Catholic Husband, I'm the odd one out

[Kaninchen]

I know that people are trying to be helpful here but - as a complete outsider - it all sounds rather threatening at times. SanguineRose says she’s interested in how to negotiate her way through the situation she finds herself in and people do seem to be rushing to sign her up for the Tiber swim team where she’ll the water is lovely.

 

[His_helpmeet]

There isn’t a “dress code” for Mass, strictly speaking. Generally, the best advice I can give is don’t wear your old grungies, don’t wear anything revealing, and preferably, don’t wear jeans. Business casual is an appropriate look. Personally, I wear a skirt or a dress, but then I don’t wear pants at all, unless I’m taking students to clinical (personal choice - not because the Church requires it or because my husband made me do it). Some women also veil their hair at Mass (I do) because this is part of tradition, though it’s not required any more under canon law.

 

[lily22]

If your husband liked Golf suddenly, and wanted you to go “cheer him on” you would go, right?

If your husband suddenly had a taste for Sushi and you hated it, you and your Son would go, right? Just to keep him Company?

If you husband suddenly fell in love with Texas, or Canada, you would end up on a trip with him there eventually, with the boy, right?

This is life. Just enjoy the ride.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

If your husband liked Golf suddenly, and wanted you to go “cheer him on” you would go, right?

If your husband suddenly had a taste for Sushi and you hated it, you and your Son would go, right? Just to keep him Company?

If you husband suddenly fell in love with Texas, or Canada, you would end up on a trip with him there eventually, with the boy, right?

This is life. Just enjoy the ride.

Would she go to cheer him on? Probably once in awhile, but she wouldn’t give up every Sunday to dedicate herself to his hobby.

If he developed a taste for sushi and she hated it, she would probably go with him but order chicken teriaki. Or, he could make that his night out with his buddies thing.

If he fell in love with Texas or Canada, I’m sure she would be willing to visit. Would she commit to packing up, moving, abandoning the life they had built, and completely changing every plan for the future and how to raise their kids? Probably

This isn’t sushi or golf. They are having serious issues regarding how to have a good marriage and raise their son. Supporting her husband in something he loves and agreeing to raise their son in a religion that she doesn’t believe and has moral issues with are two different things.

Think about it, if your husband converted to Islam, Wicca, Mormonism, etc would you just “sit back and enjoy the ride”, or would you be concerned about where your marriage was heading and how you could protect your children from this?

 

[runningdude]

Oh! Sorry, I could have swore I read some pronouns in there.

So, some questions:

What does one wear to mass? Is there a difference between what is appropriate to wear to an evening mass and a morning mass? Apparently Saturday evening mass is an option, so I’m pushing for that one this week as the morning mass happens around the time my son is usually nap fighting.

Roughly business casual would be a good start for appropriate mass attire. Some will dress more casually, others less. Saturday afternoon is a perfectly acceptable alternative to mass on Sunday for your husband. Any mass on Sunday counts, but only Saturday masses in the later afternoon count (they will often be listed as “vigil”).

I read something about RCIA and it looks like my husband’s church has those classes in the fall. Is it possible to attend RCIA just for the information even if you don’t want to convert?

Yes, and this is often encouraged for mixed couples. Just be up front with your husband that you are only taking the course to better understand his faith, and that you do not intend to convert.

Also, someone mentioned something earlier that I’ve been thinking about. So, like I mentioned, my husband said the same thing some of you guys have been saying about just asking God if he’s real and expecting some sort of answer, so I did to make him happy. But, I think it’s too easy to be emotionally influenced and jump at anything that seems like it might be a “sign”, which is why I asked for something small, mildly unusual, and specific as a sign. I don’t really expect anything to happen, but I’ll keep an open mind on it. Only someone in the thread said that putting God on the spot may not be the best approach. So, how is one supposed to know that God is communicating with you then and that it’s not just your mind playing tricks on you?

I agree that putting God “on the spot” is too much. As for “mind playing tricks”, there is little way to tell, except to be perfectly honest about what you are thinking.

The best way to try to discern God is to simply sit quietly and listen. You might try sitting quietly at home, in an empty church before the Tabernacle, during a First Friday exposition/veneration of the Eucharist, etc. It might also be helpful to take the RCIA class first so that you know was the significance of these rituals are. I cannot guarantee that you will experience anything, nor should you expect to experience anything.

 

[SecretCatholic]

I know that people are trying to be helpful here but - as a complete outsider - it all sounds rather threatening at times. SanguineRose says she’s interested in how to negotiate her way through the situation she finds herself in and people do seem to be rushing to sign her up for the Tiber swim team where she’ll the water is lovely.

Did you expect people on a Catholic forum to try to dissuade the OP from Catholicism? This is not a neutral forum, and nobody has claimed that it is. The OP is aware of this fact as well. I wouldn’t expect people on an atheist forum to make equal cases for being Catholic, nor to criticize a spouse for becoming an atheist. All things considered, I think most people in this forum have been pretty understanding and considerate of the situation. The OP knew what she was doing.

 

[Kaninchen]

Did you expect people on a Catholic forum to try to dissuade the OP from Catholicism?

After over 7 years here, I think I’ve got the message, you know.

This is not a neutral forum, and nobody has claimed that it is. The OP is aware of this fact as well. I wouldn’t expect people on an atheist forum to make equal cases for being Catholic, nor to criticize a spouse for becoming an atheist. All things considered, I think most people in this forum have been pretty understanding and considerate of the situation. The OP knew what she was doing.

Except that proselytizing isn’t regarded as being a particularly good thing here at CAF.

 

[SecretCatholic]

After over 7 years here, I think I’ve got the message, you know.

I’m sorry if this offended you. I am relatively new here, but I was a bit surprised by your comment and thought the obvious needed saying.

Except that proselytizing isn’t regarded as being a particularly good thing here at CAF.

I don’t think that’s what’s going on for the most part. But do you expect the forum to be neutral or against a conversion to Catholicism? I don’t think people are being insensitive to the OP either. What exactly is “threatening” here/ The point of mutual respect and that her husband needs to be sensitive his her beliefs has been stated here, as well as suggestions on how to get there.

 

[SanguineRose]

I guess I could see how some people might be a little intimidated and some of it is a lot to digest, but honestly my expectations were way worse when I posted this thread because I was just sure I was going to get a lot of “Just find Jesus and convert. Problem solved”, so I’m just glad for all the really helpful suggestions and people who took time to comment and be nice.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I guess I could see how some people might be a little intimidated and some of it is a lot to digest, but honestly my expectations were way worse when I posted this thread because I was just sure I was going to get a lot of “Just find Jesus and convert. Problem solved”, so I’m just glad for all the really helpful suggestions and people who took time to comment and be nice.

It’s a two-way street. You’ve been very gracious and respectful, as well.

 

[DaisyNJesus]

Would she go to cheer him on? Probably once in awhile, but she wouldn’t give up every Sunday to dedicate herself to his hobby.

If he developed a taste for sushi and she hated it, she would probably go with him but order chicken teriaki. Or, he could make that his night out with his buddies thing.

If he fell in love with Texas or Canada, I’m sure she would be willing to visit. Would she commit to packing up, moving, abandoning the life they had built, and completely changing every plan for the future and how to raise their kids? Probably

This isn’t sushi or golf. They are having serious issues regarding how to have a good marriage and raise their son. Supporting her husband in something he loves and agreeing to raise their son in a religion that she doesn’t believe and has moral issues with are two different things.

Think about it, if your husband converted to Islam, Wicca, Mormonism, etc would you just “sit back and enjoy the ride”, or would you be concerned about where your marriage was heading and how you could protect your children from this?

I agree with you BlueEyedLady.

I believe in Jesus, but I also know that Catholicism is a whole way of life. It is very beautiful in many ways, but if someone does not believe in the foundations of it ( the Good News about Jesus and what he has done) then the secondary things, like Catholic moral teaching, will be hard to follow.

So I wish it were the husband who was in here asking for advice.
I would tell him to have a lot of empathy - precisely imagine the scenarios you talked about - and respect his wife and their marriage.

I truly believe God has a way and it is all not a coincidence. But the husband should not take matters into his own hands, pressure his wife, let his parents do so, or baptise their child without wife’s full consent.

 

[Kaninchen]

I’m sorry if this offended you. I am relatively new here, but I was a bit surprised by your comment and thought the obvious needed saying.

It didn’t offend me, I was just pointing out that I’ve been around for a while and, just possibly, might have seen it all before.

I don’t think that’s what’s going on for the most part. But do you expect the forum to be neutral or against a conversion to Catholicism? I don’t think people are being insensitive to the OP either. What exactly is “threatening” here/ The point of mutual respect and that her husband needs to be sensitive his her beliefs has been stated here, as well as suggestions on how to get there.

Let me tell you a story recently related to me by a friend about her grandfather (who is in his 80s) and grandmother who had recently died.

Her grandfather had converted to Catholicism in order to marry and he lost his entire family in so doing. Together with his wife, he raised his children in the faith, played an active part in Church activities and so on for the nearly 60 years until her death.

The day he buried his wife was the last time he went in a Catholic church. Much to the surprise of the family, he started attending a church of the denomination he started out in - because he’d not actually believed in the different dogmas, he’d just converted for love.

As you might imagine, my friend found the implications of all this pretty confusing/conflicting.

I just thought about all the pain.

 

[ktmeyer]

Maybe I can help a bit, as I can’t help but think y’all are making this harder than it needs to be. Or at least, that your husband is.

I’m the convert (actually, a revert) in my familyy. When I met my husband I was a practicing Catholic, but had been raised in the Espiscopal Church. My husband to be was Episcopal, and didn’t want to convert to Catholicism. I thought I’d be “nice” and attend the Epsicopal Church instead, because I decided it was better to be “together” rather than right. That was a mistake. Now I’m having to have my wedding convalidated, etc etc. And it was a big shock to him when I finally couldn’t be away anymore and said I was going back to the Catholic Church.

But, after some initial anxiety on his part, it works just fine. I go to Mass every Sunday. I take the 4 year old with me, or she goes to Sunday School/Faith Formation classes the part of the year those are running. He stays home with the toddler, or if I take the toddler with me he cleans the house or works on the cars or whatever. It’s his time alone. I’m not sure he LOVES the idea of me raising the kids in the Catholic Church, but he sure does love that time alone on Sunday morning, so it is pretty much win win. He gets alone time, I get to go to Mass, and the kids get raised in the faith.

I’v explained to him, too, that if the kids turn away from the Church at some point, when they are older, that is their decision. But it is my responsibility to make sure they know what they are turning away from. You can’t reject what you don’t know. And if nothing else, some day long in the future, when they are all grown, they may find solace in the Church. Many who go through hard times return for that reason, and if I can give them something that may comfort them after I am gone, that’s a good thing.

But anyway, I would say to your husband that you will go to Mass once a month maybe, or on holidays, or whatever. And the other Sundays he can take your son with him to Mass. You get a hour or so of free time, he gets his religion, it’s a compromise. If that won’t work (I’ve had kids that don’t take bottles), then figure something else out. But to expect you to go to Mass every week when you don’t believe is too much, I think. Would it be nice for him? Sure, I’d love to have my whole family at Mass. But we can’t let perfect be the enemy of the good.

As for your own questions, I highly highly highly recommend reading Mere Christianity, by CS Lewis. It is all about reason, NOT emotion. Not a long read, and C.S. Lewis is someone everyone should read anyway. He wasn’t Catholic, but everything in the book would still apply.

 

[savedbygrace71]

@SanguineRose

Ive just gone through this discussion including all youve relayed to us. As an outsider looking in you and your husband’s relationship is amazing and inspiring to me. Keep up that communication and keep focus on that amazing love you both have for one another and the beautiful baby that was the result of such love. **The fact that a man that was so strongly opposed to everything God in the past would toss all of that aside and get down on his knees before what he opposed his whole life for YOU and your BABY is a form of the greatest love that us as Catholics vision God to be. **We see God as love in its purest form because that is what or who we believe love comes from. What he did for you I would believe is in fact that love in its purest form. Because your husband felt this love in its purest form during this action of getting on his knees in the manner in which he did so. I believe that THIS sensation/feeling is what transformed your husband, it is so powerful it can not be denied. That is my personal “proof” of the God Catholics believe in and maybe one day that will also be the “proof” that you need. Thank you for sharing your inspiring story and I pray with all of my heart for all three of you. Stay in love.

This is worth saying again! I couldn’t agree more. Take a minute and think about why he reverted to the Church. So amazing, powerful.

At the same time, I understand it’s not easy to consider con validation, let alone baptize your children. As previous posters have said, you are correct to take it slowly and thoughtfully. Keep the communication open and take it one week at a time. You may find you enjoy Mass, even if you never convert. I attended as a non Catholic for seven years before enrolling in RCIA. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[SecretCatholic]

I guess I could see how some people might be a little intimidated and some of it is a lot to digest, but honestly my expectations were way worse when I posted this thread because I was just sure I was going to get a lot of “Just find Jesus and convert. Problem solved”, so I’m just glad for all the really helpful suggestions and people who took time to comment and be nice.

I’m glad we were helpful.

Her grandfather had converted to Catholicism in order to marry and he lost his entire family in so doing.

Very sad and unchristian behavior by the family.

 

[SanguineRose]

An update, I guess. We went to mass for the first time with my husband on Saturday evening and it wasn’t terrible. The church is smaller than I thought it would be and it was mostly old people at that service, so that was good since I have some general social anxiety that makes going to new places with strangers sort of daunting at time. We got there early enough to sit through the pre-Mass rosary and I actually enjoyed that. It was sort of calming and I guess it put my son to sleep, as he promptly passed out and slept through almost the whole thing. And it was way shorter than I thought, so we’re going to give Saturday evenings a try and see how it goes.

I do have another thing, though, that maybe you guys can help with. For some reason, social anxiety again I’m sure, I am absolutely terrified of talking to the priest. My husband says that he’s a really nice man and I’m sure he is, but the prospect of having to shake his hand and introduce myself after the service was just too much this weekend and you guys would have probably laughed at me as I hid behind the clusters of old ladies and sort of bolted for the door with the baby like the law was after me or something. I’m going to have to talk to him with my husband about the marriage validation thing in a couple weeks anyway, and my husband suggested that maybe talking to him one on one might be easier starting out since I’m reluctant to talk about church stuff at home But, I feel like I would just be wasting the guy’s time, I’m sure he’s got better things to be doing.

Is it normal to introduce yourself to the priest after mass if you’re new, even if you’re not Catholic and might not be going back? Do you think talking to him individually would be a good idea? I have a lot of questions, and I can kind of see my husband’s point that it might be easier to ask the priest in some way than talk about it with my husband at this particular moment, but it sort of feels like asking dumb questions in class without doing the assigned reading or something.

 

[CathConvert2013]

[SIGN][/SIGN]When I first started going I went on a weekday so the line to greet Father was short. Get at the end of the line so you don’t feel hurried and let your husband introduce you. Take the baby with you, as priests love babies and may say a little blessing over him (“God bless you”). I was extremely nervous to do the greeting and even teared up because I would explain WHY I was there (my grandmother’s death - at the time I started attending it was “last week” so it was quite fresh). Father can often answer questions or take down your phone#/email address to follow up later. I had the pleasure of meeting one priest that made me feel like his immediate best friend. I was given books, a tour, proud introductions like I was the prodigal daughter, and a light hug. This is at the first parish I attended. I told him that it was my first visit, I was just checking it out because my grandmother “told me to.” I later had more, equally wonderful greetings and a tour at my now parish which is closer to our home.

 

[LongingSoul]

An update, I guess. We went to mass for the first time with my husband on Saturday evening and it wasn’t terrible. The church is smaller than I thought it would be and it was mostly old people at that service, so that was good since I have some general social anxiety that makes going to new places with strangers sort of daunting at time. We got there early enough to sit through the pre-Mass rosary and I actually enjoyed that. It was sort of calming and I guess it put my son to sleep, as he promptly passed out and slept through almost the whole thing. And it was way shorter than I thought, so we’re going to give Saturday evenings a try and see how it goes.

I do have another thing, though, that maybe you guys can help with. For some reason, social anxiety again I’m sure, I am absolutely terrified of talking to the priest. My husband says that he’s a really nice man and I’m sure he is, but the prospect of having to shake his hand and introduce myself after the service was just too much this weekend and you guys would have probably laughed at me as I hid behind the clusters of old ladies and sort of bolted for the door with the baby like the law was after me or something. I’m going to have to talk to him with my husband about the marriage validation thing in a couple weeks anyway, and my husband suggested that maybe talking to him one on one might be easier starting out since I’m reluctant to talk about church stuff at home But, I feel like I would just be wasting the guy’s time, I’m sure he’s got better things to be doing.

Is it normal to introduce yourself to the priest after mass if you’re new, even if you’re not Catholic and might not be going back? Do you think talking to him individually would be a good idea? I have a lot of questions, and I can kind of see my husband’s point that it might be easier to ask the priest in some way than talk about it with my husband at this particular moment, but it sort of feels like asking dumb questions in class without doing the assigned reading or something.

Sanguine Rose, honestly… you are so over worrying. I’m from a super Catholic family. My uncle is a Priest and he is also my godfather and also my cousin who I’m close too because we were born a month apart during the opening days of Vatican II, is a Priest and vice Rector of a seminary. These men have a special vocation, but they are just people like everyone else otherwise. You might be thinking they are akin to the King or some kind of royal person… but they are actually there to *serve your *spiritual needs. Don’t be intimidated to meet your Priest… please. If he is any sort of true Priest, he will recognise your courage and humility in coming along with your hubby and bubby.

God bless and just relax about it all. You sound like an open minded and courageous lady!

 

[TraderTif]

I do have another thing, though, that maybe you guys can help with. For some reason, social anxiety again I’m sure, I am absolutely terrified of talking to the priest. My husband says that he’s a really nice man and I’m sure he is, but the prospect of having to shake his hand and introduce myself after the service was just too much this weekend and you guys would have probably laughed at me as I hid behind the clusters of old ladies and sort of bolted for the door with the baby like the law was after me or something. I’m going to have to talk to him with my husband about the marriage validation thing in a couple weeks anyway, and my husband suggested that maybe talking to him one on one might be easier starting out since I’m reluctant to talk about church stuff at home But, I feel like I would just be wasting the guy’s time, I’m sure he’s got better things to be doing.

Is it normal to introduce yourself to the priest after mass if you’re new, even if you’re not Catholic and might not be going back? Do you think talking to him individually would be a good idea? I have a lot of questions, and I can kind of see my husband’s point that it might be easier to ask the priest in some way than talk about it with my husband at this particular moment, but it sort of feels like asking dumb questions in class without doing the assigned reading or something.

As a fellow anxiety sufferer, I can tell you what I’d probably end up doing. Bring the baby, and have your husband handle the introductions - after all, this is HIS priest. (When I moved to KY, my fiancé was the one to introduce me to all the priests around here, since I wasn’t familiar with any of them.)

If you want, the first time, just do a brief intro. See how you like the priest. Most priests are very nice, and not intimidating at all. If that goes well, and you think you’ll be comfortable getting advice/info from this priest, but you’re still nervous about asking to speak one-on-one about issues, then next mass, again go with your husband and have him briefly explain the situation and ask. (After all, he’s gonna need to know the schedule, since he’d be watching the baby, right?)

It’s perfectly normal to introduce yourself to the priest, even if you’re non-catholic and unlikely to come back. My extended family have introduced themselves to the priest, even though they only ever attended 1 mass with us, when I was a kid. (Most of my family is Protestant).

Talking to the priest one-on-one might be a very good idea, if everyone is comfortable with it. Don’t worry about wasting the priest’s time - this is exactly what he’s there for. And don’t worry about feeling stupid or unknowledgeable - you’re not, and priests deal with ALL sorts of questions and confusion ALL the time. They’re totally used to it.

 

[gravity]

An update, I guess. We went to mass for the first time with my husband on Saturday evening and it wasn’t terrible. The church is smaller than I thought it would be and it was mostly old people at that service, so that was good since I have some general social anxiety that makes going to new places with strangers sort of daunting at time. We got there early enough to sit through the pre-Mass rosary and I actually enjoyed that. It was sort of calming and I guess it put my son to sleep, as he promptly passed out and slept through almost the whole thing. And it was way shorter than I thought, so we’re going to give Saturday evenings a try and see how it goes.

I do have another thing, though, that maybe you guys can help with. For some reason, social anxiety again I’m sure, I am absolutely terrified of talking to the priest. My husband says that he’s a really nice man and I’m sure he is, but the prospect of having to shake his hand and introduce myself after the service was just too much this weekend and you guys would have probably laughed at me as I hid behind the clusters of old ladies and sort of bolted for the door with the baby like the law was after me or something. I’m going to have to talk to him with my husband about the marriage validation thing in a couple weeks anyway, and my husband suggested that maybe talking to him one on one might be easier starting out since I’m reluctant to talk about church stuff at home But, I feel like I would just be wasting the guy’s time, I’m sure he’s got better things to be doing.

Is it normal to introduce yourself to the priest after mass if you’re new, even if you’re not Catholic and might not be going back? Do you think talking to him individually would be a good idea? I have a lot of questions, and I can kind of see my husband’s point that it might be easier to ask the priest in some way than talk about it with my husband at this particular moment, but it sort of feels like asking dumb questions in class without doing the assigned reading or something.

Start where you are comfortable. You express your self very well here. If the priest has email, start with that. If no email would a phone call be more workable? Social anxiety is something I have never had a problem with so I don’t know if this approach will help before a face to face meeting .
You mentioned in another post you are reading Rome Sweet Home, has your husband picked it up at all?