected marriage to be constantly a work in progress and I knew/expected hard times and issues coming into it since seeing so many difficulties in my parents’ marriage and those of my siblings’; however, this is completely different than anything I’ve ever seen and I thought, at first, that we could work on it together and things would get better but they have only gotten worse, especially on my end I have been effected negatively by it.

Thank you for the advise.
 
I feel sorry for your trapped situation. He seems not have been totally honest before marriage on how he sees sex.

I also think that your marital situation may improve, but in a long term process.
You cannot except, that your husband attitude towards sex will change after one or two weeks of separation. More if you are pregnant, and he don’t want to sleep with his pregnant woman.

I hope as your pregnancy advanced, you will be less emotive toward your rejection and humiliation and feel better and less stress about your situation.

He has already told you his stricts conditions: he don’t want to have sex. If you want you have to initiate and not except nakedness or intimate contact.
He don’t want to change anything as this situation suits him well. Surprisingly, many people who don’t want sex are happy in their wedding, even if their spouse feels differently. That’s why he said it’s you who are obsessed with sex.
I know that is hard, but is there something that you can accept in order to find a compromise? You cannot except him to change radically.

On his attitude you describe, I think that he can have a problem with his masculinity, or have an immaturity issue toward sexual relations/conjugal life. Or perhaps have to learn to detached himself from his mother. Usually the man learned that he has to initiate things, but something is blocked for him.

I will not jump as others to the conclusion he has mental health issues. I see nothing that indicate that, if he have a normal behaviour in all other areas of life. He seems to have just had a true aversion for sexuality.
It can have many origins. Issues with his mother, family, an education where sex is see as something dirty or taboo, a sexual trauma, bad experiences, low libido… Many things, and perhaps not just one.

It is not easy to work to change our attitude toward sex, more in our 30’s. I don’t think therapy is a vain thing. It can help him really. If he can accept to detached from his mother to be your husband, it is something that therapy can help.
I understand that he doesn’t want you to go to his appointment. But you have to go with him, it is a first step.
You don’t have to assist to all his cessions, but it is important that your point of view is listened.

The situation can improve…or perhaps not. You have to be prepared to all possibilties, and not except too much. And think yourself if you agree to follow him as his wife.
 
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Jen1 said:
After we got married I moved several hours away to live with my husband. I called the priest once who married us when things were getting worse and the priest said that in a healthy marriage people should be sleeping together 2-3x a week. I understand this but my husband doesn’t.
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This sort of jumped out at me. I think your husband has a very distorted sense of sexuality- especially to call it “disgusting” and not want you to be undressed. He definitely needs therapy about the issue.

But there is no one “amount” that people need to be together per week. Frankly, 2-3 times per week sounds like a lot to me, especially now that we’re parents. I’m just wondering from this comment whether you’ve internalized this amount as “normal” and anything less as not? Because if that is the case, maybe he does feel pressured and unable to live up to those high expectations.

This is obviously not the main issue, but might be worth thinking about.
 
I agree with you with the frequency, as others point it also.
It is something that is presented as normal in secular society, but unpractical in many circunstances in a marriage, unless you are actively trying to conceive a child. More in a catholic marriage where the spouse wants to followed the doctrine.

As for being undress, I don’t disagree with you, but will make you aware that it is also a cultural preference. Not everywhere and at anytime the spouses accomplished the marital debt undress. In Middle Age, for exemple, spouses commonly keep their shirts. And we where in a Christian society, sot his question is not something definitive, and people are free to act according what they feel the best.
It became a problem only when the couple have different exceptations, like for the OP.
 
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