Being rejected at work

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Theresa1 said:
I didn’t burst into tears because she didnt say hi. That is incorrect. Finally her years of mean behavior just kind of hit me. But thank you for your reply
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As easy as it is to do (and I have done it myself) is a very bad habit to suffer slights that you are dredging up from the past. That’s the kind of thing you do when you’re dealing with your childhood, because when you were a child you don’t know how to handle things. Even when you are feeling upset about things your parents did, though, it is wise to put a limit on how much emotional energy you’re going to give to it.

I say this again out of experience: we do have the power to learn to decide how to handle our emotions surrounding these things. The people who shunned me were in our family, and they were pretty brutal about it. Now they are “over it” and the time for me to say anything to them about it is past. The experience put a limit on what sorts of trust I’m going to place in them, but for our own sakes it is better to get beyond these things and realize that we can choose to handle them with more fortitude.

I should say that we usually do. Sometimes, we are going through something that really is beyond our ability to cope. If you are in that situation and have really tried to buck up and put your attention on things that are more profitable for you, I would encourage you to get outside help “with skin on.” We can’t look you in the eye, reassure you that we do not think you are a baby, give you a hug and let you know that we know you can rise above this. That’s the kind of thing real counseling or a real mentor from your social circle can do for you. Do resolve, however, that you ARE going to learn how to rise above, training your sensitive nature not to dwell too much on hurts that you feel, using it mostly as fuel for your empathy for others. Then you will make the most of the emotional equipment you have, I think.
 
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Theresa1 said:
Constant praise and returning a greeting are different and responding to work queries appropriately is also different from wanting constant praise, dont you think?
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Not necessarily. If someone doesn’t say hi, after a while, then you dust off your feet and move on. To go for years with the same behavior and expect a different response is the same thing as those who want constant praise. Sometimes, its just not about you. That’s it.
 
Theresa1 said:
Thank you Petra
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We do all wish you the best, even though we are very different in how we put it.

I think that gives you an idea about what you are up against at work. Now your task is to find the way through it that will leave you with the most serenity:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.
Amen.

If continuing to say “hi” and “goodbye” to her seems the most right to do, then do it.
If talking to her only when necessary and when spoken to seems better, do that.
It really depends on whether you think Romans 12:20 or Matt. 7:6 fits the situation better.
 
I really am sorry this is happening to you! sending hugs

I would advise you to follow St. Therese of Lisieux’s example. I think there was a sister who annoyed her at the convent but Therese made it her goal to continue being kind even when it was hard and one time the sister said something along the lines of “I don’t know what you find attractive about me,” and in Therese’s heart she knew it was because she tried to see Christ and the good in everyone.
Perhaps find something good about this coworker and say it to her. Reach out to her and continue to pray for her. Sometimes a hello and goodbye could mean something to someone but they don’t know how to react when it comes from someone they don’t know how to treat.
EDIT: Since it seems that she’s been rude in the past, perhaps just ignore her besides the hello and goodbye. Be kind and polite and pray for her but you don’t have to go out of your way for someone who is rude. I know it’s hard to not be accepted, I’ve dealt with it a lot but you’re accepted through Christ Jesus and you’ve always got a friend in Him. Maybe find another coworker to befriend?
I’ll pray this goes better for you!
 
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Was she always like that from when you met her or did it happen one day out of the blue?
 
I would say that there are nice and not that nice people everywhere.
You have a good heart.
Just ignore her. If things piled up, consider talking to your boss maybe? Or change seat/team.
If even your boss doesn’t want to solve this, consider staying in the job and ignore the bad things; or find a new job.
Please remember that God cares for each one of us. Things happen for a reason.
Find happiness in those who care for you.
Sincerely.
 
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You also can think of this as one of those little crosses God has asked you to carry in this life. We all have some. Some are small, others medium, and then large. This one, as I’m sure you can realize, is not so very big compared to others.
 
I was in a very similar situation. Involved hr, my boss etc. but no success. At some point, to preserve my own sanity, I stopped showing that I cared about my coworker or that I had hurt feeling about the way I was treated. Guess what? Once ignored, the coworker wanted to come to friendly terms again. I think some (sick) people thrive on negative attention.
 
aroosi said:
I was in a very similar situation. Involved hr, my boss etc. but no success. At some point, to preserve my own sanity, I stopped showing that I cared about my coworker or that I had hurt feeling about the way I was treated. Guess what? Once ignored, the coworker wanted to come to friendly terms again. I think some (sick) people thrive on negative attention.
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Sometimes people have weird little interior conversations going that either have nothing to do with us or else have nothing to do with reality. They also may be struggling with emotions towards us that they know are inappropriate and unfair but that they are having difficulty working through, such as being jealous and either knowing it and not liking themselves about it or else trying to blame us for their difficult feelings. It can be a hundred things, but none of which we can control or can change (or help) by direct confrontation. Sometimes, you have no choice but to “let go and let God.” Things often go much better if the person can get themselves to believe that you were none the wiser or didn’t make any bad attribution about their odd behavior.

Then, of course, there is this famous (or infamous) story about how differently the same situation can appear to two different people. (My apologies to those who have read this posted by me before; I am disproportionately fond of this one, LOL):

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can’t explain his behavior I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Diary:

A five putt; who the &*^$ five putts ?
 
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I completely empathize with the overthinking anxiety and worry. It can drive someone insane…literally…to the point of physical heart pain.
 
Arbovirus said:
I completely empathize with the overthinking anxiety and worry. It can drive someone insane…literally…to the point of physical heart pain.
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If you combine it with someone who does something thoughtless without a lot of concern or even awareness that it is upsetting, you can have a lot of damage adding up fast between two people who really do not have any intended emnity between them. There have been some sad cases.

Shunning behaviors really are the “gift that keeps on giving.” Once someone has been the target of covert aggression, it can be a lot of work to shake this feeling that they’re the target of dislike or marginalization, even after those who did that to them have forgotten all about it and have their previous target off their radar. I know of people who think everything is hunky dory who were quite surprised to find the target of their shunning was still hurt and still took things as slights that were no longer meant as slights. This isn’t just middle school girls, either. It happens between adults.
 
At the heart of this is all the same issue.

You can’t control her behaviour. You can sit with HR, discuss it with a boss, whatever, but you can’t control her behaviour.

What you can control is how you respond to her behaviour.

Instead of looking at ways to change HER - which you can’t do - look at how you change your response to the situation.

I’ve dealt with workplace bullies. I’m dealing with a horrible bully inside our church. We all see it, and no one knows what to do about it because of this person’s position. I can’t change THEM. But I can change how I respond. For me, that means that I choose not to deal with them. If they cannot be civil and courteous, then I don’t extend them a greeting. I don’t feel badly about it and I don’t make a big deal about it. I just move on.

I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not saying it doesn’t come with difficult days. And I’ve seen a therapist to help me deal with my own feelings and shortcomings. But it is allowing me to grow as a person.
 
So, you’ve had trouble recently with two separate co-workers? With one HR got involved and with this most recent one she is unfriendly to the point that you cry? Is this a new situation that is perhaps caused by any outside stressors in your life? Do you have positive interactions or peers at work that you can spend time with to at least build some sort of a support system? If not, could you look for a person or two to connect with for some social support? They don’t have to be at the desk right next to you. With e-mail, etc., they could be on a different floor or down the hall or you could go to lunch or take a break together.
 
You can either ignore her totally. Or, make a big point of saying hi to her, smile, look very happy and confident.

I understand how you feel. It is hurtful and painful for you. Try and be strong. All the very best.
 
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What is icing? Is that like the silent treatment because I do things like that a lot…
 
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