Confession concern with my 11 year old daughter

[goodcatholicman]

Don’t make it so complicated. The priest was doing his job and trying to make it easier for your daughter. If the sin doesn’t apply, which it obviously doesn’t in your daughter’s case, just tell her to ignore it. If she has further questions, speak directly to your daughter and answer those questions in the most appopriate way you know how with your own daughter. Don’t speak to the priest! He was doing his job! Sin is not, nor should it be, a topic of pleasant conversation. Next year, or two years from now (hopefully never), this sin may actually apply to your daughter. She is embarassed, doesn’t want to speak up in confession and guess what, the priest doesn’t ask based on his conversation with mom. Now she has an unconfessed mortal sin. Not good. Your objective is to make your daughter comfortable in confession not make the priest less so.

“It is not charity to confirm someone in their sin.” -Fr.John Corapi

 

[scylla]

The last poster did make a good point…
What is more important? comfort or salvation?

Though we might be uncomfortable there are some things that need to be talked about sometimes now sometimes later.

Sin must be addressed and the problem seems to be the scrupulosity of your daughter, embarrassment, etc, not the priest.
He is doing his job and did nothing inappropriate.

I would be uncomfortable as a parent of a little girl, but I would rather be uncomfortable with doing the right thing no matter how difficult that is than possibly allowing sin to go unconfessed.

Scrupulosity seems to be the issue here and that is what needs to be addressed.

God Bless
Scylla

 

[kell0618]

I will tell you the way I would handle it with my 9 year old son if this had happend to him. He knows nothing of the marital act or self stimulation yet.

First, it is just a suspicion that the priest may have mentioned it because your daughter was struggling to tell him something. This is the most difficult sin for children to confess to, and to be fair to the priest, I suggest that he was trying to be helpful as he saw your daughter was having difficulty. However, if you are really bothered by this, I would suggest that you calmly talk to your priest about the situation.

Second, I would say to my son: “Fr. xxxx thought that maybe you didn’t take care of your body as it is a gift from God and should be treated like it. I think he was just trying to be helpful because he knew you had trouble confessing your sins.” It shouldn’t need anymore discussion than that.

God bless you!

Kelly

The other day my daughter says to me "Mom, while I was in confession last time Fr. xxxx asked me if I have improperly touched myself. My daughter tends to freeze up in confession so I know Fr. helps her by going through a series of questions. My daughter didn’t understand the question so she told me she “Uhh” and he thought she said no so he moved on. This priest is a wonderful priest whom we know quite well and on an intellectual level I understand that he was going through the list of common sins but on an emotional level I have to admit it disturbed me-I mean she is only 11.

My daughter tends toward scrupulousity and I have no idea how to explain what he meant. I truly don’t think doing such a thing has ever entered her mind and I certainly don’t want to put there or freak her out.

I thought about talking about with the priest but I realize he can’t discuss anything said in confession so I wouldn’t know how to do that either.

First am I over reacting? And second how do I address this?

 

[Pious_Mat]

I understand why many of you parents are upset–the priest was a little blunt about the matter, but if one knows anything about pyschology, one can see where he’s coming from–it is not uncommon for children to start masturbating almost before they begin walking, and it is entirely possible for a person to masturbate habitually by the age of 11. Although this is not a mortal sin, since one does not know it is wrong, it may become a difficult thing to stop when they do discover it to be sinful. In his zeal, the priest tried to prevent this from happening.

Given that it is not actually a sin as yet, the issue, if it even exists, is the department of the parents. Let me also say that children have a natural propensity to explore their bodies and try to see if certain parts can be stimulated.

Also, as to your daughter’s scrupulosity: I am a Sunday School teacher of children about her age, and I find scrupulosity, especially among girls, is quite common in good homes. Children want to please God is their simple and child-like (a good thing, remember) way, and their lack of understanding often leads to scrupulosity. Many children grow out of it.

All told, it sounds to me like you’re on the right track. Parents like you help make the Church Holier.

Mat.

 

[Verbum_Caro]

You all have convinced me I must address this with the priest. . . I am going to talk to him though, at least I know I’m not over reacting.

Hi Rayne,

Sorry for the disconcerting situation you are in. I know someone brought this up already, but I’m not sure it has been fully hashed out: do you have concerns about the seal of confession? Strictly speaking its not your concern, its the priest’s, but you may want to avoid anything that opens him up to violating the seal.

As far as I understand it (and I have NOT studied it extensively), the good Fr. is not at liberty to discuss your daughter’s confession with you, unless your daughter herself gives him permission. (This actually goes for discussing it with the penitent himself too, who must give permission to a priest to discuss confessed matter outside of the confessional.) I don’t think that your role as guardian and teacher of your daughter, although of the most serious and sacred nature, would allow the preist to violate the seal.

If this is indeed the case, perhaps you could consider the option of writing him a letter? That way you can relate your concerns, but make it clear to him that you don’t expect a response to the letter (in writing or in any other way) out of respect for the seal. Again, as I understand it, the preist cannot do anything to indicate to you that he knows what was said in your daughter’s confession. If you were to engage him in conversation, it would be tough for him to avoid doing so. Even with a letter, he would have to be careful not to give you any confirmation that he knows anything about anything.

The other option is get you daughter to directly give him permission to discuss her last confession. That seems like a bit of dicey issue itself, but I could conceive of ways to pull it off with the minimum of discomfort or “big dealishness” for your daughter.

What do you think Rayne? I’m not trying to open up another can of worms or make anything more complicated, but from your other posts on the forum I find you to be someone who carefully tries to think with the mind of the Church on all matters, and I just wanted to bring this up for consideration.

VC

For reference:

Fr. Saunders: Can a priest ever tell someone another person’s confession?

Jimmy Akin: Parental Advice & The Seal Of Confession

 

[anamchara]

Don’t make it so complicated. The priest was doing his job and trying to make it easier for your daughter. If the sin doesn’t apply, which it obviously doesn’t in your daughter’s case, just tell her to ignore it. If she has further questions, speak directly to your daughter and answer those questions in the most appopriate way you know how with your own daughter. Don’t speak to the priest! He was doing his job! Sin is not, nor should it be, a topic of pleasant conversation. Next year, or two years from now (hopefully never), this sin may actually apply to your daughter. She is embarassed, doesn’t want to speak up in confession and guess what, the priest doesn’t ask based on his conversation with mom. Now she has an unconfessed mortal sin. Not good. Your objective is to make your daughter comfortable in confession not make the priest less so.

“It is not charity to confirm someone in their sin.” -Fr.John Corapi

I respectfully disagree. It is the job of a parent to ensure our child is receiving proper spiritual guidance. This is not proper. The OP needs to talk to the priest. Whenever you have the slightest doubt about your child and another adult regardless if the person is a priest or not, you speak up. He was doing his job, your right but not very well. He was wrong. You do not bring this sort of thing up with an 11yr old little girl. :nope:

 

[mercygate]

Thank you all. We do have sheets to read before confession -one for adults and one for children but it’s my daughter that finds herself speechless once she gets into the confessional even after reviewing the list. (The children’s one says something about commiting an act of impurity.)

Any suggestions on explaining to my daughter what Fr. meant by the question?

Good answers here. And looking at the big picture, I would say that it would be a good thing if more preists brought this up in confession. Since you say your daughter is speechless in confession, perhaps he resorted to his helpful list: Have you taken anything that didn’t belong to you? Have you laughed at other children unkindly? Have you refused to do your household chores? Have you touched yourself impurely? . . .

If your daughter is “silent” and priest is a “list guy” this could have been just one of his items. So maybe talk to him and ask him if this is a technique he uses

It may shock or disgust you, but ‘sins of impurity’ are already in blossom, even among girls, of this age.

 

[mercygate]

You all have convinced me I must address this with the priest so I will do that. I also am going to take Kage_ar’s advice and see if I can get to her compose a list so the need for questions will be eliminated. I think Fr. genuinely was trying to help her make a good confession because once she gets in there she says she can’t think of what to say. If this was a strange priest that I didn’t know I would have been greatly alarmed. I am going to talk to him though, at least I know I’m not over reacting.

Um. I think trying to tell him how to do his job is a ghastly idea. Express your concerns; they are legitimate. If the answer is acceptable, then drop it.

 

[goodcatholicman]

I respectfully disagree. It is the job of a parent to ensure our child is receiving proper spiritual guidance. This is not proper. The OP needs to talk to the priest. Whenever you have the slightest doubt about your child and another adult regardless if the person is a priest or not, you speak up. He was doing his job, your right but not very well. He was wrong. You do not bring this sort of thing up with an 11yr old little girl.

He was doing his job and doing it well. The OP did not have a problem with the question or the priest merely that the question did not seem appropriate for HER daughter. Through my professional experience (I am not a priest) I have known many 10-14 year old boys and girls that have knowledge of things most parents would cringe at the thought of their child knowing. That said, how is the priest to know who he is dealing with except that it is a minor child? He wants the child to be comfortable confessing sin. He asked about one that is very very common. The OP has a sincere belief that the priest is upstanding and not in any way trying to do something out of line. It looks like, with all due respect, a situation of “not my child”. Discussing sin ain’t comfortable but it is necessary. The OP needs to have the discussion with the daughter about what is appropriate and stay out of the confessional with her daughter. It is called the sacrament of reconcilliation not the “confessional with your mother’s approval”. Cool the engines! Save the “he’s out of line!” mantra until it is appropriate.


Mother Mary Pray For Us

 

[mercygate]

I agree! At eleven a child most likely does NOT even know what this is about. . . . Heaven Help Us.

Sorry, the statistics are against you. Truly, Rayne’s little girl sounds like a kid who is NOT on track for this stuff. But these days one in five 9th graders have had oral sex. And being religious is no protection.

High schoolers call it “Christian sex.” The average age that an adolescent begins to masturbate is 11 years 8 months. 45% of males and 15% of females masturbate before age 13.

 

[anamchara]

He was doing his job and doing it well. The OP did not have a problem with the question or the priest merely that the question did not seem appropriate for HER daughter. Through my professional experience (I am not a priest) I have known many 10-14 year old boys and girls that have knowledge of things most parents would cringe at the thought of their child knowing. That said, how is the priest to know who he is dealing with except that it is a minor child? He wants the child to be comfortable confessing sin. He asked about one that is very very common. The OP has a sincere belief that the priest is upstanding and not in any way trying to do something out of line. It looks like, with all due respect, a situation of “not my child”. Discussing sin ain’t comfortable but it is necessary. The OP needs to have the discussion with the daughter about what is appropriate and stay out of the confessional with her daughter. It is called the sacrament of reconcilliation not the “confessional with your mother’s approval”. Cool the engines! Save the “he’s out of line!” mantra until it is appropriate.


Mother Mary Pray For Us

Discussing sin should be age appropriate not to the point of confusing the child. She talked to her mother about this, praise God she did. She sounds like a wonderful little girl. Thank you, I don’t need your lecture of what that sacrament is. Nor do I need a lecture on what children are doing these days I have three daughters.

We will have to agree to disagree on this one.

 

[Pug]

As an 11 year old, I would have known that the M-word meant something sexual if someone used it, but I would not have known at all what someone meant by “impurity” or by “touching”. I didn’t know that “impurity” was some kind of code word until my twenties.

I was a very sensitive child, though, and if my mother had made a big deal about whatever the priest said, I would have become shy or nervous about the topic. My most likely response would be to not bring up the topic with anyone again. So whatever you do end up doing, I’d not make any kind of a big deal to your daughter about it, not unless you deliberately decide that is the course you wish to take.

You parents have such tough choices to make! God be with you!

 

[goodcatholicman]

Thank you, I don’t need your lecture of what that sacrament is. Nor do I need a lecture on what children are doing these days I have three daughters.

Apparently you do need someone to discuss with you about sacraments if you think it is appropriate to talk to the priest about something discussed within the sacrament.

 

[anamchara]

Apparently you do need someone to discuss with you about sacraments if you think it is appropriate to talk to the priest about something discussed within the sacrament.

The child told her mother what was said, if what was said was not right then the parent can say something to the priest. The priest doesn’t need break any seal and he wouldn’t anyway. Are you suggesting that a priest can say anything he wants to little girls and because he can’t break his seal we can never question? The OP can approach the priest in Christian charity and out of concern and obviously this would be handled with care to the seal.

To make a point here, we had a priest in our diocese that lost his job over asking young girls questions that were gravely wrong. Luckily, one girl told her parents and that was the end of that. I’m not in anyway suggesting that this is the case with this priest but we need to take care and not be too blindly faithful to the point of damage to children.

 

[Julianna]

The child told her mother what was said, if what was said was not right then the parent can say something to the priest. The priest doesn’t need break any seal and he wouldn’t anyway. Are you suggesting that a priest can say anything he wants to little girls and because he can’t break his seal we can never question? The OP can approach the priest in Christian charity and out of concern and obviously this would be handled with care to the seal.

To make a point here, we had a priest in our diocese that lost his job over asking young girls questions that were gravely wrong. Luckily, one girl told her parents and that was the end of that. I’m not in anyway suggesting that this is the case with this priest but we need to take care and not be too blindly faithful to the point of damage to children.

Totally agree. I would be livid if a priest asked my daughter (or my son) that question. It sad to think that some people still think priests walk on water…they forget they put their pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else. The priest “listens” to the confession. If a young person has a “question” the priest “answers” the question. That’s it.

 

[Sabda]

The other day my daughter says to me "Mom, while I was in confession last time Fr. xxxx asked me if I have improperly touched myself. My daughter tends to freeze up in confession so I know Fr. helps her by going through a series of questions. My daughter didn’t understand the question so she told me she “Uhh” and he thought she said no so he moved on. This priest is a wonderful priest whom we know quite well and on an intellectual level I understand that he was going through the list of common sins but on an emotional level I have to admit it disturbed me-I mean she is only 11.

My daughter tends toward scrupulosity and I have no idea how to explain what he meant. I truly don’t think doing such a thing has ever entered her mind and I certainly don’t want to put there or freak her out.

I thought about talking about with the priest but I realize he can’t discuss anything said in confession so I wouldn’t know how to do that either.

First am I over reacting? And second how do I address this?

I have to respectfully disagree with some of the people on this thread. I do not think you should bring this up with the priest. As much as it will shock some people, he did ask an age appropriate question. Not all kids are home schooled and not all kids go to a Catholic school or receive a good education in the Catholic faith. Some 11 yr olds are doing this. If a person is having difficulty getting the sin out he has to help them. Your dd was having difficulty getting her sin out so he tried to help her. He did not know what her sin was so he asked if it was touching as it is a sin that a lot of kids, and people in general, have difficulty confessing.

As far as what I would say to her. I second what kell0618 said above:

Second, I would say to my son: “Fr. xxxx thought that maybe you didn’t take care of your body as it is a gift from God and should be treated like it. I think he was just trying to be helpful because he knew you had trouble confessing your sins.” It shouldn’t need anymore discussion than that.

If your dd is having issues with scrupulosity the last thing you want to do is make a big deal out of this. As I’m sure you know very well.

 

[goodcatholicman]

Are you suggesting that a priest can say anything he wants to little girls and because he can’t break his seal we can never question?

Of course not! What I am suggesting is that the “blame the priest” mantra that is so popular should be used appropriately and in this case I don’t think he went over any line. To be clear, I am a father of a little girl and would take seriously any claim she made where I thought the priest was over the line. But these are the facts as they have been discussed:

1. Mom knows priest and believes he is upstanding and wouldn’t hurt her daughter.
2. Mom doesn’t see issue with the question per se only in the sense that she knows her child and believes her to be more sensitive than other children her age regarding this particular issue.
3. The daughter is home schooled and appears at least based on limmited knowledge to be deeply sheltered by mom.

From the facts as they have been discussed thus far on this board I see no reason to “discuss” anything with the priest. I believe a more valuable approach would be a discussion with the daughter about sex, her body, what is/is not appropriate, etc. The daughter may well have confessed other things that brought the question about and it would be unfair to call out the priest as doing something untoward to the young girl not knowing the full scope of what was confessed. To know the full scope…well you need to somehow break the seal of confession which would require the girl’s permission - BAD IDEA or directly confronting the priest in hopes he breaks the seal unwittingly - BAD IDEA. Strictly based on the limited knowledge we have all been given, I am suggesting the mother to be a responsible parent and don’t blame the priest. Have the difficult discussions with the daughter and guide her the best way she can. On the other hand, if she honestly believes the priest to be a pedophile or have other serious issues…then by all means go talk to the priest. We have to few good priests left, we need to make sure we are all fair to the ones we have. Save the outrage for when it is really necessary.

 

[Goth_Catholic]

Oh for crying out loud. My priest had to say “masterbate” for me because all I could was talk around it and he wanted to make sure he understood what I was saying. There is nothing inapporiate here. The priest simply asked and then moved on. If he had made a big deal over it, then I might understand what all the fuss is about, but especially since he was only trying move the confession along by addressing common sins, THERE IS NO ISSUE. Since he, as all priests, answer only to God, it’s best to leave it alone.

Just because she is only 11 doesn’t mean a thing. You’ve been blessed with a wonderfully devout daughter, however many other parents are not so wonderfully blessed. And masterbation can begin or occur at any time. Most of us don’t know anything about what we’re doing, just that it feels “good”. It’s an addiction. I understand your daughter is a bit obessive but it would do her good to explain these things to her. At 11, if she hasn’t already she’ll start her period soon, and it’s very likey that she is already experiencing “changes”.

 

[dixieagle]

The child told her mother what was said, if what was said was not right then the parent can say something to the priest. The priest doesn’t need break any seal and he wouldn’t anyway. Are you suggesting that a priest can say anything he wants to little girls and because he can’t break his seal we can never question? The OP can approach the priest in Christian charity and out of concern and obviously this would be handled with care to the seal.

To make a point here, we had a priest in our diocese that lost his job over asking young girls questions that were gravely wrong. Luckily, one girl told her parents and that was the end of that. I’m not in anyway suggesting that this is the case with this priest but we need to take care and not be too blindly faithful to the point of damage to children.

I’m on the same page as you with this. I’ve got to admit that, when I first read the OP’s original question, red flags went up with me (mother of two daughters.) I think that, these days, it is incumbent upon priests to be very careful in their actions and words with regard to sexual issues. While one hopes that the priest’s question was innocent and well-meaning - especially in the context of a sacrament - parents must pay attention to anything that strikes them as out of the ordinary, upsetting or possibly inappropriate. It’s a sad commentary, to be sure, but that’s the current state of affairs. I’ve known of too many “good priests” who proved not to be.

 

[anamchara]

I’m on the same page as you with this. I’ve got to admit that, when I first read the OP’s original question, red flags went up with me (mother of two daughters.) I think that, these days, it is incumbent upon priests to be very careful in their actions and words with regard to sexual issues. While one hopes that the priest’s question was innocent and well-meaning - especially in the context of a sacrament - parents must pay attention to anything that strikes them as out of the ordinary, upsetting or possibly inappropriate. It’s a sad commentary, to be sure, but that’s the current state of affairs. I’ve known of too many “good priests” who proved not to be.

Exactly, and this is my point.