Could some women help me with a disappointing hubby?

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sparkle

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Friends:

I am in RCIA becoming a Catholic, and have been married for 15 yrs. My husband is NOT a Christian, swears, drinks, cusses, provides NO spiritual leadership whatsoever for our children–doesn’t treat me very nicely (no affection, no love whatsoever)…we have a family …and I just need some encouragement today. I prayed my FIRST Rosary today after Mass–wow what power in it! I know somewhere on this Forum are numeous threads about this and that–but thought I’d start a new one for any women Friends out there who have similar woes, on this day, week, whatever. Maybe we can encourage each other today. I cried myself to sleep last night—and I just need some encouragement from anyone. Sorry–usually I’m such a strong and vibrant influence and person–but guess here on the anonymous forums–we can let down…and vent–which is such a good thing. I’m really so unhappy with my marriage. What to do?

This Sunday is “Rite of Acceptance” for all us RCIA members=–and I just pray I don’t lose it. Question: “What do we want from God and the Church”? WOW–loaded huh? Anyone going thru the same this Sunday?

I know God our Creator, gave us the Life He did, and we’ve got to make the best of it. We’ve got to be examples for others, but sometimes it’s awfly hard when we feel like we do.

Luv,

Sparkle
 
Hi Sparkle, 15 years is a long time. The truth is we all grow at a different pace. Try to set the best example for your husband you can and God willing he will see the light. I’ll pray for you, we all have peaks and valleys, have faith.
 
Sparkle–I am not in the same situation though certainly I have had disappointments in my marriage and seen friends and family go through the rough spots. Please try hard to remember what you loved about your husband and why you married him. Try to keep in mind his good points, focus on them, and nurture them. As you give positive reinforcement for what pleases you, he will try to please you more.

I have been guilty of being frustrated at my husband and feeling sorry for myself. But I have consciously tried to suppress my negative thoughts (which only serve to make me frustrated and him angry) and focus on his good traits and what works in our marriage. My husband hates to be criticized, even when he knows the criticism is valid. I find that if I lay off the criticism, that when I do ask something gently or point something out gently, that he is more likely to hear me (though he may not acknowledge that he agrees with me or is doing it for me.)

Finally, I read somewhere (in one of those self-help books, many years ago) that we can only change ourselves and as we change ourselves for the better, our positive changes, encourage the other person in the relationship to make changes too. So focus on yourself as your #1 project–becoming the person God calls you to be. Encourage (but don’t nag) your husband to join you in your journey. He may choose to join you. But even if he doesn’t, your joy at becoming the person God wants you to be will be satisfying. God bless you.
 
I use to be just like you husband…hang in there.

My Testamony:
Code: 
I grew up and was very active in the Episcopal church.  At the age of 18, I joined the military, put Jesus and my religion in the bottom of my footlocker and went off to conquer the world.  I lost and got consumed by it.  Every once and a while I would open my footlocker to see if Jesus was still there, and he was, then I would close the locker again.

I met a wonderful young Catholic lady who I eventually married.  We did not drift away from the Church, I pulled her away from the Church.  I was of the world and had no need for a suppressive God.  My wife would sneak back to the Church when I was out of the country or too hung over on Sunday morning to care.  

I went on a year tour to Egypt at which time my wife felt the need to join the RCIA program to get re-familiar with the Church.  This was great for her.  While in Egypt, I had the opportunity to go to Bethlehem on Christmas Eve.  It was a wonderful site, but I felt nothing and I knew that was wrong.

After my return to the US, the pain of my marital relationship was getting worst.  
 I remember walking home from work one day.  I was in a good mood until I got home.  I heard the children playing in the apartment but as soon as I opened the door, they sat very still waiting to see what mood daddy was in.  Would they run and hug me or would they run and hide.  My mood changed very quickly.

 My wife had a good relationship with the kids and I did not have a good relationship with any one.  "The reason," I thought. "Is because they are all Catholic and I am not."
I went to RCIA and became Catholic.  This only made matters worst.  Now I knew the Church law and used it against my wife, "AHH, the Pope says this or that."

I was planning to leave for a 6 months military school.  My wife told me she was going to board up the apartment and visit her parents while I was gone.  She had not planned on returning.

I got injured and could not go the school.  While I was recovering, my wife met the Couples for Christ and fell in love with them.  I did not like these people, but if it would help the marriage, I'll give them a chance.

I braced myself because God only knows what she told them.  I entered the seminar to find Spiritually Strong Catholic men and women of God who accepted me as I was.  Over the course of the seminar, the Lord worked on my heart and marriage and relationships.  HE also taught me how to love the Church and my wife.
 
DHGRAY:

I think it’s so neat and wonderful you finally came to the conclusion to really love your wife. I really fear this will ever happen for my hubby. He doesn’t know how to love anyone–not even himself. He is a cold, distant and un-emotional man. Of course I did not know this about him at all when I married him, as most of us do not fully know the depth of another.

Even “Christian Psycologists” i.e., on 1-800-NewHope would say a person “deserves more” in this life–but I say, as a Catholic, we must suffer for the sake of what’s right. We all must strive to BE the Christian God calls us to be–whether wife or husband–and this friends I sooo want to do. But it sooo hard, when you literally get NOTHING from your spouse, and the negative feelings are so evident. I feel like I so dislike my husband these days. He has hurt me so much, that I will never love him like I once used to so fully and totally. Maybe this says something about how we should only put our trust in God and no human. I was so completely IN_LOVE and CRAZY about my hubby. NOW, I have literally NO love and trust left at all. He has chosen porn and the ways of this World and all its sin over me and a Christian Family. This sickens me to no end. This Saturday will be our 1st marriage counseling. But I don’t think I can EVER get back what I used to feel. A real shame. He’s such a disappointment to me. I’ve lost all love and respect for him. Zero. Nada. I wonder should I endure this for the next 35 years? For the sake of the kids and my beliefs? Sometimes I really do wonder this.

Please pray for me–that as I strive to live the Catholic life as God has called me–that something might change. At least in me. I KNOW only God and the Holy Spirit can move to save, and I know even I really do feel I made a big mistake in my choice of a husband, but that I MUST stick with it. Unlike the World’s advice here. Any thoughts? I know so many are unhappily married, I never thought I would be…but my husband is such a jerk.
 
Sparkle, my friend. You have been there to give me encouragement when I needed. And I thank you for being a light for me.

First - I am so proud of you that you said the rosary. This is super HUGE! I know you have been thinking about this for a while. Keep with it and draw your strength from prayer.

As I have found in my past year’s struggle with trials, I realized I placed too much emphasis on having someone else make me happy( my husband before I got divorced, or my boyfriend whom I love so dearly). If they fell short of my expectations, then I was adversely affected by them. I prayed that they would change - not really thinking that I needed to be changed for the most part.

I have done much praying that Jesus change me - AND HE HAS!

Then Jesus showed me that only He could bring happiness in my heart and life. The I was to rely soley upon Him for my joy and peace. I needed to be changed and Jesus was the only one who could help me with these changes of heart.

This whole revelation was very freeing.
Look to Jesus for your happiness. Look at your husband in a positive light, for you have said you love him dearly. God is seeking you to a deeper relationship with Him. Stay close to Him and He will give you what you need. Pray that God show you ways that maybe you need to change.

I will pray for you, Sparkle, because you are a blessing here to so many people.
 
Sparkle,

What initially attracted you to your husband?

What are some of his good qualities?

Also, is there any area in which HE feels unloved by you? It is my experience that we love each other in the way that we want to be loved, all the while ignoring the way that our spouses prefer that it be shown.
And sometimes the resentment and anger that this causes can so erode things that people become angry and bitter all the time.

I will pray for you and hope that God softens your husband’s heart towards you and your kids.
 
Davis - wow!

Sparkle,

There’s hope!

Since last lent, I’ve been ramping up my prayer and fasting, along with spiritual advice. Yesterday I was reflecting on some changes, major changes, that are happening in people around me. And these are all people I prayed/fasted for. Normally I’m kind of a science-guy so I’m skeptical about my influence - but I can’t deny what I’m seeing either. And it fills me with hope.

I was told by my spiritual advisor that fasting is a powerful prayer. I have a sister who is expecting her first child. She is pretty well steeped in “you go girl” feminism and was very gung-ho on her professional career. Early in her pregnancy she was very blue, feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders, trying to juggle her all-important career with her new commitment to motherhood. Several months ago I fasted and prayed for my sister. The other day my wife spoke with her on the phone. My sister’s attitude has change 180 degrees. She’s saying stuff like she doesn’t care if her and her husband have to live in a VW van and wait tables - she’s got more important work to do - raise a child!

Why the change???
 
Hi JRABS:

Thank you friend for your nice words, as I sit here tears streaming down my face-----did I say today I said my first Rosary after Mass? It was WONDERFUL!!! These adorable little old ladies leading it–how I was so blessed by them. I want to go every day!!!if possible! How I wish I had even one Catholic relative!!! Well–maybe it’s time for me to pass it on—what do you think?

Thank you again for your words of encouragement. I so need it right now. I feel so alone and discouraged. And it’s really not my nature to be this way…Menopause approaching???

I’m just so disappointed in my marriage. What a shock.

Anyway–such is life–no wonder women get so wrapped up in these romance novels now-adays-----huh?

JRABS–I hope things are going well for you in your part of the world–God Bless You Always.

I’m looking forward to being a Catholic and meeting some Catholic friends somewhere–somehow. I’m hoping and praying God provides this for me. I trust he will!!!

Have a beautiful Day~~

YEP–still praying the Green Scapular for Hubby --under his mattress~~
 
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sparkle:
did I say today I said my first Rosary after Mass? It was WONDERFUL!!! These adorable little old ladies leading it–how I was so blessed by them. I want to go every day!!!if possible! How I wish I had even one Catholic relative!!! Well–maybe it’s time for me to pass it on—what do you think?

YEP–still praying the Green Scapular for Hubby --under his mattress~~
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Sparkle,
You may not be able to feel it but Our Lady and Jesus have you in a super duper bear hug right now. You have taken a big step toward bringing your relationship closer to them. The rosary is awesome and I am very proud of you.

Hang in there. Everyday is a new day with God and He wants you to put all your trust in Him. Fear is useless, what is needed is trust.

You may want to also use the rosary beads to say, “Sacred heart of Jesus, I put my trust in you”. I love doing that and get sooo much peace from that since my life is in His hands.

Hang tight dear friend. You have many Catholic friends here. Thank God for this forum where we can draw strength from each other through our faith.

I will offer your intentions up in my Adoration tonight.
 
Black Jaque:
Since last lent, I’ve been ramping up my prayer and fasting, along with spiritual advice. Yesterday I was reflecting on some changes, major changes, that are happening in people around me. And these are all people I prayed/fasted for. Normally I’m kind of a science-guy so I’m skeptical about my influence - but I can’t deny what I’m seeing either. And it fills me with hope.
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Black Jaque - you are sooo right about the power of prayer and fasting. I too, have been witnessing goodness and blessings around me for the people I have been praying for.

I got suckered into the devil’s trap one day, however, of self-pity. For that very reason the people around me were being blessed and prayers being answered for them while nothing in my life seems to change. Sparkle was there for me offering her encouragement.

What a trap!

Fasting is a super idea to kick start some blessings.
 
Sparkle, we will pray for you.

Prayer for Those Who Suffer

For those who suffer,
and those who cry this night,
give them repose, Lord;
a pause in their burdens.
Let there be minutes
where they experience peace,
not of man
but of angels.
Love them, Lord,
when others cannot.
Hold them, Lord,
when we fail with human arms.
Hear their prayers
and give them the ability to hear You back
in whatever language they best understand.
  • Amen
 
Sparkle, I do have some idea of what you are going through. I have been married for 27 years to a man who can be sweet at times, but has a problem with alcahol and drugs and is not Catholic, I am a “cradle” Catholic. Although he does some sweet things for me, and I know that deep inside he loves me the best way he knows how, there are times that I wonder if he loves me at all. He has never laid a hand on me, but I think his tongue lashings could be classified as verble abuse. He is very hateful as well towards Jews and Blacks and has recently gone so far as to say that Hitler was a great man for trying to exterminate the Jews. He was brought up in a rather unloving environment, and I think that effects his ability to show love.

I was luke warm in my faith for a long time, but in the last few years have begun to find my way back. Studying the catachism and the bible, praying the rosary and other prayers every day, trying to discern what God wants me to do with the rest of my life. One of the jobs I think God has for me is to just demonstrate for my Husband the peace that comes from faith. Only God will be able to help my husband change, but I believe I was put with him by God to play some part in bringing him to salvation by living my faith and praying for him. Not all of us are called to start a new religious order or to change the world. For most of us the job God has in mind for us is much less visible, but it is equally important in his eternal plan.
As you pray, ask God to open your heart to his will for you and to show you the way. Through much prayer, I have come to know that this is where God wants me to be, and this is the cross he has given me to bear, and I bear it gladly.
 
retrouvaille.org/
The above is a link is Retrouvaille for seriously troubled marriage, below are links to Marriage Encounter for fairly good marriages that just would like improvement. I’ve been to both and can’t recommend them enough. Please consider it, what do you have to lose?

wwme.org/

marriage-encounter.org/
 
Sparkle, I understand and can empathize. I’ve been married 18 years to a man who goes to Mass twice a week and prays the Rosary weekly with me and our children. He’s on the parish council and is a lector. Everyone thinks he’s so perfect.

What they don’t recognize is that he goes out drinking with his “buddies” from work every weekend, is physically and verbally abusive, smokes and cusses in front of the kids, is controlling, and puts me down in front of our friends, relatives, and even total strangers.

I don’t know what to say that’s encouraging besides I understand. This is the cross God has given me to bear and, even though I don’t know why I have to suffer, I will continue to bear it. My prayers will be with you.
 
Sparkle -

Me again, the one who prayed for years and years for her husband - and that prayer was ANSWERED.

He was one cold guy for years, a for instance - once when I was trying to look very romantic in a very pretty negligee, he walked by and said “aren’t you cold?” and kept going. Never ever held my hand, or really TALKED to me (when we’d been friends for years before we were married).

The Holy Spirit can melt those icy hearts - heck, he even dances with me now!
 
I’ve had wonderful success saying the St. Andrew’s Novena (which starts November 30th) for the conversion of family members. It hasn’t failed yet and there’s been some pretty tough cases. I always say the prayer 15 times for each intention I’m praying for rather than 15 times for all of my intentions.

twoheartsdesign.com/prayers/standrew.html
 
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bear06:
I’ve had wonderful success saying the St. Andrew’s Novena (which starts November 30th) for the conversion of family members. It hasn’t failed yet and there’s been some pretty tough cases. I always say the prayer 15 times for each intention I’m praying for rather than 15 times for all of my intentions.

twoheartsdesign.com/prayers/standrew.html
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Hey Bear,
Thanks for this. I did this prayer a few times in my life and got my prayers answered also. I forgot about it since it has been several years.

I need it again for some real challenges this time in my life.
Thanks a bunch. What a blessing!
 
Hey Y’All

Thanks so much-------!!! I can sympathize with you all too–and admire you all for being so strong and “bearing whatever crosses” Christ gives us to bear. This takes such courage! I want to be like all of you–but sometimes we just lose it and feel sorry for ourselves don’t we?:confused: I hate when I’m like this–usually such a leader-----but today I’m such a pitiful case~~(sorry)~~:(

but I know it helps to have you all praying for me–I do the same for you all.

YES–I know I have many crosses to bear in life–that I NEVER thought would occur. I have such a great strong family of successful men–and here, I’ve gone and married a “Loser” who has put me thru nothing but pain and misery. I feel so guilty even saying it. But today, I feel like it I have to air it. I deserve more. But then don’t we all? YES. We’ve got to LEARN to handle the cards we’re dealt in life I suppose. I want to learn. You all really help by your fine example and encouragement. Really!!!
I’m really thankful I have a husband I guess, cuz there’s so many single women out there really lonely with NO help at all, and no one to warm their bed. Sometimes I wonder what is worse though??? Anyway-----thanks everyone who responded----I will strive to be a better Christian today------

God Bless You All Today~~~~~~
 
I’m really thankful I have a husband I guess, cuz there’s so many single women out there really lonely with NO help at all, and no one to warm their bed.
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At least you recognize the small blessings. You might not like your husband right now, but remember, he did father your children.

I really wish you would stop refering to him as a “LOSER”. I know that you are hurt right now but if you keep puting him down, even amoungst friends, you will never heal, you will never see him as anything but a loser (even when he starts to change for the better) in your mind.
I hate when I’m like this–usually such a leader-----but today I’m such a pitiful case~~(sorry)~~
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The first step in the healing process is admitting that we can not do it alone. We have to humble ourselves and ask for help.

We are glad to be here for you.
 
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