Compulsive gambling and marriage

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Lilimo67

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I didn’t find out about husband’s CG until a few years into our marriage.
When I did find out we sold our house to pay his outstanding bills. We have been renting ever since. My struggle is that I am finally realizing now that he won’t change, I stuck by him for years due to our marriage vows. 10 days ago he gambled his paycheck ,I told him I will keep being by his side but he has to go to therapy ,he said he won’t. I then said then stop buying lotto ticket twice a week…that is a start at least …he hasn’t…
It’s tearing me up inside because of my faith , this is my worst in for better and worse. But I can’t trust him.
This is not going to get better is it?
 
Lilimo67 said:
This is not going to get better is it?
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He’s an addict. It probably won’t get better. Some addicts get help, most won’t.

You need to start taking steps to protect yourself financially. You’ve lost your house already. He may have secret credit cards. He may start taking out loans. If he gambled his entire paycheck, it is time for you to take action. That may mean separation or civil divorce. You can’t let him take your family under financially.

He needs help, and he may or may not get it if he sees the consequences of his actions, such as you no longer enabling the gambling.

You should get yourself into counseling also. You’ve been supporting an addict for a long time and are also going to have to learn some new behaviors.
 
For one, pray to God for your husband to overcome his addiction of gambling. Pray for the intercession of St. Cajetan. He is the patron of gamblers (and unemployed and other things.) Here’s a link for a novena to him. He was an Italian priest. https://www.catholicculture.org/culture/liturgicalyear/prayers/view.cfm?id=1318

Pray for the intercession of Mary as well. She will help you both. Make it an intention for your prayers.

Also, he NEEDS to find a therapist of some kind. Whether it’s counseling or medication, he needs it. May God bless you both to be well.

St. Catejan, Pray for Us!
 
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It won’t get better. It will get worse. Get, at the very least, a legal separation to protect yourself.
 
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Take legal actions to protect yourself (e.g. open a separate checking/savings account that he cannot access, make sure your name is not on any accounts that he does have access too, removing your name from any of his accounts, and monitor your credit score to make sure he is not opening any accounts in your name or listing you as co-applicant. If he has, contact those creditors immediately and close the accounts or have your name removed. This may involve filing an report for identity theft.
 
Lilimo67 said:
10 days ago he gambled his paycheck
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This can be a problem, which there was a solution for back in the day, but no longer.

In my youth, some women showed up at the paymaster’s window on pay day at the steel mill to collect their husband’s wages before he could waste them on gambling, drinking or other vices.

I don’t know what people can do nowadays, direct deposit and all of that.
 
Good advice so far from everyone. I will only add this. You cannot change your husband, you can only change your reaction to him. If you do nothing, you are enabling his behavior. Real change may only come for him when he is left alone to pay his own way without you.
 
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I took his credit cards and debit cards away a few years ago …then I felt I needed to show him I trusted him again. So I gave it all back. Fast foreword to 6 yrs later and here we are in the same mess… I am having inner turmoil …I stay and accept he won’t change but at least I’m not going against my vows. Or I ask him to leave knowing he will feel so alone and defeated and start talking about ending his life as he has done in the past .
 
Irishmom ,I feel like being an enabler is what is protecting my marriage from failing …
I would have left a long time ago but I said for better or for worse …This is my cross to bear.
If he would only talk about his G problems with me or someone …he does want to stop but he refuses to work at it .
 
My grandfather had a gambling problem. He died years before my parents married and before I was born but the reason I know about it is that my father was still upset years after the fact how his father would gamble away his entire paycheck on payday, leaving grandma with no money to buy food and other necessities for the family. Grandpa ended up dying relatively young, which put an end to the problem.

I myself had a relationship of several years with an alcoholic/ prescription drug abuser (fortunately I didn’t marry him).

Your husband has a mental illness. He is manipulating you into enabling him. Please see a lawyer and get the advice you need to protect yourself financially. Please also find a therapist or group that helps spouses of those with an addiction so you can understand better your situation and stop letting this man play you like the strings of his favorite violin. It is his illness making him do that, but it’s still not okay.

P.S. If you have any kids, they need to be your first priority.
 
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Swap out gambling for alcohol. Would you put up with that the same way?
Do you have children?
 
Irishmom2 said:
Swap out gambling for alcohol. Would you put up with that the same way?
Do you have children?
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I knew a lot of men with drinking problems who stayed married including some of my friends’ dads back when I was a kid. I think gambling is worse, as someone can go through their pay a lot quicker and surer gambling.

A drunk can only drink away so much money.
 
That only means their wives were willing to put up with their drinking…
 
Lilimo67 said:
Irishmom ,I feel like being an enabler is what is protecting my marriage from failing …
I would have left a long time ago but I said for better or for worse …This is my cross to bear.
If he would only talk about his G problems with me or someone …he does want to stop but he refuses to work at it .
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Being an enabler isn’t going to help your husband. The only thing that’s going to help him is a come-to-God moment. In your case, it sounds like nothing is going to get through to him. You are not obligated to stand by as he destroys your life and the lives of your children. You should, at the very least, completely separate your finances. I would also see if you can convince him to direct deposit his paycheck into an account he has no access to.

If he is unwilling to take any steps to improve, then I would separate from him. His behavior is a violation of your vows, and it will only lead to hardship.

Perhaps it will be the wake up call he needs.
 
Good question and the answer is no.
I wouldn’t be able to handle an alcoholic husband but I seem able to handle a gambler …in the 16 yrs we’ve been together I’ve contemplated leaving him many times . My faith always kept me in.
I have a 13 yr old daughter that has no idea her dad is a CG…and I’m keeping it that way .
How do people of faith make hard decisions when scripture matters to them .
 
Thank you … him violating our vows is where you got me…I already have control of our finances now.
He has to give me the cheque and I deposit it.
I feel like his mother and not his spouse.
 
Good advice, all around. I think of the adage “if you want an intractable situation to change, change you”.
Which is not blaming the victim, but empowering you, or rather letting God work in the only person open to his grace.
I will pray for you, and I ask your prayers for my friend Stephanie suffering with cancer. Thank you.
 
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If you don’t tell your daughter then she is going to blame you if you do separate. Your husband doesn’t need, nor does he deserve, your protection here. His decisions have created this situation, and he needs to own up to them.

The hard decision you need to make is what’s best for you and your family. Ideally, yes, you would stick with your husband and offer it up as sacrifice. However, you are not obligated to do so when his behavior represents such a danger to your family.

If he were willing to work on his addiction and get help, my advice would be completely different. I understand the nature of addiction, and I thank God for my wife and how understanding she is as I work on mine; but there’s the thing. I’m working on it. That’s what’s important. He’s not, and he needs to be.
Lilimo67 said:
Thank you … him violating our vows is where you got me…I already have control of our finances now.
He has to give me the cheque and I deposit it.
I feel like his mother and not his spouse.
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I’m glad you have control of the finances. It would be great if you could prevent him from even laying a hand on the check at all. Is there any chance of convincing him to direct deposit?

I want to reinforce that he is not living up to his vows though. His has an obligation to put his family first, and to protect them. That is what it means to be a husband. He is not living up to that obligation.

I’m not saying get a divorce or anything like that, but it might be that separation becomes necessary to force him to confront the problem. If you do separate, tell your daughter why, otherwise she will hate you for what she sees as you breaking up her peaceful home life.
 
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Thank you …I pray everyday for the suffering and the sick and I will pray for your friend .
 
Why do you think some CG refuse to get help even at the cost of losing their loved ones and what they own?
I can’t ask him too many questions , he gets irritated & upset . I avoid triggers if my daughter is around … if she’s not I go there with him and he tells me what I want to hear but I can’t keep the lines of communication open . He’s closed off.
By the way,my daughter has been asking me to leave him for years…she’s very intuitive and caught on early there’s an issue with him …she just doesn’t what that issue is…
 
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