Chastity and single Catholic adults

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I agree the greatest challenge is in acting on Chastity, but before we can act, we need to know and then believe that this “old fashioned notion” still applies to our modern world.

We also need to realize that the commandments apply, not only until we get around the perceived consequences, but for all time because they have been given to us by a loving God who desires that which is our greatest good.

Perhaps you always understood this, but I grew up a while back, and I didn’t really get it. I remember being told by the priest (he was old, so his delivery of this message was older than anything my generation was willing to buy into) that the boys would grow hair on the palms of their hands if … :eek: We knew better than that, so if that was the reason provided, and we knew it was balony, perhaps the prohibition wasn’t real either.
I graduated HS in the late '70’s, and the “sexual revolution” was in full swing, with parents not yet having had adequate time to figure out what to say about the new culture assailing their young. I was the oldest and my parents weren’t living and breathing every teaching of the Church. It was, as is every age, a difficult time to raise kids. And the message of chastity, why, and what happens without it, was completely lost on me and many around me.

(Don’t get me wrong and let your imaginations run completely wild, there’s a limit to how lost I got, but that’s not going to be discussed here in any detail).
 
Oh,

I’ve got an article (or perhaps series of articles) started, titled “Chastity for American Catholics” (not because we’re any different, only that as American’s, we too often tend to think we’re different, and that rules don’t necessarily apply.

Articles I and II are for the Married Catholic and address Conjugal Fidelity (both before and after getting married) and Fecundity (openness to life & contraception).

I’d love to share, if you’d be willing to provide feedback.

Thanks

CARose
 
CARose,

Please share the articles. Information on chastity for singles seems to be rare, but hopefully we can support each other on our daily journey to be more Christ-like.
 
I wholeheartedly agree with you, Michelle! :clapping:
I was having a debate with a friend of mine about this issue and she told me that my view that people should wait till marriage to be physically intimate with one another was too outdated and harked back to the ‘dark ages’. She said a lot of young men would not want to get to know me better if I adopted this approach to having relationships (i.e, it would alienate about 50% of the young male population?? Or would that be more like 80% if a lot of young Catholics are following mainstream societal values? :rolleyes: ). As a young woman I hear stories of women breaking off relationships with their boyfriends because the boyfriend pressured them to be sexually intimate when they were not ready. As you pointed out, the media is a lot to blame for the idea that people should live and be intimate together without making a firm commitment to one another (i.e, getting married).

I believe if someone truly loves you and cares about you they will wait until you are ready to be intimate with them. I applaud the person who wrote the articles on chastity on the Christian Answers website - they explain everything so well!!

ozgirl
 
Hello all, I am now engaged, but want to share an observation that I made as a single man. In my twenty-third year, almost all of my close friends at that time were either married or engaged, and I would find myself at barbecues and other social events as the only single person there. It was really tough; it felt like I was odd, because I was not in a romantic relationship. That kind of experience does all kinds of funny things to one’s self esteem, and with hindsight, I was very glad that I did not find myself a girlfriend at that time.

One of the real blessings that I experienced when I became involved with the Church was experiencing a young people’s study group where there was no hint of people being there to meet potential girlfriends or boyfriends. People were there to share their experience and to learn about the Faith, not to link up. This was in contrast to my experiences as a Protestant, where people in similar groups wanted to learn about their faith, certainly, but there was a strong current of romantic possibility. Does this make sense? It is a purely subjective experience, of course, but I felt that being single was seen in a far more positive light by Catholics.

It is up to all of us, in our church communities, to help single adults feel welcome and normal. It is all too easy to separate people – young adult group, then young couples group, etc… This approach is not helpful.
 
Living a celibate and chaste life IS very difficult.

Just the other day at work I said that I was going to a party on Sunday (today) the 4th. One coworker asked me if I was going to “meet someone”. I told her that wa a possiblity. Another guy asked me if I was going to “hook up” (take the baser meaning of his connotation). I just looked at him, but the question embarassed me.

Suddenly I was at the center of attention of co workers assuming I was looking for sex.

It’s not like I could just blurt out, “I don’t believe in sex outside of marriage.” To do so would start a debate that does NOT belong at work and could also lead to complete alienation. Another coworker who would have been on my side and may have been able to help out is out on maternity leave, but I know she believes as I do, although she is not Catholic.

Anyway, there I sat, embarassed, and the only thing I could do at the barrage of questions was to try to deflect:

“No, I’m not being set up with someone. If I meet someone, fine, but I’m just going to spend time with friends.”

It doesn’t change their opinion and speaking out at what I believe is not going to help. I tend to be very blunt, and bluntness is not what will get the idea across to this group. I don’t know how to be “demure” about it. I don’t want to seem “holier than thou” and I don’t want to open a can of worms. I want to live my beliefs and if I can walk through that door with an individual coworker I might be able to explain our belief…but not in a barrage like that.

And I’m far from being the only single Catholic trying to live the same way and handle the exact same scenario.
 
Whew! I was off-line for a while. We had raging forest fires up here and I had to lay low to stay out of the thick smoke. Ugh!

To see all these posts is AWSOME! Being adult (of any age) and chaste is really super hard. I think a lot of people that are not following the Catholic teachings about sex are doing so by choice, not ignorance. They know the rules! They just choose to ignore them. If non-Catholics know that the Church teaches you aren’t supposed to have sex before marriage how can Catholics claim not to know? No-sex-before-marriage is one of the hottest subjects that comes up between Catholics and non-Catholics, specially the non-Christian types. It’s everywhere! So claiming “I didn’t know because the Priest never told us” is hogwash. We have a duty to ourselves and to God to seek the truth if we have doubts. Doubting doesn’t mean we can totally disregard a Church teaching. If someone hasn’t been properly catechised that’s a shame but let’s face it: everyone is yapping enough about no-sex-before-marriage so even the poorly catechised hear enough about it. They can take the next mature step and find out if it’s the truth.
It’s time to quit hiding behind the “Poorly Catechised” banner and start taking responsibility for oursevles and our salvation. We are, after all, adults.
 
I’m glad to see that chastity is such a hot topic among my fellow Catholics.

Cue the crickets: “Chirp chirp. Chirp chirp.”
 
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Edwin1961:
The vocation of being Single is one of the toughest lives to lead (tell that to a priest).
In some way we become ‘priests’ too in that our lives have more free time to devote to others. If everyone were married, who would: take care of the poor, the widowed, sick or simple to comfort those who are having a rough time in their daily lives?
I hope and pray that being on these Forums is my way to contribute to helping others through personal comments and reflections!

Besides, if God wanted me to be married, He’d put me in that position!

Go with God!
Ediwin
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I agree with you whole-heartedly. It’s always good to know others believe in the same virtues as you. I find your remarks very reassuring at a time in my life when I may be feeling lonely or searching for God’s plan for my life. God bless you brother! :clapping:
 
I am so glad somebody started this thread. With a society oversaturated with sex, growing in the virtue of chastity is something that is rarely discussed. I agree, most books are written for teens/early 20’s and don’t address the intellectual/spiritual needs of older singles.

Also, many people think of chastity as just “not having sex” before marriage. As we are called to a chaste state in life no matter what, it is important to pray to grow in this virtue.

Just like health is a measurement of something good, not merely the absence of disease,
chastity is a beautiful virtue, not merely the absence of illicit sexual behavior.

Every week I meet with a friend and we pray a Rosary, additional prayers to Mary, and attend daily Mass for an increase of purity and chastity in the world. We will include forum members in our intentions.

I just finished reading “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” written by Joshua Harris, a young Christian man who, after failed attempts at romance that included sinful behavior, stopped dating and believes he will wait to kiss his bride at the altar. It’s a helpful book, but maybe a bit extreme in eliminating romance. It seems like from the poll on this forum asking spouses how they met, there were plenty of sparks and romance mentioned.

I think it’s important to keep the virtue without killing the romance. Any insights?

Also, check out the giftfoundation.org which has a tope series based on the Theology of the Body by Pope John Paul II (taught by Christopher West) - it is an indepth study w/guide and is available by donation only.
 
This is a great thread!

I’ll try not to rant too much. I’m between the ages of 26 and 30 and every time I go to mass or other parish function, I meet someone who says “You’re how old? And not married???” Granted, all the other 20 somethings in the parish are married, but I’m not one of them!

The only time I’ve dated was a man who dumped me after he found out I was raped as a child but wouldn’t have sex with him (and he was a member of a neighboring parish!!!). His rational? "It’s not like you’re a virgin or anything…why bother saving yourself now.

It seems single adult Catholics don’t get as much attention as married couples. The Catechism of the Catholic Church addresses singles, but only directly in one paragraph (CCC 1658).
 
katie mack:
This is a great thread!

I’ll try not to rant too much. I’m between the ages of 26 and 30 and every time I go to mass or other parish function, I meet someone who says “You’re how old? And not married???” Granted, all the other 20 somethings in the parish are married, but I’m not one of them!
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I laughed when I read this. Not to make fun of you, it’s just funny that you don’t give your exact age. I think it’s cute. It’s a “typical woman” thing to do, disguising your age. :yup:

:blessyou:
 
A few additional tips…

The first thing is to recognise that everyone struggles with chastity - male or female, YOU ARE NORMAL if you’re struggling with temptations against the virtue of holy purity. I think feelings of fear and shame about these issues may lead some people out of the church and away from the saving grace and practical assistance offered in sacramental confession.

The second thing is, however strong-willed you think you might be - you WILL need the grace that comes from sacramental confession to win the chastity battle. Find a holy priest and go to confession frequently.
 
KATIE MACK!!! Oh my God! I just about fell out of my chair when I read why that guy dumped you. I’m Crow Indian and Irish and I have a lot of hot blood. The second I read that I wanted to go on the war path. Grrrrrrrr! But good for you for being strong enough to resist that jerk.

I saw that book “I kissed Dating Goodbye.” I don’t think that courting a person (rather then any level of being physical on a date) does anything to remove romance. If anything it seems to kindle romance! I have lots of friends that courted rather then dated and they are very happily married. I think that getting all heated up and then having to constantly come to a screeching halt is much more stressful on the “romance” part of a pre-marital dating relationship!! Plus it opens up all sorts of doors for giving in to all sorts of behaviors “in the heat of the moment”.

I gave up dating a long time ago: I was so sick of it turning into a big, “When will she give in?” contest. It always loomed over me like a black cloud. I ended up being suspicious of everything the boyfriend did or said for/to me! “Hmmmm…does he really mean that or is he trying to get something?” My fellow dating girl-friends always had the same complaints! ALL of the time! But my courting friends never said anything like this. Instead they spoke about all of the things they did and spoke about and enjoyed as they gasp! built an acctual relationship. Their boyfriends didn’t leave them hanging for days on end, nor did they leave in the middle of a date frustrated and angry. Even if a guy (or woman) “understands” about the other person’s desire for chastity they STILL push and ask and prod and pressure. It’s like it goes in one ear and right out the other.

That’s what we need to return to: building a relationship with someone before we get married. Sexual intimacy can be worked on later, after we are properly wed.

All sthis plus the “innocent kissing” turning into a wrestling match is enough to prove that courting really is the way to go. Oy! We women can do so much better for ourselves. Guys too!

The first step to chastity is respect. That involves a whole slew of ACTIONS on our part. Actions like not getting physical, dressing modestly, shielding our eyes and ears from crud and educating others.
 
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MichelleTherese:
The first step to chastity is respect. That involves a whole slew of ACTIONS on our part. Actions like not getting physical, dressing modestly, shielding our eyes and ears from crud and educating others.
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Thank you so much for saying that. As a guy it is very difficult and uncomfortable for me to be around women dressed provocatively. I respect a woman so much more if she dresses modestly. It makes my walk of faith soooooooooo much easier!

This may sound funny, but I find a modestly dressing woman more attractive than one who “flaunts what she’s got:bigyikes:.” I didn’t always feel this way (high school) but as a grew closer to God I found myself being attracted more to modestly dressing women and less to skimpy dressers. I can honestly say that I am turned off by a woman who isn’t modest.

Michelle, spread the word to all the women!

:clapping:
 
Hey now guys, don’t try and get out of your own slew of ACTIONS!

Modest clothing isn’t just for women! It’s for guys too. It’s just as hard for a woman to keep her thoughts pure when a good looking guy is strolling around in a tight T-shirt or shorts. Do you think we don’t notice your arms and legs?? Oy! Covery thyselves at Mass and keep thy T-shirts and shorts at home. (Unless that’s all you can afford, then wear with pride!)

And guys, you can also practice “custody of the eyes.” When you see a scantily clad woman DON’T LOOK. Instead of saying, “I can’t help but look! She’s right in front of me!” look at the floor instead. How many scantily clad women are so stupid that they won’t notice you staring at the floor? That alone will send a powerful message to them without you saying a single word. Not only that, you’ll avoid impure thoughts.

There’s an old saying used for Women’s Equality: “Women hold up half the sky.” Let me turn it into Men’s Equality: “Men hold up half the job of Modesty.” Dress decent, DON’T LOOK, and get the message across by bluntly looking at the floor or totally looking away. Trust me, you’ll teach a few women a thing or two about their own immodesty while still being charitable.

Scantily-clad women need men to speak out for chastity and modesty as well, and not just to say, “Yeah hey you women should dress decent so I don’t have to look!” Why on earth do you think women dress like they do? FOR MEN! 🙂 So if men reject their exposure maybe the next time they come to Mass (or whatever) they’ll think twice about the teeny-weeny dress.
 
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MichelleTherese:
Hey now guys, don’t try and get out of your own slew of ACTIONS!

Modest clothing isn’t just for women! It’s for guys too. It’s just as hard for a woman to keep her thoughts pure when a good looking guy is strolling around in a tight T-shirt or shorts. Do you think we don’t notice your arms and legs?? Oy! Covery thyselves at Mass and keep thy T-shirts and shorts at home. (Unless that’s all you can afford, then wear with pride!)

And guys, you can also practice “custody of the eyes.”…
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Great point, I never thought of that. (I guess it’s because I don’t have rippling muscles or anything)! However, I do definately try and control my eyes and think more guys should. I wasn’t trying to lay the blame squarely on the ladies!

Attention all men!!! Listen up! Dress modestly and control those eyes of yours! Hold yourself to a higher standard and be a soldier for Christ!

:blessyou:
 
Some thoughts on modesty…

So, here it is, a little while into “the completely chaste person” experiment, and it’s tough. I am most definitely feeling the “healthiness” of being a young man. But, where a few years ago the condition would be a painfully difficult thing to live, and I’d give up before any real fight, I’m nowhere near that right now.

But you know what? Even though it would be so simple and easy to live an unchaste life, I’m loving the feeling of power it brings. Of control, strength. And, I’m fully aware of the Law of Mornings After. Trying to live this chaste life seems totally absurd and unecessarily contrarian, but there really is no other choice. If I give in, one way or another, I’m going to be hollowed out and filled with regret.

Man, this is tough, but well worth it.
 
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montanaman:
Some thoughts on modesty…

So, here it is, a little while into “the completely chaste person” experiment, and it’s tough. I am most definitely feeling the “healthiness” of being a young man. But, where a few years ago the condition would be a painfully difficult thing to live, and I’d give up before any real fight, I’m nowhere near that right now.

But you know what? Even though it would be so simple and easy to live an unchaste life, I’m loving the feeling of power it brings. Of control, strength. And, I’m fully aware of the Law of Mornings After. Trying to live this chaste life seems totally absurd and unecessarily contrarian, but there really is no other choice. If I give in, one way or another, I’m going to be hollowed out and filled with regret.

Man, this is tough, but well worth it.
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Well said! 👍 I’m on day 7 of my novena to Saint Joseph…praying for you guys:D
 
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