Hello,
I hope the OP doesn’t mind if I post in this thread about my own interest in Carmelite spirituality since it seems to be serving as a general Q & A section for the OP and other members who are Carmelites, but I just wanted to express my own “questions” about Carmel.
Only months after being confirmed into the Church, the first Catholic books I managed to purchase was “Story of a Soul” by St. Therese of Child Jesus and the Holy Face and “Dark Night of a Soul” by St. John of the Cross. I had read in certain reviews about how difficult St. John’s “poem” was, but given that I was scheduled to lead a group discussion during mystagogy regarding spiritual dryness, I decided to pick St. John’s book up first. Needless to say, I was blown away by what I was reading! And, worst of all, I knew that I fell victim to many of the vices which he describes in the first section. I got so tired of St. John accusing me that I put the book down and didn’t pick it up again until months later where I made it just as far, felt just as bad, and have since not looked at it again – probably with good reason since my spiritual life has been an absolute mess!
I read St. Therese’s autobiography, and like so many others, I found this saint so adorable in her earnest, sweet love for Jesus that it was hard not to fall in love with her or her “little way.” Unfortunately, it was right about this time that I started having second doubts about my conversion and I drifted away.
Since returning, I’ve tried fostering a contemplative prayer life, but unfortunately I have something of a “monkey-mind” which wanders, bounces back and forth, and often feels uncomfortable during these moments of resting in God’s presence. Sometimes I get so sleepy that all I want to do is lay down, which makes it hard to focus. And I’m sure that if I even attempted reading St. John’s book again that it would still point the finger at how immature my spiritual life is.
Nonetheless, there has always been, and perhaps always will be, a place in my heart for Carmelite spirituality. I know that I’m hardly the most consistent person, especially on these forums, one day expressing myself like some saint and then the next day crying in desperation over the spilt milk of personal sin, but I sometimes think that practicing Carmelite spirituality might allow me to mature more than I have done thus far. I have even given thought to joining a lay or secular Carmelite order so that I might receive spiritual direction at the same time, which might help me to develop better, but unfortunately the nearest group is approx. one hour away, which would make any sense of community rather difficult. So, I can’t help but think that while Carmelite spirituality will always appeal to me in how authentic and mystical it appears to be, maybe God is calling me in another direction for another purpose. It’s hard to tell because when I try resting in his presence to get those answers I find myself drifting off to sleep!
