Can You Really Have Two Many Kids?

[Rob_s_Wife]

No but in our case I think we’d be forcing my will over what God’s will if I had a child right now especially since I am not “taking into full consideration their duties towards themselves, their children already born, the family and society” by fully knowing I cannot literally provide for another child, thus not taking into full consideration how it will impact my child and family already living.

To the best of my knowledge there’s not a human alive who can force God’s will to bend to theirs.

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**If that was so, there’d be a heck of a lot less people crying for babies they haven’t been able to have. **

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And are we only to consider the financial/material impact?
**What about the love of a sibling long after parents are dead? Someone to share the burdens of elderly parents with? Does such things have no value when we place these future souls on the scales to weigh the worth of having them vs not having them? **

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**I have no issue with you using nfp, just tossing general thoughts out for general consideration at this point. **

 

[dlltoms]

If i would have aborted my son as my now x-husband wanted me to almost 45 years ago, I would not have had him or the 3 daughters 9 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren I have now. Some of my Grandchildren never knew their grandparents on the other side as they were gone before they were born so I am the only blood grandmother of 6 of them. Being and parent doesn’t stop when they leave your home it goes on and it is a great resposibility My x husband didn’t even wait for me to file for divorce before he moved in with some other woman and then as soon as the civil divorce was grantend they were married in lake Tahoe, Nv. he now wants my grown children to call her step mom really. she has never had children because she didn’t want them now I am susposed to give her mine. Sign my rights to my children and Grandchildren over to her I don’t think so. Believe me 45 years ago I never ever thought I would be divorced at 62 but i am and that is the way of things. As far as birth control I used the pill after my son was born he was a premee and i had some female problems and taking those pills I got another blessing taking them so sometimes it doesn’t matter what you do God is going to give you what he wants you to have no matter what you plan that is the way I look at things always have. i also miscarried 2. My Grandmother on my mothers side had 17 and there were some that passed in childhood but 12 lived to adulthood 8 boys fought in the 2nd world war and all came home to raise familys none of them were president or anything else they were commercial fisherman and carpenters and bridge and boat builders. None had college educations either. Most had 8th grade educations simple and plain as that they were the working people of the united states like most of the rest of us. we learn by experience not something out of books other than the words of our lord and savior. I married a man that didn 't want me to shove my religion down his throat I didn’t but I still pray to our mother and I love her as i love my own mother and father. There is 5 of us 4 girls 1 son. My mom and her 2 sisters married my dad and his two bothers so there is 16 of us that are double cousins so we never got away from the big family and never wanted to we learned to share we passed cloths around when our babies were growing up and that helped in the clothing department. We buy at st vinnies and good will and the salvation army. My mom would buy things and my sister and i would take it apart and make new skirts and cloths out of the fabric. I have a vintage coat I wear in the winter that a woman gave me many years ago. It is from the 30s and i get the best complaments from it. i don’t need a fancy house on a hill over looking some vally just a small home that I can call my own. where my children can come home and feel loved and wanted not a burden simple plain as that that is the way I felt in my parents house and that is what I want for my own.

 

[TweetyBird]

There is nothing at all wrong with YOU thinking YOU should use nfp at this time.

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There IS something wrong with thinking that it is required** by the Church to base that decision on how a child would impact the family. It is an option, not a requirement of anyone.

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The number one priority of a responsible parent is raising any child to be faithful to God and Church. All else is gravy. Some parents want more gravy for their kids. That’s fine and dandy, but not a requirement of God/Church.

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**To twist words a bit, are you saying it is irresponsible of Our Father to create His children in such situations? Surely not? **

Ditto.

 

[barronfamily7]

Dearest Maria, if GOD chooses to send you a child, then it is certainly HIS will, and not yours.

I want to add another scenario. I’ve been hoping someone else would say this, but it hasn’t happened, so here goes. My apologies in advance if it offends anyone. My dh and I were talking about this the other day. I hope this helps people to look at this issue from a different angle. Suppose there is a couple in Africa (or fill in any severely depressed continent or country). They know that to have a child means that child will either grow up in extreme poverty or die in childhood. Suppose they nonetheless choose to give reign to God in this area. Suppose they have 5 children, all of whom die in childhood. Yeah, I know someone is going to respond back that this is the sickest, most horrible, irresponsible post imaginable. While you’re at it, remind me I promised not to post again, and bear with me, please. Ok, the question is, was this couple irresponsible? Now the question really is, who created those little lives? It is GOD ALMIGHTY. Is He irresponsible? Surely He knew their circumstances. Second, and much more importantly, eventually the inevitable will happen and this couple WILL die. Should they make it to Heaven, guess who will be there waiting for them for ETERNITY. Yes, those 5 little children. Do you think they will regret allowing God to send them? No way. Would they have been wrong to use NFP to prevent them? Of course not. But they have every right not to do so. You see life can only be created here in our very short little lives on Earth. We don’t have the right to tell other people they can’t have children.

As a last note, I saw Pope Benedict XVI interviewed by Raymond Arroyo on EWTN. He said he was tired of people always pointing out what the Catholic Church is against. They don’t look at what we are FOR. I think this whole debate is a prime example of that. What should make us different as Catholics is not that we are anti-birth control, but that we are pro-LIFE. Get it? It’s a beautiful, beautiful teaching, unique in the Christian world. We are not accidents of nature, we are wanted, willed into being. Each life is precious. I can’t understand the strong opposition to it. Are we living our lives for this world or the next one?

 

[Truly_Beloved]

Am I mistaken, or did the same beloved Pope who encouraged prayerful consideration of family size also praise those generous married couples who left control over family size totally to God?

I thought it went something along the lines of: Leaving it all up to God is most generous, but if you can’t bring yourself to do it this way, then prayerfully discern family size. In this discernment, NFP is permitted to accomplish the desired effect (either by limiting the number of children you have or helping you have more).

Am I in error?

 

[maria29]

Am I mistaken, or did the same beloved Pope who encouraged prayerful consideration of family size also praise those generous married couples who left control over family size totally to God?

I thought it went something along the lines of: Leaving it all up to God is most generous, but if you can’t bring yourself to do it this way, then prayerfully discern family size. In this discernment, NFP is permitted to accomplish the desired effect (either by limiting the number of children you have or helping you have more).

Am I in error?

**Oh I really love you…thank you for getting the point across in such few sentences…I think that NFP is a wonderful thing and I posted the qoute from Pope John Paul II to sum up the feelings I have about it and why I think its great thing in marriage.Like I said previously, its not an infallibile statement so do what one wants with the information at hand.

My sentences today have been a little muddled as I am dealing with money being stolen out of my wallet while at work yesterday and while for many of you I am sure $12.00 isn’t much its like a million to me. **

Dearest Maria, if GOD chooses to send you a child, then it is certainly HIS will, and not yours.

I want to add another scenario. I’ve been hoping someone else would say this, but it hasn’t happened, so here goes. My apologies in advance if it offends anyone. My dh and I were talking about this the other day. I hope this helps people to look at this issue from a different angle. Suppose there is a couple in Africa (or fill in any severely depressed continent or country). They know that to have a child means that child will either grow up in extreme poverty or die in childhood. Suppose they nonetheless choose to give reign to God in this area. Suppose they have 5 children, all of whom die in childhood. Yeah, I know someone is going to respond back that this is the sickest, most horrible, irresponsible post imaginable. While you’re at it, remind me I promised not to post again, and bear with me, please. Ok, the question is, was this couple irresponsible? Now the question really is, who created those little lives? It is GOD ALMIGHTY. Is He irresponsible? Surely He knew their circumstances. Second, and much more importantly, eventually the inevitable will happen and this couple WILL die. Should they make it to Heaven, guess who will be there waiting for them for ETERNITY. Yes, those 5 little children. Do you think they will regret allowing God to send them? No way. Would they have been wrong to use NFP to prevent them? Of course not. But they have every right not to do so. You see life can only be created here in our very short little lives on Earth. We don’t have the right to tell other people they can’t have children.

As a last note, I saw Pope Benedict XVI interviewed by Raymond Arroyo on EWTN. He said he was tired of people always pointing out what the Catholic Church is against. They don’t look at what we are FOR. I think this whole debate is a prime example of that. What should make us different as Catholics is not that we are anti-birth control, but that we are pro-LIFE. Get it? It’s a beautiful, beautiful teaching, unique in the Christian world. We are not accidents of nature, we are wanted, willed into being. Each life is precious. I can’t understand the strong opposition to it. Are we living our lives for this world or the next one?

I went against God’s will once on this issue, I did a novena didn’t like the answer I got (which was I should have patience and wait) so did what I wanted to and got pregnant. Three months later I miscarried. I just want to say that this only my view about my miscarriage not other women’s.

I agree every life is indeed precious which is why I want my children’s life to be sacred and not in harms way because I am put in the position of living in one of the highest crime ridden cities and neighborhoods in the US because I can’t provide a safe haven for my child.

 

[Truly_Beloved]

Oh I really love you…thank you for getting the point across in such few sentences…

Glad I could help you out… My other posts today have been kinda incoherently wacky. :whacky:

I’m currently one of those NFPers who only chart to estimate due dates, not to influence family size (although I used to use NFP that way, too). So I think I can see what each side is saying.

 

[LittleDeb]

There also seems to be some confusion about what NFP really is and how it is used. There is a difference between charting to space conception and charting to limit family size.

I am currently using one form of Natural Family Planning. I am breastfeeding. The spacing it provides between conceptions is a side effect of nurturing my daughter in the best way possible. When my fertility returns we will see where God is calling us…to space or not to space conception any further.

The idea that charting is unnatural is just plain false. Charting my 26-40 day cycles has prevented many the possible embarrassing accident. God gave me the signs on my body to know when I am fertile. Please don’t try to tell me He doesn’t want me to know it. After all, my husband knows exactly when he is fertile, 24 hours a day/7 days a week! Why can’t I know too?

Also the idea that periodic marital continence is bad is also plain false. My parents, ages 65 and 66, married 43 years next week have been blessed through this particular practice. Giving up the marital bed was often and still is a Lenten sacrifice for them. I think what is up for grabs is precisely what the term ‘periodic abstinence’ means. My DH and I have almost never struggled with the periodic abstinence of NFP. Our prayer, in our marriage is that each and every marital embrace is God’s will regardless of fertility. It helps keep our mutual submission intact.

And to answer the OP’s question in a more straightforward way than I did before. No, I don’t believe it is possible to have too many kids. God won’t let us. We might create the body, but it still must be His will or the soul wouldn’t be created. I tried to conceive when I wasn’t supposed to. He wouldn’t let me.

 

[JessHav]

Well, there are some circumstances where God lets you know how many kids you “can have” and you just have to accept it. For example, since we have had 2 c-sections (both emergency) for one living child, one in heaven, we know that we will never be able to have a vaginal birth.
My dr. has said that 4 c-sections is the advisable limit, 5 is pushing it but doable. We always said we wanted 5 kids, like our families, if not more. Yet, even with “pushing” the c-section limit, we know that we can only have 3 more live births before it starts getting dangerous (i.e. uterine rupture–death for baby, possible death for mom). We also know that I have a blood clotting disorder that caused a placental abruption for our first and may happen again (same consequences—possible death for mom and baby).
My point is that my husband and I know that we are limited, so we should treasure every life we are given…God may not decide to give us one or three more. We also know that we should attempt to use NFP to space our children out since we have about 20 more childbearing years. In other words, we better get pretty good at it!
We know that we don’t know everything, though. We may have 8 successful c-sections if God helps us conceive 8 more children! He will provide, but we must accept and operate with the knowledge he has given us!
P.S. We do know that adoption is an option and will probably adopt if possible.

 

[TweetyBird]

There also seems to be some confusion about what NFP really is and how it is used. There is a difference between charting to space conception and charting to limit family size.

I don’t think it really matters whether NFP is used to “space” or “limit” children. The point is that using NFP for just reasons is OK, as is never using NFP at all. Seems some posters think married couples are irresponsible parents if they don’t meet certain criteria for material wealth/security and still allow God to bless them with babies without using NFP to space/limit births. I think the point is that the Church does not teach this (that a certain standard of material wealth is required for married couples to be responsible parents). In fact, I really haven’t seen any posters in this thread attacking the use of NFP, but a lot have attacked those who won’t/don’t use NFP to limit/space children as irresponsible.

BTW, IMO spacing and limiting are the same thing. By definition, if you are spacing your children farther apart than you would have had them without the use of NFP, then you will have fewer children during your fertile years. There is nothing wrong with that, but child spacing does equal limiting the number of children one will have.

 

[LittleDeb]

Well, there are some circumstances where God lets you know how many kids you “can have” and you just have to accept it. For example, since we have had 2 c-sections (both emergency) for one living child, one in heaven, we know that we will never be able to have a vaginal birth.
My dr. has said that 4 c-sections is the advisable limit, 5 is pushing it but doable. We always said we wanted 5 kids, like our families, if not more. Yet, even with “pushing” the c-section limit, we know that we can only have 3 more live births before it starts getting dangerous (i.e. uterine rupture–death for baby, possible death for mom). We also know that I have a blood clotting disorder that caused a placental abruption for our first and may happen again (same consequences—possible death for mom and baby).
My point is that my husband and I know that we are limited, so we should treasure every life we are given…God may not decide to give us one or three more. We also know that we should attempt to use NFP to space our children out since we have about 20 more childbearing years. In other words, we better get pretty good at it!
We know that we don’t know everything, though. We may have 8 successful c-sections if God helps us conceive 8 more children! He will provide, but we must accept and operate with the knowledge he has given us!
P.S. We do know that adoption is an option and will probably adopt if possible.

Excellent post! What a beautiful way to look at your situation.

I don’t think it really matters whether NFP is used to “space” or “limit” children. The point is that using NFP for just reasons is OK, as is never using NFP at all. Seems some posters think married couples are irresponsible parents if they don’t meet certain criteria for material wealth/security and still allow God to bless them with babies without using NFP to space/limit births. I think the point is that the Church does not teach this (that a certain standard of material wealth is required for married couples to be responsible parents). In fact, I really haven’t seen any posters in this thread attacking the use of NFP, but a lot have attacked those who won’t/don’t use NFP to limit/space children as irresponsible.

I have seen the term “unnatural” applied in this thread. But my post was generally for us all to examine our thinking process. I do agree that no one has to space or limit regardless of situation. When we look at a woman with lots of children in “less than ideal” circumstances our first thought should never be, “she has too many kids.” I can tell you agree that our very first thought (especially as Catholics) is supposed to be, “What blessings! I wonder what resources I know of that could make her life a little easier!”

BTW, IMO spacing and limiting are the same thing. By definition, if you are spacing your children farther apart than you would have had them without the use of NFP, then you will have fewer children during your fertile years. There is nothing wrong with that, but child spacing does equal limiting the number of children one will have.

I agree and disagree. I was thinking the same thing while I was posting it. They are not the same thing, but spacing can lead to limiting. Again, it depends on what context the term NFP is used. Breastfeeding is NFP. Extended breastfeeding for the benefit of the child isn’t spacing on purpose. It can space conception, but it doesn’t always. Especially into second and third years.

I tread carefully in saying that spacing and limiting are the same thing because then we deal with secular attack of “women as baby factories,” or the other, “the Catholics expect you to have as many babies as the body can.” Overall I do agree with you. Small Catholic families and big Catholic families are on the same team. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it though.

 

[TweetyBird]

Breastfeeding is NFP. Extended breastfeeding for the benefit of the child isn’t spacing on purpose. It can space conception, but it doesn’t always. Especially into second and third years.

Breastfeeding provides natural spacing between children for some women (of whom I am not one! ), but it’s not the same as ‘practicing’ NFP. Breastfeeding is the normal way God created mothers to feed their babies and in some women this also has the added effect of supressed fertility. I would imagine there are couples out there who feel they have no need to use NFP, and may even be opposed to it in principle, but still breastfeed their babies well into toddlerhood. I don’t see normal breastfeeding as an intervention to try to space or limit kids - in fact if a mom weans early just so she can conceive, then she’s doing the opposite of what her body would ‘naturally’ do absent her intervention/planning.

I ‘practice’ ‘extended’ breastfeeding with my babies, just because it seems right to me to do so. Both my gut and the available evidence suggest that babies are (for biological and emotional reasons) meant to be breastfed much longer than is the norm in our society. We just end up nursing until it’s no longer working for one or both of us, which is usually into the 2nd or 3rd year in my case. Breastfeeding is not necessarily ‘practicing’ NFP, just like every instance of not having sex during a given fertile period does not constitute the practice of NFP either. There are many reasons why a woman breastfeeds her baby, or why a couple abstains at a given time, notwithstanding any knowledge they may have of the wife’s fertility.

I too think we agree more than disagree. I struggle with this issue myself - I’m very concerned about being able to identify fertile times, and the Church does allow couples to control their fertility using morally licit means. Personally, I’m too chicken to not try to plan my family, notwithstanding any ‘surprise’ children God may send. I just think that leaving it entirely up to God, with no effort to space or limit births, is just as much a right of Catholic couples as the use of periodic abstinence.

 

[LittleDeb]

I too think we agree more than disagree. I struggle with this issue myself - I’m very concerned about being able to identify fertile times, and the Church does allow couples to control their fertility using morally licit means. Personally, I’m too chicken to not try to plan my family, notwithstanding any ‘surprise’ children God may send. I just think that leaving it entirely up to God, with no effort to space or limit births, is just as much a right of Catholic couples as the use of periodic abstinence.

I find that I am often torn. I know of many couples who have large, planned, families. Knowing conception dates and being ready and deliberate in conceiving is kind of cool. But winging it works too. I guess I just don’t see winging it without knowing fertility as actually superior.

I think what I struggled with most, especially in reference to this particular thread, is trying to put my newborns in college. The night my firstborn arrived I found myself with racing thoughts of the future. I had never experienced that before. I had him through high school, struggling in college, and married to the wrong girl all while he was still in the NICU! As his medical bills piled up I decided we must be “done” having kids.

During my second, and recent difficult pregnancy, my husband said we were done, and on our fifth anniversary no less! He was stressed, I was very sick and emotional, and he later apologized.

My sister, who already has college funds for her kids, reminds me to have one baby at a time. (Or one pregnancy at a time in case of multiples.) I kept crying that I was afraid we were done while I was pregnant with our daughter. She kept saying, “Have this baby first. You can’t make another one while she’s still in there!”

So I guess what I am saying in my usual long-winded, roundabout way is that I used to focus too much on the future and not enough on the present. DH and I used to have this “oh we’ll have 3 or 4 kids” idea. Now we are just taking things one kid at a time. If the finances get worse we’ll see where we are right then. If my fertility gives out, then I guess we’re done with pregnancies. If my health gives out completely then we probably won’t adopt either. But, I have to remember to cross those bridges when we get there.

I think it was Mark Twain who said, “I worried about a lot of things in life. A couple of which actually happened!”

 

[boppaid]

Yes, but I think that’s where faith comes in. It’s funny to me that we worry about finances so much here in the richest nation in the world, and people in 3rd world countries are glad to have numerous kids. Again, it’s because they seem them as a blessing, an asset, a plus to the family. Nobody is guaranteed financial stability. A person could have all the money in the world and lose it all. We can’t live our life by it. We walk by faith and not by sight. Ok, I’m off my soapbox! God bless!

I see what you’re saying, but I still believe that we should not expect our taxpayers to support our decisions to have large families. I think we need to be able to adequately provide for our families on our own, unless we run on very temporary hard times. We need to plan to be able to feed, clothe, and shelter childrne before we have them.

 

[boppaid]

Thanks Deb. Wish I could reply just to you, but since I can’t, here are a few thoughts on college. First off, I am the only one in my family to pay for my own college, and I’m the only one with a degree. The others never finished, though the tuition was paid for. I have a friend who is one of 15, whose parents also could not pay for college. They ALL have degrees, some of them even multiple degrees. Second, we are called to raise saints, not geniuses. Nobody needs a degree to get to Heaven, and there are lot of great saints who don’t have one. And lastly, if it is God’s will our kids go to college, He’ll provide the means. There are a lot of good Catholic colleges out there who will work with you financially, not to mention the avalanche of scholarships, many of which are untapped. Ponder Matthew 6.25-34. In the words of Jesus Himself we are “warned” not to worry over these things. Put God first and let the rest go.

Thanks for posting that! We only have 2 children and I am fearful that I won’t be able to afford their entire college tuition. Maybe taking part in paying a portion of it will help them to take ownership of their education!

 

[maria29]

Thanks for posting that! We only have 2 children and I am fearful that I won’t be able to afford their entire college tuition. Maybe taking part in paying a portion of it will help them to take ownership of their education!

I know we are definitely going to try and pay for most of our children’s tuition if at all possible. One of the reasons I am now not a SAHM is because I went to a Catholic college and had to take student loans out to help pay for school.

I don’t want my child(ren) to be thousands of dollars in debt when they graduate from college (if they decide to go) and thus forcing a spouse to have to work as well.

 

[JessHav]

Not to start a firestorm here, but we WILL NOT pay for our kids to go to college.
My husband and I both paid our way through college, (grants, scholarships, loans, etc.)
We are in our early 20’s and I am STILL able to stay at home while we still have 10 years left on our loans (about $50 K total ).
How?
By sacrificing to stay at home. No cable, no internet, 1 gently used car, 1 badly used car. No new clothes, renting instead of buying, you get the point. I also had to work for 1 year out of college (I wouldn’t have if our first child had survived, but those were the circumstances God gave us) AND WE SAVED MY ENTIRE SALARY. That is our buffer but we hope we can save it for a down payment on a house someday. (We really don’t NEED a house right now, anyway, and don’t want to fall into the “wanting a house but can’t afford it” trap)
My point is that we have been incredibly open to children and God has given (and taken) however He pleases in our lives. We have gotten more raises, gifts and “lucky breaks” in our lives since we started having children. (about 2 months into our marriage, lol)
We WILL NOT pay for our kids to go to college unless there is just piles of money lying around waiting to be used. The reasons?

1. we don’t want to limit having more children for that reason–same with catholic school (hmmm…another life vs. school? hard choice!)
2. we don’t want our kids to have a “free ride” with a degree that they may not want/need (If they want or need it that bad then they will find a way (loan from us, bank, school, etc.) I know it’s been said before, but we saw plenty of kids in college “flush” their parents money down the drain simply because it wasn’t theirs! We have enormous satisfaction in knowing we earned our degrees entirely on our own.

Just our personal opinions…don’t shoot me!
Jess

 

[maria29]

Not to start a firestorm here, but my husband and I both paid our way through college, (grants, scholarships, loans, etc.)
We are in our early 20’s and I am able to stay at home while we still have 10 years left on our loans (about $50 K total ).
How?
By sacrificing to stay at home. No cable, no internet, 1 gently used car, 1 badly used car. No new clothes, you get the point. I also had to work for 1 year out of college (I wouldn’t have if our first child had survived, but those were the circumstances God gave us) AND WE SAVED MY ENTIRE SALARY. That is our buffer.
My point is that we have been incredibly open to children and God has given (and taken) however He pleases in our lives. We have gotten more raises, gifts and “lucky breaks” in our lives since we started having children. (about 2 months into our marriage, lol)
We WILL NOT pay for our kids to go to college unless there is just piles of money lying around waiting to be used. The reasons?

1. we don’t want to limit having more children for that reason–same with catholic school (hmmm…another life vs. school? hard choice!)
2. we don’t want our kids to have a “free ride” with a degree that they may not want/need (If they want or need it that bad then they will find a way (loan from us, bank, school, etc.) I know it’s been said before, but we saw plenty of kids in college “flush” their parents money down the drain simply because it wasn’t theirs! We have enormous satisfaction in knowing we earned our degrees entirely on our own.

Just our personal opinions…don’t shoot me!
Jess

This is what works for y’all. I said this on another thread and I’ll say it here too.

It’s a hard concept too for some SAHM to understand that there also no corners left to be cut. I get this all the time, that if I only would cut out certain expenses then I could be a SAHM. My response is usually, which would you cut ? Food, clothing, or shelter?

I am sure the cost of living where you live is proably different than where we live as well.I could move to a cheaper place but I am not willing to put my child in danger and live amongst drugs and guns just so I can stay home.

,

 

[JessHav]

No offense, Maria. I’m not saying that everyone should or can stay at home. I’m just saying that college debt DOESN’T have to be a reason that you can’t stay at home. My point was that parents shouldn’t feel guilt/responsibility for paying for a college education—there are definite ways for their children to pay for it if they want it that bad.
For example, if a person is going to go to college even though they know they want to stay at home indefinitely with their kids, they might think twice about going to college at all…I would have! If I had known how much debt I would cost our family (even though I can stay at home and we’re okay financially,) I would have thought twice about getting a degree. But in my situation I incurred half my debt in my first year…better to finish out.
Not everyone needs a degree, not everyone should have a degree and definitely not everyone should forsake having another child “just in case” their kid wants to go to college.

Jessica

 

[Just_wondering]

I have to say that I agree with Jess, although I don’t have any children yet, so my opinions might change.

My parents had four kids, and we didn’t have a lot of money, although we never suffered. I paid my own way through university (although it’s cheaper in Canada than in the States). I started with scholarships, spent my savings when I ran out of scholarships, held down three part-time jobs at the same time, got bursaries, and finally got a student loan for my final year. My family helped with what they could. My parents gave me vegetables from their farm. My grandparents gave me two or three thousand dollars. My older brother helped me when I couldn’t pay the rent once or twice.

I think the lessons I learned from paying for college myself were really valuable, and I’d like my own children to learn those lessons too. I might match them dollar for dollar, if I have the money, but I certainly wouldn’t give them a free ride.

I’m doing my master’s degree now, and trying not to incur debt. People ask me how I can spend a thousand dollars a month on school without incurring debt. It’s difficult, but doable. I don’t eat out, ever. When I meet my boyfriend, we don’t go out, we meet at friends’ houses, or he comes to my house. If we watch a movie, it’s on my computer, not at the theater. If we eat pizza, it’s homemade. If we want to drink, it’s water or juice. I don’t have TV. I ride a bicycle to work. I don’t buy books or magazines. I stopped drinking coffee out. When my colleagues are going out for lunch, I run home to make mine.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that my parents didn’t have the means to send any of us to college, but all four of us went, and now I’m pursuing higher education. If you instill the values in your children, they will find a way to live them. It’s like that saying, when there’s a will there’s a way.