Cheating Husband Part II

  • Thread starter Thread starter Love31
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Someone finally called me back on marriage counseling. We have our first session the 28th at noon. My husband rolls his eyes and sighs and wants to know how much is going to cost us…already looking for an excuse not to go. I have decided that if he doesn’t go to counseling with me then I need to move on and I have also decided that if he does go to counseling and I see no change in his life style or if I’m still unhappy then I need to make a change to better me and my daughter…and MOVE ON. Pray that I may be strong and stand firm on my decision.
 
Love31 said:
Someone finally called me back on marriage counseling. We have our first session the 28th at noon. My husband rolls his eyes and sighs and wants to know how much is going to cost us…already looking for an excuse not to go. I have decided that if he doesn’t go to counseling with me then I need to move on and I have also decided that if he does go to counseling and I see no change in his life style or if I’m still unhappy then I need to make a change to better me and my daughter…and MOVE ON. Pray that I may be strong and stand firm on my decision.
Click to expand...
I will Love31, just keep putting this whole situation in God’s hands, that if this is the right counselor, the right thing to do in your marriage, then ask God to make it work out. If the counselor is going to give you damaging advice, or He doesn’t want this to continue, then ask God to make it not work out. Then, sit back and wait on His timing. Watch His hands doing these works. God is still with you, even closer than before all of this happened, that is what God promises us. I am just so sorry that you have to go through this. I wish that I could take away the pain, but I, and so many others, will be praying this thing through with you. This is God’s working in and through and for you, so rest in His loving hands as much as you possibly can.
If the counseling sessions work out, praise God after keeping this whole situation in prayer, because you know that they will be fruitful. If it doesn’t work out, praise God, because you know that God is protecting you.🙂 If it doesn’t work out, just keep asking God what He wants you to do now. He will let you know:thumbsup:

God bless you and your sweet daughter
 
Leaving on a business trip this afternoon. I should be back on Friday. Please pray for me…pray that I may be able to leave this drama at home and concentrate on my job. Thanks
 
Love31 said:
Someone finally called me back on marriage counseling. We have our first session the 28th at noon. My husband rolls his eyes and sighs and wants to know how much is going to cost us…already looking for an excuse not to go. I have decided that if he doesn’t go to counseling with me then I need to move on and I have also decided that if he does go to counseling and I see no change in his life style or if I’m still unhappy then I need to make a change to better me and my daughter…and MOVE ON. Pray that I may be strong and stand firm on my decision.
Click to expand...
Excellent ideas. I’m praying for you, Love.
 
mary_s_kid said:
Of course the unfaithful spouse should immediately stop all communication with the other partner. I’m not arguing that at all. But really, in all reality, that’s most likely not going to happen right away and that’s where I’m saying that the professionals who have studied affairs understand that in most cases there is some kind of “closure” needed by the affair partners. If they are emotionally attached, I would venture a guess that close to 100% of affair partners will have conversations revolving around saying goodbye to each other before actually getting to the no contact phase. This is what I’m talking about as tolerating. A short period of time at the end (hopefully) of the affair where the affair partners still have some contact.

As far as being practical with the no contact rule, what if they work together? Do they quit their job that day when they have a family to provide for and don’t have another job to go to? If it’s an affair with a neighbor, do you pack everything up and move out the next day before the house is sold? Sometimes, no contact immediately doesn’t work.
I, in no way, intend to give the impression that a faithful spouse should sit around and tolerate the continuation of an affair. But if the unfaithful spouse is making significant changes and appears remorseful and still has some form of contact with the affair partner due to the kind of conditions as I listed above, would you consider that enough to go right to separation? Maybe we just have a difference of opinion.
Click to expand...
I think Love has ‘tolerated’ quite a bit already. I understand your points, but her husband shouldn’t be having this type of relationship at all. I mean, when an alcoholic gives up drinking…he/she often decides to stay at a facility where there is no drinking. He/she doesn’t sip on a few drinks per day, to have closure. Love’s husband needs to cut it. Sever it. Don’t look back.

If he is not capable of breaking these ties, that will tell Love what her next move should be…LOVE’S FEELINGS should come above the other woman’s feelings…the marriage needs mending…this woman needs to find a single guy. These are not children who we are weaning off a bottle…they are adults, who should know that at this point…it’s time to cut the ties, and be done.
 
whatevergirl said:
I think Love has ‘tolerated’ quite a bit already. I understand your points, but her husband shouldn’t be having this type of relationship at all. I mean, when an alcoholic gives up drinking…he/she often decides to stay at a facility where there is no drinking. He/she doesn’t sip on a few drinks per day, to have closure. Love’s husband needs to cut it. Sever it. Don’t look back.

If he is not capable of breaking these ties, that will tell Love what her next move should be…LOVE’S FEELINGS should come above the other woman’s feelings…the marriage needs mending…this woman needs to find a single guy. These are not children who we are weaning off a bottle…they are adults, who should know that at this point…it’s time to cut the ties, and be done.
Click to expand...
Please read my post again especially the last few sentences. I don’t disagree with what you’ve posted. It’s taken me a long time to get to the point of not automatically saying “kick 'em to the curb” if an affair is discovered. I didn’t want to offer the offender forgiveness because I felt an offense like this was intolerable. But if Christ can forgive this and He hung on a cross who am I to say I won’t forgive if I am truly trying to follow Him? (and I don’t use forgiveness as meaning someone has to be a doormat).
When someone decides to leave a marriage they have to know they have done EVERYTHING possible to try to give their marriage a chance so that later they can be at peace about such a monumental decision especially when children are involved. The only person who knows if they have done everything possible is that person. No one here can tell the OP when she should get out of her marriage.
I know alot of people on CAF are divorced and some remarried and this can be a very sensitive area. I don’t want to come across as insensitive. I was 7 months pregnant and very close to divorce myself two years ago. I know how it feels to be in the trenches. And I know I could be back to that point at anytime.

In my post from 4/19 I was trying to make the point that when an affair involves emotions as well as the sexual nature of it, it takes on a life of it’s own and to say to the spouse of someone who has committed adultery that to expect there be absolutely no more communication btw. the two affair partners is really unreasonable. There is a goodbye period to most affairs that should be short. That is what I think her therapist was telling her. As hard as it sounds, that is the reality. Who, in their right mind, wants to hear that???
I’ll say this again. Of course there should be no more contact btw the two adulterers. But if they work together or are neighbors, would you recommend separation if they see each other (not a continuation of the affair) before a new job or new house is found?
 
mary_s_kid said:
Please read my post again especially the last few sentences. I don’t disagree with what you’ve posted. It’s taken me a long time to get to the point of not automatically saying “kick 'em to the curb” if an affair is discovered. I didn’t want to offer the offender forgiveness because I felt an offense like this was intolerable. But if Christ can forgive this and He hung on a cross who am I to say I won’t forgive if I am truly trying to follow Him? (and I don’t use forgiveness as meaning someone has to be a doormat).
When someone decides to leave a marriage they have to know they have done EVERYTHING possible to try to give their marriage a chance so that later they can be at peace about such a monumental decision especially when children are involved. The only person who knows if they have done everything possible is that person. No one here can tell the OP when she should get out of her marriage.
I know alot of people on CAF are divorced and some remarried and this can be a very sensitive area. I don’t want to come across as insensitive. I was 7 months pregnant and very close to divorce myself two years ago. I know how it feels to be in the trenches. And I know I could be back to that point at anytime.

In my post from 4/19 I was trying to make the point that when an affair involves emotions as well as the sexual nature of it, it takes on a life of it’s own and to say to the spouse of someone who has committed adultery that to expect there be absolutely no more communication btw. the two affair partners is really unreasonable. There is a goodbye period to most affairs that should be short. That is what I think her therapist was telling her. As hard as it sounds, that is the reality. Who, in their right mind, wants to hear that???
I’ll say this again. Of course there should be no more contact btw the two adulterers. But if they work together or are neighbors, would you recommend separation if they see each other (not a continuation of the affair) before a new job or new house is found?
Click to expand...
I know where you are coming from. I agree to not ‘kick someone to the curb,’ as our society suggests the minute something goes wrong in a marriage. No, truly I am with you there. I just think that at this point, the ties need to be severed. Love has been giving and loving, and patient. It’s time for him to step up to the plate…and be the husband she thought she married, frankly.

If they work together (do they, Love?) then, he really should look for work elsewhere…seriously. Not up and quit, but he needs to find another place to work. I would, wouldn’t you? If I were him, and my wife were taking me back…giving me this beloved second chance, then I would do my very best to put her mind at ease that I was done with this other woman. But, that’s just my thoughts.
 
whatevergirl said:
If they work together (do they, Love?) then, he really should look for work elsewhere…seriously. Not up and quit, but he needs to find another place to work. I would, wouldn’t you? If I were him, and my wife were taking me back…giving me this beloved second chance, then I would do my very best to put her mind at ease that I was done with this other woman. But, that’s just my thoughts.
Click to expand...
No they don’t work together we just live in the same area of town. We pass her house every morning… ooouch! I wish I really knew if he was done with that relationship.

Not sure exactly what I’m expecting from our couseling session this Sunday…but I really hope we can get alot of things out in the open. I try to talk to my husband and I do tell him exactly what I’m feeling, I don’t get the same response unless I upset him enough to open up. I want my husband to understand that this is it…is it wrong to think that any day my husband will come up with an excuse not to go. I wait for it everyday. I pray for our counselor, may the Lord speak thru him.
 
Love31 said:
No they don’t work together we just live in the same area of town. We pass her house every morning… ooouch! I wish I really knew if he was done with that relationship.

Not sure exactly what I’m expecting from our couseling session this Sunday…but I really hope we can get alot of things out in the open. I try to talk to my husband and I do tell him exactly what I’m feeling, I don’t get the same response unless I upset him enough to open up. I want my husband to understand that this is it…is it wrong to think that any day my husband will come up with an excuse not to go. I wait for it everyday. I pray for our counselor, may the Lord speak thru him.
Click to expand...
It’s very hard to tell you the right or wrong thing to do…at this stage, it will take some time to see if he is willing to change. What made him leave you, and go with another woman…you will probably soon find out, had very little to do with you/the marriage. I think he needs counseling on his own, with you not in the room, too. Sometimes, it is hard for someone who has problems to open up to the person he/she hurt. I would suggest that too…it could be that he is apprehensive in sharing everything he is thinking in front of you…such as details of this woman. That might be painful to hear, and not necessary to the healing of your marriage. But, my husband and I were separated about 7 years ago, for 2 years, and my reason for thinking I wanted a divorce, actually had nothing to do with him. It had to do with my childhood, and my fear of commitment…so, you will be surprised that perhaps, you have nothing to do with his leaving. That’s what you need to get to though…otherwise, he’ll leave again…he needs to get to the bottom of that.

If he doesn’t want to, you cannot be expected to live wondering if he is sneaking around…that’s no way to live, Love. God will tell you the right thing…keep your ear close to His mouth. God bless you–you are earning your wings in heaven!
 
whatevergirl said:
It’s very hard to tell you the right or wrong thing to do…at this stage, it will take some time to see if he is willing to change. What made him leave you, and go with another woman…you will probably soon find out, had very little to do with you/the marriage. I think he needs counseling on his own, with you not in the room, too. Sometimes, it is hard for someone who has problems to open up to the person he/she hurt. I would suggest that too…it could be that he is apprehensive in sharing everything he is thinking in front of you…such as details of this woman. That might be painful to hear, and not necessary to the healing of your marriage. But, my husband and I were separated about 7 years ago, for 2 years, and my reason for thinking I wanted a divorce, actually had nothing to do with him. It had to do with my childhood, and my fear of commitment…so, you will be surprised that perhaps, you have nothing to do with his leaving. That’s what you need to get to though…otherwise, he’ll leave again…he needs to get to the bottom of that.

If he doesn’t want to, you cannot be expected to live wondering if he is sneaking around…that’s no way to live, Love. God will tell you the right thing…keep your ear close to His mouth. God bless you–you are earning your wings in heaven!
Click to expand...
I know your right he tells me that there are things he can’t tell me that he’s afraid it will make things worse. Why do I want to know?..I don’t know I guess because I want to hear that he told her to hit the road. I know we both have issues that each of us need to work out. I have done this I have faced my problem and really think I have overcome it. I have a therapist that I talk to and my family. I had a problem expressing my feelings good or bad. If he mad me mad I was mad and never told him or told him why. I kept all my emotions in a box. I wasn’t as affectionate as he wanted me to be with him. I thought I was affectionate but I guess not enough. I wasn’t raised in a family were we showed alot of emotion we knew we loved each other and that was that…no need to tell each other. WRONG!!! I later… after realizing that emotions are and extrreamly important part of life/marriage. I talk to my Mom and asked her about this emotion stuff. She broke down crying telling me that her and my dad had the same emotion problem that she needed to learn how to express herself. They almost got divorced!!! WHAT… MY PARENTS HAD PROBLEMS!!! I told my mom I needed to know this I told her it was an important part of life that we all needed to know. She has now talked to my two younger sisters about this and so have I. My husband on the other hand doesn’t think that he needs to talk to a therapist. I know he has issues he needs to deal with way before the affair and the drugs. He lost his dad 3 months after we got married. His parents were separeated when he was 5 and he lived a very sad life. Sometimes not having hot water, very little food and sibilings that would fight with each other and with thier mom (fist fights). He left home at 13 to live with an other sister. Things in their family didn’t start to change for the better until his mom found God. I know that this will be hard for him to talk about he may not even mention this. He thinks that no one needs to know his business. I do hope that this counselor will talk to him alone. I feel that it will really help him to talk to someone that doesn’t know him that is willing to sit and listen to what he has to say and maybe even relate because they are both men. I wonder if I can suggest that he talk to him alone first and then bring me in after. Not sure how marriage counseling sessions work…
 
Sunday was a flop…we never made it to marriage counseling. We ended up fighting just as we were getting there. Almost as if he planned it. He said for me to call and reschedule it for next weekend so I tried but the counselor was upset that we did that and said no that when ever he was ready to make a commitment to it that he needed to call him and make the appointment himself. I don’t blame the man I’m sure this is not the first time he’s heard my story. So since sunday I have been very unsure of things. I prayed and ask God to please show me what I needed to do. Monday I went home to pack my things I just didn’t feel that things were every going to change. He managed once again to change my mind. Tuesday I decided to go to another doctor to get tested for STDs and this doctor did things different she explained everything and did multiple test and blood work where the other doctor did not. Not sure what the other doctor even checked for. Anyway I was on my way home and I decided to go by her house just to see and guess who I found there…yes my husband. I have had it I told him to get his stuff and leave us alone. I’m so hurt and angry. But I do give thanks to God for opening my eyes. I feel less stress but my heart hurts. Be with us Lord…
 
Love31 said:
Sunday was a flop…we never made it to marriage counseling. We ended up fighting just as we were getting there. Almost as if he planned it. He said for me to call and reschedule it for next weekend so I tried but the counselor was upset that we did that and said no that when ever he was ready to make a commitment to it that he needed to call him and make the appointment himself. I don’t blame the man I’m sure this is not the first time he’s heard my story. So since sunday I have been very unsure of things. I prayed and ask God to please show me what I needed to do. Monday I went home to pack my things I just didn’t feel that things were every going to change. He managed once again to change my mind. Tuesday I decided to go to another doctor to get tested for STDs and this doctor did things different she explained everything and did multiple test and blood work where the other doctor did not. Not sure what the other doctor even checked for. Anyway I was on my way home and I decided to go by her house just to see and guess who I found there…yes my husband. I have had it I told him to get his stuff and leave us alone. I’m so hurt and angry. But I do give thanks to God for opening my eyes. I feel less stress but my heart hurts. Be with us Lord…
Click to expand...
praying for you…
 
It does sound like your prayers have been answered in a way. At least now you have been freed from not knowing which way to turn with this. I am really sorry that you have to go through this. I know how painful the end of a marriage can be, even when it ultimately is for the best.
 
Love31 said:
Sunday was a flop…we never made it to marriage counseling. We ended up fighting just as we were getting there. Almost as if he planned it. He said for me to call and reschedule it for next weekend so I tried but the counselor was upset that we did that and said no that when ever he was ready to make a commitment to it that he needed to call him and make the appointment himself. I don’t blame the man I’m sure this is not the first time he’s heard my story. So since sunday I have been very unsure of things. I prayed and ask God to please show me what I needed to do. Monday I went home to pack my things I just didn’t feel that things were every going to change. He managed once again to change my mind. Tuesday I decided to go to another doctor to get tested for STDs and this doctor did things different she explained everything and did multiple test and blood work where the other doctor did not. Not sure what the other doctor even checked for. Anyway I was on my way home and I decided to go by her house just to see and guess who I found there…yes my husband. I have had it I told him to get his stuff and leave us alone. I’m so hurt and angry. But I do give thanks to God for opening my eyes. I feel less stress but my heart hurts. Be with us Lord…
Click to expand...
Hi Love;

Wow…I’m sorry. I was hopeful he might be willing to make a change, but apparently not. Not now, anyways. That’s the problem with situations like this. Someday…maybe 20 years from now, who knows, he will realize all he lost. The ‘other woman’ will be long gone…you will be long gone, and he will be alone. But, what can you do. I pray that you will remain strong. Think God answered your prayers…and it’s time to move on.

You will hurt, but in time, Christ will help you heal.

Blessings,
sharon
 
Love31, I really think that you can do no more. You have already endured much more than I know I could with this kind of thing. He obviously sabotaged the counselling session as he knew what he would be told and did not want to be honest and admit he was still seeing her. He does not want to give her up. If he really wanted his marriage, he would not keep hurting you like this. He wants his finger in both pies.
What you need is some distance and space. No contact for awhile. Things will become much clearer for you. God will look after you and I will pray for you when I go to Adoration tomorrow night. Stay strong and God bless you.
 
I am sorry that things turned out this way. You have given this marriage your everything. It is time to just let go and move on with your life. There is just so much that you can give of yourself and no more. This is not your fault you tried as best as you could to work things out.

Don’t think that you have failed because you did not. Your husband needs to sort himself out. Give him that space to do so. You cannot force somebody to do something that they do not want to do. All you can do now is pray for him and pray for that women. It is out of your hands now. I know that it hurts so bad and you are going through so many feelings and emotions right now. But it does get better with time.

But there is something that I want you to think about but not right now is that your husband is going to want to come back home. He might think that it is rosy on nice on the other side but he is sadly mistaken. It is fun and exciting when you are cheating because nobody knows but it is another thing when it gets out in the open because the fun soon wears off. The things you thought you had in common you actually don’t the things that brought you together is no longer there. And you do not base your happiness on somebody else’s unhappiness, tears, pain and suffering. What gaurantees do you have that this will not happen to you.

I am not cursing anybody or wishing any badness on anybody. Take my situation for example. How does my ex who cheated on me and left me for his young mistress. What gaurantees does she have that he will not beat her up like he did me, that he will not leave her 5 or 10 years down the line for somebody younger. What gaurantees does he have that she will not cheat on him one day and leave him for somebody her own age. Never base your happiness on somebody elses tears and pain. The same thing can happen to you very easily one day.

I always say things happen for a reason. We do not know at the time why but there is always a reason. Maybe God has another plan for you. I know that you are hurting right now and feel as if your whole world is coming apart at the seams. But you have been strong all this time and you will get through this.

If I can make it and other women can do it so can you. Hang in there that light on the end of the tunnel is shinning for you.
 
I got this via email today and it really gave me a boost maybe there is somebody here who needed this today…

May 3, 2007

ALL Your Heart
By Melissa Taylor

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5 (NIV)

Devotion:

I was feeling unsettled. Anxiety and panic had returned. Why? I thought I conquered those feelings a few years ago. My life right now is great…on the outside.

Recently, I had lost 25 pounds. I deserved it, too. My workouts and commitment to healthy living have come first. My husband and I are carving out time to date again. My kids, too, are a blessing, and I have amazing friendships. My job is working out better than ever now that I’m able to work from home. So Lord, what’s up? The outside of my life is close to perfect. What’s wrong with the inside?

Even though it appeared as if I had it all together, inside I was slipping back into my old thought patterns. Outside, I was in a smaller dress size, but inside I was comparing myself to others and falling short. Outside, my marriage, kids, friendships, and job looked really good, but inside I was struggling with handling a balanced life. Outside, my life was one desired by others, but if people really knew…I was told my daughter is not up to par academically; my 9- year old son has disabilities that require extra time and devotion from me; my husband is having trouble sleeping; I’ve missed my past two writing deadlines;, my house is a mess; and my family has to pull clean clothes out of the laundry basket because I haven’t had time to fold them! What is wrong with me?

While driving to a speaking engagement about two hours from my home, the panic inside me rose to an all time high. I began crying to God. Help me. I need You. Please show me what’s wrong with me. And He did. I began recalling verses from the Bible that were special to me, the first being Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart….” Oh my, I thought. I realized that I hadn’t trusted Him with ALL my heart, just part of it. I’d been relying on me mostly. There’s no security in that.

The next verse that came to mind was Jeremiah 29:13, “You will seek and me and find me when you seek me with ALL your heart.” There was that ALL word again. I had not been seeking Him with ALL my heart; in fact, I hadn’t really been seeking Him at ALL. The verses kept coming on that drive to Jamestown. And with these truths, these treasures from God’s Word, panic left and peace returned.

That’s what God’s Word does. It restores peace and mends a wounded heart. It’s easy to see how panic, self-doubt, and insecurity had set in. How could they not? I’d been relying on my own strength.

Talking to the Lord and confessing my lack of trust was like a release for me. The weight had lifted; I could breathe again. I turned my fears over to the only One who could take care of them. I committed to a change that day and a schedule-overhaul that consisted of putting my time with God first, so nothing else would interfere.

Friends, God has so much to speak into our lives. But if we don’t take the time to step away from the busyness of our day and spend time alone with Him, we will not hear it. Even though my outer achievements are blessings in my life, they can never bring me peace and fulfillment. Only God and His Word can do that.

Dear Lord, You are the only one who can restore peace to my busy life. Help me to organize my days according to Your priorities and to keep my eyes focused on You and Your Word. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Application Steps:

Take the time to examine your priorities. Are you approaching life from God’s perspective? Write your life priorities down on a piece of paper and compare them to the way God would want to order them. Make changes if needed and trust Him with ALL your heart.

Reflections:

Do you trust God with ALL your heart?

What change could you make today to bring more peace and balance to your life?

Power Verses:

Jeremiah 29:13, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” (NIV)

Philippians 4:6-7, “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (NLT)

Joshua 1:9, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (NIV)
 
My husband txt me and said that he is moving in with her and for me to take good care of our little girl. Not sure what to say but the pain is absolutly killing me. please pray for my sins, his sins and hers. Pray that I will be able to handle this pain. Lord please take it from me…😦
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top