Can conservative Catholic men become controlling in marriage?

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I spoke to my pastor about a man I met on a Catholic dating site. My father is deceased, and I had read this man’s profile for a while, he was successful, in his mid 30’s, but on that site for so long, I was impressed that he made some prolife marches and protests, but one line in his profile made me feel so small, it stated simply, “I need a woman who will be obedient,” this really skewed my view of him, since I wasn’t really sure about him, I told my pastor the details. He was pretty clear and honest to me about this man who was very devout, and could be this bad controlling man in my life. It read slave to me. Chances were good with that man, it could have been. This is just an example of the dozens on blunders in dating now. What you have to settle for. I read in the past two days on here, someone saying that in their honest opinion, there is 1% pool or opportunity. A needle in a haystack to find that great person for you, someone that is Catholic, stable, and devout. I am inclined to agree. While it is true that there are amazing, good hearted holy devout men/women out there, it is really difficult to get a hold on one that can pass the mutual liking stage.
 
Lady_Bug said:
Gosh - I’m not entirely fond of my subject title and you know what - if you are a man and this DOESN’T apply to you - then good! I am asking as a single woman.

I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I am quite conservative and it would be nice for me to share the most important views of mine if I were married. I feel that if I don’t, I lack the ability to have any real substantive conversations without feeling the frustration and the chasm that follows.

But I am worried that some Christian men may abuse the “submit to your husbands in everything” clause to be overbearing or control freaks. It’s like I don’t want a nominal or “liberal” Christian but I am starting to get worried that a conservative one will be too controlling. I keep trying to tell myself that in a true Christian marriage, this would not happen. but anyway.

How do I go about such a thing? Is seeking a devout Catholic man asking to be controlled, or are there good men that realize that the submission clause is not a license to boss your wife around? it’s good to choose a man who would be a good leader - spiritually, especially. but can such leadership be abused?

I have a feeling that this could be an offensive post sigh But what can I do - not ask? I want to ask because it’s important for me :o:o
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Okay, yes, devout Catholic men can be control freaks, but quite frankly, I don’t think he’s any more likely to be controlling than a less devout Catholic or a non-Catholic. Jews. Mormons, Buddhists, and Atheists all have their bossy men. The best thing I can say is to do your best to determine what kind of husband he will be before you marry him.

I don’t want to dismiss your concern, and I don’t think it’s offensive. I think it’s good to be thinking about what kind of husband one wants before one goes “shopping” for him. And, if you both have the idea that marriage is the point of dating, you can have frank discussions along the lines of “what kind of husband and father are you going to be,” rather than playing your cards close to the vest and concealing your designs on a proposal, like women these days seem to be taught to do. That might be a good idea–if you think he’s going to be controlling, ask him.

God bless you and your future hubbin,
-S-
 
Lady_Bug said:
Gosh - I’m not entirely fond of my subject title and you know what - if you are a man and this DOESN’T apply to you - then good! I am asking as a single woman.

I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I am quite conservative and it would be nice for me to share the most important views of mine if I were married. I feel that if I don’t, I lack the ability to have any real substantive conversations without feeling the frustration and the chasm that follows.

But I am worried that some Christian men may abuse the “submit to your husbands in everything” clause to be overbearing or control freaks. It’s like I don’t want a nominal or “liberal” Christian but I am starting to get worried that a conservative one will be too controlling. I keep trying to tell myself that in a true Christian marriage, this would not happen. but anyway.

How do I go about such a thing? Is seeking a devout Catholic man asking to be controlled, or are there good men that realize that the submission clause is not a license to boss your wife around? it’s good to choose a man who would be a good leader - spiritually, especially. but can such leadership be abused?

I have a feeling that this could be an offensive post sigh But what can I do - not ask? I want to ask because it’s important for me :o:o
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It’s just like anywhere else. Some of them are and some aren’t. My exhusband was a Catholic and he would hold the “submit to your husbands in everything” clause over my head and was a control freak to say the least. Now, I am remarried. Again, to a Catholic man. Whenever I bring up the “submit to your husbands in everything” clause he mentions that the BIBLE also says, “husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church”. He sees us as equal partners. So, I guess it just depends on the individual man.
 
Hi, LadyBug:

In my humble experience, I believe the opposite is actually true for most Catholic husbands.

I have observed the situation you mention much more among evangelical Christians. Also, living in California as I do, there is the ‘machismo’ factor among traditional Latin husbands, but that has nothing to do with the Catholic church.

Good luck
 
Lady_Bug said:
Look anyone who got offended here. GET offended then! :mad:

I asked this because I am the only really spiritual person in my family and my father thinks I’m too spiritual and that “religious” people are bad. I’m asking this because I WANT a conservative man. We were discussing my preferences in a marriage partner and when he found out that I want someone with the same values (i.e. Christian with high morals), he equates it with a man who is overbearing and controlling and fanatic. I tried telling him that a religious person doesn’t have to be a good person but conversely, a good person will have a degree of religiosity to them - and that many bad people do NOT have enough God in their life, etc.

So I wanted to ask this question to PREVENT myself from getting into a situation in which I’m overly-controlled by a “conservative” man YET who has the same morals and faith as me. I DO NOT want a liberal or nominal man either. In relation to the rest of modern society, I WOULD be considered “fanatic.” In relation to someone who is spiritual, I lack that fervor, but I still care deeply about maintaining a proper relationship to God.

Hence there’s why I am asking this.

If there’s any consolation (and I’m sure it’s not for those who are impervious to reconciliation), I’m sure there are tons of men who are scared sick of the thought of quarrelsome wives, so it’s a two-way street.

I’m sorry that I did offend but I have a feeling my apology won’t matter 😦
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Lady Bug- I didn’t find your question offensive at all. There are some pretty wild questions asked on forums these days, and this seemed very sincere to me!! In regards to how you worded it… it’s fine to me too (ha, and I’m an editor/writer for a living for what it’s worth lol). To the marrieds and men who may have been offended… cut some slack, okay? Alot of us modern singles weren’t exactly raised in ideal, Catholic families filled with amazing examples of Catholic men or spiritual leaders. Sometimes we have to ask questions like this to get some perspective.
 
Does everyone agree with me or does everyone already have me on ignore list? 😛 The lack of flames is kinda disturbing. 😛
 
OLHope said:
I spoke to my pastor about a man I met on a Catholic dating site. My father is deceased, and I had read this man’s profile for a while, he was successful, in his mid 30’s, but on that site for so long, I was impressed that he made some prolife marches and protests, but one line in his profile made me feel so small, it stated simply, “I need a woman who will be obedient,”
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Bwahahahaha. This makes me laugh ironically because I’ve known people (a person) like this.
 
OLHope said:
I spoke to my pastor about a man I met on a Catholic dating site. My father is deceased, and I had read this man’s profile for a while, he was successful, in his mid 30’s, but on that site for so long, I was impressed that he made some prolife marches and protests, but one line in his profile made me feel so small, it stated simply, “I need a woman who will be obedient,” this really skewed my view of him, since I wasn’t really sure about him, I told my pastor the details. He was pretty clear and honest to me about this man who was very devout, and could be this bad controlling man in my life. It read slave to me. Chances were good with that man, it could have been. This is just an example of the dozens on blunders in dating now. What you have to settle for. I read in the past two days on here, someone saying that in their honest opinion, there is 1% pool or opportunity. A needle in a haystack to find that great person for you, someone that is Catholic, stable, and devout. I am inclined to agree. While it is true that there are amazing, good hearted holy devout men/women out there, it is really difficult to get a hold on one that can pass the mutual liking stage.
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*He had that posted in his profile? Yikes! *
 
GraceDK said:
Hon, I know what you mean.
I have pondered the same issues.
Religious people have a temptation to become proud or dominant and this can also happen in a marriage. I’d hate to marry a guy who somehow thought less of me and my abilities as an individual person because I am a woman…
My fear was only hightened the other day when I listened to a talk by Peter Kreft on EWTN about women in the priesthood. This learned and very cheered man, whom every Catholic man seems to swollow uncritically, repulsed me so deeply with his arrogance and his speculations, taking the church hostage while he was demeaning his philosophical female opponents etc… I am not pro-women priests but on that day I thought: I am glad I am part of European Cathcolicism because some of the men overthere in America are suffocating and arrogant in their thinking…
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Could you explain a little bit more about what you mean about his talk? I am listening to it and only hearing perfect enunciation as far as arrogance goes. I’d really like to hear more about what you mean. you can pm me if you want.
 
Dakota if that was the same guy, I would not be surprised.

Yeah WG, praise the lord you found gold in your dear family, it is just about that difficult to find someone who has all the elements you’re looking for. Not all profiles are like that, it is funny though, the ones that stand out, and you have to shake your head and laugh it off.😛
 
Lady_Bug said:
you know what though?

what he said in his profile was in a way - a blessing in disguise. wouldn’t it be worse if he had HID that information? :eek:
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Oh for sure! It was a red flag. The whole profile was pretty pompous and pretentious after that. I sure can pick em! :rotfl:
 
EspositoJoe said:
Hi, LadyBug:

In my humble experience, I believe the opposite is actually true for most Catholic husbands.

I have observed the situation you mention much more among evangelical Christians. Also, living in California as I do, there is the ‘machismo’ factor among traditional Latin husbands, but that has nothing to do with the Catholic church.

Good luck
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esposito, thank you for your reassurance in this. I did think about the Evangelical Christian thing last night (you see, I even think about this post when I’m not at the computer :cool:) and lo and behold I see a post about it (but again, I don’t want to offend with any attempt at generalization because I’m NOT).

given your username I am guessing you may be Hispanic. Can you elaborate a little on the machismo thing? LOL. I’ve seen the term before but just asking.
awantz said:
It’s just like anywhere else. Some of them are and some aren’t. My exhusband was a Catholic and he would hold the “submit to your husbands in everything” clause over my head and was a control freak to say the least. Now, I am remarried. Again, to a Catholic man. Whenever I bring up the “submit to your husbands in everything” clause he mentions that the BIBLE also says, “husbands love your wives as Christ loves the church”. He sees us as equal partners. So, I guess it just depends on the individual man.
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maybe it’s a mixed bag. It’s really nice you found a match in this 2nd man.
zaramarie81 said:
Lady Bug- I didn’t find your question offensive at all. There are some pretty wild questions asked on forums these days, and this seemed very sincere to me!! In regards to how you worded it… it’s fine to me too (ha, and I’m an editor/writer for a living for what it’s worth lol). To the marrieds and men who may have been offended… cut some slack, okay? Alot of us modern singles weren’t exactly raised in ideal, Catholic families filled with amazing examples of Catholic men or spiritual leaders. Sometimes we have to ask questions like this to get some perspective.
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I definitely would have reworded it if I were able to edit it but thank you for understanding.

I was definitely not raised in the ideal Catholic family (I wasn’t raised Catholic at ALL) - I have had a couple examples in life in my immediate family where I have a very imposing brother (to the point where I avoid talking to him unless absolutely necessarily - sadly) and a father who doesn’t “control” per se but can be quite sticky when you he wants you to believe something (or not believe something). If I were entering marriage I would hope to find a relief from this - not going back to the same ol’.

Of course there are controlling, domineering women as wives - but since I’m not looking for a wife why would I ask about that? :p:pI’m asking as a woman 🙂
 
kage_ar said:
The Truth of the Church is the same in the entire world, there is no difference between European Catholicism or American Catholicism, truth is truth.
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Then it would appear you have not been to Europe, or only as a two week vacationer. Europe has a history far, far longer than that in the US, with memories that won’t let go, and history is repleat with wars that were partly politics, partly theology. The hatred of the Catholic Church runs far deeper there than here, and is sourced in part due to the times the Church was involved in politics as well as theology.
 
Lady_Bug said:
Gosh - I’m not entirely fond of my subject title and you know what - if you are a man and this DOESN’T apply to you - then good! I am asking as a single woman.

I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I am quite conservative and it would be nice for me to share the most important views of mine if I were married. I feel that if I don’t, I lack the ability to have any real substantive conversations without feeling the frustration and the chasm that follows.

But I am worried that some Christian men may abuse the “submit to your husbands in everything” clause to be overbearing or control freaks. It’s like I don’t want a nominal or “liberal” Christian but I am starting to get worried that a conservative one will be too controlling. I keep trying to tell myself that in a true Christian marriage, this would not happen. but anyway.

How do I go about such a thing? Is seeking a devout Catholic man asking to be controlled, or are there good men that realize that the submission clause is not a license to boss your wife around? it’s good to choose a man who would be a good leader - spiritually, especially. but can such leadership be abused?

I have a feeling that this could be an offensive post sigh But what can I do - not ask? I want to ask because it’s important for me :o:o
Click to expand...
Having done divorce work for 12 years, I ahve seen controlling men and controlling women; women who use their brains only to keep their ears far enough apart to make sure their earrings dangle, men who are oblivious to the fact that she is a person, and so many other stripes as to wonder truly what God hath wrought.

Beware not ony the control freak, but also the pit all too many women fall into "After marriage [he will change] *. Keep you wits about you in dating; see what type of person he is; see who his friends really are; pay attention to his parents (that is, worry less about whether or not you are pleasing (to) them and watch how they interact. Not all men follow in the footsteps of their fathers; nor are all men molded completely by their mothers. But both parents can have significant impact on how a man perceives his spouse; his greatest lessons on mariage came from how they treated each other.

Don’t let your emotion completely control your vision. Go slowly. and for your sake, presume that what you see is what you get, and it ain’ta gonna change.*
 
LadyBug,

I agree with the poster who noted that a controlling man may find religiosity comfortable, because it is predictable and he doesn’t have to adapt to change. I also agree about evangelical protestant men.

You can ask men straight out what they believe, and that will tell you a lot, but given that controllers are sometimes good at hiding, it would also be wise to make sure you experience some annoying and difficult things together, to see how he really acts.

Trust your gut. You’re old enough and mature enough not to miss the red flags. Don’t try to talk yourself out of being concerned.
 
Code:
GraceDK said:
Hon, I know what you mean.
I have pondered the same issues.
Religious people have a temptation to become proud or dominant and this can also happen in a marriage. I’d hate to marry a guy who somehow thought less of me and my abilities as an individual person because I am a woman…
My fear was only hightened the other day when I listened to a talk by Peter Kreft on EWTN about women in the priesthood. This learned and very cheered man, whom every Catholic man seems to swollow uncritically, repulsed me so deeply with his arrogance and his speculations, taking the church hostage while he was demeaning his philosophical female opponents etc… I am not pro-women priests but on that day I thought: I am glad I am part of European Cathcolicism because some of the men overthere in America are suffocating and arrogant in their thinking…
Click to expand...
Quit generalizing, a man that is a good Christian Catholic and understands the nature of the Church and her teaching and participates is not going to be a problem. The fact that some misuse religion as a way to gain power and recognition is just a reality that can happen in many other areas. Participate in the sacraments, read about the Saints visit the beauty of the churches, engage in apologetics (like here) that is where the faith comes alive and with that God’s grace.
 
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