Could some women help me with a disappointing hubby?

[StephanieC]

Sparkle~

For some reason, after reading your original post, my mind immediately went to the saints (maybe 'cause we just celebrated All Saints Day!) Here’s a link re: St. Monica:
americancatholic.org/Features/SaintOfDay/default.asp?id=1120

I just thought you might appreciate a little saintly inspiration.
Hang in there. Persevere in prayer. When you feel like you need to throw yourself a “little bitty pity party” (that’s my term for when I need to let it all out and have a good cry every so often) remember that others have been in your shoes, and are now enjoying the rewards of Heaven!

The Rosary is, indeed, a powerful prayer…I’m so glad Our Lady has led you to it!

Oh, and welcome to the RCIA…just try to imagine the joy, the love, the intense outpouring of grace you will receive next year at Easter!

My prayers are with you.
StephanieC

 

[MamaGeek]

I suggest you read about and pray to St. Monica. She was married to a pagan, and her son was an infamous party-boy. By the time she died, she had converted, through prayer, both her husband, and her son, St. Augustine.

Pray! Pray! Pray!

 

[mommi2four]

About you Hubby, I know how you feel. My hubby was like that. A friend of my suggested I ask St. Monica to help me. This is a link to find out a little about her :
catholic-forum.com/saints/saintm04.htm

She understands, because totally whole heartedly beleive St Monica and The Blessed Virgin help me save my husband. He went through RCIA last year and now teaches RCIA for teens with me. That is the short version

 

[martha_martha]

okay, i may be going out on a limb when i say this, but along with praying for your husband, pray for the Lord to change your heart about him. i know that sounds odd, but let me explain.

i was caught in the throes of a temptation that had me completely blind-sided…or not. i would find myself in interesting conversations with other men, i guess the devil knew what buttons to push and he sent the “right (wrong) guy at the right (wrong) time.” i found myself so drawn to this man and totally caught up in a seduction and temptation that i never, ever thought would befall me - after all, i was the “church lady.”

so in the midst of all of this, and comparing endlessly the two men, my husband just didn’t seem to measure up - he was a big disappointment. it was a lie of the enemy of course, and it grew increasingly more and more terrible.

to make a long, painful story short is i started praying for God to change what was going on in my heart toward my husband. i know you are thinking you were not caught up in a temptation like i was; however, my heart and attitude toward my husband was the way it was “because he wasn’t what i thought he should be.” i started praying for the changes to come about in me and now i see him totally different. he is a godly man (even though you say your husband is not) but please know this: your husband is sanctified by your actions. by your mass attendance, praying the rosary, placing scapulars under the mattress – who is he that he can withstand God? St. Monica stood in the gap for St. Augustine for how long? how many years and years?? she was such a great, holy example.

nobody is lost - God has you married to exactly who you are supposed to be married to, and unless he is abusive and hurtful toward you, it is your duty to pray him right into the pew next to you - who knows how long it could take? just think though - the benefits will be amazing.

(did that make sense?? i sure hope so…)

 

[AlanFromWichita]

sparkle:

I’m really so unhappy with my marriage. What to do?

Dear sparkle,

To the specific question about “what to do,” there is some guidance in the Bible. When I was in Seattle in 1985 I heard a Presbyterian minister preach on this exact topic.

We are called not to be “unequally yoked” but as it happens one spouse can become a believer while the other one doesn’t, at least not at the same time. In these cases, St. Paul says that the believing spouse should allow the non-believing spouse to stay or go, and if he goes the believing spouse is not bound. Paul gives this as his own personal opinion.
1 Cor 7:12-16:

To the rest I say (not the Lord): if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she is willing to go on living with him, he should not divorce her; and if any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he is willing to go on living with her, she should not divorce her husband. For the unbelieving husband is made holy through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy through the brother. Otherwise your children would be unclean, whereas in fact they are holy. If the unbeliever separates,however, let him separate. The brother or sister is not bound in such cases; God has called you to peace. For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband; or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

Alan

 

[Lilyofthevalley]

I am in RCIA becoming a Catholic, and have been married for 15 yrs. My husband is NOT a Christian, swears, drinks, cusses, provides NO spiritual leadership whatsoever for our children–doesn’t treat me very nicely (no affection, no love whatsoever)…we have a family …and I just need some encouragement today​

He sounds sort of like my husband, with the potty mouth. Fortunately, my husband doesn’t drink but he certainly has his jerk of the year moments.
I can’t offer you any help other than,take one day at a time.

 

[puzzleannie]

I did not answer before because I was working the wisecracks out of my system, and I needed to pray, like I do when somebody here shoots an arrow that hits its mark.

A lovely nun who is my spiritual director gave me a book for Christmas calls “How to Change Your Husband” and when he saw it he said “What have you been telling her about me?”. I don’t have it now, I lent it to someone, but of course the message, based on various Marian apparitions, is you must change yourself, as others have already said better than I.

There are a lot of great books, but oddly enough I would tell you to pray, not read, because books have a way of taking us away from prayertime. time in front of the Blessed Sacrament is your most valuable. If you do get a book, let it be on healing, especially family healing, and the Eucharist. Bring all of this to our Lord especially during the Eucharistic prayer and consecration, and of course as you receive communion during Mass.

there is never a requirement that we be happy and fulfilled in marriage or vocation, only that we be faithful.

You do have a lot of friends and support, not only on the forums, but from the saints. let your spiritual reading be on married women saints, your best friends.

 

[jrabs]

martha martha:

nobody is lost - God has you married to exactly who you are supposed to be married to, and unless he is abusive and hurtful toward you, it is your duty to pray him right into the pew next to you - who knows how long it could take? just think though - the benefits will be amazing.

WOW - Martha - great post. Welcome to this forum! What a powerful way to introduce yourself.

You are a great addition and I can tell, will have awesome, prayerful, advice for those of us who will need it.

 

[martha_martha]

jrabs:

WOW - Martha - great post. Welcome to this forum! What a powerful way to introduce yourself.

You are a great addition and I can tell, will have awesome, prayerful, advice for those of us who will need it.

oh my!! i am so blown away by this!!

thank you so much, but i will tell you honestly: anything i say can and does come from hours and hours of being on my face before God. i ain’t pretty, i am real, and if i feel prompted to speak out about something, i will do so.

thank you for the warm welcome…sorry to threadjack for a second there sparkle. i prayed for you this morning

 

[Princess_Abby]

jrabs:

WOW - Martha - great post. Welcome to this forum! What a powerful way to introduce yourself.

You are a great addition and I can tell, will have awesome, prayerful, advice for those of us who will need it.

I totally agree–what a beautiful testimony with wonderful words of wisdom.

Abby

 

[j_arden]

This is a very interesting thread. There is so much admirable perseverance and patience in so many of your posts! However, because no one else has mentioned this, we are not obligated to stay with emotionally or physically abusive spouses. The Church condones separation and civil divorce if they are needed to protect one spouse or children. A sacramental marriage is indissoluble but doesn’t require living together. There is a point where protection of yourself and children–not just physical protection–becomes the main concern.

Please understand I’m not telling any posters that they should leave their spouses. I have no way of knowing that. Bearing the cross of a difficult marriage is difficult and hard to figure out but no one is called to put him/herself or children in grave emotional or physical danger without a proportionate reason. Something to consider.

With Prayers,

JP

 

[j_arden]

Abby - That’s a great quote from from our beloved Pope! Do you know where that’s from?

• JP

 

[sparkle]

puzzleannie:

there is never a requirement that we be happy and fulfilled in marriage or vocation, only that we be faithful.

I just LOVE and appreciate the above sooo much! Isn’t it the truth?

YES. I do want to be faithful! But it’s very hard at times isn’t it?

I really need to meditate on being a FAITHFUL CHRISTIAN, and just plug away, as do all of us.

And thanks for all the references to St. Monica. I wear a medal now of St. Helen, the patron saint for “difficult marriages”. I seem to have misplaced it----and now–problems seem so overpowering! BUT I spent alot of time in prayer yesterday and now I think things will look up–thanks to ALL of you friends!!!

God Bless~~

 

[Princess_Abby]

j_arden:

Abby - That’s a great quote from from our beloved Pope! Do you know where that’s from?

• JP

THanks! I love the quote too…here is the context of it:

“It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; he is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; he is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is he who provokes you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is he who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is he who reads in your hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle. It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be grounded down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.”
–Pope John Paul II, World Youth Day 2000

 

[martha_martha]

i have been thinking about this thread all day. and while i know i was both transparent and evasive at the same time, i wanted to further qualify my statements.

so often we become dissatisfied with who we are with for several reasons. i totally agree with j arden’s post about being with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive! i am sure that isn’t what the heart of Jesus’ teachings were.

what i am saying is if we are dissatisfied with our spouses because we are growing in a different direction than they are spiritually (or physically, as the case may be!), we need to adopt a different framework in our prayers about how we should pray for them, for ourselves, and for our families.

now i know i alluded to my temptation; was in the grip of it for several months. however, it wasn’t my husband whose heart needed changing, it was mine! how selfish of me to think otherwise, and believe me, the litmus test was out for everything the poor man did, and he failed miserably. what i thought i wanted in my marriage apparently was not what i needed, or i would have been married to this other person and not my dear husband. what he weathered… good Lord. he is truly a saint.

by praying for my heart to change - well, that took on a whole different meaning to me. why should i change? i was going to church, frequent confessions, trying to get out of this web of sin. it was a long, humble look at myself and what i was doing wrong - it is so easy to point to another and try to fix what “their” problems are. most times, the problems lie firmly in our defect of character.

when i tell you two years after my nightmare began that i love my husband more now than i ever did? i am not lying. and this is the very same man who i felt, a year and a half ago, didn’t measure up to the yardstick i was holding up to him. it was the other man that didn’t measure up (for reasons i won’t go into here) and while i can never regain the time spent away from my husband in my heart, i grew closer to my Lord and He gently led me away from that person i was becoming. He showed me i wasn’t kind, wasn’t noble, wasn’t all those pious things i thought i was becoming, simply because i was praying a certain way, going to mass regularly, confession…it was a long, hard, painful look.

but boy, once those scales fell from my eyes! the only problem is in the backsliding…once the scales fall, don’t try to put them back in as contact lenses

this was my lesson - ask God: what is yours?

 

[IPTgrad]

Dear Sparkle,

This must be so very difficult, especially since in our culture we are led to believe, from our earliest days, that our husbands will be the night-in-shining-armours who will take away all our pains & fulfill our lives. Think of the romance movies we watched growing up & even the fairy tales we heard.

Well, we have been duped & even the most perfect husband cannot fulfill us… that place is for God. God alone fulfills us. In the ideal marriage, both husband and wife are intimately related to God & then to each other through Him. In this way, each is free to love the other as God loves the other, with acceptance of the limitations of the human person, with joy in the marvelous qualities inherent in each person & with patient hope for transformation of the worst qualities of the person. In this way we cooperate with God to transform our spouse, ourself & our marriage. We stop pushing issues & start turning them over to God… & for many, our spouses begin “coming around,” not for our sake, but for God’s. For many of us, we are also transformed & purified through this process.

My suggestion… keep turning your entire self more & more towards God’s fulfillment. Pray, pray, pray for your husband’s conversion. Also beg God to see your husband as He sees him & to help him as an instrument of God, for your husband’s sake.

God bless. My prayers are with you.

 

[Black_Jaque]

, that our husbands will be the night-in-shining-armours who will take away all our pains & fulfill our lives

As it turns out when you take that shiny armor off, they’re stinky, sweaty, hairy, soft, fleshy, ugly, and full of battle scars.

Take off the Walt-Disney goggles!

 

[Binary_Paul]

Sparkle, Some food for thought. God is love, right? All real love comes from God who is its source. 1 Corinthians 13 states “love never fails”. It sounds to me that your husband has not experienced Gods love much. His character traits are probably a defense mechanism built up over time because of the emptiness that results from being separated from God. I know this sounds real basic, but sometimes we need to return to the basics in order to gain a proper perspective. You may be the person God wants to help him get to know his savior. I suffered like you some in regards to my wife. What I had to do is give in to God’s call to me to love her unconditionally. I had to force myself, in obedience to God’s commandment to love her, to forgive her for all her shortcomings. It was because of my own problems that I didn’t love her unconditionally. I justified my actions because I had the stronger faith. What you should do is realize that unconditional love is what bears fruit. Ask God to show you how to build up your husband by thanking him for the little things he does right. God is the source of love, and all true love comes from Him alone. We can choose to be open to God changing our heart to love others no matter how sinful they are. Don’t give in to despair. It is a lie that you will never be able to regain your respect and love for and with your husband. This is because real love comes from God as a gift to us. Ask him to change your heart, and to see your husband as Jesus does. I had an experience in this that changed my whole life and perspective on other people. God allowed me to experience His love for a radical lesbian co-worker who he asked me to pray for. I didn’t like her very much, but was willing to pray for her as directed by the Holy Spirit. He so changed my heart for her that it is painful to love her so much and see her in such bondage. He told me he was allowing me to feel a little of how much He loves her so I would be diligent in prayer for her redemption. I hope to see this sister in heaven someday. It was a gift that happened literally overnight. One day I didn’t like her, and the next I felt a deep compassion for her. Also, flee from unforgivness and bitterness. This blocks God’s grace and muddies our vision.

 

[tjmonica]

Sparkle,

I’m not sure I can be of any help that you are looking for, except to tell you I really feel for you. I am going thru the same tribulations. My husband has even gone so far as to say he hates God. Knowing that as a spouse, it is my job to help him get to heaven makes this all that much harder.

Please know that I will be praying for you.

Monica

 

[sharonvanecek]

Hi, I too have been married to an emotionally absent husband for 15 yrs. The pain was excrutiating until I stopped trying to change him and actually put him in the Lord’s hands - he actually left us when he retired and moved to Europe, he only comes home for 2 mos. My kid miss him terribly. I have lots of problems with my son who has not had a good role model. My husband only criticizes us. He drinks and engages in porn too. He nev er goes to church and is not a christian. He will not go to any church retreats or marriage seminars or counselling. Last time he came home he sat on the computer and would rarely look up except to get a drink, he refused to drive the kids anywhere, he does not contribute financially, I work 2 jobs 7 days per wk. Everyone asks me why I do not divorce him. I pray daily for him and trust and believe he will be converted (by God not me and in God’s perfect time) . I pray to St Rita and ask her to intercede, her husband threw her out on the streets of Italy after beating her - for all to see and he mocked her. He was converted . Now I focus on my own spirituality, but I have never stopped praying for his conversion, not one day has gone by that I do not pray. The real sadness for me is not the cold marriage ( I am available to him sexually and other ways, but he does not initiate anything) but it pains me to see my children - who we have adopted- relate to a father who is so mean. All of them have a mean streak too, whereas my father was warm and loving. We are going to start family counseling, but I cannot find a Catholic counselor. I try to use the 12 step principles, let go and let God, detachment, make your own fun. I do not think divorce is the answer. Sincerely, in love with the Catholic Church