I have followed this thread with interest and I have benefited personally from the humility and graciousness that Feanaro and Malia have discussed their personal situation. I know I’m joining in the discussion rather late, but I’d just like to share my own two cents about how Topher and I live out our domestic church.
As Jezu pointed out, the idea of wifely submission can be a frightening one for many women, since the mere phrase tends to connotate all sorts of scary ideas. I remember we read Eph 5 at our wedding, and I was even approached at my reception by two well-meaning guests who were ‘concerned’ that I was giving my freedom away.
Anyway, while Topher isn’t military, my brother is, and I see reflections of him in some of Feanaro’s posts. My brother would definitely say something like, “when a decision has to be made, it comes down to who has the authority to do so.” Or, “You obey your commandment and carry out orders, no matter how much you might disagree.” I also think my brother and other military men have been trained in “worst case scenario” mindset. Also, suffering for the greater good. For instance, in the example Malia gave about being out with Lily and her dh, who believes they can handle one more stop, even though Malia intuitively believes that the baby has reached her limit and it’s better to get home, make dinner, put her to sleep, etc… Feanaro might be thinking in terms of, “well, Lily MIGHT flip out, but I really need to pick up these groceries because otherwise we’ll all be hungry and irritable come tomorrow morning. It’s better to risk the meltdown then be hungry later.” So, more long-term benefit then short-term benefit. Malia might be thinking, “Let’s spare ourselves the trouble that Lily will cause us if we let her get to the point of no return, and then maybe hubby can run out later tonight.” But somehow that gets lost in the translation? In both instances, they each have the best interest of the family at heart, but they ultimately want to carry it out differently…and Feanaro, as the husband, believes himself to be the one ordained in the ultimate decision-making role. Very good intentions but with perhaps the risk of causing some short-term suffering for those he’s hoping to protect.
However, I have to agree with Jezu that if my husband were comparing our relationship to the military, it would alarm me or at the very least make me feel marginalized as his wife. I would try my best to see his good intent behind the comparison but if he was unable to hear me when I said that I felt slighted by the idea…I’d be hurt. And a little resentful that he wasn’t willing to adjust his metaphor and attitude so as make me feel protected and cherished. Perhaps his intent was to make me feel protected and cherished, but I believe the perception is just as important as the intention–and if I was perceiving him wrongly, I’d want him to help me perceive differently through concrete action.
Topher has ultimately decided that his position of authority in our household is to be carried out with the least amount of suffering possible for Sophie and I, if that makes sense. He also has learned that asking my (name removed by moderator)ut and taking it into consideration makes for a happy wife who feels listened to, heard and vital to the marriage. In the above scenario, Topher would suggest we make one last stop. I would say something like, “well, I can see how it’d be easier for us to have those groceries tomorrow morning, but Sophie is getting a little stretched. I’d rather go home, get dinner on the table and her fed and to bed.” He would then probably comment about how we won’t have groceries for breakfast tomorrow, and then I would in turn ask him how he’d like to go about getting them if we can’t do it right now. Maybe one of us goes out later. Maybe I agree to make some muffins after Sophie is in bed, and we’ll go shopping after we eat those in the morning. etc. We just compromise our way out of the daily situations. We try to follow the idea that we don’t do anything without a positive, enthusiastic response from the other partner. (I think that’s a tip from the guy who wrote those marriage builder books.) A willing partner is a happy partner.
cont’d…
It sounds very constructive to approach the theme from that angle–not to pawn off responsibility, but to share it.
)
. I try really hard to prove that I am open to change and understanding though…one day I may figure out the right way to do it.
**
Still, I hate relativism. With a passion. Unparallelled. I certainly wouldn’t heed a request based in it, or based on the idea that I should concede from time to time or whatever such. Arguments, facts. Unless she actually cares more about the thing than I do, but then it’s the same whether it’s a he or a she.