Chastity and single Catholic adults

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Chris Jacobsen:
Perhaps it is time for single people to form chastity rights groups. If an employer gives health insurance benefits to live-in partners, chastity rights groups could demand that employers pay single people the difference in premium between the family plan and the single plan.
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This might have escaped you… but families already DO pay more for most employee health plans then singles.

For instance my last out-of-the-home employement situation singles paid $13 dollars per pay period for the basic insurance and families paid $134 — TEN times the amount.

-D
 
Chris Jacobsen:
It is bad advice to tell people “wait until you get married to have sex”. Or to advice people not have sex before marriage.

The underlying assumptions in such statements are that everyone has a vocation for marriage and that everyone will evenually get married. These assumptions are false.

Many people do not have a vocation for marriage. The Church teaches that there are four vocations. They are single, religious, priest, and marriage.

The high divorce rate in American society is evidence, that a great number of people have made the mistake of thinking marriage was their vocation.

It is much better advice to tell people, “Never have sex with anyone that you are not married to.”

Being single in and of itself is a vocation. It is not a waiting time for another vocation. People with a vocation for being single are not single until…they become a priest, until… they become a brother or a nun, until… they get married. They are single for life.

Perhaps it is time for single people to form chastity rights groups. If an employer gives health insurance benefits to live-in partners, chastity rights groups could demand that employers pay single people the difference in premium between the family plan and the single plan.

Chastity rights groups could be watch-dog and advocacy organizations. Public awareness can be raised showing how chaste singles are discriminated against. Letters could be written to priests and bishops, letters to the editor, protest marches could be staged. And chastity-phobic public officials and institutions exposed, and preasure brought to bear to make them see light and mend their ways. People could be recruited to enjoy the benefits of a single and chaste lifestyle.
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The last thing our country needs is another victims group. Let’s think less about our “rights” and more about our responsibilities. Life isn’t always fair.
 
“The underlying assumptions in such statements are that everyone has a vocation for marriage and that everyone will evenually get married. These assumptions are false.”

When someone says, “Do not have sex until you are married” to a person that truly has a vocation to be single, that person will correct the speaker if they feel the need to do so.
 
The counsil for chastity and purity needs to have great stamina, be prepetetually vigilant, and, at least in my case, they need to be forceful and strong. In my late teens I was open to such talk about chastity and abstinence council, but once I went into the military I was on a one way road to fornication. If someone cared enough to discuss the matter with me, barring anyone other than maybe my mother or father, they would have needed to brace themselves for a physical assault.

I recall times when such matters would be brought up and having the sensation that I would rather cut the throat of this person instead of listening to this balther. There are ocassions when my “would be partner of the evening” had an attack of conscience and threw up the chastity block. If I couldn’t beguile them into rescending that obstacle, then I would employ whatever savvy I had, and subtly excuse myself from their presence.

Yeah, that caviler attitude towards sexuality the brute tour de force that I surrounded it with only contaminated and damaged my abilities to share and express true love with my spouse. Once I came to realize all of the error of my ways (which was in my second/present marriage), then I believe the healing began. It was like coughing up lung corruption from a severe bout with pneumonia or something.

So many of my friends, co-workers, and collegues were hip and forceful on the use of “protection”. They reveled in the “responsibility” and the “care” they were taking for both themselves and their partners by employing the perscribed means to enjoy “safe” sex. Someone needed desperately to slam the hammer down on that attitude and smash that false “SAFE” , because the only safety in sex is that which if in marriage.

If phrases like “tax it” or “tear it up” would only be applied to ones mortal soul instead of as a litmus test for a person’s libido, then I think maybe the allure of illicit sexual conduct might be dampened. This thread hit the nail on the head…it has to be a complete renovation of both heart an soul.

I pray that all will heed the call to chastity and purity.

Pax Christi
 
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Truly:
… So for the time being, I have given up. I’m knee deep in sin, and was doing pretty good at ignoring it (except when Sunday rolls around…can I tell you how much I miss the Eucharist? And I miss Confession…never thought I’d miss that!) until this thread.

SO…any more advice you can throw my way will help me tremendously, since God will not let me ignore it any longer. …

Any help and prayers would be greatly appreciated!
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Hi,

Sorry I’m so late in getting back to you, and I hope you’re subscribed to this thread so you are continuing to follow the answers that have been generated.

In reading your post I thought of the common error that those of us who are just becoming more aware of the realities of sin in our lives make (or are encouraged to make). Avoidance of the Eucharist, as opposed to clearing ones conscience through confession has at times been encouraged as an appropriate stop gap measure while one deals with the circumstances of their life.

Hello! Deal with it, make the necessary changes and get yourself into confession! Then go back to confession, and back until you find yourself making the interior changes necessary to begin to slow your pace of sin, at least in this area.

Wow that sounds harsh. What I’m really trying to say is, we can’t do it without God. So, why would we avoid the Graces he showers on us?

Also, if we can come to better accept and fully appreciate the reality of our bodies as temples of the Holy Spirit, the thought of desecrating the temple becomes unthinkable. The body of our partner is also the Temple of the Holy Spirit. We are meant to know this truth. We are meant to see Christ present in all people and to treat ourselves and others with the respect necessary.

If we can begin by knowing this truth in the way we treat those closest to us, we are planting the seeds of peace for the world.

CARose
 
:crying: This is such an inspiring thread!!! Indeed, as a single man, I must abstain and remain chaste for the one I love.
 
CatholicSamurai said:
:crying: This is such an inspiring thread!!! Indeed, as a single man, I must abstain and remain chaste for the one I love.
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Dude, I just looked at your profile and you have the same birthday as me! FYI. And yes, you must abstain and remain chaste for the one you love. Fight the good fight brother!
 
If you are already chaste: when temptation washes over you like a tidal wave and you are drowning, what do you do to get out of it?
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39 Single Male here to share my thoughts. My advice sounds really simple but I used to do the internet bad surfing and when I came back finally I needed help. When I came back to the Church (I wasn’t raised Catholic, just baptised, but am now trying to live a Catholic life after dipping my toes into the water several times.) I got a Rosary. Praying the Rosary was a pretty strong experience for me and I honestly think Mary gave me grace to not sin in that fashion single males sin. Rosary started, bad thing ended.

But I think you need to cooperate. If you turn on MTV and then complain about how the temptations are too strong you are setting yourself up to fail. And not just MTV but anything lewd. You know it when you see it so turn away! Change the channel, look another way, think about something else soon as you realize you are being tempted.

If you look or comment about women as objects, again, you are setting yourself up for that “pornographic” worldview. I think JP2 said the problem with pornography is not that it shows too much, but too little. Look past the temptation into the humanity, the heart of the person. The temptation to use that person for your selfish pleasure should run shrieking away.

So cooperate. See the heart of everyone. Every image that tempts you, look past it and think of the humanity of the person. As you live more and more days in this fashion you relate to people with a freedom not bounded or imprisoned by thinking of sensuality/sexuality all the time but looking away from the self and look into the other human being as a human being who also wants to know Christ–even if they do not yet know they want Him.

Love for those of us who are single is an option. Love is for all of us and if we grow beyond the romantic notion of love to the Christ notion of love, life becomes a lot more interesting I think, but I am still exploring out here…

Pray a mystery of the Rosary every day. You have a spiritual mother who loves you and wants you to be pure to know her divine Son. I believe that she will help you.

peace
 
It’s easier to get caught up in lust then it is to avoid lust. We are creatures that natrually attempt to follow the easy path - so we need to be constantly on guard and willing to put up a big fight when tempted by lust! It’s hard work and that’s why so many fail. To be blunt: heaven isn’t obtained by spineless wimps who were too weak to swim against the current of Society.
 
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MichelleTherese:
It’s easier to get caught up in lust then it is to avoid lust. We are creatures that natrually attempt to follow the easy path - so we need to be constantly on guard and willing to put up a big fight when tempted by lust! It’s hard work and that’s why so many fail. To be blunt: heaven isn’t obtained by spineless wimps who were too weak to swim against the current of Society.
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Great point, although the other side would have us believe that those who don’t swim with the current of society are spineless wimps.
 
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guse:
I am so grateful that I’m not the only one who is wondering where the “chastity resources” for ADULT singles are. All the words about the single vocation sound good, but I believe it is truly one of the hardest to live. Where do we fit in? While I accept the Church’s teachings, I struggle; asking an adult male to never have any kind of sexual relations does not seem normal. I don’t say that because our culture is so “sexually saturated”, but it seems that the natural order of things is marriage and family. This is not a singles’ world. Am I the only one who feels out of place when in the company of couples? I just feel that something is missing.
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For great resources on Theology of the Body and chastity in the ADULT SINGLE CATHOLIC life, try:

Mary Beth Bonacci: reallove.net/articleshowc783.html?ID=98

The Courage Group (don’t think they haven’t got something to teach you just cause you ain’t same-sex attracted. They have been getting into the nitty-gritty of chastity in ADULT life longer than anyone!) couragerc.net/PIPNineSpiritualTruths.html

Dave Sloan: www.godofdesire.com
 
Yeah, I want some more support. I’ve stayed the male counterpart of a virgin for 22 years now but I already know how hard it gets, at least on the side of mental sexual sins, controlling thoughts and desires, if not actions per se. Although even that temptation has been there.

Especially, I need such support on the female part. For all the babble about men being the sex fiends and women only reluctantly giving it when required by men, my life experience has pointed to the contrary.

Heck, if the choice is die a virgin or give up your beliefs and your dignity, I won’t hesitate a moment. At least sitting comfortably in my chair and sipping tea. But in the field, I would use support, sure. I’ve been given it by God, sure. I firmly believe I would have ended up in the bad world of cheap sex the modern culture seems to adore, if it weren’t for God.

At the moment, my relationship is at risk because some things I won’t do and the fact that they pop up makes me ask myself if it’s a good relationship, too.
 
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chevalier:
At the moment, my relationship is at risk because some things I won’t do and the fact that they pop up makes me ask myself if it’s a good relationship, too.
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That is a good point you make. You should take a closer look at your relationship and see if it is leading you closer to Christ.
 
//#3 Avoid all occasions of sin. Bring purity into your relationship by avoiding physical contact. This will seem extreme and utterly stupid at first but ride the wave! When we make out with the opposite sex we are getting ourselves ready for sex. That’s the whole point of touching, kissing, fondling: let’s get ready to procreate! So, avoid such activity! Act like a “prude” and save your soul//

so every time you put your arm aournd your wife you’re ‘getting ready to procreate’? can there be no physical affection without sex? Trouble with this kind of one eyed thought is that it has implications for married people too.
 
Naah, it’s the way the guys touch the girls nowadays and the other way round. In the past, it was way more normal to walk arm-in-arm or even hand in hand with people of opposite gender if they were friends or otherwise somehow related to you, especially if you didn’t know the way. There was quite a lot of friendly touching, as well. All the helping the lady with the overcoat, pulling the chair and helping her up, kissing hands and everything… Way more physical than what you normally get now. It’s only the way people treat physical contact in the present times, not the physical contact itself.
 
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chevalier:
Naah, it’s the way the guys touch the girls nowadays and the other way round. In the past, it was way more normal to walk arm-in-arm or even hand in hand with people of opposite gender if they were friends or otherwise somehow related to you, especially if you didn’t know the way. There was quite a lot of friendly touching, as well. All the helping the lady with the overcoat, pulling the chair and helping her up, kissing hands and everything… Way more physical than what you normally get now. It’s only the way people treat physical contact in the present times, not the physical contact itself.
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I agree. It’s still like that in Latin America.
 
Well, I’m Polish. Not an immigrant but one who actually lives here. We used to be a hardcore Catholic country, but nowadays it’s strange to hear what people believe. The majority of unmarried people is probably sexually active.

However, in my highschool circle of friends (highschool was four years when you were 15 to 19 years old when I went to it), it was perfectly normal for females and females with males to kiss on the cheek as a greeting (guys didn’t kiss). Slow dancing was normal except with strangers. Hugging or even embracing did happen. Walking arm in arm is a noble thing to do. Hand in hand for friends isn’t bad. Sometimes friends would sit on friends’ laps, like for a photo or when there’s little room, or otherwise innocently. On occasion, a girl would go straight for the lips instead of the cheek if she hadn’t seen a good friend for long or I don’t know what… affectionate birthday wish maybe?

But there was no sex. No nudity. Next to no French kissing at all (just the really affectionate people if they hit it off really hard). There was a plastic model for first aid mouth-to-mouth breathing aid. Stage plays didn’t have any kissing between the actors even if the characters were in love. Girls didn’t expose underwear, breasts or behinds in casual streat wear even if bikini was a given for beach sceneries. They could actually ask you, as a guy, out for a night of dancing in a night club and only mean dancing. No five minute interlude in the toilet, no groping, no salivating.

Tempi passati! 😉
 
“I have lots of friends that courted rather then dated and they are very happily married.
my courting friends never said anything like this. Instead they spoke about all of the things they did and spoke about and enjoyed as they gasp! built an acctual relationship.”

Hi Michelle!

Just a quick question- what’s the difference between courting and dating?
(smile) When I think of courting, I think of a young man and women sitting in the girl’s parent’s parlor drinking tea with her parents sitting opposite them. 😃
Call me ‘old fashoined’ but Vicotorian Parlors come to mind…

I’m trying to explain to my friends who have entered into intamite relationships outside of marraige, that there is a difference, and one should refrain from this activity. My one friend is dealing with major feelings of guilt and shame. It is a very painful time for her.
Any ideas to help her? She keeps thinking that she is a horriable person now and that she is a bad Christian. She is protestant.

Thanks for your help- I’ve really enjoyed your posts- thanks!

Jade
 
How do I know… I have to deal with one such person myself. What can you say other than Confession is for it? First, she must realise that maybe there’s no judgement for those who love but those who love obey the commandments. For doing something wrong, regret is due. Preferably perfect contrition, not like it’s easy to have it.

As for courting, I suppose I’m not going to hear from people that non-exclusive courting is OK. Please, am I? I believe that whatever is romantic or sexual (morally, biologically, or otherwise sexual in any way or degree) is supposed to be exclusive. So non-exclusive dates with non-exclusive kissing and embracing and talking sweet things to sweet tunes in a sweet scenery. That’s also wrong.
 
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