Arm around spouse/ date/"nuzzling" in pews during Mass?

[FullOfThought]

In mass, FH and I hold hands, unless we’re supposed to be doing something with them at the time. Every once in a while he will put his arm around my shoulders, over the back of the pew. When we give each other the Sign of Peace, we kiss each other’s cheeks. That’s about the extent of it, and the extent of what I’ll accept. (Well, maybe a married couple giving each other a quick peck on the lips during the Sign of Peace, instead of the cheek… bah)

anyway, anything you wouldn’t be ashamed to do in front of your mother and grandmother, should normally be ok in mass.

My husband and I hold hands through ALL of the readings!! I kiss him on the lips at the sign of Peace, and I kiss my parents and siblings on the cheeks.

My husand is not Catholic yet he comes to mass with me every week, we pray together everyday and in Engaged Encounter they encourage couples to hold hands. He is my husband, my best friend… God brought us together. We are carrying out God’s Will and He creates a stronger bond between us every mass while we are in His presence.

We leave mass EVERY week, feeling stronger in our faith, loved and UNITED!!
I think this is beautiful and I have no intention of stopping it!!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Could you imagine the money wasted by buying a movie ticket then not watching the movie? Sorry, I can’t waste that kind of money.

Arm around, holding hands and a kiss at the Sign of Peace is fine, great even. I don’t understand the “nuzzling” during Mass.

As loud as the sound is in movies these days, I have no idea how you can ever ignore it. One reason I don’t go to many movies is that I usually have to sit there with my fingers in my ears the whole time, unless I remember to bring ear plugs. I don’t want to pay for further hearing loss, thanks very much!

 

[Kathryn_Ann]

Noooo…The point is THEY should be focused on the Mass and not the canoodling.

Thank you aicirt, these “canoodlers” do make it hard to concentrate with all the PDA’s. I just feel it’s inappropriate at Mass.
Kathryn Ann

 

[FullOfThought]

Thank you aicirt, these “canoodlers” do make it hard to concentrate with all the PDA’s. I just feel it’s inappropriate at Mass.
Kathryn Ann

My husband and I hold hands through ALL of the readings!! I kiss him on the lips at the sign of Peace, and I kiss my parents and siblings on the cheeks.

My husand is not Catholic yet he comes to mass with me every week, we pray together everyday and in Engaged Encounter they encourage couples to hold hands. He is my husband, my best friend… God brought us together. We are carrying out God’s Will and He creates a stronger bond between us every mass while we are in His presence.

We leave mass EVERY week, feeling stronger in our faith, loved and UNITED!!
I think this is beautiful and I have no intention of stopping it!!

I just wanted to make sure you saw my post… my husband and I couldn’t be anymore focused on mass!

 

[jwinch2]

The arm-around the spouse is not a problem. It’s all the other stuff such as whispering to each other, patting heads, stroking hair, etc. that is inappropriate. It’s as if that couple is bringing their intimate relationship too far forward into the setting. Mass is not about their personal relationship, but each person’s relationship to Christ and the other members of the body. They treat it more like an entertainment or a spectator event, like going to the movies. Heck, hubby and I don’t do PDA even at the movies! We’re there to watch the film, not smooch and groom each other like teens!

So you are equating the occasional whisper during Mass, stroking someones hair, or patting them on the head occasionally with making out like teenagers during a movie.

If I have my arm around my wife during the readings and rub her shoulder with my hand, I might as well be sitting in the back row of a movie theater making out? If I lean over and kiss my wife on the head and whisper that I love her because she was moved to tears during the homily, I have now turned Mass into a spectator event? If, after Holy Communion, once the priest and deacon have returned to their seats, I have my arm around my wife and she leans her head on my shoulder, we have now crossed the line and made Mass about us instead of God?

 

[petitfleur]

Whispering and groping is not appropriate. I have been known to lean my head against my husbands shoulder while listening in mass. I think you should not let things distract you in mass instead uf getting upset and judging perhaps focus on improving your relationship with God, and becoming the person He wants you to be.
I get caught up in stupid things too, I think it’s a temptation anything to not focus on my own behavior
I used to get so upset because one of our readers used to wear sleeveless tops. I don’t know if it’s appropriate or not, but I sure spent a lot of time thinking about it, and letting it bother me, instead of focusing on what I should be.

 

[FullOfThought]

So you are equating the occasional whisper during Mass, stroking someones hair, or patting them on the head occasionally with making out like teenagers during a movie.

If I have my arm around my wife during the readings and rub her shoulder with my hand, I might as well be sitting in the back row of a movie theater making out? If I lean over and kiss my wife on the head and whisper that I love her because she was moved to tears during the homily, I have now turned Mass into a spectator event? If, after Holy Communion, once the priest and deacon have returned to their seats, I have my arm around my wife and she leans her head on my shoulder, we have now crossed the line and made Mass about us instead of God?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

So you are equating the occasional whisper during Mass, stroking someones hair, or patting them on the head occasionally with making out like teenagers during a movie.

If I have my arm around my wife during the readings and rub her shoulder with my hand, I might as well be sitting in the back row of a movie theater making out? If I lean over and kiss my wife on the head and whisper that I love her because she was moved to tears during the homily, I have now turned Mass into a spectator event? If, after Holy Communion, once the priest and deacon have returned to their seats, I have my arm around my wife and she leans her head on my shoulder, we have now crossed the line and made Mass about us instead of God?

Not necessarily. You don’t have to take this personally. There is a line between proper behavior and improper behavior, and I think you probably know that, but wish to argue about something.

 

[FullOfThought]

I think it really comes down to the couples intention.

If the couple are not paying attention and messing around then yes it is inappropriate.
If the couple are praying deeply together and engulfing themselves in the Holy Spirit together, then it is perfect.

Either way, it is none of our business.

 

[HonoraDominum]

My husband, while baptized Catholic as an infant, has never been catechized and does not consider himself Catholic. Our marriage has been convalidated, but that’s the only sacraments he’s had. He currently has no desire to become catechized or to become a practicing Catholic. However, out of love for me, he comes with me to church on occasion, once every month or so, plus Christmas and Easter.

I have very bad panic attacks sometimes, and when I’m feeling particularly anxious, I’ll ask my husband to go with me to church just so I don’t go bolting out of the pews in the middle of the Gloria. When he does go to church with me, other than when we are kneeling, we will hold hands. This is usually from the time we walk in the door, when we’re standing and singing or chanting, and when we’re sitting for whatever reason. Because I go to a Latin Mass parish, and sometimes it’s not really that clear what is going on, I will whisper to him as I explain where to find where we are in the missal.

We don’t “nuzzle”, nor is our touching more than simple affection or a sign of comfort. There is no sign of peace at our Mass, so there’s no hugging or kissing for us.

I don’t think hand holding is disruptive, nor is an arm around a lady, as long as it is simple contact and not constant motion (i.e. man rubbing shoulder while arm is around his lady, etc.). It never occurred to me that it would be. I am very quiet in church, and am very focused on what is going on with the liturgy or homily during Mass, so I can’t imagine that I would make anyone lose their grace because I am distracting them by holding my husband’s hand.

 

[jwinch2]

Not necessarily.

So, when are the things you mentioned inappropriate and when are they not?

You don’t have to take this personally.

My wife and I happen to do several of the things you claimed are: a) akin to making out in a movie theater; b) turning Mass into a spectator event; and c) focusing on one’s personal relationship to the point that Christ is ignored in the Mass. The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass is one of the things that my wife and I truly love going to and participating in together. We came into the Church together and it was a profound and life changing experience for both of us. God knows we have a long way yet to go, but since that time, we have done our best to center our lives and our marriage around God and His Church. How else but personally would you expect me to take it? Frankly, I have a hard time seeing how one can get much more personal than that. This is not simply some abstract issue. There are real people expressing these behaviors, and I am one of them.

There is a line between proper behavior and improper behavior, and I think you probably know that…

And who is the judge on that? Are their criteria established by the Church that we can look at similar to liturgical abuses or unorthodox teachings? Or, is this merely a subjective opinion based on your personal preferences?

…but wish to argue about something.

And some on this thread seem to wish to judge something, including people’s motivations behind the behaviors they exhibit.

 

[salusanimarum17]

… Or, is this merely a subjective opinion based on your personal preferences? …

Obviously, all of us here are basically stating our subjective opinions based on personal preferences. Mine is people can hold hands and that’s it. Keep the rest for somewhere other than church.

 

[salusanimarum17]

I just wanted to make sure you saw my post… my husband and I couldn’t be anymore focused on mass!

It’s not your lack of concentration she was speaking of, but her own.

 

[FullOfThought]

It’s not your lack of concentration she was speaking of, but her own.

Oh thank you, I must have misread.

However, I have no intenton of missing out of this experience with my husband to ensure I don’t potentially distract people. This runs along the same lines as asking people with children to leave when their children fuss, asking people who are sick to stop coughing or sneezing, all distracting things.

I guarantee you that when Jesus preached to the crowds they didn’t sit in silence and motionless… they would have experienced the same feelings, emotions and illness we do now. Humans have not changed.

 

[TrueLight]

Rubbing someone’s arm or back is distracting. Kissing on the head, cheeks or lips is distracting to the person immediately behind you. It doesn’t matter how focused they are on the Mass. They will at least notice it and then have to make a mental effort to focus elsewhere.

I remember I once went to a choir concert and there was an affectionate couple in front of me. They were cute and everything, but he kept on rubbing her back and looking at her and every time he did it, I saw it. Now it was only a concert.

In general, any constant motion, can be distracting, and kissing is always distracting.

 

[bearer]

While it may not be sinful per se, I think focusing one’s attention on a spouse draws attention away from the prayer of the Mass. Throughout our lives we are to love Christ first, and through Him, to love our spouse. Nuzzling and whispering throughout the Mass is irreverent and sets a bad example to others, particularly those new to the Church or those with lukewarm faith.

Having said that, when we exchange the sign of peace, I usually put one arm around my wife’s shoulder and kiss her on the forehead, saying, “Peace be with you, babe.” IMHO, that is the one appropriate time when we take a moment to vocally manifest our love and affection for our neighbors during Mass. The rest of the time, we need to be centered on Christ.

 

[Orogeny]

That’s a two-way street, it seems to me. What could prevent me from saying that you should be the people who move to the last pew so no one would be stuck behind you?

I’m not the one distracted.

Peace

Tim

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

My husband takes my hand, helps me out of the car, and escorts me into church on his arm. He holds my hand during the homily. He escorts me out of church after Mass on his arm, opens my car door, and helps me back into the car. He says it’s because I’m his ‘beautiful, elegant lady’.

This is one of his most endearing behaviors, and it’s one reason why going to Mass is so very hard for me when he’s out of town.

If any parishioner thought we were displaying inappropriate PDA, I for their sake hope they keep their opinions to themselves. If they said anything directly I fear I would bust out the uglies.

Luna

 

[Orogeny]

The arm-around the spouse is not a problem.

It is to some of the posters on this thread and they are the reason I posted originally.
Kathryn Ann:

Just curious: Should gentlemen put one of their arms around their spouse/ or girl friend (arm hanging casually around the back of the pew) during most of the Mass, whispering, nuzzling ears, patting heads? I don’t see it often but I’ve told my husband to please leave that behavior for the home or movie theatre.

hannajomar:

Once in a while my husband and I will hold hands as we’re sitting in the pew. Often it’s when we’ve had an argument just before, and I suppose it’s our way of making up. But I wouldn’t ever like it if he was nuzzling me or had his arm around me.

Zosimus41:

I see it often but only while attending a NO mass and typically the guys will have their arms laid on the back of the pew. I dont see it all when attending the Latin Rite.

Personally I think we should show our attention 100% to the mass and not entertain ourselves. I know for myself when the wife and I are at a meeting or movie when I get bored I turn my attention to her (arm around her,put my head against hers) etc…

Think about it when your reading a good book typically your so absorbed (Intensely engaged; engrossed) into the book your not concentrating (Focus one’s attention or mental effort on a particular object or activity) on anything else. Shouldnt that be our mindset in mass?

It seems like a self fulfilling act.

Peace

Tim

 

[petitfleur]

I don’t think I have ever been at a Mass where everyone there behaved appropriately. There is always some teenager wearing a skirt too short or a low cut blouse. Kids whining and crying people whispering and snickering. I can focus on those or the Mass. I decided unless I was willing to actually do something about it I am not going to dwell on it or waste time getting upset. The only time I ever said something was to a young girl I knew pretty well and it was regarding her cleavage showing,she was 19. it did not go over well with her mom. So I probably won’t do that again.
I also remember once when a teenage boy was making disruptive noises during Mass. A woman got upset and indignant about it and said something, a little loudly after mass. It turns out the boy was autistic, I am sure she felt stupid after, I hope she did.
I am one of those awful parents who let my three year old son play on an iPad during Mass. Week after week I bought him with the family to Mass and he behaved badly and we had to leave with all the kids. I tried going into the overflow room where they have a screen showing Mass it was worse because it was full of kids running amuck, and decided it was not fair to the other kids. I stopped going to Mass for about a year because I dreaded taking my son( go ahead purse your lips and judge)
I started waking in the middle of the night full of anxiety knowing I was in mortal sin and damaging my kids souls. So I let my youngest play the iPad I don’t dread Mass, my three older kids are bought to Mass regularly I can focus on the Mass and homily, the people around me don’t have to hear my son whining. most importantly I sleep like a baby. I will deal with my son when he gets older.
I know it seems like a ranting tangent but we all need to focus on our own relationship with Christ not be the Mass police and worrying about what they are doing wrong!