Chastity and single Catholic adults

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Good thread! Not limiting chastity to just Cathlics, lets ponder this. What iff the only sex in society occured in a marriage? Just think how much better of a world we would live in:
  1. No illegitimacy
  2. Less crime (children with 2 parents are less likely to grow up to be criminals).
  3. Reduced STDs (this is the cure for AIDS!)
  4. No teen pregnancy
  5. Much much much less abortion
  6. Less emotional devastation during dating
Closer more in tact families would be the result, and all the fruits that follow it.

A shrink once said of the commandment “Thou Shalt Not Committ Adultery” that “at least 50% of the world’s suffering comes from the violation of this commandment. Don’t believe me? Sit in on my counseling sessions. Read my emails and letters. Listen to my phone calls. Soon, you’ll start to believe that too”.

I think he’s right. And the suffering is so much more than the broken hearts he hears about.

Blessings
 
Some resources I have found to be helpful, and not geared towards teens:
  1. Good News About Sex and Marriage by Chris West. This book breaks down the Church’s teaching on sexual morality, and does address chastity. It is written in a Q and A format, and, at times, can be graphic, but not inappropriately so.
  2. Christian Courtship in an Over-Sexed World by Fr. Marrow. I didn’t read anything “new” in this book, but it’s a fresh perspective, and does address single Catholic adults as a community, with only a chapter or two geared towards young people. Fr. Marrow is also the chaplain for Ave Maria Singles online.
  3. 10 Commandments of Dating. Written by Protestants, advocating pure relationships. It’s written in simple language, but not just for teens.
As for Catholic “dating” sites, I think they are a great way to find and meet other Catholic singles who live like you do (according to Church teaching, go to Mass every week, etc). I know a few couples who have married after meeting on these sites, and I myself have made many good friends there. It’s worth the time and effort to check it out.

God bless you all! Keep the faith and pray to Our Lady for her guidance and grace to stay pure, patient and perservere!
 
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MichelleTherese:
And guys, you can also practice “custody of the eyes.” When you see a scantily clad woman DON’T LOOK. Instead of saying, “I can’t help but look! She’s right in front of me!” look at the floor instead. How many scantily clad women are so stupid that they won’t notice you staring at the floor? That alone will send a powerful message to them without you saying a single word. Not only that, you’ll avoid impure thoughts.
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Bingo! You hit the nail on the head. Unless someone is putting a gun to your head and is saying “Look at this girl or die” you have only yourself to blame for staring.
 
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ktm:
Bingo! You hit the nail on the head. Unless someone is putting a gun to your head and is saying “Look at this girl or die” you have only yourself to blame for staring.
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You are right. We men like to excuse ourselves, by saying that “it’s hard not to look.”

That is never true. It is easy not to look.

The truth is, we deceive ourselves that “it won’t hurt to look.”
 
Bingo! You hit the nail on the head. Unless someone is putting a gun to your head and is saying “Look at this girl or die” you have only yourself to blame for staring.
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This is true. However, I’m still advocating a two-acre perimeter for every human on the planet. It can work, people! Or maybe the girls on one continent, the boys on another. (I’m not sure what to do with people with same sex attractions. Perhaps two more continents…)

When it comes time to choose a mate, we meet on a neutral continent. (Dang, I guess we’ll need another one). (Oh yeah, then we’ll need a continent for coupled pairs…)

Never mind, it isn’t going to work.
 
A few weeks ago (and last week also) I had an incident with one of the priests of our church. We have a budding young adult group and we had met for prayers in the prayer garden outside the church. Afterward we ran into him and I happened in the context of our group conversation to mention that I was hoping to adopt another dog.

Now, here’s the 2 incidents:

The first time I met Father, he asked me why I wasn’t married. I was at a party in that instance and told him I havent’ met the right guy. But the fact that THAT was the first question he asked me felt condemning to me as a single. I felt that I had done something wrong by not being married by the time I was 30. (My birthday was the day after.)

On the evening last week, I had my dog present as I had attended our outdoor prayers in the garden with my dog as I was incorporating what I needed to do (take the dog on her evening walk) and still attend prayers, if not Mass. When we met with Father and I mentioned the other dog possibility, he asked my why I dont’ get married and have children?

Again, same Priest, and again I felt condemned. I was the oldest of that particular group and already felt somewhat out of place. And to have Singlehood “dismissed” is hard. It was as if I have no place making life judgments unless I can be married and have children.

I actually wanted to ask him, “Who’d have me?”, but remained silent. At this point in time obviously God calls me to to be Single. I almost decided against a second dog “in case I get married.” How ridiculous is that? To make decisions based upon what may never happen? So I am in the process of 2nd dog ownership (Greyhond) but I hope to take both of my dogs through therapy dog training and use my singlehood to share this gift of pets with the sick, shut ins, elderly…etc.

I’m sorry, but although I think he’s really a wonderful priest, he has no idea about single adults outside of actual religious ordination. I can’t help feeling hurt by his question and I know that this happens every day to other singles. It’s just more difficult when a pastor is the one asking the question.

How does one respond to the pastor, “No one has seemed to find me valuable as a possible marriage partner?” Does that fact make us singles less in God’s eyes? Can we not be valuable to society and to the church through our other gifts and talents?

I don’t want to HAVE to get married and have children to be valuable. Don’t all Singles feel this way?
 
I must live in a different dimension. I’m NEVER asked about my marriage plans. Not even by my nosey extended family–within which all my teen and early-twenties cousins are married. Have I just been written off as the hopeless bachelor?

As for that priest asking you why you weren’t married, don’t worry about it. He was a clod–especially since your 30TH birthday was the next day… :rolleyes: You can’t expect them ALL to be social stallions…
 
JCPhoenix,

You shouldn’t worry about what the priest is saying. I know that sometimes I have been upset by things a priest has said to me. They are so busy sometimes with things going on inside the parish that they don’t always realize that they should slow down and just talk with people. I’m sure if he took the time to speak with you and understand your situation, he would not be asking you questions like that.

Also, don’t worry about your age. If/When God wants you to be married it will happen. I have a sister who will be 31 in Septemeber and she is single.

I understand how discouraging it can be sometimes when you see everyone around you getting married and your not. We just have to trust in God and things will happen! God bless you.
 
JCPhoenix said:
“Who’d have me?” “No one has seemed to find me valuable as a possible marriage partner?”
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One of these days I am actually going to have the courage to USE these answers!!! And yes, we all think them. And I’m older than you 😃 . For me, I’ve finally come to terms with this as my vocation, so it no longer occurs to me to care if someone thinks I’m less valuable as such.
 
Thank you for your responses and your identification to my situation…as I suspected we do all experience this! What IS that?

I don’t think our priest meant to be offensive in any way, but it’s clear that he doesn’t understand that we as singles need affirmation as well. What can we as single Catholics do to change this idea? What can we do to remind people that we’re important also and are active parts of God’s kingdom and plan?

I realize that my littel rant has somewhat taken us off track, so I apologize…I didn’t mean for that to happen. What we were really discussing was single chastity/celibacy…should we start another thread to talk about the single image as a valuable part of the Church?
 
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Maggie:
One of these days I am actually going to have the courage to USE these answers!!! And yes, we all think them. And I’m older than you 😃 . For me, I’ve finally come to terms with this as my vocation, so it no longer occurs to me to care if someone thinks I’m less valuable as such.
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I like the line from Clueles…

" I’m just picky, you see how I am with my shoes, and they only go on my feet" followed by a cutesy pout.

I also use, obviously you haven’t met any of the unwashed miscreants I now call ex boyfriends.

I got that question from my priest too. He then proceeded to set me up on dates with other members of our Parish. They were nice enough, I guess, if you like the greasy Sopranos look. And it was hard holding a conversation with them over dinner when they talked about their cars ad nauseum. (I have a car, and here what I know about it, I put a key in a hole, and turn, and it goes Vroom… if it doesn’t it’s gonna cost about 800 bucks to get it fixed). There was one who also really a little scary in the way that he really LOVES his mother. When every sentence begins with my mom this or my mom that, it flashes a HUUUUGE warning sign over his head that says " No Matter What Mommy Will Always Be Number 1"
Good God, if that’s whats out there, I’ll remain single. After the past few dates, I really have learned to love my dog a lot more. He’s always happy to see me. And he does what I tell him to. All he asks of me is some food a couple of walks and some belly scratching.
 
I got that question from my priest too. He then proceeded to set me up on dates with other members of our Parish. They were nice enough, I guess, if you like the greasy Sopranos look. And it was hard holding a conversation with them over dinner when they talked about their cars ad nauseum. (I have a car, and here what I know about it, I put a key in a hole, and turn, and it goes Vroom… if it doesn’t it’s gonna cost about 800 bucks to get it fixed). There was one who also really a little scary in the way that he really LOVES his mother. When every sentence begins with my mom this or my mom that, it flashes a HUUUUGE warning sign over his head that says " No Matter What Mommy Will Always Be Number 1"
Good God, if that’s whats out there, I’ll remain single. After the past few dates, I really have learned to love my dog a lot more. He’s always happy to see me. And he does what I tell him to. All he asks of me is some food a couple of walks and some belly scratching.
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LOL. That reminds me of a country song out right now. Amy DSomethingorother… It’s called “Men Don’t Change.” One line goes:

“Cupid works for the devil, be suspicious if he cries
The sex is usually good, but that don’t mean it’s right
Chocolate is a band-aid, no matter what they say
Shoes don’t stretch / And men don’t change.”

Now, as a guy, I take exception to this. But I can’t possibly counter the argument that these lines don’t categorize a LOT of men…
 
JCPhoenix,

I don’t think you’ve taken us off track. I hope this thread can be a support for us singles. We don’t have to wait for the Vatican or a priest. We, just ordinary Catholics, can find ways to support and encourage each other. I hope we can start something good here.
 
JC I know what you mean. It’s like we singles are the invisible “soon to be married” flock of sheep. What use do we have except to hurry up and get married? Meanwhile, why pay much attention to us since, well, we’re going to end up getting married. What’s the use of putting in all sorts of time, effort, and money making “Single Catholic Adult” groups and books and positions within the Church when God knows how much longer we’ll be single?

Yeah, that sounds nice in theory but in reality a lot of us single adults end up single for a loooong time. Meanwhile we float around like driftwood with hardly a stitch of support in our quest for a chaste life.

In a world filled with easy sex and cheap relationships it’s almost impossible for us chaste singles to find a man/woman that will seriously date us with marriage in mind and NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE as a 100% understood part of the relationship. It’s like, “What, no sex? Forget it!” So while chaste singles are all interesting people with loads of talents and skills and gifts just waiting to be appreciated, and plenty of love to give, give, and give some more, we are the dating scene outcasts.

We don’t fit anywhere! Eeeeek! This is sad but true: no wonder so many Catholics give up and shack up with lovers. Sigh
 
"I don’t think you’ve taken us off track. I hope this thread can be a support for us singles. We don’t have to wait for the Vatican or a priest. We, just ordinary Catholics, can find ways to support and encourage each other. I hope we can start something good here."

EXACTLY!!! This is exactly why I posted this thread. We Catholics have this thing about waiting around for someone to start up a committee to deal with a need. But why?!? It’s time for us to get ourselves motivated and be the catalists under the banner of “CHASTITY SETS YOU FREE!!”

🙂
 
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MichelleTherese:
We don’t fit anywhere! Eeeeek! This is sad but true: no wonder so many Catholics give up and shack up with lovers. Sigh
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Exactly! I’m not ashamed at all of my chaste lifestyle but I definately feel akward if the topic comes up in conversation. It just permiates our society! Sometimes I feel so out of place like I’m some freak for not falling into this “if it feels good do it” society. I look forward to the day when young people like you and me will be the norm and not the exception!
 
Yes!!! We don’t have just sit there. We can and should be participants in this Church. This can become a great resource for us. We are not alone. There are others who want to be a reflection of Christ. A great way to start is to live out our state in life. Married, religious, single, we all have challenges. The difference is the married and religious have their support systems. Hopefully, if we can start something here, we can carry it with us to other singles.
 
I have found that the #1 “support” in the battle of Chastity is to CLEAN YOUR ENVIRONMENT! I got rid of secular music, movies, and books that focus too much on sex. I no longer listen to secular radio stations. And I cut out almost all TV watching. All of these things can get your “urges” all fired up and make chastity the last thing on your mind! When people say, “I don’t really pay attention to the sex stuff” I say “Nonsense!” How can you NOT notice it when it’s in your ears or in front of your eyes? Weed it out. We don’t need it so why have it? There’s no excuse.

Read books about the Saints and strive to immitate them. If you, like me, are a terrible wanna-be Saint, go for the Little Way of Saint Therese. When you fill your mind with holiness it’s hard to stray.

Another thing that helps is to pray “Hail Mary’s” over and over again when lustful thoughts and feelings hit. And I mean, you pray each word carefully and focus on what you’re saying. You can’t go very far into temptation and impurity when you are focusing on the Blessed Virgin Mary!!

My step-mother told me her own trick as a single: she’d pin a small Miraculous Medal to her brassiere! It sounds crazy but she told me that the realization that a blessed and holy object was waiting really kept her boyfriends (and herself) in line hahaha! Now imagine what would happen if we pinned Miraculous Medals to all of the brassieres hanging out of women’s skimpy shirts these days…

Wearing a brown scapular helps too. It’s there…lurking…waiting. Venture if you dare! Muwahahahaha!

Saint Maria Goretti makes an awsome Prayer Warrior for any of us Singles regardless of age. She was the little girl who was brutally murdered because she said, “NO!” Now that’s a tough act to deny. If she can DIE for chastity, can’t I LIVE for chastity?

It all boils down to one thing:

ACTION !!
 
We must reclaim society!

It’s time for chastity to return to it’s proper place.
 
Well, I guess we are starting; here. Becoming Catholic has helped me to realize that we are on a journey. Our Christian life is not meant to be static. So, maybe we are weak today, but we seek God’s grace to make us stronger tomorrow. Yes, it’s harder to do the wrong thing after spending time in prayer or before the Blessed Sacrament. My goal is to spend the time I would normally spend on what I shouldn’t be doing to spend it instead with Jesus. How much stuff can we cut back in our lives and replace it with being with God. Maybe we should all sign up to spend one hour a week in the adoration chapel. How about weekly confession? God gave us this wonderful vehicle for his grace, the sacraments, administered by His Church. Let’s all pray for an increase in patience. Tomorrow isn’t always easier than today. We must remember we are constantly working to become a reflection of Christ.
 
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