Building a wall

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Brutal honesty does put up a wall between you and the other person, and puts them in defense mode and makes them resistant.

It’s very easy to deliver truth without filters. But never think you are persuading the person to postive change. You’re just helping them dig in thier heels, most times jump 4 joy.

If something is not working for you it’s time to look within.
 
I don’t know why it is difficult for me to change. It seems pointless. I’ll never be perfect. The world will be imperfect
 
Jump4Joy said:
Instead of obsessing over his flaws and wasting time resenting anyone who dares to tell him the truth or holds a differing opinion, he should change. He quit seeing a shrink because his shrink told him he has irrational thoughts, unreasonable expectations, and deep need for validation. He’s been like this since junior high. Why can’t he move on and fix his faults?
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You cannot change other people, and nor can you help them if they don’t want your help, or if they think they are just fine as they are. I have a very good friend in another state who reacts in similar ways to how you describe your friend. I have learned over the years to stop criticising him, and instead to pray earnestly for him, and believe it or not, there have been major changes in his life for the better. Also, it is good for all of us to remember Christ’s reprimand: ‘Hypocrite! Take the log out of your own eye first, and then you will see clearly enough to take the splinter out of your brother’s eye’ (Matthew 7:5).
 
Jump4Joy said:
I don’t know why it is difficult for me to change. It seems pointless. I’ll never be perfect.
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You’ve said many times how difficult or impossible it seems for you to change. But you are expecting your friend to change and be perfect and “man up.” Do you see the double-standard in that? It is just as hard for him to change as well. And being harshly told of all his short-comings will only make him more stubborn and refuse to change even more.

Instead of focusing on his faults, work on your own. Are you growing in love, patience, gentleness, and self-control towards him and others? It would be incredibly offensive to be continually criticized by someone who displayed all the same faults of character she was accusing me of. I’ve been in that situation before, actually. It doesn’t end well.

Nowhere does the Church teach we should be brutally pointing out each other’s faults. The opposite, actually. We are supposed to bear each others faults with love and patience. Pray for each other, not attack. Recognize our own sins first. Put each other first before our own desires. Desire his good first, not yours. Be the hands and feet of Jesus to him, not the tongue of the Pharisees.

Try loving him for who he is and praying for him. Real prayer, not complaining to God about all his faults. Ask God to bless him and to show you your faults. Bite your tongue every time you want to criticize. And consider getting away from the situation–it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. I would suggest therapy to understand why he has been calling you manipulative and controlling.
 
Joy,

You’ve had these same questions for years, about (apparently) multiple different people. What is it that leads you to ask again and again? What is it that you aren’t hearing?

I’m honestly wondering if you’re doing some kind of thought experiment here - are you changing a situation about yourself to get outside opinions? Are you hypothesising on human nature in general? I truly don’t understand.
 
Jump4Joy said:
I’m just happy life doesn’t operate the way I wish it did.
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Are you? It doesn’t sound like you’re happy at all. All this finding fault with people, several people. At the same time you have several finding fault with you. It must be exhausting to live that way.

I think I remember you saying you were seeing a therapist? Have you talked to them about this?
 
ShowersofRoses said:
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Jump4Joy:
I don’t know why it is difficult for me to change. It seems pointless. I’ll never be perfect.
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You’ve said many times how difficult or impossible it seems for you to change. But you are expecting your friend to change and be perfect and “man up.” Do you see the double-standard in that? It is just as hard for him to change as well. And being harshly told of all his short-comings will only make him more stubborn and refuse to change even more.

Instead of focusing on his faults, work on your own. Are you growing in love, patience, gentleness, and self-control towards him and others? It would be incredibly offensive to be continually criticized by someone who displayed all the same faults of character she was accusing me of. I’ve been in that situation before, actually. It doesn’t end well.

Nowhere does the Church teach we should be brutally pointing out each other’s faults. The opposite, actually. We are supposed to bear each others faults with love and patience. Pray for each other, not attack. Recognize our own sins first. Put each other first before our own desires. Desire his good first, not yours. Be the hands and feet of Jesus to him, not the tongue of the Pharisees.

Try loving him for who he is and praying for him. Real prayer, not complaining to God about all his faults. Ask God to bless him and to show you your faults. Bite your tongue every time you want to criticize. And consider getting away from the situation–it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. I would suggest therapy to understand why he has been calling you manipulative and controlling.
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This, this and again this! If I could give this post a thousand likes I would. The advice given herein is exactly the way I try(and usually fail) to live my life every day. Thank you, ShowersofRoses! ❤️
 
Jump4Joy said:
Nope, okay fine, I’m not. Maybe our mother Mary will help me
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Well, if you know you’re not happy you can do something about it. See a therapist, if you’re not already. Find people who don’t want to tear you down all the time, people who want to support you and spend time with you. Grow in your faith, talk to a Priest. Let yourself find peace.
 
Thank you @kill051 and @Irishmom2! 😀
That is the standard, but I wish I didn’t fall so woefully short of it in my own life, either! :confused:
 
Shouldn’t everyone be striving to improve instead of building a wall to avoid criticism? Criticism is a part of life. Mature adults should be able to handle it, regardless of the level of tact. Mature adults should not hold resentment towards others with differing opinions and truly shouldn’t care what others think.
 
He has ditched me and accused me of mothering him. Why don’t some people appreciate others showing them concern? I’m being a good friend. Should I pretend his immature ways are correct? He hates when I tell him he’s immature. Complained our relationship is too one-sided and that I’m always complaining about him and he rarely ever complains about me. That the criticism in our relationship is always directed towards him. But I’m right. I think if he lived his life correctly, I would back off.
 
Jump4Joy said:
He has ditched me and accused me of mothering him. Why don’t some people appreciate others showing them concern? I’m being a good friend. Should I pretend his immature ways are correct? He hates when I tell him he’s immature. Complained our relationship is too one-sided and that I’m always complaining about him and he rarely ever complains about me. That the criticism in our relationship is always directed towards him. But I’m right. I think if he lived his life correctly, I would back off.
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Well, I hope ‘being right’ is a great comfort to you, because it seems you have driven this person away with your hectoring, self-righteous attitude. I wish you more success with the other friends in your life. God bless you.
 
To be vulnerable and honest, I can get FRUSTRATED my life is not exactly how I planned and wished it could be. It can annoying seeing someone waste their life away.
 
Well, you say that he has ‘ditched’ you…
So, why not take the opportunity to get your own act together, see other friends, meet new people? And, when they say something about you having too critical an attitude, well, listen! You shouldn’t base every thought you have on others’ opinions, but if they are the people you have chosen to be friends with, you obviously value their opinions.
And, if this guy tries to re-form the relationship, take it slow. Forgive him, if he asks your to, but don’t jump to the level you were on before. That way, you won’t always be seeing the behavior that annoyed you before…at least not as much, and maybe concentrate on the things that attracted you to each other to begin with.
Take care, and God Bless!
 
Why can’t people follow the good, honest advice given to them instead of getting defensive? Life is about change. It is our duty as a good friend to tell people the truth or point of their errors. Some people think someone telling them the truth is being mean
 
Jump4Joy said:
He is more upset that he never asked for my help. I want him to grow up. He considers it meddling in his life because I challenge him to be a better person. He is describing me as being pushy and controlling.
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He probably has an avoidant personality disorder. My ex-husband is exactly like this. Supposedly I controlled his life “with an iron fist” and always criticized him. Ha! No.

He thought he would find someone else who would accept him exactly as he is (he is someone who avoids all contact and conversation with other people). Boy he’s found out that no one wants to accept him as he is.

So yes, people should change. We all should change to become better people each day. But some people never will.
 
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