Christmas lists where you're TOLD what you can/cannot ask for?

[royal_archer]

-Asking for consumable items. Give me some ideas of what you think here, food? LOL

Yes, food, is there a treet that you MIL can get in her area that you can not find around you? How about concert tickets? A baloon ride? A flying lesson? Spa visits? Dress up events for girls? A day at a local ammusement park? Day at a gem mine?

For relatives that live away from us, you never know what they need or have. I like doing gift baskets of local favorites that are only available localy and are consumable like wine. That way you never have to worry about giving them something they already have. Another favorite is first aid kits since bandaids tend to dry out and you can never have too many.

 

[mamacita]

Yes, food, is there a treet that you MIL can get in her area that you can not find around you? How about concert tickets? A baloon ride? A flying lesson? Spa visits? Dress up events for girls? A day at a local ammusement park? Day at a gem mine?

For relatives that live away from us, you never know what they need or have. I like doing gift baskets of local favorites that are only available localy and are consumable like wine. That way you never have to worry about giving them something they already have. Another favorite is first aid kits since bandaids tend to dry out and you can never have too many.

**Hhmmm, treats in her area that we don’t have in ours? DS likes beef jerkey from a place near her, so there’s another idea. Kind of a funny one, but hey, it works for me (now if she gets him 100 bucks worth of it, it will be staying at HER house).

Spa visits, flying lesson, etc. would be considered ‘gift cards’ to her and she won’t give those sorts of things. We’ve tried in the past to get a pass to the zoo or something and she of course shot it down because it wasn’t a ‘tangible object’ that could take up space in our house. Altho every year she buys me a Victoria’s Secret g.c. (w/out me asking for it), makes whole lotta sense doesn’t it (her little ‘rule’, that is). And then she wonders why we keep making more babies, LOL!! **

 

[royal_archer]

**Hhmmm, treats in her area that we don’t have in ours? DS likes beef jerkey from a place near her, so there’s another idea. Kind of a funny one, but hey, it works for me (now if she gets him 100 bucks worth of it, it will be staying at HER house).

Spa visits, flying lesson, etc. would be considered ‘gift cards’ to her and she won’t give those sorts of things. We’ve tried in the past to get a pass to the zoo or something and she of course shot it down because it wasn’t a ‘tangible object’ that could take up space in our house. Altho every year she buys me a Victoria’s Secret g.c. (w/out me asking for it), makes whole lotta sense doesn’t it (her little ‘rule’, that is). And then she wonders why we keep making more babies, LOL!! **

when I was young I used to like getting those hickory farms snack packages (still do but knowing the cost takes some of the pleasure out of it).

We have been able to convince my parrents to do the mini trips since it is a way for them to spend time with the kids and enjoy seeing them recieving the bennefit but they still seem to measure christmas in terms of do they bring a full car load of gifts with them.

 

[monicatholic]

Thanks, Sancta. I’d LOVE to do just that. It’s the ‘getting DH to do it’ that’s going to be hard. I should also add that she, herself, will not travel 2 hours to see us on the holidays (she said “I don’t travel on the holidays” and she never has), our kids are expected to sit in the car to go see her tho. Not too fair to do to your young grandkids every year in my opinion.

mamacita,
your mother in law isn’t the problem but your husband’s inconsistency is. and it appears you won’t have much luck changing him.

at the end of the day, you’ve got 2 choices:

lay down the law. make it clear. make it stick. make it real. stay home. offer to see them some other day than Christmas (before, after, whatever-- but she’ll probably reject the whole thing)

OR

make this consistent sacrifice the core of your personal mortifications. offer it up for the reparation of sins and the poor souls in purgatory. there will be lots of happy grateful souls praying for you if you do.

and pray for your husband and your sons’ future wives.

 

[mamacita]

mamacita,
your mother in law isn’t the problem but your husband’s inconsistency is. and it appears you won’t have much luck changing him.

at the end of the day, you’ve got 2 choices:

lay down the law. make it clear. make it stick. make it real. stay home. offer to see them some other day than Christmas (before, after, whatever-- but she’ll probably reject the whole thing)

OR

make this consistent sacrifice the core of your personal mortifications. offer it up for the reparation of sins and the poor souls in purgatory. there will be lots of happy grateful souls praying for you if you do.

and pray for your husband and your sons’ future wives.

**
I pray for her everyday that she will lighten up a bit, she’s a very stern, tough talking woman to everyone I know. Just very harsh. My husband has stood up to her (but of course then gave in to her after an exchange of some words), that was 2 years ago when we were told if we weren’t there by ‘x’ time, blah, blah, blah. This year we aren’t going on Christmas or Christmas eve (funny thing about that is she changed when she wants us there this year because she wants her brother there as well and he can’t be there til the 26th, so when it was an inconvenience to us to be there on Christmas it didn’t matter to her BUT now that her own brother can’t be there until the 26th, she’ll move her celebration to the 26th go figure), it is the 26th she wants us there, 9am sharp…so basically she expects us to get up at 6:30 am the morning after being up late w/ the kids and to hop in the car to drive 2 hours to spend the day w/ her. Since we are the ones traveling w/ 4 kids (and one on the way) wouldn’t you think she’d be ASKING us “what time do you guys think you could make it here?”. Also, her other son lives 2 minutes (literally) down the street from her and her other son will be spending the night there the night before…so that leaves just us that are once again being inconvenienced bright and early in the a.m. cold w/ 4 kids to pack up.

I pray my sons become priests, we could use more good, solid Catholic priests in this world. (oldest son seems a little bit interested ) Altho if my sons do marry, I won’t be the pushy MIL that this lady is. My mom isn’t like this, neither was her MIL, nor is my mom’s mom like this. This is honestly the only lady I’ve ever met that thinks that holidays should be her way or the highway in regards to gifts, time, etc. She makes the holidays downright miserable for us.
I think we should heed Sancta’s advice for once. **

 

[gardenswithkids]

I pray for her everyday that she will lighten up a bit, she’s a very stern, tough talking woman to everyone I know. Just very harsh. My husband has stood up to her (but of course then gave in to her after an exchange of some words), that was 2 years ago when we were told if we weren’t there by ‘x’ time, blah, blah, blah.** …**

I was up early this morning thinking about your previous posts. Until I saw this latest post, I was going to offer to solve your problems by trading MIL’s with you.
I came up with a long list of “consumable” Christmas gifts I’d ask for my children if my MIL wanted to spend $200 per child. One friend’s MIL bought her grandson piano lessons–I thought that was a great idea. (He had musical talent but the parents couldn’t afford lessons.) I’d put music, art & dance classes or golf and tennis lessons with accompanying equiptment on my kids’ Christmas list. Sports equiptment would be on my list too. Things like a good baseball glove, new football gear or soccer spikes can easily run over $100. (Also they have fairly strong re-sale value once the kids outgrow them.) I’d put expensive beauty supplies on my own request list and on my teenager’s lists–the make-up and facial products that are best for my family’s skin are also expensive. I also have a long wish list of books and educational material. I might also put an item like an upgraded computer or computer screen on the list as a family item, then request age appropriate educational computer games based on each child’s likes & needs. Nice winter coats, hats & gloves that match might also be on my list. (Quality children’s clothing from stores like Land’s End, Hanna Andersson or Gymboree, especially in matching sets has high re-sale value, even used. You could sell them on e-bay or at consignment stores once the child outgrows them.) Furniture & nice new bedding & curtains might make the list as a child outgrows his room decor or as bedding wears out. With my passion for gardening, I could easily come up with $200 of plants and landscaping materials. And our dishwasher’s old and has been making funny sounds…If your MIL still didn’t like those ideas, I consider special collector’s items and toys with high re-sale value so that once your children no longer want or play with them items, your family could afford the other things you wanted that your MIL wouldn’t buy.

As I finish this post, I might still consider offering to switch MIL’s with you. What time did you say she wants us at her house on the 26th?

 

[anna1978]

OP: I haven’t had time to read all of this but, why don’t you accept all the gifts, keep them in their packaging and sell them on Ebay or something! This is a ‘control’ thing for her, DON’T play the game!

 

[mamacita]

OP: I haven’t had time to read all of this but, why don’t you accept all the gifts, keep them in their packaging and sell them on Ebay or something! This is a ‘control’ thing for her, DON’T play the game!

**
I would love to do just that, Anna. So would DH. Only problem is is that once a kid opens stuff that we don’t need, but gma saw and thought ‘they’d just had to have it’ kinda toys, then I have to play the ‘mean mom’ and say, "nope, don’t open this, or that, or that.’’ Know what I’m saying?? Thanks for the idea, as I would do it in a heartbeat (and maybe, just maybe, I can convince the kids that they don’t need two thousand and 10 toys to be happy). That would also mean money for a little family getaway too (which we all know everyone could use one of those). I"m fine w/them getting a toy or two, it’s the whole problem of she wants to get them ALL toys (she said that on Friday because that’s ‘what makes Christmas fun for them’. Come on, seriously what makes Christmas fun is being w/ family, eating good food/cookies, and celebrating JESUS’ bday!). The whole issue is she just wants to buy toys, toys, toys ($600 worth!) and then Santa of course has to bring some toys. My mom doesn’t spend much which is nice and we can ask her for anything, such as a family pass to the science center, zoo, or Children’s museum, etc. MIL won’t buy those kinds of things.

Gardens, I love your idea of music lessons, I really would like for the kids to take some music lessons of some kind…however that would mean it’s not a ‘toy’ and it would be the form of cash or a gift certificate, SHE will not do gift cards, even for things like that…it’s truly insane how she plays the way she does to us.

Basically, she has the secular view of Christmas in her head of toys, toys, toys. That’s what it comes down to. I’m going to try the food ideas, altho it might sound coo koo, but hey, at least we can eat it and it’s not toys! lol. **

 

[anna1978]

Perhaps say to the children ‘WE’ll open one or two while grandma’ is there? Then you COULD get ‘rid’ of the surplus…we’ve done that a few times when the girls were little (but it was easier, as they came my post!)

 

[mamacita]

Perhaps say to the children ‘WE’ll open one or two while grandma’ is there? Then you COULD get ‘rid’ of the surplus…we’ve done that a few times when the girls were little (but it was easier, as they came my post!)

OH, so you mean gma came to you guys instead of what we have to deal w/?? That would be a dream come true in and of itself, I would LOVE (as would DH) to host a holiday at our house (I love to cook, set up for parties, etc) but she won’t travel. By the way, for those wondering, this lady is not old, she’s only in her mid 50’s (and so is FIL), so it’s not like she’s incapable of driving here or something.

 

[sanctareparata]

it is the 26th she wants us there, 9am sharp…so basically she expects us to get up at 6:30 am the morning after being up late w/ the kids and to hop in the car to drive 2 hours to spend the day w/ her. Since we are the ones traveling w/ 4 kids (and one on the way) wouldn’t you think she’d be ASKING us “what time do you guys think you could make it here?”. Also, her other son lives 2 minutes (literally) down the street from her and her other son will be spending the night there the night before…so that leaves just us that are once again being inconvenienced bright and early in the a.m. cold w/ 4 kids to pack up.

No, it doesn’t mean anything other than that’s what SHE wants. Who says you have to go, or even show up at that time? Tell her you have plans to sleep in and will be there sometime before lunch/dinner.

If she says “No Gifts, then,” respond with a quick, “Oh, that’s fine. We come to see the family, not to get things!”

I’m sorry. I think this is absolutely ridiculous. So YOUR Christmas is going to be ruined and stressed because you will feel the need to get your over-excited kids in bed earlier than they’d normally be in bed at Christmas, in order to travel well or be grumpy all day at Grandma’s, all because she is demanding you be at her house at such-and-such a time? She’s essentially *punishing *you because you live too far away. If you lived closer where she wanted you to live, then you’d be there for sure at 9AM, but you’re two hours away and she still has no leeway.

I’m going to be blunt, so excuse me. You have been doing this catering to MIL far too long. You know how she manipulates you, but you don’t DO anything about it. If you don’t have any plans of changing things, then I don’t really feel sorry for you. I just don’t. People who want things to change find a way to make that change happen, EVEN IF it means not going to Christmas at her house anymore, and you can do that - because like you said, you are your own family now and have every right to enjoy your holiday together apart from “distant relatives”.

I think we should heed Sancta’s advice for once.

 

[sanctareparata]

**
Thanks, Sancta. I’d LOVE to do just that. It’s the ‘getting DH to do it’ that’s going to be hard. I should also add that she, herself, will not travel 2 hours to see us on the holidays (she said “I don’t travel on the holidays” and she never has), our kids are expected to sit in the car to go see her tho. Not too fair to do to your young grandkids every year in my opinion.**

Again, turn it back on her. Maybe next year invite her to your house for Christmas. If she says, “No, I don’t travel on the holidays,” just matter of factly state: “Yeah, I understand. We don’t either, anymore. Too bad we won’t be able to get together, but we’ll try to see you in a month or two!”

 

[ohioszo]

The day after Christmas, take all of the toys and give them to the nearest St. Vincent de Paul Society Store. Your children, who possibly cannot part with the toys, need to be firmly guided in this.

I aked about a peer group, which could turn into an intervention between them and your MIL for your sakes. It depends on how close knit your MILs friendships are.

Hobbies are expensive. I’ve been told that dancing costumes, instruments, artist materials, sewing supplies, yarn, biking of various kinds and other sports … all have expensive materials and equipment and are play and fun. This kind of advice is only because there may have been a built up of rhetoric in your relationship that would inhibit wisdom.

An analogy is when my neighbor would call the police on me a number of times. I felt as if I did nothing to aggravate her, or for her to concoct stories that were untrue. The police said that they did not want the situation to grow worse. Things are quite the opposite now, if not friendly, certainly no more calls to the police for imaginary problems. One piece of advice from the cop was *not *to bag the ferile cats manure that lay around our yard and then put it by her garage … cats she was feeding and allowing inside her home, etc., to reproduce … *but *to just toss the manure freely into her yard. It was awful, I think, to do that … but, the plastic bag was worse for her: She had thought that is was human feces. The other calls were things like, she killed my dog, or my husband is in her basement with a bunch of women, etc. Everyone probably knows someone, but, the excuse is polio as a child. You’ve let off some steam, now use your noggin. You can’t change your MIL, espec. if it is a psychological condition. … How do I know that things have changed for the better? Well, the neighbor made a donation to the alzheimer’s group I was collecting for, she also left a newish housecoat for us on our doorstep and even threw it back to us when I attempted to return it to her. Her husband suffers worse, as he often begs to be let into the house, when he is locked out, with sweet talk through an upstairs window. :>))

 

[Rose5]

When you finally decide that the two of you have had enough, and y’all stop catering to his mom. People can only control you if you let them. It’s hard, I know (trust me, I know…), but ultimately, it comes down to choices. You choose what you will tolerate from a controlling person.

For example, if the discussion starts getting uncomfortable, then a simple, “I am feeling disrespected. If it continues, I will end the conversation,” will work, but you actually have to follow through and end the discussion if she persists. Don’t engage her in an argument (it takes two to argue), because then she thinks she has power over you or can change your mind. Don’t give explanations (especially why you don’t want the kids to have such-and-such stuff), because then she has the opportunity to argue with you, dismiss your opinion, or berate you. When name-calling gets thrown around (you’re a “mean mom”), then be honest and blunt, “I don’t appreciate being called names, and I am ending this conversation.” Click.

She sounds pretty hardcore, Mamacita, so I think the respectful, yet blunt, approach will work (it’s worked for me, anyhow… ). Keep it simple, and use very few words.

Well said!
Setting up " boundaries around" ourselves is sometimes very important when dealing
with certain peoples, or life situations.
Actually, in some cases the controlling individual enjoys, and anticipates a reaction to
their demands, so that they can find fault with it and continue the drama.
Also, in some social dynamics the individual that “accepts” the controlling persons
behavior on a regular basis, finds a sub-concious pleasure in feeling victimized by that person.
In no way am I stating that the lady that started this thread is finding pleasure in her
particular, ongoing situations with her MI…At least she is aware of the negative effect this
ongoing behavior has on herself.
Power-tripping can also be a form of being a bully, and building their own self esteem,
which is usually low. Usually they are “addicted” to this form of bullying that can begin
at an early age.
I set boundaries around myself when having to deal with TOXIC people.
Our Creator gave us the intelligence and discernment to know when to implement this
form of wisdom. Not only are we assisting ourselves, but also at times the controller
begins to practice introspection on their toxic behavior, and it may assist others
that person is trying to bully, or will try to bully.
Then I add them to my Rosary intemtions…

 

[HouseArrest]

Can you tell your kids before you even go to g’mas they are NOT to open more than 1 toy while they are there? I would think that even if you are going to keep them, you would not want the pieces all over the house to pick up. Then you could return some or donate some? How old are your kids? Mine are small, aged 14 and under, and I can guarantee you if someone bought them $200 worth of toys apiece they would not even remember what was in the pile. And yes, I think you could expect them to part with the toys, even if they do remember.

 

[royal_archer]

OH, so you mean gma came to you guys instead of what we have to deal w/?? That would be a dream come true in and of itself, I would LOVE (as would DH) to host a holiday at our house (I love to cook, set up for parties, etc) but she won’t travel. By the way, for those wondering, this lady is not old, she’s only in her mid 50’s (and so is FIL), so it’s not like she’s incapable of driving here or something.

Hmmm, that might be an advantage, take a small car with a full trunk and then you won’t be able to bring the stuff home with you.

 

[Norseman82]

Hmmm, that might be an advantage, take a small car with a full trunk and then you won’t be able to bring the stuff home with you.

Unfortunately, that does not always work, as that was a factor in this thread (that fact comes out on page 2):

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=297612

 

[KCT]

Would your dh agree to every other year at home? At least it would be a start.

 

[mamacita]

Hmmm, that might be an advantage, take a small car with a full trunk and then you won’t be able to bring the stuff home with you.

Well, I would love to take a small car however then all the kiddos won’t fit. I must say tho that there have been quite few years where things had to stay at her house because they wouldn’t fit in our van. She always manages to get them to us somehow.

 

[mamacita]

Would your dh agree to every other year at home? At least it would be a start.

Hmm, one would think… but knowing how passive he is he won’t tell her that which I think is a huge problem here. I had confrontations w/ her in the past and decided that I’m done dealing w/ her and that HE should deal w/ her since it is his mom. Kwim? So, w/ that being said, I would think that would be a lovely idea but we’ll see how far that gets us…I’ll let you know.