Compulsive gambling and marriage

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Lilimo67 said:
Or I ask him to leave knowing he will feel so alone and defeated and start talking about ending his life as he has done in the past .
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You are not responsible for his choices. He has an addiction. You have a right to demand he seek treatment.

Threatening suicide is emotional blackmail. You are not responsible if he does harm himself and you can’t let it keep you paralyed and helpless.
 
Lilimo67 said:
Why do you think some CG refuse to get help even at the cost of losing their loved ones and what they own?
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You are trying to be rational about this. There is no why. Gambling is an addiction. He has an illness. It’s not rational and you can’t talk him out of it.

Get yourself some counseling to help you understand addiction and your role in it.
 
I can move on and live without this man ,I’ve raised our daughter myself for the most part, But I worry he will fall completely apart. His family will blame me for leaving him , I saw a text his brother sent him last week calling me selfish for considering separation over gambling. What hurt me was my husband never texted back saying I’m not a selfish person .
I am seeking counseling now. Thank you .
 
Lilimo67 said:
I saw a text his brother sent him last week calling me selfish for considering separation over gambling
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Very clearly, his brother does not understand the extent of his problem or what it’s like to live with someone with a serious addiction. Please don’t base your response on what his family will think of you.

I agree with everyone else here. Protect yourself and your daughter and stop enabling him.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.
 
Thank you …the irony here is that his brother dealt with CG in the past ,I don’t know how he overcame it.
 
Lilimo67 said:
Thank you …the irony here is that his brother dealt with CG in the past ,I don’t know how he overcame it.
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I mean no offence to your brother in law, but if he can’t see how bad your husband’s addiction is, I’m not sure how well he truly has overcome it. It’s clear he doesn’t understand the pain caused by gambling if he thinks you’re being the selfish one.
 
Any chance his employer could do direct deposit? If you control the accounts, he wouldn’t have a chance to cash and blow his paycheque.
 
Thank you … I’m not sure what’s going on with his brother …we don’t see him that often . But this I know ,gambling is a family issue for all the males in my husbands family.
 
Lilimo67 said:
Thank you … I’m not sure what’s going on with his brother …we don’t see him that often . But this I know ,gambling is a family issue for all the males in my husbands family.
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Well, that actually explains the brothers behavior then.
 
His employer pays by cheque only … but I’m more concerned with my husbands lack of interest in seeking counseling . Him and I don’t talk and that’s the problem . He shuts that door as soon as I open it.
 
Open the door again and stick your foot in it. He cannot be in control of the conversation. Too bad if he doesn’t like what you have to say.
 
I plan on doing that tonite while my daughter is away.
But I have kicked the door and he blows up.
What will be different tonite is that I will have to tell him what I’ve never said before …I’m an enabler! and I can’t do that anymore for his sake and mine .
Hopefully he won’t explode and stay calm and be can decide seeking counseling or we have to go our separate ways,
Thank you Irishmom
 
Will pray that God gives you strength and the right words to stand firm and not be manipulated by anything he has to say.
 
Lilimo67 said:
,I told him I will keep being by his side but he has to go to therapy ,he said he won’t.
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Addicts won’t seek help until family tells them “until you get help, we cannot enable you. We love you too much to help you destroy yourself” (parapharsing). In therapy they call it “raising the bottom” so that the addict “hits bottom” quicker, since he feels the full force of his addiction faster when family tell him they’ll cut off ties until he gets help. Bottom line? Its then the addicts decision and hence the addicts family isn’t deciding to cut ties, the addict is deciding that by not deciding to get help.
 
Tonite ,I plan on telling him to seek help …in the past I would ask him .
I found strength and answers here that is going to carry me through my conversation with him tonite.
Thank you
 
You need to have your bottom line ready if he says he wont go. If he wont go, what is your response? You and daughter will leave? He needs to leave? You need to decide what your response will be.
 
Awesome, we’ll pray for you.

As a former addict myself, the key my family had was a “bottom line”, i.e. they said “if you dont get help today, then XYZ will be diffferent going forward…” in my case it was my parents throwing me out of the house. I could tell they weren’t bluffing. The fact that they (a) gave me a bottom line and (b) weren’t bluffing and held to that bottom line is what caused me to change. HAd they let me back in teh house? Forget it.
 
Thank you for sharing that …
Really I’m afraid to approach him and rattle the cage , im also afraid I will back down and just not do anything at all and let things be the way they are.
After all I lived like this for many years .
But I will attempt the conversation tonite …
 
Sometimes having support is key. If he has parents, sisters, brothers, etc, then ask them to join and commit to change their relationship with him too. Ask yourself “where will he turn if I cut ties?” Then contact those people and have them participate. You almost have to think like him and then work backwards and close off all escape hatches so he has no option but treatment.
 
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