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Xantippe
Guest
Have an actual invitation figured out first–a time and an event.
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Xantippe
Guest
Family can be weird (I believe the OP’s family is) and when you’re young, your friends aren’t going to know a lot more than you do.
So, believe it or not, internet ladies may be as good as it gets, at least for the basic mechanics of how to ask somebody out.
However, it is true that friends in real life may be able to tell the OP if he has any visible, fixable issues: dandruff, body odor, weird eye contact (too much, too little, whatever), bad conversational habits, or whatever. I’m not saying that the OP has any of those things (in which case, Hallelujah!) but that friends and family in real life are your first line of defense if there are any issues of that nature.
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Cruciferi
Guest
There’s also the option of seeking out professional counseling. I had a coworker who is still benefiting from biweekly visits to his counselor. The OP may also consider finding an extroverted friend who can help him build confidence 
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Joe_5859
Guest
@Melodeonist, I would encourage you not to spend too much time beating yourself up over it.
I really can identify with what you are going through. In high school and the first couple years of college, I’d play very similar conversations over and over in my head and in my journals. Months and months would go by with nothing changing because I never actually did anything about any of it.
It’s a tough roller coaster ride to get off of. I get that. You want to ask, you lose your nerve, you beat yourself up over it which only reduces your confidence level even more, lather, rinse, repeat. What helped me break the cycle was (1) putting more emphasis on my spiritual life; and (2) not thinking about girls all the time. Also, making friends with more people, including many girls, allowed me to realize they weren’t some scary, unapproachable “other”. Honestly, even then progress was in fits and starts. My first date and first girlfriend was with a girl who asked me out. (Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)
I get that it’s hard for you. We all have things we struggle with—some things are easier for us and other things are more difficult. But if you want things to change, you are going to have to take action. There is really no way around that. It might mean you fall on your face the first time or two. But really, that’s okay. I know it doesn’t seem like it’s okay on this side of things, but it really will be okay. You’ll survive, and you’ll have an interesting story to tell.
Keep praying.
I really can identify with what you are going through. In high school and the first couple years of college, I’d play very similar conversations over and over in my head and in my journals. Months and months would go by with nothing changing because I never actually did anything about any of it.
It’s a tough roller coaster ride to get off of. I get that. You want to ask, you lose your nerve, you beat yourself up over it which only reduces your confidence level even more, lather, rinse, repeat. What helped me break the cycle was (1) putting more emphasis on my spiritual life; and (2) not thinking about girls all the time. Also, making friends with more people, including many girls, allowed me to realize they weren’t some scary, unapproachable “other”. Honestly, even then progress was in fits and starts. My first date and first girlfriend was with a girl who asked me out. (Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)
I get that it’s hard for you. We all have things we struggle with—some things are easier for us and other things are more difficult. But if you want things to change, you are going to have to take action. There is really no way around that. It might mean you fall on your face the first time or two. But really, that’s okay. I know it doesn’t seem like it’s okay on this side of things, but it really will be okay. You’ll survive, and you’ll have an interesting story to tell.
Keep praying.
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TheLittleLady
Guest
Stop it already. Do not give Satan credit for what is simply immaturity.
Everyone has fear. As we mature we learn to face our fears and to act in the face of fear.
For some reason, it reads as if you sort of got stalled at around age 12 or 13 when it came to responsibility, maybe no one gave you the opportunity to be independent, to fail and to realize that failure is not the end of the world. (Insert soapbox about how the “everyone gets a trophy”/helicopter parent system produces fearful adults and that the only way to develop self confidence is to be permitted to fail)
I’m serious, have you considered joining ROTC or the Reserves/National Guard? Something to help you “fast track” into adulting?
Everyone has fear. As we mature we learn to face our fears and to act in the face of fear.
For some reason, it reads as if you sort of got stalled at around age 12 or 13 when it came to responsibility, maybe no one gave you the opportunity to be independent, to fail and to realize that failure is not the end of the world. (Insert soapbox about how the “everyone gets a trophy”/helicopter parent system produces fearful adults and that the only way to develop self confidence is to be permitted to fail)
I’m serious, have you considered joining ROTC or the Reserves/National Guard? Something to help you “fast track” into adulting?
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Theo520
Guest
Your approach is a good strategy for someone you are not already friends with.
In contrast the OP has shown for months that he is stalling in making any such request. He needs a strategy that will get him “off the pot” using a vernacular.
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Melodeonist
Guest
I saw her again today, but she was talking with an advisor or something so we just exchanged greetings. I didn’t really feel scared at all in this encounter, but I didn’t ask her out because she was doing something important and I wouldn’t want to waste her time.
I’m not afraid to talk to people. I love talking to people. I usually only have trouble talking to elderly people because I have no idea what they like. So when I’m around old people I usually just listen, but I’ve just found out old people like to tell and hear stories so now I tell them stuff which I thought would bore people.
As SGA president, she is often in the SGA office with the other leaders of the SGA. In theory I could stick my head in there and ask her out, but to me, that sounds far, FAR beyond creepy.
Here’s yet another option. Facebook allows for video/voice chat. Perhaps I could ask her out via those means? It seems, at least to me, much less awkward than asking her out via text. But what do I know?
She’s another imperfect human being just like me. I shouldn’t be afraid to ask her out. I won’t be afraid next time I see her. I’m going to ask her out no matter what next time. The fact that this thread has gone on for well over 200 posts is so absurd it’s almost comical. If she says yes, then great. If she says she’s busy I can just ask her out at a later date. If she says no, then we could still be friends, and at least there are other traditional Catholic girls out there.
I’m not afraid to talk to people. I love talking to people. I usually only have trouble talking to elderly people because I have no idea what they like. So when I’m around old people I usually just listen, but I’ve just found out old people like to tell and hear stories so now I tell them stuff which I thought would bore people.
As SGA president, she is often in the SGA office with the other leaders of the SGA. In theory I could stick my head in there and ask her out, but to me, that sounds far, FAR beyond creepy.
Here’s yet another option. Facebook allows for video/voice chat. Perhaps I could ask her out via those means? It seems, at least to me, much less awkward than asking her out via text. But what do I know?
She’s another imperfect human being just like me. I shouldn’t be afraid to ask her out. I won’t be afraid next time I see her. I’m going to ask her out no matter what next time. The fact that this thread has gone on for well over 200 posts is so absurd it’s almost comical. If she says yes, then great. If she says she’s busy I can just ask her out at a later date. If she says no, then we could still be friends, and at least there are other traditional Catholic girls out there.
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Cruciferi
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Xantippe
Guest
I’m still noping hard over here. Let me explain why invitations with no time attached are bad, even among friends.
Let us imagine that you have a friend who seems smitten with you that you are not interested in or that you have a friend who wants you to join in with some activity that you want to avoid.
“Theo520, could we go out to dinner some time? I’m free every night for the next four years–what works for you?”
or
“Theo520, I’d love to show you all of my favorite non-subtitled Uzbeki movies. It should take about 12 hours plus meal breaks. I’m free every Saturday from now until Judgment Day–what works for you?”
How do you turn an invitation like that down without rudeness/hurt feelings? The reason we give specific times and dates is so that the person we are inviting can gracefully refuse if they aren’t interested.
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Xantippe
Guest
Nah, it’s not creepy at all to just pop in and ask her out, especially if it’s something casual (the new pizza place or whatever) and it’s soon (like same day). What’s creepy is circling her for months without asking.
Noooo to the video/voice chat, unless you regularly communicate with her like that. I actually don’t think it’s terrible to ask her out by text, especially if it’s something casual and soon. No medals for bravery for doing it that way, but it means that both of you can put some thought into your phrasing and you’ll know you’re probably not interrupting.
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Joe_5859
Guest
When you put it that way, it doesn’t sound like a bad option.
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alice24
Guest
The OP never answers on the really tricky questions here, I think. It´s all “What are you doing man, make it better next time, ak her at this…or this…or this…situation” followed by “Oh, I am a coward…but I have my faults as she has…I am cradle and trad and there is satan…” etc.
This is a well working answer-response game.
This is a well working answer-response game.
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alice24
Guest
I´ve done the same thing, a simple text message, but not facebook (chance to simply not see the message is high, too many anoying people sending messages like this on facebook etc).
It´s a freedom to simply don´t give a response shy peolple won´t have face to face.
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Theo520
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LOL
You worded your request very different than I suggested.
Again, I agree making a specific ask is the best approach for MOST PEOPLE.
But if you never make the request, you just run scenarios in your head for months and months, torturing yourself, THEN telling them you enjoy their company and asking for a simple coffee (?) date accomplishes two key things:
- it clarifies your interest
- it creates a small step to move it forward.
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Cruciferi
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Xantippe
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I used to read a lot of etiquette stuff when I was a teen (which I strongly suggest to awkward young adults), and the advice I’m giving about giving a specific time is straight out of Miss Manners.
It’s not a real invitation unless there’s a time, place and activity suggested. So, “We should get together sometime for coffee” is not a real invitation, but “Hey, are you free to go get a cup of coffee together after the meeting tonight?” is a real invitation. As Miss Manners points out, a refusal of a specific invitation is less crushing and total than a refusal of, “Can we go out sometime?”
If she says no, that’s OK. He can ask her for something else again (pizza, going out for hot chocolate and walking around and looking at holiday decorations, etc.) some other time, but again–TIME, PLACE, ACTIVITY. Keep it specific and low pressure. Ask at most twice and if neither invitation works, the ball is in her court. If she says no, don’t keep asking to adjust it to something that works for her. Let her speak up with adjustments. If she wants to (and isn’t hopelessly awkward) and it really is a question of schedule rather than disinterest, she can say something like, “I can’t do coffee after the meeting because I’m supposed to talk to Chloe, but how about after Mass?”
Keep it casual and simple and be graceful about accepting a no. Don’t make it a big deal!
It’s not a real invitation unless there’s a time, place and activity suggested. So, “We should get together sometime for coffee” is not a real invitation, but “Hey, are you free to go get a cup of coffee together after the meeting tonight?” is a real invitation. As Miss Manners points out, a refusal of a specific invitation is less crushing and total than a refusal of, “Can we go out sometime?”
If she says no, that’s OK. He can ask her for something else again (pizza, going out for hot chocolate and walking around and looking at holiday decorations, etc.) some other time, but again–TIME, PLACE, ACTIVITY. Keep it specific and low pressure. Ask at most twice and if neither invitation works, the ball is in her court. If she says no, don’t keep asking to adjust it to something that works for her. Let her speak up with adjustments. If she wants to (and isn’t hopelessly awkward) and it really is a question of schedule rather than disinterest, she can say something like, “I can’t do coffee after the meeting because I’m supposed to talk to Chloe, but how about after Mass?”
Keep it casual and simple and be graceful about accepting a no. Don’t make it a big deal!
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TheLittleLady
Guest
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Xantippe
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I’m thinking Melodeonist may not do this, but just in case, don’t over-text people. Think of it as a tennis game, with you sending the ball to her and her bouncing it back to you, and so forth. Don’t serve a dozen tennis balls into her court non-stop. Serve and then wait for a response.
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Theo520
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We are almost at post 260, of people mostly giving advice similar to your suggestion. I think I initially made suggestions like yours.
What I’m now suggesting may have slightly lower odds of getting a yes, but if she did respond positively, it would then force the OP to select a definitive time and location for a date. The real problem here is procrastination, and usually a deadline works best to create action.
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