Compulsive gambling and marriage

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Irish mom ,I’ve had my plan ready for a while now…he almost left last week when I found out he gambled the pay check. But I stopped him from leaving and told him he could stay but we had to talk in the morning. So I talked ,he listened ,and agreed that he needs major help. And that was that .
 
There were no consequences offered to him. so he listened and ignored what you said. That is why you need to decide what you will do, like Aquinas wrote about, upthread.
 
Lilimo67 said:
Why do you think some CG refuse to get help even at the cost of losing their loved ones and what they own?
I can’t ask him too many questions , he gets irritated & upset . I avoid triggers if my daughter is around … if she’s not I go there with him and he tells me what I want to hear but I can’t keep the lines of communication open . He’s closed off.
By the way,my daughter has been asking me to leave him for years…she’s very intuitive and caught on early there’s an issue with him …she just doesn’t what that issue is…
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To be honest, it’s because it literally hurts to stop. That’s the problem with a compulsive or addictive behavior. It gets to the point where you start suffering withdrawal from not doing it. I don’t know how it is with gambling, but I imagine stopping is associated with depression, since they derive most of their “fun” from gambling.

If he’s getting upset like that, chances are he understands that what he’s doing is bad, he just isn’t willing to take the painful steps to stop yet. It’s easier to get mad at the person trying to help you than to acknowledge that you are the problem. The prospect of coming to terms with what he’s done frightens him. I imagine this is very similar to what a soul unwilling to accept God’s forgiveness goes through when they face judgment. It’s easier to run from God than confront our own sinfulness; it’s probably also easier to run back to a bad habit than confront the damage we’ve wrought in our life.

I’m glad your daughter understands that your husband is in the wrong. I would explain it to her. My son is only 17 months, but I imagine that if I reached a point like this, he would have the best chance of convincing me to get help. Then again, I don’t know their relationship, so I’m not saying you definitely have to do that.
 
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Lilimo67 said:
Irish mom ,I’ve had my plan ready for a while now…he almost left last week when I found out he gambled the pay check. But I stopped him from leaving and told him he could stay but we had to talk in the morning. So I talked ,he listened ,and agreed that he needs major help. And that was that .
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You have an opening. He’s willing. That’s major. If he’s still willing, you have to get his paycheck on direct deposit. Keep him away form money… It’s going to hurt, and he’s probably going to get angry for a while. But on the other side of that anger is the pain of the knowledge of what he’s done…
 
ProdglArchitect said:
To be honest, it’s because it literally hurts to stop. That’s the problem with a compulsion and addictive behavior. It gets to the point where you start suffering withdrawal from not doing it.
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Plus with gambling, the issue is that you get “into a hole” and so now you MUST get out of that hole.

Day 1: You lose $500 gambling
Day 2: You lose $600 gambling
Day 3: So when you go gambling, you’re not thinking “let’s see if I can win some money!”, you’re thinking “I’m in a $1100 hole, I MUST WIN $1100 TO GET OUT OF $1100 HOLE”. Let’s suppose you’re up $800 on the day. Sounds good right? Nope! You’re still $300 in the hole from Days 1 & 2. So you keep gambling and lose it all and go from being $800 up to being $500 down. So now you’re $1100 hole just grew to $1600. That’s the psyche.
 
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Would they mail the cheque to your home address? You could make a point of intercepting the Mail.
 
Thank you for that insight …it makes total sense why he gets so upset when I bring up gambling and seeking help. He always says when he’s caught that he hates himself for doing this and he needs major help.
But over the years he hasn’t done anything to overcome those disease.
I understand now I played a role by not giving him an ultimatum.
 
Ultimatums aren’t always the best way to go, the addict doesn’t like them and are likely to have a fight or flight type response; but it sounds like it may be necessary in this case.

You say he’s had some lucid moments recently. This is probably the best time to get him the help he needs. It’s time to stop expecting him to do it for himself, he obviously isn’t going to. There are probably addiction support groups in your area, and probably some specifically geared towards gambling. You need to get him to agree to go to a meeting, and then you need to make him go. He’s not going to do it on his own, that’s all there is to it.
 
Lilimo67 said:
But I worry he will fall completely apart.
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Maybe.

Again— his choice. You offer to support him through counseling, rehab, gambler’s anonymous, etc. but you set boundaries and you do what is best for you and your child. Whatever his outcome is on him, not you.

And you get your own counseling until you believe those words. Right now, you’re enabling.

And his family — frankly, they are enablers too. You have to get a thicker skin and not care what they think. Not play the game where everyone pretends there’s nothing wrong. Where everyone tiptoes around the addiction and acts like everything is OK. Offer them the number to counseling too, but ultimately they make their own choices too.

What other people think is NOT your primary concern here.

He’s an addict. He’s not going to defend you, he’s going to feed his addiction. And THEY are feeding his addiction by criticizing and undermining YOU.

You’ve got to start seeing the dynamics in play here for what they really are.
 
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Lilimo67 said:
Tonite ,I plan on telling him to seek help …in the past I would ask him .
I found strength and answers here that is going to carry me through my conversation with him tonite.
Thank you
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@Lilimo67 Don’t let yourself be influenced right now (on this thread) to act. Take your time. I sense you are writing near a point of saturation. Let that pass first.

[I actually think the most straight to the point advice hasn’t been given on this thread. But I’ll refrain from doing so.]
 
Hi Lilimo67,

I am finishing my masters in clinical mental health counseling. I highly encourage you to seek therapy and consider going to GamAnon - if you have not heard of it, it is for families of gamblers. Everything is safe and confidential. Without therapy, your husband is not going to change. Full disclosure, my father has a gambling addiction as well and it tore apart my own family. We lost our home and it completely disrupted our lives. If you want to private message me, I would be happy to help you find support in your area.

Praying for you and your family. Many blessings.

All the best,

Kat
 
Please share it…he’s home and I’m not approaching him as he’s eating and daughter canceled her evening plans …so I have to wait for another opportunity …
I find myself Not wanting to say anything and just accept what I have been dealt with …I think one way when he’s not home and another when he is .
 
Thank you …I have called GA in the past many times. ,but at the end of the day I want my marriage to last and I want to grow old with him and I keep justifying it’s not as bad as other gamblers…
having said that ,what kind of marriage do I have that I can’t even talk with him about this and there’s no trust anymore,. I don’t believe anything he says.
 
First off, please accept my heartfelt solidarity with the hardship you have underwent for such a long time of your conjugal and family life.

At this point, you have a range of options. But the first one is to have hope.

Then, it is to not let the circumstances, your emotional state, outside influences (some posters here), the last paycheck, or the long track-record of gambling problem, to influence you into “making a decision”, “acting immediately”, “issuing an ultimatum”. That would be the temptation to force an “immediate” change in the situation, and by that, changing the immediate emotional distress all of this has been (is) causing you, at this very moment.

Have hope!

What we are contemplating is a solution !! And that solution, will not be immediate. It will take steps, and it will take time. In the meanwhile, don’t let anyone “wind you up” because it is obvious you are in a distress. And that is the worst possible moment to make any decision.

I think perhaps, however grave the situation might be. The wisest immediate course of action would be to go give a kiss to your family and tell them you love them.

For now, that should be it.

God bless.
 
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When I found out about this last bout of gambling the pay check I forgive him and also had a long talk and he listened …the next day I was kissing and loving and telling him I love him …then I find him being dishonest about certain things and I am now taking a step back and observing my life and the reality of it. I asked him to no buy lotto tickets as a baby step to recovery since he won’t go to meetings …he answers “yep”…well he’s been buying them . I’m just frustrated that he won’t work on this.
Thank you for your thoughts
 
@Lilimo67, I understand and I think you did the right thing.

You are doing a very good job at describing those moments. Please notice, there is a lot to address. Both your husband’s problems, and how all this is impacting you.

The first thing I said is: Have hope. And you do. Don’t let anything lead you into despair. This last description, does, indeed, contribute towards despair. Don’t let it. I know it seems hopeless, and is indeed despairing (not even a baby-step). But there is hope and there is a way. It doesn’t mean your husband won’t take baby-steps.
 
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Just read it…thank you for taking the time …hope and faith in the Lord and in my marriage vows have kept me in this marriage …I just don’t know how to help my husband and approaching him is not easy… he just won’t talk about it, I’m fighting and working hard at keeping this marriage , I have been for years…I don’t see the fight in him …if I said “leave now” ,he would ,he wouldn’t even stay and fight for us.
 
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