Confessing Adultry to Your Spouse

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So, would you rather know about an infidelity so you and your spouse could live the rest of your lives alone (and presumably miserable) but still married OR would you rather not know, if the infidelity was over and forever done with, and you could both go on happily with your marriage together? For me, the second scenario is an easier choice and one that allows for some hope in the event of human weakness.
How could a spouse who cheated live on happily? Thats what I don’t understand. If I had been in bed with another person while married to a loving and faithful spouse I’d feel so darn miserable and unworthy and Im sure it would take ages to forgive myself.
How can the happiness in ignorance of one spouse, and the crushing remorse in secret for the other spouse be a state of authentic marital happiness???
 
Even if it’s out on a business trip, if a spouse were to cheat, the betrayed partner would likely feel something amiss. I say this because of the amount of effort it takes between two spouses to carry on a marriage that is faithful to church’s teachings. I think it’s because in marriages that follow church teaching the couples become more specific in their actions and conversations with each other. ( I believe it’s called lower abstraction…the details are more specific than generalized. )

Oh, and I don’t blame a bad marriage for infidelity. It rests solely on the spouse who violates their marriage vows.

You say you’ve seen alot of good children go through divorces because of little indiscretions. Having suffered what I have, and being a Catholic, I take offense to that. In a sacramental marriage, there’s no such thing as a little indiscretion. Breaking a marital vow is a grave offense, not some little indiscretion. So please don’t minimize it.

The married men who you’ve witnessed cheating, they have no respect for their wives, .
I do believe that every person is a very weak and that’s why avoiding near occasions of sin is such an obligation. None of us are excempt from falling into sins we never thought we could fall into. I have learned that lesson in my own life. So rather I believe myself capable of every malice and take precautions not to place myself in temptation.

As for the rest you say, I totally agree.
Indeed if marriage is a place where people are to carry their burdens alone and huge events are not to be shared but silenced to death, then I see no cause for marriage because it would be easier in many ways to spare another person my weaknesses, great and small, from the onset then.
Now I do believe that marriage involves tranparency.

Also, I agree with others here. A priest should not tell a adulterer to keep silent about it. Jesus said:
“If there is something between you and your brother, go and reconcile with him first.Then you can come and bring your gift to the alter”.
If I wronged another person I was always asked by the priest if I had asked forgiveness of that person. And of course I had to do that to prove my sincerety.

The right thing is not always the most convenient or easy thing.
 
I do not understand why, apart from questions of justice toward the wronged spouse, of avoiding future temptation for the adulterous spouse, and of whether the adulterous spouse ought to live in private guilt forever, no one thinks of a duty to the truth itself. Why do some many people prefer a comfortable lie? I cannot understand. :confused:
 
I do not understand why, apart from questions of justice toward the wronged spouse, of avoiding future temptation for the adulterous spouse, and of whether the adulterous spouse ought to live in private guilt forever, no one thinks of a duty to the truth itself. Why do some many people prefer a comfortable lie? I cannot understand. :confused:
The duty to truth is not absolute. Much of healthy human interaction is based on actually NOT saying all that is true. There is no obligation to tell the truth about everything. Not even between spouses.
 
The duty to truth is not absolute. Much of healthy human interaction is based on actually NOT saying all that is true. There is no obligation to tell the truth about everything. Not even between spouses.
Jesus said, “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No man comes to the Father but through Me.”

Umm, and considering He referred to Satan as the “father of lies”, I would say that there IS an absolute duty to the truth, especially between spouses. My husband can count on me NEVER to lie to him, or hide ANYTHING from him. 🤷
 
How could a spouse who cheated live on happily? Thats what I don’t understand. If I had been in bed with another person while married to a loving and faithful spouse I’d feel so darn miserable and unworthy and Im sure it would take ages to forgive myself.
How can the happiness in ignorance of one spouse, and the crushing remorse in secret for the other spouse be a state of authentic marital happiness???
I think the cheating spouse can live with remorse and firm purpose of amendment to never cheat again and with the intention of repairing the harm they did to the relationship all without unburdening themselves and spreading the pain to their spouse. Think of it as doing the same thing the cheater would be expected to do to mend the marriage if they confessed the sin and their spouse agreed to stay together. Only the innocent spouse is spared the pain and the guilty spouse deservedly gets to carry it for both of them.
 
I think the cheating spouse can live with remorse and firm purpose of amendment to never cheat again and with the intention of repairing the harm they did to the relationship all without unburdening themselves and spreading the pain to their spouse. Think of it as doing the same thing the cheater would be expected to do to mend the marriage if they confessed the sin and their spouse agreed to stay together. Only the innocent spouse is spared the pain and the guilty spouse deservedly gets to carry it for both of them.
I 100% agree with this.
 
I think the cheating spouse can live with remorse and firm purpose of amendment to never cheat again and with the intention of repairing the harm they did to the relationship all without unburdening themselves and spreading the pain to their spouse. Think of it as doing the same thing the cheater would be expected to do to mend the marriage if they confessed the sin and their spouse agreed to stay together. Only the innocent spouse is spared the pain and the guilty spouse deservedly gets to carry it for both of them.
well put.
 
I would rather know the truth than live a lie, regardless of its cost.
regardless of the cost? I find that hard to believe. Working in absolutes is a dangerous thing. Remeber Adam and Eve and the “tree of the knowledge of good and evil”? Adam and Eve gained “truth” but lost innocence.

Suppose the truth threw you into such a funk (or depression) that it affected your children as well. . .possibly driving them further from yourself and from the only family they knew.
Is your right to the truth still so important?

I tend to agree with those who want to know. . .although I would happily forfit any “right” I think I have for the benefit of my children.

In Christ I don’t know that we have any “rights”-- only responsibilities. After all we are slaves to Christ.

Adam and Eve demonstrated not all knowledge of good and evil (or truth as you put it) is beneficial.
 
Jesus said, “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No man comes to the Father but through Me.”

Umm, and considering He referred to Satan as the “father of lies”, I would say that there IS an absolute duty to the truth, especially between spouses. My husband can count on me NEVER to lie to him, or hide ANYTHING from him. 🤷
Have you told him every bad thought you have had about him or about others (the sinful kind)? Do you share with him all the dreams you have? Do you share with him all your fears? All your desires in your heart? All the doubts that pass through your mind?

Honestly, I have NEVER heard anyone claim that he or she has truly–as in 100% truly–shared EVERYTHING they have done or thought or felt with a spouse. Or with ANYONE, for that matter.
 
regardless of the cost? I find that hard to believe. Working in absolutes is a dangerous thing. Remeber Adam and Eve and the “tree of the knowledge of good and evil”? Adam and Eve gained “truth” but lost innocence.
Our Lord tends to work in absolutes. He is Himself absolutely good–and true.
Suppose the truth threw you into such a funk (or depression) that it affected your children as well. . .possibly driving them further from yourself and from the only family they knew.
Is your right to the truth still so important?
Not only is “my right” to the truth so important, Truth itself is so important. You also presume that I would be unable to continue in my family life. Having seen, in a family close to me, a wife able to continue on, and that without benefit of the Sacraments.

Those who say the adulterous spouse should have to bear all the burden of his guilt alone are, it appears to me, avoiding part of what marriage is supposed to be about–bearing each other’s burdens. If the spouses stay together after adultery, which remains the injured spouse’s right to decide, then they are truly together, with no secrets dividing them, and with no private burdens to carry.
I tend to agree with those who want to know. . .although I would happily forfit any “right” I think I have for the benefit of my children.

In Christ I don’t know that we have any “rights”-- only responsibilities. After all we are slaves to Christ.
Rights to the Truth, however, we do have as children of the Truth. Even slaves don’t get lies.
Adam and Eve demonstrated not all knowledge of good and evil (or truth as you put it) is beneficial.
Your analogy is false because they did not seek Truth (which came to them in the garden in the cool of the day); they simply disobeyed.

“And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.” That is what Scripture says about it. I do not see anywhere in Scripture which tells us that living a comfortable lie is a good thing.
 
I would rather know the truth than live a lie, regardless of its cost.
ok

that is your right to wish for this

but don’t assume that others feel the same way: the poll shows a virtually even split (the “nos” are leading, slightly)

There are many tales in literature of the tragic cost of knowledge. It is a two-edged sword, and one must be careful of the arc of the swing in wielding it.
 
…I do not see anywhere in Scripture which tells us that living a comfortable lie is a good thing.
we all know that we do live some comfortable lies. scripture does not have to say this for it to be true. comfortable lies are a requirement, at times, for human interaction and emotional survival. I don’t need scripture to tell me this.
 
Our Lord tends to work in absolutes. He is Himself absolutely good–and true.

Not only is “my right” to the truth so important, Truth itself is so important. You also presume that I would be unable to continue in my family life. Having seen, in a family close to me, a wife able to continue on, and that without benefit of the Sacraments.

Those who say the adulterous spouse should have to bear all the burden of his guilt alone are, it appears to me, avoiding part of what marriage is supposed to be about–bearing each other’s burdens. If the spouses stay together after adultery, which remains the injured spouse’s right to decide, then they are truly together, with no secrets dividing them, and with no private burdens to carry.

Rights to the Truth, however, we do have as children of the Truth. Even slaves don’t get lies.

Your analogy is false because they did not seek Truth (which came to them in the garden in the cool of the day); they simply disobeyed.

“And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.” That is what Scripture says about it. I do not see anywhere in Scripture which tells us that living a comfortable lie is a good thing.
I do not presume you would be unable to continue on. I never said that. I do presume you are a feeling, reasonable person. Any feeling, reasonable person would be greatly distraught by such revelations. and, it will affect the way you parent your children, react with your friends, and live you life.

No one is advocating lies. I just don’t think you are as entitled to the truth as you seem to think you are. Slaves are not entitled to anything. They are slaves. That’s just my opinion. I’ll have to think it over a while.

*The truth is * we are all fallen, all decrepit, all sinful. It is possible if we knew *the truth *about the state of our own soul (as God does), and what wretched people we are, we might not be so troubled by the falled state of our spouses soul. Furthermore, it may be that this knowledge (reserved to God) is too much for us.

“The truth shall set you free” John 8:31. This scripture isn’t about just any truth. It is about Jesus Christ. You miss the importance of the scripture when you apply it generally. It is very specific. It is about holding to the teaching of Jesus Christ. Read John 8:30.
 
we all know that we do live some comfortable lies. scripture does not have to say this for it to be true. comfortable lies are a requirement, at times, for human interaction and emotional survival. I don’t need scripture to tell me this.
Modern man holds nothing higher than his own comfort.
 
No people of any other age have either. 🤷
Actually, various ages have admired various qualities. Not all of the qualities have been what we as Christians are to hold up as good, but neither have they all been “comfort”.
 
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