Christmas lists where you're TOLD what you can/cannot ask for?

[leonie]

here’s a program with Dr. Ray and Dr. Mast talking about extravagant gift giving and receiving.

catholic.com/radio/event.php?calendar=1&category=&event=2831&date=2003-12-25

 

[mamacita]

Just to comment on the bit I bolded, children should always be taught respect for the their grandparents (same as for their parents) BUT** in cases where grandparents, for whatever reason, do things very different from your family or act strangely it is helpful, **especially for older children if parents do acknowledge these strange behaviours that the grandparents indulge in.

Telling them they can ask granny for gift vouchers, etc, but warning them that granny may not give them because she believes in giving actual gifts will help them to accept that is granny’s way. Children hear and sense far more than we give them credit for and it is better to explain the situation to them than that they hear bits and get an incorrect understanding of the matter.

**
Thank you, Vivienne for stating this point. So I guess the above poster would like me to ‘lie’ to my kids about what gma says she won’t get them??? Really? I seem to think that Christmas is about giving, NOT receiving. What gma is doing every year (yes, she is being giving, I’ll give her that) but she is big time teaching that getting the ‘gimmees’ is OK, and we (DH and I) do NOT agree w/ that. We believe in teaching our kids to give, every year they pick an ‘ornament’ off the tree at church (we all do this) and save up money all thru Advent to go purchase something for that person. I don’t think we can ever do TOO much to show them the spirit of giving. But gma is putting ‘rules’ on this like crazy and it’s getting out of hand. Also, my oldest DS picks up on stuff that she does/ says, esp. the perverted jokes that are better left unsaid in my home… I really do not appreciate that. So should I let my son think that her dirty jokes are ok too??

One sister in law said “I’m not letting her get my kids toys this year. We’ve pitched/donated so much AND still have a toy room full.” So good to know that she is in agreement w/ me. You all have to remember that this amount of toys has been ongoing for years, and it’s just out of control for her to do this. I told her yesterday “my kids are spoiled enuf, they can get one toy each.” She replied w/ “Nah, they’re not spoiled.” She grew up poor, she’s told us that. I think she’s living vicariously thru her grandkids, I really do.

In fact, I forgot to mention this in the original post. Last Christmas she wanted to buy DD HSM sheets for her bed. I said ‘no because they weren’t very good thread count and were that ‘itchy’ material.’ So this year I ASK for some good sheets and I’m told no’?? What’s up w/ that? It was ok when SHE wanted to buy them but now that I"m asking for them it’s wrong? To give you a little more insight into all of this, DH and I were talking and both agreed that if her other DS asked for these items she would not be causing a fuss but since it’s us and we do everything opposite in our lives of how she did her life, we are ‘in the wrong.’

In addition to the Gameboy that we have, my kids also (courtesy of her) each have a handheld Pixter, they each have a Vtech Vsmile, a Wii (we did buy that one years ago for them as a gift), a Playstation 2, and a VSmile Tv console set. They have a ping pong table, air hockey table (regulation size), a big electronic basketball hoop that keeps score in the basement, etc. I cannot possibly fathom adding to the monstrous amount we have (esp. toys for the 2 yr old category). They each have plasma cars, bikes, pedal cars, etc. Another thing that is being forgotten is that my mom likes to get them something as well. She only spends a small amount (which we are FINE w/ that) so it’s usually one thing for the family, like last year it was Hyperdash, and guess what? That’s all they got from her and they still play w/ it to this day. My mom has said in the past, “I have no clue what to get your kids because your MIL will always out do me regardless.” Which she’s right, that’s what MIL likes to do. Not to mention that Santa comes to our house and brings something little for them as well. And then their Papa too brings something. It’s just too much for MIL to expect us to ask for $150 worth of toys for EACH child, that’s just absurd.

I’m not wanting ‘money’ from her, the whole deal here is that she ASKED what we needed/wanted and then shoots down my ideas. So frustrating as a parent.**

 

[pnewton]

What a strange and unique problem. When you listed the material toys you have amassed I think it sunk in what a problem this has become. Yes, donating tons of stuff would be a fine solution. As to her calling and wanting a list, I would tell her just to hold on a minute, then pass the phone to one of the children and cut myself out of the loop.

Donation spots might include day cares or youth centers, along with the standard charities.

 

[leonie]

It’s obvious she’s not going to change, so how about suggesting Catholic books, games and toys.

catholicchild.com/

 

[rayne89]

I never said lie to your children anywhere in my post. I was talking about bad mouthing their grandmother and basically teaching your children its ok to tell people if they give you something you don’t ask for your or need your giving it to someone else -that is bad manners. In fact if you read my response to VivienneJ would have seen I agreed explaining the situation was fine.

You obviously have a lot of (very justified) anger toward this woman for more than just Christmas presents which may be why your perspective is clouded on how your behavior is showing your children on how to treat people you don’t like.

 

[mamacita]

here’s a program with Dr. Ray and Dr. Mast talking about extravagant gift giving and receiving.

catholic.com/radio/event.php?calendar=1&category=&event=2831&date=2003-12-25

**Leonie, thanks for sharing that. I think my husband was referring to this yesterday in his message to her (my DH LOVES Dr. Ray).

Also, to the poster (sorry, can’t recall which one it was) that said that men marry controlling wives like their mother was/is. I take offense to that actually because I am not in control of my husband. However, we are a family unit of our own and we do make the decisions for our family TOGETHER. It has nothing to do w/ being controlling. This woman tries to control everyone and everything that comes near her, I’m not exaggerating that at all (sadly).
My DH was married before he met me, that wife was the controlling one that was like his mother… sister in laws have even told me that I was a breath of fresh air when I came along.

On a side note, her and I do butt heads because she thinks we should be contracepting and not have more children. She’s also pro-gay marriage, and many other things that I will not go into on here. She watches inappropriate tv shows when we go to visit and I have to take my kids out of the room (think CSI, the evening news, etc)… she tells lots of dirty jokes (one time she was talking about her sex life to my sis in law and my sis in law was pretty ticked about that one).

Another instance of her controlling us was our wedding. We wanted the priest who was doing our marriage prep to marry us since he knew us from prepping us for marriage. She said she would not come to our wedding unless her brother could do the wedding. Her brother married my husband the first time around so I was a little hurt by that thinking that it would bring back memories of him walking down the aisle the first time since it was the same priest standing before us. He didn’t do our marriage prep, he knew nothing about me at all. It was just another time of her telling us how things will be. We were told 2 years ago that if we weren’t there on Christmas at ‘x’ time that we wouldn’t get any gifts, yes, she did say that to us. We were told when DS was baptized (her brother didn’t live in our state at this time) that if her brother wasn’t invited to do it, she’d not come. Well we stuck to our guns and had the parish priest do it because to us, a baby should be baptized asap, not according to her schedule of when he (her brother) can fly in etc. So that baptism was chaos because she pouted like a baby and even said some rude stuff behind our backs to my MOM (who of course told me). Well funny because her one DS (the favorite), just had a baby in July. They are choosing not to have the baby baptized at all (he’s a fallen away Catholic) but do you think she’s giving him a ton of **** for not having her brother baptize the baby or for not baptizing it at all?? Nope!! She said that she won’t ‘discuss it because it will make him not come around’.
But for some reason it’s OK for her to push us around:???

Just hoping to shed some light on the controlling issue that is at stake here.******

 

[mamacita]

I really like your idea, but I’ve seen this (speaking about the hey, let’s give it to charity) where parents have said it this way - the whay don’t WE give it to… - what if the kids don’t agree about giving them away? Do you then say well too bad insert kids name - it’s going there anyway? This MIGHT work with some older kids but I know a lot of kids that it wouldn’t work with. I have no problem with giving to charities - I mean if we’re talking about the gift that was the 3 identical dolls well then, o.k. (you could even consider regifting those - I know that our god children nephews and neices have more b-day parties than you can imagine-ormaybe you can) - but I don’t know of many that would truely, willingly give up their brand new Christmas gifts. I was just curious - I know there are kids that probably would, but they are NOT the kids in my family. If it’s an identical gift then, yes, perhaps but something else brand new?

God Bless
Rye

**Rye,
I had told DH your idea of selling some of the stuff on ebay. He made that same point. He said, "you really think that after opening all this stuff that they are going to say “ok, let’s go give it away.” No, they probably won’t (well, oldest DS would because he really wants to have a family vaca, guess we did something right, lol). So then that leaves us w/ monstrous amounts of toys once again that we, the parents, have to pry away and sell or something and look like the bad guys because gma went against our wishes. I mean think about it, $150 times 4 kids, that’s a heck of a lot of junk!
We are trying to raise our kids to know that things (toys) are not what make people happy, family time is the TRUE happiness. I mean look at the people whose kids have very little toys, they are some of the happiest kids I know and they use their imagination to think of stuff to play. That’s how my life was growing up.
I have a feeling Dr. Ray and I are on the same page, altho I haven’t listened to the talk yet.
**

Leonie, we quit the name swap thing years ago, she was in charge of that as well. We told her we don’t need another $10 item. We’d rather go spend that money on someone who has NOTHING than on DH’s siblings who are each opening $500 worth of gifts from her already, duh.

 

[mamacita]

I never said lie to your children anywhere in my post. I was talking about bad mouthing their grandmother and basically teaching your children its ok to tell people if they give you something you don’t ask for your or need your giving it to someone else -that is bad manners. In fact if you read my response to VivienneJ would have seen I agreed explaining the situation was fine.

You obviously have a lot of (very justified) anger toward this woman for more than just Christmas presents which may be why your perspective is clouded on how your behavior is showing your children on how to treat people **you don’t like./**QUOTE]

Whoa, wait a minute! Who said ‘you don’t like’ anywhere in here??? Last time I checked this was about her monstrous Christmas list that is out of control. I never said “I don’t like her.” Would you like to point that out for me?? My kids can read gma on their own, they aren’t ‘hearing’ any of this. The only thing DS has heard was “what would you like for Christmas?” And I had to break it to him that gma won’t purchase him a gift card, that’s called honesty, I’m not going to say, ‘Ok, I’m sure gma will get right on that.’
Last time I checked I’m not speaking outloud as I type and DH and I only discussed it via instant message online or in bed at night. Geesh, nice assumption there that you’ve made. Does her bossiness annoy me and her own son?? You betcha! Esp. when she thinks she can call the shots on what my kids NEED. Last time I checked she doesn’t live w/ us and has no clue what they need.

 

[ohioszo]

When are Christmas Gifts from family ever want anyone wants. Noone thinks about hobbies anymore! Sometimes neurotic person can hit it right: My sister bought me a tool set for use with my guitar. I have no idea.

I got the idea to give precious moment dolls to the great-grandchildren (my mom is the MIL and these dolls were affordable,) but after the first one their grandmother (the DIL and PM collector) extolled another inexpensive doll that was given, which the kids evidently loved to play with. So, over time, I got out of helping the folks buy gifts for that family! My parents only give money now, and, that is what most of the “card club” oldsters say they do. (One might wonder about the peer group of your MIL and their opinions.)

Ask her to buy USA Made toys, clothes and gadgets. Anything US made, that should keep her happy.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Some people like to shop from lists, but just because someone asks (or demands) a list, doesn’t mean you have to provide it. These are her grandchildren. She can ask them what they want or get to know them well enough to discover their likes and dislikes. She can get to know your family values so as not to buy things you’ll just return, give away or throw out. She can come up with gift ideas and run them by you and your husband. She can also spend her money any way she likes.

I don’t know your MIL, but I know mine. MIL used to ask for list—and I tried to oblige, but I saved the “most wanted” gifts for Santa to give the children. I took various approaches to MIL’s list request. Besides just assembling a shopping list for her, (which was difficult as I had shopping lists of my own to figure out too…) I asked her to ask them what they wanted or buy them what she thought they might like. I also asked for non-material gifts such as grandparents taking children places and spending time with my kids alone. She followed none of my suggestion–she simply wanted a list from me and expressed great annoyance if I didn’t provide it on her time frame. Anyway, long story short, my kids’ grandma decided last year that buying gifts for her family at Christmas was too much trouble, so she’s not doing it anymore. Grandpa bought a few small things that he gave away as part of a game at Christmas. That was great. The kids appreciated the small gifts, and I’m perfectly okay with not having the expensive plastic toys that quickly break. Still…it’s a little sad that their grandma acted as if it was too much trouble to get to know her grandchildren or spend time with them…

 

[twosweetgirls]

Does her bossiness annoy me and her own son?? You betcha! Esp. when she thinks she can call the shots on what my kids NEED. Last time I checked she doesn’t live w/ us and has no clue what they need.

But see, and saying this with all gentleness, she believes she DOES call the shots! She knows you won’t say anything, she doesn’t listen to your children, and she completely ignores and negates everything your husband says!

So again, the only–and truly the ONLY–way this is going to stop is if you AND your husband tell her so and take charge of your own lives. Is it going to suck? You bet, family confrontation always does. Might she get so ticked off as to write the lot of you out of her life? Possibly. Would she try to meddle and make things even more difficult? Perhaps. It’s never fun when **** like this happens, but from your words, it’s been going on for quite some time. And the only way for this wheel to stop turning is for you and your husband to break it.

And yes, Hon, I speak from experience. ((HUGS)) again to you.

 

[Norseman82]

I agree with the poster that posted that your husband should have a talk with your MIL.

Another suggestion would be to request books or DVDs for your kids.

However, failing all that, may I offer another approach? Sometimes “difficult people” will only change their behavior when the tables are turned on them. So, ask yor MIL what SHE would like for Christmas and then start rejecting all her ideas until you tell her “I will only buy you sports equipment and pet items”. Maybe the thought of a gift-wrapped dog dish filled with hockey pucks may get through to her…

OK, maybe the dog dish was a bit extreme, but you probably got a chuckle out of it, right?

 

[mamacita]

I agree with the poster that posted that your husband should have a talk with your MIL.

Another suggestion would be to request books or DVDs for your kids.

However, failing all that, may I offer another approach? Sometimes “difficult people” will only change their behavior when the tables are turned on them. So, ask yor MIL what SHE would like for Christmas and then start rejecting all her ideas until you tell her “I will only buy you sports equipment and pet items”. Maybe the thought of a gift-wrapped dog dish filled with hockey pucks may get through to her…

OK, maybe the dog dish was a bit extreme, but you probably got a chuckle out of it, right?

**
LOL, Norsemen, that was hilarious! Actually, last year she threw a hissy fit on Christmas at her house because of this:
We bought her what she ‘requested’ we buy her (she gives us a list of what she wants). Well my sis in law decided to buy her a little something extra. It was just some kind of trinket that she thought MIL would like. Well to keep it fair, sis in law bought FIL some sweaters from a dept. store, they were on clearance the season before so she stocked up for her husband and gave some to FIL. Nothing wrong w/ that, right? Guess what MIL says? I’m not kidding this is what she said to sis in law who was just trying to be nice: “so why does _____ get some nice sweaters? I didn’t get anything like that.” My sis in law’s jaw dropped and all she said in reply is, “well they were on clearance and cost they cost the same as what I bought you”. I honestly could NOT believe that A) she would cause a fuss over her husband getting some nice sweaters (almost like she was jealous?) and B) to say something like that OUTLOUD in front of everyone??? Really guys, I was shocked by her behavior. In front of my kids no less. **

 

[mamacita]

But see, and saying this with all gentleness, she believes she DOES call the shots! She knows you won’t say anything, she doesn’t listen to your children, and she completely ignores and negates everything your husband says!

So again, the only–and truly the ONLY–way this is going to stop is if you AND your husband tell her so and take charge of your own lives. Is it going to suck? You bet, family confrontation always does. Might she get so ticked off as to write the lot of you out of her life? Possibly. Would she try to meddle and make things even more difficult? Perhaps. It’s never fun when **** like this happens, but from your words, it’s been going on for quite some time. And the only way for this wheel to stop turning is for you and your husband to break it.

And yes, Hon, I speak from experience. ((HUGS)) again to you.

**
Thanks, twosweetgirls. ((hugs)) back at you. Glad I"m not the only one. The thing is, DH has had talk, after talk, after talk w/ her (his dad is easy to talk to, he’s a very nice man) and every year we are back at square one. It’s like beating a dead horse, like something in her head isn’t ‘‘clicking.’’
It’s been so bad that we even tried to move out of state just to get away from all this drama (re: controlling our lives). Had our house sold we’d be 1500 miles away and not dealing w/ all this mess…I wish we would have kept trying. That might sound mean of me to say, but really it’s too much stress on DH and I every single holiday when she pulls this stuff and w/other occasions as well, she always has to have her say in how we do things (and yes, throws a fit if it’s not done her way) and it’s not right.**

 

[mamacita]

Some people like to shop from lists, but just because someone asks (or demands) a list, doesn’t mean you have to provide it. These are her grandchildren. She can ask them what they want or get to know them well enough to discover their likes and dislikes. She can get to know your family values so as not to buy things you’ll just return, give away or throw out. She can come up with gift ideas and run them by you and your husband. She can also spend her money any way she likes.

I don’t know your MIL, but I know mine. MIL used to ask for list—and I tried to oblige, but I saved the “most wanted” gifts for Santa to give the children. I took various approaches to MIL’s list request. Besides just assembling a shopping list for her, (which was difficult as I had shopping lists of my own to figure out too…) I asked her to ask them what they wanted or buy them what she thought they might like. I also asked for non-material gifts such as grandparents taking children places and spending time with my kids alone. She followed none of my suggestion–she simply wanted a list from me and expressed great annoyance if I didn’t provide it on her time frame. Anyway, long story short, my kids’ grandma decided last year that buying gifts for her family at Christmas was too much trouble, so she’s not doing it anymore. Grandpa bought a few small things that he gave away as part of a game at Christmas. That was great. The kids appreciated the small gifts, and I’m perfectly okay with not having the expensive plastic toys that quickly break. Still…it’s a little sad that their grandma acted as if it was too much trouble to get to know her grandchildren or spend time with them…

She was at our house 2 weeks ago for DS’s bday. She asked the kids up front herself, “so what do you want for Christmas?” The kids just kinda look at her like “um, I don’t know. I can’t think of anything.” I have toy catalogs here that they’ve looked thru but they can’t come up w/ anything. They do want a dippin dots ice cream maker and I was fine w/ that but that’s only $30 out of the total $600. I think we’re going to go w/ all Catholic stuff, we need some more Saint dvds, books, prayer books, church ‘playset’, etc. Maybe a set of Catholic encyclopedias, DS is really into reading the Catechism.
I’m fine w/ giving her a list, that’s not the issue here, the issue is her telling me what can and cannot be on that list. That’s the problem.

 

[royal_archer]

After checking with my wife to verify she isn’t the one who bosted it, except for the numbr fo kids the story sounds very familliar. My mom likes to buy junk. Actually it isn’t junk as in cheap stuff, it is expensive stuff that isn’t needed and sits around collecting dust, getting broken, and contributing to the overall mess. Mom wants the kids to have nice things but does not understand the ways the generosity back fires.

1. Kids are always getting more stuff so they don’t take care of the stuff they have.
   2 Their rooms are over filled with toys and even more difficult to keep clean.
2. Kids are getting spoiled and can no longer be incentivised to work to get new things. (new things are given to gthem regardless of if they do their chores or follow rules)
3. Kids start getting bossy and demanding gifts that they want, not what others are willing to give them. (spoiled again)
4. Overall our house is getting overloaded with stuff we don’t want, need, or have room for.

Things I have tried include:
-Asking for gifts that are ageless and work with current possessions such as lincoln logs and leggos.
-Asking for things of a sentimental value that will last a life time. When Junior goes off to college and takes a car load of prized possessions, what would they take such as one good pocket knife or pen set.
-Asking for consumable items.

I also tell the kids that they only get so many shelves of toys in the basement and if they want new toys they have to clear off shelves and send stuff to good will. I also let my parrents know that last years toys are going to good will (despite how guilty that this makes me feel)

 

[sanctareparata]

mamacita:

We were told 2 years ago that if we weren’t there on Christmas at ‘x’ time that we wouldn’t get any gifts, yes, she did say that to us.

And that, my dear, is the answer to your problem.

This year, don’t go to Christmas at her house. Seriously. Make this Christmas your FIRST FAMILY Christmas and stay the heck home!

 

[mamacita]

And that, my dear, is the answer to your problem.

This year, don’t go to Christmas at her house. Seriously. Make this Christmas your FIRST FAMILY Christmas and stay the heck home!

**
Thanks, Sancta. I’d LOVE to do just that. It’s the ‘getting DH to do it’ that’s going to be hard. I should also add that she, herself, will not travel 2 hours to see us on the holidays (she said “I don’t travel on the holidays” and she never has), our kids are expected to sit in the car to go see her tho. Not too fair to do to your young grandkids every year in my opinion.**

 

[mamacita]

After checking with my wife to verify she isn’t the one who bosted it, except for the numbr fo kids the story sounds very familliar. My mom likes to buy junk. Actually it isn’t junk as in cheap stuff, it is expensive stuff that isn’t needed and sits around collecting dust, getting broken, and contributing to the overall mess. Mom wants the kids to have nice things but does not understand the ways the generosity back fires.

1. Kids are always getting more stuff so they don’t take care of the stuff they have. Exactly!
   2 Their rooms are over filled with toys and even more difficult to keep clean. Bingo!!
2. Kids are getting spoiled and can no longer be incentivised to work to get new things. (new things are given to them regardless of if they do their chores or follow rules) ** This is my main issue, that’s why I"m so against all this ‘want, want, want’, blah, blah, blah. That’s not the meaning of Christmas in my opinion**4. Kids start getting bossy and demanding gifts that they want, not what others are willing to give them. (spoiled again) Yep.
3. Overall our house is getting overloaded with stuff we don’t want, need, or have room for. ** I look at other families that we are friends w/ who don’t have houses filled w/ all these toys (I don’t know about you, but it’s hard to get my kids to part w/ the stuff they do have, esp. since they play w/ most of it…), and I think to myself, ‘why does she do this every year?’ I’m still convinced it’s a shopping addiction/control issue. Things I have tried include:
   -Asking for gifts that are ageless and work with current possessions such as lincoln logs and leggos. Yes, DS has umpteen Legos and Lincoln Logs and Tinker Toys
   -Asking for things of a sentimental value that will last a life time. When Junior goes off to college and takes a car load of prized possessions, what would they take such as one good pocket knife or pen set. ** Pen set is a good idea!
   -Asking for consumable items. ** Give me some ideas of what you think here, food? LOL**
   I also tell the kids that they only get so many shelves of toys in the basement and if they want new toys they have to clear off shelves and send stuff to good will. I also let my parrents know that last years toys are going to good will (despite how guilty that this makes me feel)

 

[whatevergirl]

*I remember when my kids were little, toys EVERYWHERE! It was chaos. I think I have the perfect resolution to this, mamacita…why not say…oh that would be great, but could we store all the old toys of ours, at YOUR house, so we can make room for the new ones you’re buying?



Might hear dead silence for a bit. *