Chastity and single Catholic adults

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This is a good thread!

I have never had a chaste dating relationship. It’s been a couple of years since I’ve dated. Except for a couple of dinner dates, that is.

I’ve joined a couple of Catholic singles sites. I’ve had a couple of face-to-face meetings but nothing I had to be on my guard about.

This Friday I will be meeting someone for the first time. I have been emailing him and talking to him on the phone for months. I like the way his photos look and I hope that he and I hit it off.

I have to admit that I’d like to be able to kiss a little at some point. Hold hands, and hug. That would be nice. But, I’m afraid of something getting too exciting and not wanting to stop.

Oh, by the way, I joined Catholic Match and they have these yes/no questions on your profile you answer. One is “I agree with the Church’s teachings on premarital sex.” That way, you can at least start out on a relationship ostensibly on the same page. I don’t have to worry about some guy expecting sex on the third date, and at the very least, I won’t have to EXPLAIN myself to someone. “But, why not? But, WHY?” :rolleyes:
 
Yes, katybird, it’s nice to kiss and hug at some point. Everyone needs closeness. But one can hug friends and kiss friends on the cheek. As for romantic kissing… I have no problem with it happening between people who are romantically involved, attached and at least hoping for a future together. This, essentially, means something exclusive. So I’m deeply against the idea of non-exclusive kissing, like going out for dinner with A and kissing him/her, then the same with B on the following day and with A again, then C, B, A, B, A, C, A… In short, if it’s romantic, and not just friends with a faint possibility of something more, it already should be exclusive and courting, not just dating. That’s my views in the matter, essentially. How about yours?
 
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MichelleTherese:
God doesn’t send us to hell. We send ourselves to hell by our sins.

#2 Have a friend help. .
Then, ask a trusted friend to accompany you on all and any dates/time spent with your fiance. Sounds dorky, eh? Yeah but guess what? Until we are able to control ourselves, we need another pair of eyes to keep us in line. Having a serious chaparone will keep you from engaging in any sexual sins."

Michelle,
As always, Thank you for your posts!!
First of all, I would like to thank you again and again for starting this thread- I know I have learned a lot and if feels like I have friends now (my ‘forum buddies’!) where we can openly discuss this very difficult issue. We need to keep this ‘support group’ up and running!!
It’s too important to loose!
(laugh) Ok, I’m done with my mini rant…

I think of that quote you pu ton red letters a lot- how true it is! It really makes me stop and think.

And just to add to your second comment, I read a interview with a writer who wrote a book on chastity and she said that a priest friend ( If memory serves me correctly) told her to think of the steps of a very public building in the middle of the city. He said that just keep in mind- don’t do with your boyfriend/fiance/ girlfriend what you wouldn’t be comfortable doing the the front steps of that building.
I thought that was WONDERFUL advice!!

God Bless!!
Jade
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I am so glad I found this thread! I was married for 14 years, have been divorced for almost ten now. It is hard to try and live a chaste and celibate life after having been married. I miss sex. But, the last time I had sex with my boyfriend (several months ago) I felt so far away from God that I said it could never happen again, and I have stuck to that. Jesus is the only man who will never let me down and who will always love me. That is what helps me to stay chaste. But, it is difficult, because I can remember what it feels like to be really close to a man. I miss the physical intimacy. JP
 
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chevalier:
Yes, katybird, it’s nice to kiss and hug at some point. Everyone needs closeness. But one can hug friends and kiss friends on the cheek. As for romantic kissing… I have no problem with it happening between people who are romantically involved, attached and at least hoping for a future together. This, essentially, means something exclusive. So I’m deeply against the idea of non-exclusive kissing, like going out for dinner with A and kissing him/her, then the same with B on the following day and with A again, then C, B, A, B, A, C, A… In short, if it’s romantic, and not just friends with a faint possibility of something more, it already should be exclusive and courting, not just dating. That’s my views in the matter, essentially. How about yours?
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I don’t have the time or inclination to date enough people to have A,B,C, etc…

I would like to be free to date until I’m seriously committed to someone (“practically engaged” or really discussing marriage) but I’m not sure how to do that, either. It’s not that I want to date lots of people, I just don’t want to get into a “going steady” trap that will waste precious time.
 
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katybird:
This is a good thread!

I have never had a chaste dating relationship. It’s been a couple of years since I’ve dated. Except for a couple of dinner dates, that is.

I’ve joined a couple of Catholic singles sites. I’ve had a couple of face-to-face meetings but nothing I had to be on my guard about.

This Friday I will be meeting someone for the first time. I have been emailing him and talking to him on the phone for months. I like the way his photos look and I hope that he and I hit it off.

I have to admit that I’d like to be able to kiss a little at some point. Hold hands, and hug. That would be nice. But, I’m afraid of something getting too exciting and not wanting to stop.

Oh, by the way, I joined Catholic Match and they have these yes/no questions on your profile you answer. One is “I agree with the Church’s teachings on premarital sex.” That way, you can at least start out on a relationship ostensibly on the same page. I don’t have to worry about some guy expecting sex on the third date, and at the very least, I won’t have to EXPLAIN myself to someone. “But, why not? But, WHY?” :rolleyes:
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What is your impression of those dating sites. I’ve never been a fan of that sort of stuff. When I think of meeting people on the internet I think of Jerry Springer = majorly disfunctional relationships. Do you like the inet thing or do you just meet a bunch of weird’os?
 
I guess it works like cake. You can’t have a cake and eat it. For me, it’s either going steady and committing or not enjoying the kisses and embraces. Without commitment to the other person, the kiss is either a vain act or one that serves pleasure alone… and quite a dangerous physical intergender kind of pleasure. There are people in this forum who will tell you otherwise. They will tell you it’s perfectly normal to have multiple romantic partners and kiss with each. I say otherwise. Can’t give you much to support my words except other words – and ones that I’ve already given. I suppose this should be self-evident, anyway. We just live in a culture which doesn’t seem romantic kissing of multiple people as a problem among Catholics the same way premarital sex doesn’t look like a problem for secularists.
 
Courting and Dating were mentioned in another post: forgive my naitivity, but what’s the difference?

When I think of courting, I think of Victorian Parlors and dates with the girl’s parents sitting across the room…😃
 
The difference is lost nowadays. People have various understandings of it. Courting is supposed to lead to engagement and then marriage, if it doesn’t already include engagement.

Dating is supposed to be a social meeting, but it does involve some romantic themes, some matching processes etc. Thus, some Catholics don’t have a problem with it not being exclusive, while courting is practically always understood as exclusive and engagement always is.

However, I must tell you I do have a problem with non-exclusive dating. Non-Catholics have sleeping buddies, Catholics have kissing buddies - because they think it’s chaste. See my point? This is why I say if it’s dating, it needs to be exclusive. “More than friends but less than lovers” kind of arrangements with multiple people at the same time are not compatible with Catholic morals. We are supposed to be monogamous people, looking for one person to marry and thus only involved with one person romantically at a time. And no, this doesn’t mean that it’s OK to have many unserious relationships on condition you break off from one before starting another. Treating in a romantic way anyone whom you know you aren’t going to marry is, at least in my eyes, against a couple of commandments (VI for indulging physically and emotionally, V for all the pain inflicted, VII for taking people’s time away and leading them on, VIII fo broken promises and creating vain hopes… the list is long).

Therefore, I would say that strict friendship for everyone but one person and only if you are convinced that you are in love and would like to become engaged with the person in the future. Crossing the boundaries of friendship with multiple people is licentious and promiscuous (sexually, emotionally, many ways). My children will be forbidden from it and a woman who thinks that such kind of behaviour is proper or even permissible is not going to be my future wife.

It saddens me how male Catholics feel comfortable about asking someone newly known for a “date”, how female Catholics could accept such an invitation and how both tend to think that mouth kissing is a customary reward. It is as if you approached an attractive female stranger and asked “mind a dinner and some kissing afterwards?”. I can’t see why people don’t consider this improper.
 
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EsclavoDeCristo:
What is your impression of those dating sites. I’ve never been a fan of that sort of stuff. When I think of meeting people on the internet I think of Jerry Springer = majorly disfunctional relationships. Do you like the inet thing or do you just meet a bunch of weird’os?
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Um, I know a lot of people who have met and married via the Internet.

A good friend of mine just met his fiance on Ave Maria Singles - Father Benedict Groschell is a big supporter of that site, and says a relative of his met their spouse there.

The people you will meet on an Internet singles sites are exactly the same people you’ll meet anywhere else. I mean, if you go on a SWINGERS site, you’ll meet swingers, of course… but the regular dating sites have regular people for members. Some of them are freaky dorks and some of them are fantastic.

You can weed out a lot of the freaky dork people via their profiles or emails pretty easily, although you really do have to remain careful and keep your antanae up. It’s really not any more dangerous than meeting someone at the grocery store - and, of course, you want to meet in a public place at first.

Catholicmatch.com has their profile system set up in such a way that you can screen for profiles that have the same religious beliefs as you. There are seven “Faith questions” with yes/no answers on topics like premarital sex, birth control, etc… and, it’s nice to know that the guy I’m corresponding with at least claims to have the right beliefs about such matters.
 
I’ve tried some of those Catholic singles dating web sites, and I’m amazed at how many people on them represent themselves as Catholics, and then state that they hardly ever go to church! So just the fact that a site is “Catholic” doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll find the kind of people you want there.

Unfortunately, I discovered that the people on Catholic dating sites aren’t necessarily any more charitable or less judgemental than people on other kinds of sites. It’s still all about looks – no profile pic, and you’ll get no hits. You’re not pretty? You’ll get no hits. You’re fat? No hits.

And what am I to think when I find people I know on the site, and I see that they’re lying about their age and their size? Stupid me; I told the truth. :rolleyes:

That all doesn’t have anything to do with chastity, anyway. I have no interest in the “dating scene” – I mean, that predatory desperate-to-meet-someone thing. That whole scene where just the fact that you had a date, means you are expected to do things that would be a definite sin against chastity. I had to struggle with this in college – it was at the height of the “sexual revolution” (the movement that only gave women the freedom to say “yes”, and took away their freedom to say “no”). The boys in college expected certain things on a first date; if you didn’t do those things, you’d probably never see the guy again. Needless to say, I didn’t have many second dates. 😉

I’m done with all that. I’m no hermit; I’m involved in lots of activities, and if God has a special guy in mind for me, He’ll make him known to me.

Meantime, it’s prayer, the sacraments (including Reconciliation), and avoiding the near occasion of sin. 🙂
 
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CarolAnnSFO:
I’ve tried some of those Catholic singles dating web sites, and I’m amazed at how many people on them represent themselves as Catholics, and then state that they hardly ever go to church! So just the fact that a site is “Catholic” doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll find the kind of people you want there.

Unfortunately, I discovered that the people on Catholic dating sites aren’t necessarily any more charitable or less judgemental than people on other kinds of sites. It’s still all about looks – no profile pic, and you’ll get no hits. You’re not pretty? You’ll get no hits. You’re fat? No hits.

And what am I to think when I find people I know on the site, and I see that they’re lying about their age and their size? Stupid me; I told the truth. :rolleyes:

That all doesn’t have anything to do with chastity, anyway. I have no interest in the “dating scene” – I mean, that predatory desperate-to-meet-someone thing. That whole scene where just the fact that you had a date, means you are expected to do things that would be a definite sin against chastity. I had to struggle with this in college – it was at the height of the “sexual revolution” (the movement that only gave women the freedom to say “yes”, and took away their freedom to say “no”). The boys in college expected certain things on a first date; if you didn’t do those things, you’d probably never see the guy again. Needless to say, I didn’t have many second dates. 😉

I’m done with all that. I’m no hermit; I’m involved in lots of activities, and if God has a special guy in mind for me, He’ll make him known to me.

Meantime, it’s prayer, the sacraments (including Reconciliation), and avoiding the near occasion of sin. 🙂
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Well, it quickly became apparent to me that just because somebody said all the right things on their profile was no guarantee that they were decent people. I also know of at least one married man who was passing himself off as single. I went one a date with a man who told me that he wasn’t REALLY annulled, but that his priest assured him he could get one. That was a bit annoying.

But, I only said that the people on there are pretty much like people you’ll meet anywhere else. This includes shallow, vain, and dishonest.

Before I was Catholic, I used to date on the secular version of Match.com and I met plenty of perfectly nice men. I know someone who got married from it. I know somebody who met their husband on “J-Date” (the leading Jewish singles site) and I know a couple of people who got married from Ave Maria and Catholic Match.

Anyway, the merely nominal Catholics aren’t as common on CatholicMatch.com - there are a lot of sincere Catholics who go to Mass at least once a week and who want to get married.

It’s hard to find someone who obeys the precepts of the Church and is on the same page when it comes to things like contraception and premarital sex. Sites like Ave Maria Singles and Catholic Match help us find one another.

Also, wanting to find a spouse is NOT a “predatory dating scene.” As a matter of fact, I am purposely looking at men who live some distance away from me, as I am unable to “date” - I don’t have the time to just hang out for recreation’s sake. I’m meeting someone face-to-face this weekend. I hope we click. If we do, we’ll try to see one another when we can and continue to get to know one another via email and phone conversations. The goal is to get married - not to find companionship.
 
If people are looking for someone to marry instead of casually meeting people, then drawing friends from the ranks of acquaintances and then waiting for something romantic to develop with a trusted friend, it’s quite normal that they would like to look on photos. Looks are not irrelevant. You’re going to be looking on the person you marry for the rest of your life. Or his/her life. He/she had better be “fair to look on” from your perspctive. Also, looks tell quite a lot about people other than just the mere sexiness factor.

I suppose a Catholic guy looking desperately for a wife would still be more intrigued by the photo of a woman in a decent, covering dress but with a nice, elaborate hair-do and resting her hands on a book instead of the curves and angles, than to a casual dating site style photo of the same woman. Just a thought. 😉
 
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chevalier:
If people are looking for someone to marry instead of casually meeting people, then drawing friends from the ranks of acquaintances and then waiting for something romantic to develop with a trusted friend, it’s quite normal that they would like to look on photos. Looks are not irrelevant. You’re going to be looking on the person you marry for the rest of your life. Or his/her life. He/she had better be “fair to look on” from your perspctive. Also, looks tell quite a lot about people other than just the mere sexiness factor.

I suppose a Catholic guy looking desperately for a wife would still be more intrigued by the photo of a woman in a decent, covering dress but with a nice, elaborate hair-do and resting her hands on a book instead of the curves and angles, than to a casual dating site style photo of the same woman. Just a thought. 😉
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Agreed! However elaborate hair is not necessary, only modesty and a love of Christ and His Church!
 
Yeah, simplicity is also beautiful. What I was trying to show is that there are things other than “sexiness” which can attract a man in a woman’s looks. For example, the fact that the lady cares for her looks and tries to be beautiful while still chaste does quite a lot for me. Not like I don’t like the ancient Greek or Roman sculptures or renaissance to baroque paintings, but there isn’t really any reason for a Catholic woman to show her skin publicly. I don’t even think a real beach photo would justify a public bikini show-off, let alone anything like the low-riding jeans with thong straps stuff, or monstruous cleavages that tend to be the norm today. Heck, it doesn’t attract me. It used to give me the purely biological reaction which is normal in men, but it doesn’t really anymore. The grossness successfully kills it.
 
Don’t you just love Catholics who can pick and pluck their way into heaven. They go to Mass, the go to Confession and then they go to bed with their lovers.

I know these people, I was one of them… not because I was being defiant to the Lord, but out of plain old ignorance!

Then I felt that it was OK to have sex when you were engaged. No wonder when the marriage never took place.

Well, no more and I understand now that it will be harder than ever to find Mr. Right. So be it…

I’d rather remain chaste than ‘waste’ in hell…

Blessings,
Joanie
 
Don’t you just love Catholics who can pick and pluck their way into heaven. They go to Mass, the go to Confession and then they go to bed with their lovers.

I know these people, I was one of them… not because I was being defiant to the Lord, but out of plain old ignorance!

Then I felt that it was OK to have sex when you were engaged. No wonder when the marriage never took place.

Well, no more and I understand now that it will be harder than ever to find Mr. Right. So be it…

I’d rather remain chaste than ‘waste’ in hell…

Blessings,
Joanie
 
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Maggie:
Get the temptations out of our lives:
  • Get rid of the TV!!!
  • Check the USCCB Reviews before going to the movies.
  • Monitor what you read.
  • Don’t wear clothes that make you feel, look, or act like a sex object.
  • Dress modestly and act modestly.
  • Recognize your singlehood as a vocation.
  • And get used to being called a geek 😃
It is not easy. Not by far. Out of sight, out of mind. At least to a certain extent. The less we are around nudity, sexual innuendo, even romantic tension, the better off we are. Personally I find I am tempted if I even stray into the world of romance novels. A good murder mystery where there isn’t any sex is fine, but nothing where the clothes come off. And hang around with people who share your values, people who know what you stand for and respect it. And share your faith respectfully. Live it.
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AMEN!

Its funny how I too concluded the TV had to go, among other things. I told father that finding time for prayer wasn’t a problem now that the TV has been shut off.
 
I am chaste by the grace of God and I received these graces by God’s Mercy infront of the Blessed Sacrament because I humbly asked for them. This chastity is maintained by grace in unceasing prayer and practising the Presence of God.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa
 
Yeah, been asking God to help me keep chaste until marriage, as well. Been praying for the future wife, as a matter of fact, as well, however strange it may seem. Sometimes I’m getting the feeling she’s praying for me, too, even if I don’t know who she’s going to be.
 
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