Confession concern with my 11 year old daughter

[rayne89]

The other day my daughter says to me "Mom, while I was in confession last time Fr. xxxx asked me if I have improperly touched myself. My daughter tends to freeze up in confession so I know Fr. helps her by going through a series of questions. My daughter didn’t understand the question so she told me she “Uhh” and he thought she said no so he moved on. This priest is a wonderful priest whom we know quite well and on an intellectual level I understand that he was going through the list of common sins but on an emotional level I have to admit it disturbed me-I mean she is only 11.

My daughter tends toward scrupulousity and I have no idea how to explain what he meant. I truly don’t think doing such a thing has ever entered her mind and I certainly don’t want to put there or freak her out.

I thought about talking about with the priest but I realize he can’t discuss anything said in confession so I wouldn’t know how to do that either.

First am I over reacting? And second how do I address this?

 

[Gertabelle]

I see no one else has repsonded, so I’ll take a stab at this one.

I am a mom and a teacher, and I think I would have similar questions if my son or a student related what your daughter did.

That being said, I don’t think you have overreacted simply by posting a question here. Your concerns are valid, because you are your daughter’s mother and you need to be vigilant for her growth and development.

Since you have this concern, and you are friends with this priest, I would definitely bring this up with him in private. No, he cannot reveal anything heard in the confessional. Yes, you can tell him what your daughter heard in the confessional and related to you.

How you approach him is the foundation of a positive outcome. If you simply want him never to suggest anything of this sort to your daughter again, tell him in kind, respectful, yet extremely firm language of your expectations. If you are concerned about his helping people state their sins in the confessional, offer to make copies of an examination of conscience people can peruse before receiving the sacrament.

Personally, I encourage you not to let this drop, because as a mother you are disturbed by it. And God made you this child’s mother and gave you this responsibility.

Look, it probably is that he is just trying to help young people in particular learn how to make a good confession, and that is really admirable. You can assist him in this by bringing your concerns for your daughter’s innocence. If he is this concerned about helping the penitent, he will most likely take your counsel to heart and reconsider what he asks of whom.

God bless you.
Gertie (who REALLY needs to go to bed now)

 

[Socio_Momma]

If you are concerned then I would follow the previous suggestion of just talking with the Priest and discussing it further. It’s never an overreaction to take interest in your child’s welfare in any state (physical, emotional, spiritual). I would also pray for guidance from the Holy Spirit before talking with him, I find that this always helps me approach a person more positively when it’s a situation I am worried about and avoid misunderstandings (God is good this way).

Most likely it was just part of his standard questions for when people seem unsure what to confess. He probably did just pull out his standard questions for the “almost” teen crowd. Given he cannot know if someone has done such a thing merely by appearances in the public square & lots of kids seem innocent but are not (I am not trying to imply your daughter isn’t innocent, but that from my personal experience I have seen this with some kids). Also, since many have lost that innocence even at 11 they do have that sin & more to confess (again my personal experience). That means he might feel he has to ask the same questions regardless (and your daughter just got asked to cover basis even though she hasn’t) or that he just went to a standard question not really thinking about the age of the pentitent or the way he asked the question.

Either way talk with him if you are concerned and help put the matter at rest. Anything that causes pause or concern as a parent should be addressed and the Priest should understand that it is out of parental love that you are talking with him.

 

[pyropam]

I’m a new Catholic so … look over me if you feel I’m in error.

I would be upset about this too! I think that was not a proper thing to ask a child. The children are taught what kinds of things they need to confess… why does he need to ask questions about things that were not brought up?

I would not let this drop… Please say something to him right away.

 

[Sr_Sally]

You’ve gotten good advice to talk to the priest. What I would also suggest is that you help your dd (and any other children) prepare for confession before they go. Find online or type up an examination of conscience that you think is appropriate to your dc. I got one online and modified it a bit. Then help them learn how to use it–either with a nightly examination or perhaps weekly. Especially have them look it over before going to confession. Perhaps even suggest she make a private list for herself so that she doesn’t “freeze up” in the confessional. Hope this suggestion helps her both move through confession more easily, but also allays some of her scrupulosity.

 

[rayne89]

Thank you all. We do have sheets to read before confession -one for adults and one for children but it’s my daughter that finds herself speechless once she gets into the confessional even after reviewing the list. (The children’s one says something about commiting an act of impurity.)

Any suggestions on explaining to my daughter what Fr. meant by the question?

 

[kage_ar]

Would your daughter feel better if she took a written list/note into the Confessional? I take a whole slew of 11 year olds to Confession 2X per year (Advent and Lent during CCD). I know how many of them tend to freeze up.

After a few years of this, a few meltdowns from kids who “cannot remember what to do” - we do a walk through before, we read the exam of concience together.

They then go in with a crib sheet if they need it, a step-by-step (Begin by making the SOTC and saying “Bless me Father for I have sinned, it has been ______ since my last confession” and taking them through each step.

I also let them make a list of things to confess if need be.

Those who take in a list, we make sure the lists are destroyed right after confession.

DH takes a list in on his hand held PC

 

[Sr_Sally]

Any suggestions on explaining to my daughter what Fr. meant by the question?

How much does you dd know about her body, her cycles, purpose of sex, etc?
I would say something like “Married sex feels good and that’s part of how God made it, sometimes people do things to feel that way outside of married sex. Doing those things is wrong and that’s what Fr was talking about. You didn’t understand him because your conscience knows that is wrong even if you’ve never thought about it, so you’ve never done it.”

Whadda ya think?

 

[scylla]

Hmm this is tough because it is a legitimate question as some people do not know it is wrong to do this sort of thing.

But it each person is different, there are some 11 years olds who are very innocent and some who are quite the other way. Looking at some of the confession sheets that are supposed to guide you in what to confess some of them kinda do gloss over this type of sin.
If it is something wrong to do should the priest ask if you did it? Especially when people downplay this type sin as even being a sin these days… I have two daughters who are very young and this is a delicate subject.

This is a toughie for both you and the Priest because he has to do his job and make sure that sins are getting confessed or else there would be invalid confessions.

When I was much younger than your daughter I went to public school and was not that innocent even at 8 years old, so it really is tough on Priests these days. Do they talk about sin or do they ignore it and hope that someone else does?

Now what would you think if this was an 11 year old boy? Should he know this is a sin, does he know this is a sin and do any 11 year old boys commit this sin?

God Bless
Scylla

 

[StatCrux]

I am neither a parent nor a woman but I would like to offer my two cents. While at first I was surprised by the priest, on careful reflection I decided his question was not out of line. Your daughter is at the age or just approaching it where that kind of stuff starts to happen. So while your daughter was blessed enough to be innocent she certainly is not representative of all children her age. Perhaps now is the time to get the revised story of the birds and bees- an explanation that expresses the joys of Catholic sexuality while unabashedly confronts issues that your daughter will face (and soon). She is going to be hearing all of this in sex-ed anyway (if she attends public school, she could end up with a really skewed vision). Take the initiative and tell her first. Better she hear a well reasoned, thoughtful, and faithful explanation (re-explanation) of sexuality from her parents then little not-so-innocent Janey during recess who might lead your daughter to unknowingly commit a sinful act. Give her the tools to make informed decisions so that she can be true to her faith. The exact timing is the difficult part. Regardless, at 11 I think it’s safe to say (at the very least) the time is rapidly approaching.

Good Luck.

 

[rayne89]

I am neither a parent nor a woman but I would like to offer my two cents. While at first I was surprised by the priest, on careful reflection I decided his question was not out of line. Your daughter is at the age or just approaching it where that kind of stuff starts to happen. So while your daughter was blessed enough to be innocent she certainly is not representative of all children her age. Perhaps now is the time to get the revised story of the birds and bees- an explanation that expresses the joys of Catholic sexuality while unabashedly confronts issues that your daughter will face (and soon). She is going to be hearing all of this in sex-ed anyway (if she attends public school, she could end up with a really skewed vision). Take the initiative and tell her first. Better she hear a well reasoned, thoughtful, and faithful explanation (re-explanation) of sexuality from her parents then little not-so-innocent Janey during recess who might lead your daughter to unknowingly commit a sinful act. Give her the tools to make informed decisions so that she can be true to her faith. The exact timing is the difficult part. Regardless, at 11 I think it’s safe to say (at the very least) the time is rapidly approaching.

Good Luck.

Thankyou. My daughter is homeschooled so we don’t have to worry about recess. I worry with my daughter’s tendency toward scrupulousity that she’ll be fretting over accidently touching that area. She has difficult gasping degrees of sin or intent. She already struggles with unintentional “bad thougts”, she worries if she didn’t push them out of her mind soon enough and she constantly worries if this or that is a lie. I just don’t want to add more to list of worries if I don’t have too.

 

[newf]

I don’t think the priest should be asking this question to anyone. I don’t think he should be asking any other questions, either, unless he is trying to clarify something.

I’ve always understood the priest’s job is to ‘hear’ confession, not try to drag it out of you.

I would be very bothered if this happened to my daughter. I think you should talk to the priest about this.

 

[FrankLawrence]

I don’t mean to worry you, but it is possible that there may be more than meets the eye to the priest’s question. First off, the priest may not have known he was talking to an 11 year old, and may have thought she was older, but that is beside the point. What I am thinking,(which the priest will NOT be able to clarify to you in a conversation) is that perhaps your daughter confessed something that would make him follow up with that question. Meaning, perhaps she saw a movie or television program that she shouldn’t have seen. Perhaps she was thinking thoughts that she shouldn’t have been thinking. Perhaps, she had some type of (relatively minor) physical interaction with some boy at school. I am by no means insinuating that this is the only possibility, and it may be just as you and the other posters assume, but I know that once I was asked that question at confession, and it may have been a natural follow-up question to something else I confessed, but I honestly don’t specifically recall. I don’t want to scare you, and by no means am I suggesting that you are to blame(as I realize it is impossible to monitor everything your children see on television, especially when they are over a friend’s house, and I also realize it is impossible to monitor everything that goes on at school.) Nevertheless, I would advise that you have this conversation with your daughter sooner than later. The question is already on her mind, and if you won’t answer it…well who knows what type of information she may receive from who knows what type of person?

 

[Cristiano]

I understand that you did not like what you heard because you look at your daughter one specific way because of what you know of her.

The priest is there to help people with confession, and he is supposed to ask questions if he thinks that it is necessary for the penitent good. However, even when he tries to be polite and formal he can say something upsetting. He does not know everybody.

At 11 years of age a few kids enter puberty and confusion follows, so the question makes sense to me. I have an 11 year old and he tells me of what he hears from boys and girls (classmates) at his Catholic school. Things are scary, even if he knows about sex, reproduction, and basic theology of the body.

Talk to the priest and express your concerns and comfort levels. Probably next time he will be able to be more attentive to your daughter situation. However, remember that you are not to tell a priest what are your expectations during your daughter confession, he is “in Persona Christi”.

 

[lisarae]

I think you should talk to your priest about this. I had a similiar situation happen to me when I was in 9th grade and I quit going to confession for many years after that because it made me feel awful. I was very naive and not sure where he was going with it. Thankfully, your daughter had the courage to tell you about it. I did not tell my mom because I was too embarrasseed. I wish I had. I felt so much shame from it and that is not what confession is supposed to be. It took a long time…almost 25 years before I returned to confession again. We have a wonderful priest who I spoke with about this and helped me realize that confession is about forgiveness…not shame. I’m not sure about the exact dialogue, but it seems inappropriate. I have never posted before, but after reading that, I felt compelled.

 

[TexRose]

I’m a new Catholic so … look over me if you feel I’m in error.

I would be upset about this too! I think that was not a proper thing to ask a child. The children are taught what kinds of things they need to confess… why does he need to ask questions about things that were not brought up?

I would not let this drop… Please say something to him right away.

I agree! At eleven a child most likely does NOT even know what this is about. Oh my! I would definitely say something to the priest. If your child was uncomfortable enough to tell you then definitely talk to the priest. I don’t think the priest should have even asked that.
I’m sorry if I step on anyone’s toes but we (parents) need to be vigilant about our children. Heaven Help Us.

 

[anamchara]

I’m sorry but I have three daughters, I would have been mortified if a priest asked my daughter this question!! The priest would have heard from me the moment my daughter told me this. Sheesh! This sort of thing is way off base and can cause some sexual hang ups later in life when a young women is married. A young child will associate her body parts with being bad. How is that going to play out later? We do have take development into account here! This is really disturbing.

 

[anamchara]

I agree! At eleven a child most likely does NOT even know what this is about. Oh my! I would definitely say something to the priest. If your child was uncomfortable enough to tell you then definitely talk to the priest. I don’t think the priest should have even asked that.
I’m sorry if I step on anyone’s toes but we (parents) need to be vigilant about our children. Heaven Help Us.

Agreed! The more I think about this the more I realize how incredible wrong it is!

 

[rayne89]

I don’t mean to worry you, but it is possible that there may be more than meets the eye to the priest’s question. First off, the priest may not have known he was talking to an 11 year old, and may have thought she was older, but that is beside the point. What I am thinking,(which the priest will NOT be able to clarify to you in a conversation) is that perhaps your daughter confessed something that would make him follow up with that question. Meaning, perhaps she saw a movie or television program that she shouldn’t have seen. Perhaps she was thinking thoughts that she shouldn’t have been thinking. Perhaps, she had some type of (relatively minor) physical interaction with some boy at school. I am by no means insinuating that this is the only possibility, and it may be just as you and the other posters assume, but I know that once I was asked that question at confession, and it may have been a natural follow-up question to something else I confessed, but I honestly don’t specifically recall. I don’t want to scare you, and by no means am I suggesting that you are to blame(as I realize it is impossible to monitor everything your children see on television, especially when they are over a friend’s house, and I also realize it is impossible to monitor everything that goes on at school.) Nevertheless, I would advise that you have this conversation with your daughter sooner than later. The question is already on her mind, and if you won’t answer it…well who knows what type of information she may receive from who knows what type of person?

I do think the priest knew exactly who he was talking to. He has an uncanny ability to know who he’s talking to. Once I had emailed him to see if would be hearing confessions because I was bringing a friend who had been away from the church for many years and he is an excellant confessor. The first thing he says after I said “Bless me father etc.” is “Did you bring your friend with you?” So much annonymity.
I really really don’t think she had a clue as to what he was talking about. She is home schooled and we don’t even have TV at our house -just videos. If she sees something that she feels is inappropriate on someone elses TV she speaks up right away for the channel to be changed and has told me “she averts her eyes”.

I suppose it possible she was thinking thoughts she shouldn’t have but my daughter is very open with me and has told me things I would have been way too embarressed to share with my parents. Nor can I think of a time when she was ever exposed to something sexual that would put such ideas in her head.

I actually did try to discuss with her and she said she decided she didn’t want to know because it would be one more thing she’d be worried about. Like I said my daughter tends to be scrupulous. She will come to me in a panic over the most minor infractions. I have never been harsh with her so I don’t why she is so afraid. She sees thing very black and white.

Another priest asked her to promise to come to confession once a month and she will literally be in a tearful panic if we don’t make exactly at one month. She says that means she broke her promise and she lied. I have explained to her this would not be the case but it doesn’t help. My daughter is extremely careful never to lie and she worries about it all the time.

I’m afraid if I explain to her what it really means she be panicked if she thinks she spent to much time washing in the shower or after going to bathroom or if her hand accidently touches a private area. And we’ll open another whole can of worms to deal with.

 

[rayne89]

You all have convinced me I must address this with the priest so I will do that. I also am going to take Kage_ar’s advice and see if I can get to her compose a list so the need for questions will be eliminated. I think Fr. genuinely was trying to help her make a good confession because once she gets in there she says she can’t think of what to say. If this was a strange priest that I didn’t know I would have been greatly alarmed. I am going to talk to him though, at least I know I’m not over reacting.