Compulsive gambling and marriage

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lying and hiding money .
As I’m cutting hubbys hair tonite I asked him about $200 that he withdrew yesterday to pay for work supplies…”I was there with him for the withdrawal “
He said yes it was paid today,but what he didn’t know is that I knew the money was in his pockets.
I couldn’t say anything;I don’t want him to know the extent I don’t trust him…
He had less then $20 in his pockets for a week now he has $275?
The lies is what really gets me upset.
Thanks to all of you who replied and shared .
Thanks for the support.
Now I got to really dig deep and figure out what I want .
But one thing is for sure …I will kick the door open
“Irishmom” as soon as I see the opportunity this week.
 
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sorry, I know this is going to sound blunt but no one has really mentioned it yet. you haven’t been protecting your marriage from anything, simply living under the same roof while everything else is a mess is not going to help, and your husband is not going to change his behaviour if he knows that you will bale him out of every situation. you should talk to your priest if you have these kinds of doubts
 
Marriage vows don’t include putting up with abusive or harmful behaviors/actions and you wouldn’t be breaking the vows by separating or divorcing someone who has a problem like this and refuses to get help. One thing that stands out to me is your daughter is 13 and has been asking you to leave him for years. For a child to verbalize this multiple times means she isn’t happy in the home with the way things are. She would rather be away from her own father if that says anything. I grew up with a functional alcoholic father that had many issues and I used to ask my mother to leave him and pray that she would all through my childhood and she never would. I don’t know if she was in the same mindset of wanting to preserve the marriage, or just didn’t want to be alone or what. Thankfully I get along ok with my dad now but my childhood was miserable due to this, and I feel my mom was weak for staying and just putting up with him. I hope that you can convince him to get help, but if not I just wanted to offer some insight into what your daughter may be thinking and going through.
 
Thank you for your story Gingersnap,
I also had a functioning alcoholic father who was also a narcissistic dictator that controlled & manipulated me until I finally found a way out at 27 …that was in 1994 but it took me years to figure out who I am and my purpose in life . I spent so many years isolated and alone ; I made a lot of mistakes with the people I let in my life.
 
I agree with you ,and it’s how I view life,I’m thankful everyday for all my blessings.
Having said that ,i shouldn’t have to live my life not trusting my husband and being afraid to talk with him .
If I put in 100% of the work to keep my marriage alive and he struggles putting in even 20% …
I keep catching him in lies…but I did talk with him this morning …it went very bad… not surprised .
 
Lilimo67 said:
,i shouldn’t have to live my life not trusting my husband and being afraid to talk with him .
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You are right, you should not. And that is why I addressed the terrible demands that brings.

I’ll give you another idea towards that, I have found single children tend towards sincerity whilst those with many siblings tend toward not being completely honest (or very sparing with the truth, if you will). The reason being, the single child since their youth is brought up to be very honest so parents can know what’s going on with their only heir. Whilst, children with siblings tend towards not being honest because any indiscretion from one the siblings would incur in another of them being punished (thus the siblings unite around withholding the truth). (And that is a very strained relationship with honesty and truthfulness, from early childhood, that is very hard to change. And being placed on any of those sides, it’s very hard, counter-intuitive, to understand the other’s relationship with truthfulness.)
 
What does he gamble on? You said lotto, anything else?

I have gambled myself in the past, frankly I’ve done quite a few things in the past. Actually I should correct that, I analysed one or two things, played with very small,amounts to test my models having tested them on paper first and long term, and when I found there was a flaw in my model I stopped. Immediately. Because I don’t gamble.

If I was in this situation I’d suggest that he had a small amount of money to play with and potentially lose. This would be until he could bring himself to either get counselling for it or give up getting his kicks secretly due to the small amounts involved. This would limit the damage he could do to the family finances and help to wean him off it. Gambling is a very powerful addiction due to its random reward, that random element adds to the excitement for some, also the secretive nature of it too.

I was being told by an addict once that if only he had more money he could really get somewhere with it. I suggested he’d only lose bigger amounts of money. He gambled on anything and everything even going without sleep because he access to the technology needed to be able to gamble 24/7. He was an expert, broke, but an expert, so much so that I suggested he get a job …in a bookmakers. His eyes lit up but I have no idea what happened next.
 
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He gambles online and going to bars with machines .
Losing money is one thing but it losing trust that kills me. I can accept losing hundreds of dollars ,it can be replaced …but his consent lies is going to tear us apart,…the sad thing is he lies so much he can’t even recognize a lie anymore .
 
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So is there a way to separate your finances so that he has some money to play with but it’s a small limited amount? This would need his cooperation of course.
 
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started doing that over 10 days ago.
I have all his credit and debit cards. But he still gets his pay check …
 
I can’t remember if this has been brought up, but gambling addictions may be like drug addictions, and turn the person into a master manipulator. At this point he may just assume that no matter what he does, you won’t be going anywhere and there will be no real consequence. And the threats of self-harm could even be a ploy with him knowing it will guilt you into staying without him having to actually make a change. I’m not necessarily pushing for divorce here but maybe he needs to see that you are really done tolerating it before he will be willing to act.
 
I’m finally waking from having my head in the clouds …
I told him this morning he can choose a life of lies and secrecy and gambling or he can choose recovery and his family …we will be speaking later .
Thank you ginger snap
 
Lilimo67 said:
I’m finally waking from having my head in the clouds …
I told him this morning he can choose a life of lies and secrecy and gambling or he can choose recovery and his family …we will be speaking later .
Thank you ginger snap
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Well done, @Lilimo67. I hope he takes this as a time to change. Make sure you have people around you to be your support system - your family, a therapist, friends etc. Don’t feel like you can’t lean on others.
 
I appreciate your devotion to your marriage. Like it was said here before, it is kind of awkward to receive advises on divorce so easily on a Catholic site when all you want is to fix the problem not leave your husband.
Here on CAF I found out that praying to St. Spyridon helps with addictions of any type.
I pray for you husband, you and your daughter.
Your husband gambles because he is certain he will win, he has to win. Anyone pointing out to the problem is an enemy on this secret idol who feeds him lies. It is important to destroy this false idol and if he is so deep in his dream world that feeds his addiction that threats do not impress him at all I think he really does need an intervention from above for which I am praying right now.
 
Thank you Lee…there’s temptation everywhere in my city for gamblers …online I can control. But I can’t stop him from crossing the street and buying lotto tickets.
But my head is clear and my focus is giving him a bottom line ,which I learned here.
 
I’ve never talked about this to anyone …i came on here to seek advice from Catholics …I’ve called GA in the past to get some insight.
 
He is motivated by money and I’m motivated by Faith.
his mother brings him down a lot for renting and not owning a home …he comes home defeated every time he visits her, …the mother knows about his Gambling.
But image is important to her and that’s how he was raised …
 
Years ago I read up on PAB …I leaned to accept it and live with as well as our daughter. I learned not to trigger him thru the years unless it’s about gambling .
 
Gambling may seem to hold the key to success, it’s a fallacy of course for most people. Some people imagine how much winning finally would regain the respect of everyone in one fell swoop. Perhaps someone who is more confident about their worth regardless of financial success would be less likely to gamble? Of course we have our religion to help us to be grateful regardless of money. Not easy since society values that kind of success so highly.

Are pay checks paid directly into a bank account by the way? I see a weak spot do you?
 
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You hit the nail …my husband doesn’t value himself ,even with all the love and support I showed him over the years …he feels he has no worth …
This was an issue before I even showed up in his life .
 
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